Read Arsenic and Old Puzzles Online
Authors: Parnell Hall
“You’re too pleased, big brother,” Alan said. “Too happy about how perfect it is. I detect a sense of pride. As if you can’t stop congratulating yourself on how clever you are to have pulled it off.”
“You get all that?”
“I certainly do.”
“Well, that’s wonderful. I must applaud your powers of perception. Tell me, little brother, how did I do all this? How did I set it up. How did I carry it out? What was my sense of purpose? What did I hope to obtain? Just as a matter of curiosity, what the hell do you think happened here?” Sebastian grinned. “Stupid question. You know perfectly well. You engineered it all.”
“That’s a good bluff, Sebastian, pretending to think I did it, as if you hadn’t done it yourself.”
“Right back at you, bro. But stop and think for a minute. Does this look like one of my scams? It’s an awful lot of effort for no tangible reward. What do I hope to get out of all this? Aside from seeing you fall on your keister. Which is a wonderful sight, but I wouldn’t kill five people to see it.”
“I don’t know why you did it, I just know you did.”
“See, now there’s where you make your mistake. Your dogged insistence that I’m guilty. Like pretending to believe it’s me will prove it isn’t you. It’s only having the opposite effect.”
“Who’s pretending?”
Sebastian grinned. “Why are we kidding each other? We know who did it. The question is, are we going to help each other, or are we going to bring each other down?”
“What do you have in mind?”
“I want in. On the fortunes of the fair Arlene. Why should you be the only one reaping the benefits?”
“What benefits? We’re engaged, not married.”
“Might be a good time to seal the deal.”
“Sure. Perfect time. My aunt’s dead, wanna get married?”
“I would phrase it differently, but that’s the general idea.”
“So this was your plan all along. Blackmail. You come here, threaten to take me down unless I let you in on the play.”
“Oh, baby brother, I am so
proud
of you. Calling it a play, like the grifter I taught you to be. You have really outdone yourself with this one. How much is she worth, anyway?”
“I have no idea.”
“Well, I do. Seventeen point two million. That is the approximate worth of the estate she came into when Granddaddy died. And with no closer relatives, who should it go to but his favorite grandchild? Who was promoted to that position by the death of her parents in a car accident, and has been living on a fixed income and not much else, until the death of Granddaddy made her the catch she is today.”
“How do you know all this?”
“It’s my business to know. Don’t tell me I know more than you do.”
“You act like I engineered this. The girl happens to live next door.”
“Yes, in that fancy house. I bet you check it out every time misfortune brings you back here. For years it’s no go, and then, jackpot! The lovely Arlene, formerly a cocktail waitress from the Upper West Side, about to lose her apartment because the girl she was living with flunked out of Columbia, is suddenly an heiress, and moves into the country house right next to baby bro. How’m I doing so far?”
“You’re cruising for a fat lip.”
“See, that’s not what I wanted to hear. That’s the type of talk makes me think maybe I should be talking directly to Arlene.”
“Well, you can try. You think I haven’t warned her about my psychotic brother who might drop in?”
“I’m sure you did. But when I start piling on the details she’ll take note. Like the last apartment you paid rent on. Oh, wait, there isn’t one. Your last fixed address was the apartment of an “actress” who moved back to Minnesota when Daddy found out she was using her allowance to keep a man.”
“Is that the best you’ve got? Arlene will laugh in your face.”
“Maybe, maybe not. The way I see it—” Sebastian broke off and his voice became sharp. “What the hell!”
“What?”
“The window’s open!”
Cora held her breath, eased the lid of the window seat down.
She could hear the footsteps of the brothers starting for the window seat. She didn’t wait for them to get there. She flung open the seat, stood up, and leveled her gun.
“What the hell
are you doing?” Alan said. “Put down that gun.”
Cora shook her head. “Two young men against one old lady. This evens the odds.”
“I don’t like having guns pulled on me,” Sebastian said quietly. “I get angry.”
“Well now, if you boys would sit down over there, I could maintain a distance where I wouldn’t have to aim.”
“How long have you been in the window seat?” Alan demanded.
“As long as we’ve been in the room, moron,” Sebastian said.
“Everything he said was a pack of lies,” Alan said. “Is it my fault if some maniac goes around spewing garbage about me?”
