Armageddon Outta Here - The World of Skulduggery Pleasant (19 page)

“Geoffrey gets eaten,” China said. “Am I on loudspeaker?”

“Yes, sorry, should have told you. Valkyrie and Geoffrey are here.”

“Can they hear me?”

“Yes, they can.”

“Hello, Valkyrie,” China said.

“Uh, hi,” Valkyrie said back. “Is this going to take long? The shark’s coming for him.”

China said something in response but Scrutinous didn’t hear it. The shark came at him like a torpedo, its mouth open impossibly wide and all those teeth biting in at him. Scrutinous shrieked, dimly aware of Skulduggery gesturing, and then he was sent deeper into the water, tumbling head over heels, the shark missing him by inches.

Scrutinous turned, twisted, saw the shark flick its great tail and shoot back towards him, coming in for another go. In desperation, knowing it was useless but doing it anyway, he started to swim away from it. But there was nowhere to swim to, nowhere to hide, and then something snagged his right wrist.

An invisible force yanked him to the surface, the shark passing so close that its rough skin scraped like sandpaper across his leg. He broke the surface, gasping, realising that Valkyrie had grabbed his arm and pulled, and for a moment he saw the both of them, the alarm in Valkyrie’s eyes, Skulduggery still working on the pen, the room around them, and then he dropped again, below the surface, and Valkyrie and Skulduggery disappeared and there was only the shark down there in the middle of the ocean.

Oxygen bubbles filled his vision and he jerked his head from side to side, trying to get his bearings, trying to work out what direction the shark would attack from. Then he saw it, that huge mouth, those huge teeth, coming in on top of him and there was no way out, not this time, and the massive jaws closed over him just as the water went away and Scrutinous fell to the floor.

“There,” Skulduggery said. “I think that did it.”

Scrutinous sat up, gasping, looking around in astonishment.

“Is he dead?” China asked from the phone.

“Not even remotely,” Skulduggery said. “He’s back on dry land. Many thanks, China.”

He hung up as Valkyrie helped Scrutinous to his feet. The water was gone, the shark was gone. Scrutinous wasn’t even wet any more.

“It had me,” he said. “The shark had me. I was, literally, about to be torn in two. You saved me. In the nick of time, you saved me.”

“You’re welcome,” Skulduggery said.

“I was talking to Valkyrie.”

Skulduggery’s head tilted. “But I’m the one who worked the whole thing out.”

Valkyrie grinned. “You’re very welcome, Geoffrey, although I can’t take all the credit. China helped, you know.”

“But I carved the right symbol,” Skulduggery said.

Scrutinous clasped Valkyrie’s hand in his. “If there is anything I can do for you in the future, anything at all, do not hesitate to ask.”

Skulduggery looked at him. “Can I ask, too?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Valkyrie cared that I was being attacked. You told me to shut up.”

“That’s because your screaming was very annoying. How is that my fault?”

“If you’ll excuse me,” Scrutinous said, “I’m going to go for a walk. A nice, long walk, on solid ground.”

He left them, heard them bickering behind him, and then Valkyrie was laughing and Skulduggery was acting offended. Scrutinous emerged into the midday sun, took a deep, calming breath, and headed off in search of some lunch.

Possibly seafood.

In December 2011 Derek launched a competition on his blog (
dereklandy.blogspot.com
) to find two characters for a new short story, to be published exclusively in this book. One of them had to be Australian, and one of them had to be New Zealandish… New Zealandan… um, from New Zealand.

After much deliberation over all the fantastic entries, Derek chose:

Tane Aiavao, of New Zealand, created by Josie. Tane is a laid-back Maori Elemental with zero planning skills.

Hayley Skirmish, of Australia, created by Sparky Braginski. Hayley is a strong-willed, plain-speaking Adept with the ability to jump, flip, and run along walls and ceilings.

Congratulations to Josie and Sparky! And now read on for the brand-new story featuring their amazing characters…

ombies,” Tane Aiavao muttered as they crept closer to the mausoleum. “I hate zombies.”

The night air was filled with the stench of the dead. It wafted through the headstones and played with the long grasses of this remote Brisbane cemetery, and it was all Tane and Hayley could do to stop from gagging whenever one of the shambling, rotting things got too close. They stayed low, moving through the shadows, ready to run or fight in an instant should their luck change.

Hayley Skirmish, her brown hair tied back in a ponytail, held the axe in a two-handed grip. Tane, his own hair sticking up in a clump, followed behind her and did most of the complaining. Unlike his Australian companion, Tane didn’t cherish these calm moments before the storm, and he cherished the storm even less. Tane was a New Zealander, a Kiwi, and even more than that he was a Maori, and he reckoned Hayley could learn a thing or two from him on how to relax. Not that he’d ever suggest it. Tane was a big guy, but not all of it was muscle, and there was something about Hayley that was just flat-out
intimidating
to a bloke like him. She was athletic and pretty and impressive, looked to be around seventeen, so she was a bit younger than he was – but even so, she was in charge, and that was the end of it.