Cora motioned with the gun. The brothers sat down by the sideboard.
Sebastian smiled, picked up the decanter. “Might I interest you in a glass of sherry?”
“Sorry, I don’t drink poison.”
“That’s a shame. Little brother, it would appear we have an intruder in our house. Since Aunt Edith is incapacitated, it’s up to us to deal with it. What do you think, should we call the police?”
“Please do,” Cora said. “You’ll save me a trip to the station. While you’re at it, you want to ask your fiancée to come over?”
Alan put up his hand. “Now look, let’s not do anything hasty.”
“Caution is my middle name. I stopped using it when I was married to Melvin, because Cora Caution Crabtree was just too much alliteration.”
Alan looked at her in anger and disgust. “What?”
“Sorry,” Cora said. “I know that was a real stretch. I’m just so happy to have my mojo back.” She sat down, cradled the revolver in her lap. “So, no one’s calling the cops. At least, not yet. No one’s waking your aunt, who’s had three sleeping pills—see, I could hear everything. What I want to know is which one of you would like to help me catch a killer.”
“I would.” They said it in unison and glared at each other.
“That’s what I like to hear. Cooperative murder suspects. Okay, to start off, I have good news. One of you is innocent. That’s not to say one of you is guilty. One of you might be guilty. Then again you might not. But one of you is innocent. Which is so much better than if you were working in collusion. Then you’d be hard to trap.” Cora grinned. “Bet you wish you were, now. Anyway, what we need is a brilliant plan. Since we don’t have one, we have to improvise. Here’s what I propose. The TV cameras are out there, just hoping for a crumb. Let’s give ’em one.”
“What do you mean?” Sebastian said.
“I’d like you guys to go out there and give TV interviews.” Cora looked at her watch. “Perfect time to do it. They’ll be able to get you on the eleven o’clock news.”
“I don’t want to give a TV interview,” Alan said.
“Why not?”
“Arlene wouldn’t like it.”
“Oh, then I guess we’ll have to scrap the whole idea,” Cora said mockingly. “You can tell her you didn’t want to do it, but there was this crazy lady with a gun.”
“What do you want us to say?” Sebastian asked.
“Give them your theories of the case. That’s what they’re going to ask you.”
“I don’t
have
a theory of the case,” Alan said.
“That’s all right, we’ll make ’em up. Let’s see. Your theory of the case is your brother did it to get his hands on your aunts’ money. He’s the older brother, he’s the one who would inherit. So your aunts were the intended victims, everyone else was just collateral damage. You’re outraged, of course. He’s killed one of your aunts, now he’s living with the other. It’s not safe. He’s already admitted to giving her an overdose of sleeping pills. What if he gave her more?”
“Hey, that’s right,” Alan said.
“Oh, sure, baby brother. Pretend like you’re buying it.”
“Don’t worry, I’m not going to do it.”
“What’s my theory of the case?” Sebastian said. “Do I think Alan did it?”
“Of course you do. You’re convinced of it. That’s why you’re here. You’ve been trying to warn people, but they won’t listen. That’s why you moved into the house. It’s the only reason Edith is still alive.”
“Oh, sure,” Alan said. “And why am I trying to kill my aunts if Sebastian’s the one who inherits?”
“You’re not. That’s just a smoke screen. You’re trying to kill Arlene.”
“What!?”
“Of course you are. She’s an heiress. She just came into a small fortune, plus that big house across the way.” Cora explained to Sebastian. “His plan all along was to kill her and get his hands on the money. The other murders were camouflage. So when he kills Arlene no one will think twice.”
“Arlene’s just my girlfriend. If I killed her, I wouldn’t inherit a dime.”
“That’s right,” Sebastian said.
“Yeah, but they’re secretly married. I don’t know what reason he gave Arlene for keeping it secret, but the real one is so he won’t be suspected at the time of the crime. So Arlene’s murder will get put down as just another of the
Arsenic and Old Lace
murders. Once that’s firmly established the relationship will come out.”
“Are you really married?” Sebastian said.
“Hey, this is just her wild theory. Don’t tell me you’re buying into it.”
“Yeah, but I like it. Particularly if you’re spreading that outrageous story about me.”
“Yeah, but I’m not going to do that.”
“Suit yourself,” Cora said. “But then your brother’s theory will be the only one they’ve got.”
“Are you giving an interview?” Alan said.
Sebastian grinned. “Try and stop me.”
“There you are,” Cora said. “It’s probably better if you both do it, but suit yourselves.”
The brothers looked at each other.
Sebastian smirked.
Alan’s face purpled. “This is outrageous!”
Cora shrugged. “Yes, it is. Once you start killing people it’s never nice. So. You know your lines. Get out there and give ’em hell.”
“Now?” Alan said.
“No time like the present. And consider this. If you advance your theory first, Sebastian’s will look like retaliation. On the other hand, if he goes first…”
Alan scowled. “What are
you
going to say?”
“Me?” Cora said. “I’m not going to say anything.”
“They’re going to ask you questions.”
“No, they’re not.”
“Why not?”
Cora smiled. “Because I was never here,” she said, and hopped out the window.
Cora checked her
watch. It was ten minutes to ten. She leaned against the condiments counter, sipped her latte, made room for a woman adding cream and sugar. Cushman’s Bake Shop was crowded that time of morning. There was a line for coffee and muffins.
Barney Nathan pushed his way through the door, spotted Cora, came over. “All right, what’s so important?”
“Keep your voice down, Barney. We don’t want to cause a scene.”
“Well, why’d you want to meet me here?”
“You look tense, Barney. Have a latte.”
“Cora.”
“I know it’s caffeine, but it’s comfort food.”
“Please. I have patients waiting.”
“They’ll wait. They’re patient. That’s where the name comes from.”
“Why’d you want to meet here?”
“Because people are creatures of habit.”
“Huh?”
“Sorry, I don’t mean to be flip. I’m just so happy I got my groove back.”
“What are you talking about?”
“How was dinner?”
Barney made a face.
“That bad, huh? You take your wife?”
“It was a formal dinner. Charity event. I was the speaker. Been scheduled for months.”
“So you did. How did that go?”
“It was excruciating. She was polite. Frosty, reserved, and polite. I couldn’t look at her. The speech was a disaster. I couldn’t focus, kept losing my train of thought.”
“Welcome to the Monkey House.”
“Huh?”
“It’s a Kurt Vonnegut short story. It seemed appropriate somehow.”
“I’ve really gotta get back.”
“Not just yet. I need you, Barney.”
“Why?”
“As a buffer.”
Becky Baldwin came in, got in line. She looked around, spotted Cora. Her eyes widened. She strode up to her. “All right, what the hell do you think you’re doing?” she demanded.
Cora took a step back, managed to maneuver Barney in between her and Becky. “Hi, Becky. What’s up?”
“Don’t hi Becky me. Why don’t you answer your phone?”
“Oh, were you trying to get me?”
“You know damn well I was trying to get you. What’s the big idea?”
Cora glanced around the coffee shop. Everyone was looking at them. “Why don’t we take this outside?”
Without waiting for an answer, Cora pushed by Becky and went out the front door.
Becky came out and confronted her in the street.
“Don’t you want to get a coffee, Becky? It’ll perk you right up.”
“Damn it, Cora, this isn’t funny. My client’s very upset.”
“Oh, really?
He
gave an interview and
he’s
upset? He’s a big boy. He can make his own decisions.”
“He says you pulled a gun.”
“In the interview?”
“Don’t be dumb.”
Barney Nathan came out the door, saw the two women arguing in the street. He hesitated, not knowing what to do.
“Hold on, Barney,” Cora said. “I’ll be right there.” She turned back to Becky Baldwin. “What’s wrong with what your client said?”
“It’s not what he said, it’s what his brother said about him.”
“Sebastian? He’s not your client, is he?”
“Of course not.”
“Then I don’t see how you can be upset about what I told him.”
“Don’t play dumb with me. Alan told me the whole thing. You concocted the whole scheme. He accuses his brother of trying to poison his aunts, and Sebastian accuses Alan of trying to poison Arlene.”
“What’s wrong with that?”
“Arlene is furious.”
“That’s understandable. No one likes to be poisoned.”
“No one’s poisoning her. It’s a total fabrication. Something you made up out of whole cloth. And he’s feeding it to the media. What are you trying to do, break his engagement?”