Hayley moved her hand in a quick motion and they stopped where they were, within sight of the rusted iron gates of the Doherty family crypt. They could hear movement all around them. Tane peered about and caught glimpses of things that had once been people, lurching with each step. He disguised his whimper behind a terrified moan, and realised that Hayley was looking at him, like she was waiting for something.

“What?” he whispered.

“The amulet,” she whispered back impatiently in that broad Aussie accent. “Hurry.”

He frowned at her. “I don’t have the amulet.”

“What? You were meant to bring it!”

“I thought you were meant to bring it.”

“I brought the axe!”

“No one told me I had to bring the amulet.”

“I told you! Before we left!”

He let a moment pass. “I thought you were joking.”

“Right,” she whispered decisively, turning so she was facing him. “I’m going to kill you.”

He flinched away from the axe. “I thought we didn’t need the amulet – didn’t Skulduggery say they’d be able to do this without it?”

Her grip on the axe was turning her knuckles white, and she had that look in her eye, the look that meant she was barely controlling her anger. “He did say that. And then Valkyrie said no, they
hoped
they’d be able to do this without the amulet, but that if they couldn’t, they’d use the amulet as a last resort.”

“A last resort?”

“To save the world.”

Tane gave a feeble smile. “See? We’ve got nothing to worry about. I mean, when was the last time we used a last-resort-type weapon?”

“Monday.”

He chewed his lip. “I’m sure we won’t need to do it again so soon, though. It’ll be fine.”

She leaned in close, real close, close enough to bite his nose clean off. “You,” she said in a whisper so coarse it was sliding off sandpaper, “are an idiot.”

He shrugged and muttered something and went to retie his bootlace before he remembered gumboots don’t have laces, and eventually Hayley looked back at the mausoleum. When they were sure they wouldn’t be seen, they hurried to the gate. The lock had been snapped, but the hinges still creaked as they slipped through. Tane’s feet crunched on pebbles, but Hayley’s bare feet moved over them with barely a sound, and within moments they were passing through the heavy door into the dank confines of the final resting place (in theory, anyway) of the once great Doherty clan. Two flaming torches, held in wall brackets on either side, illuminated the ancient coffins that lay empty and broken all around them. Moving slowly, they approached the crumbling hole in the ground, a pit so impossibly dark it could have led into the infinitely fathomless depths of Hell itself.

“Looks pretty deep,” Tane said.

Hayley didn’t bother answering him. She did a quick check around to make sure all the coffins were indeed empty, and then moved back to the door. Hayley was good at standing guard. She was alert, and she didn’t get bored as easily as Tane did, and she didn’t start fidgeting or go for a wander, the way Tane tended to.

His eyes scanned the crypt, not finding a whole lot of interest. The plan was that they wait here for the sign, and then they help Skulduggery and Valkyrie close over this gaping pit, which was the reason the dead were walking. Skulduggery had explained it to them that very afternoon, how they had figured it all out, about the centuries-old family curse and the last of the Doherty bloodline and something else about how the wicked shall not rest and something about a dog. Or a bog, or something like that. Maybe a log.

“What does a log have to do with all this?” he asked Hayley.

“Nothing whatsoever.”

He nodded to himself. It was definitely either dog or bog. He looked down into the pit. Could it really be called a pit? What made a hole a pit? It was about two metres in diameter and very dark, but apart from that, it was just a hole. He picked up a small piece of rubble and dropped it into the darkness. He listened for the sound of it hitting the bottom. Nothing. Either the hole was very, very deep or the piece of rubble was way too small. He picked up another piece, a heavier, chunkier piece.

“What are you doing?” Hayley asked suddenly.

He hid the chunk of rubble behind his back. “Nothing.”

“You’re doing something. What are you doing?”

“I’m not doing anything,” he said. “I’m standing here, that’s all.”

Her eyes narrowed. “Stay away from the pit.”

“It’s more of a hole, really.”

“Shut up, and stay away from it.”

He didn’t respond. She glared at him once more, then went back to peering out of the door. In Tane’s experience, Australians were fine most of the time, but whenever they were in dangerous situations they tended to lose their sense of humour. Making sure he wouldn’t be caught, Tane tossed the chunk of rubble into the hole and listened for a sound. It came almost immediately, a soft thud and a moan. Tane frowned. A moan?

The zombie pulled itself up and grabbed his ankle and Tane shrieked. He kicked out and fell back and the zombie was clambering from the hole/pit/whatever it was, its flesh rotten and disgusting. Tane was aware of Hayley dragging him away as the zombie reached for him again.

“What did you do?” she hissed.

“I just wanted to see how deep it was!”

“I told you not to go near it!”

“Who are you to be giving me orders?”

She dropped him and strode forwards. “I’m the one with the axe.”

Zombies are scary and all, and there’s the whole loss of identity and mindless savagery side to them, but one on one, they’re not very effective. Now in an enclosed space, if you’re outnumbered and there’s nowhere to run, you can offer up a prayer to whichever god you believe in and prepare to have your brains eaten. In that kind of situation, you’re pretty much doomed. But when there’s only one of them, and they’re as slow and clumsy as they usually are, and they’re facing an Australian girl who’s had experience wielding an axe, they don’t really stand much of a chance.