T
he tension that filled Kage’s living room could be cut with a knife. Jane walked straight to Garrett, ignoring Kage. Each step she made more painful and desperate for her. She’d brought Scott into Kage’s life and put him in the position to stand back while Scott beat her. Her heart broke for the fear and frustration emanating from Kage, and she was responsible for him feeling that way.
He’d survived so much in his life and came back stronger each time, but she feared she finally broke him, and that was the last thing she wanted to do. How would he ever look at her again and still want her? It was one thing for him to hear secondhand about the abuse she’d gone through. It was another to have witnessed how powerless she became around Scott.
He spoke not a word, nor moved toward her, but she could feel his gaze. Each step away from him hurt him in a way she knew he’d never forgive her. She stopped beside Garrett and waited. Her brother lifted his arm, and she shook her head, moving a step away. She’d crack if anyone touched her.
Garrett’s brow furrowed, but he respected her wishes. She owed Garrett big-time for what she’d put him through over the last month.
Tired of being the center of everyone’s attention, she wanted only to go home. Feeling truly lost without Bluff and now Kage, she walked to the door with her bag hanging from her hand. Away from everything, she could hole up in her bed and pretend that none of this had happened. She’d hold Kage’s love inside her heart for the rest of her life and know it was the best thing anyone ever gave her.
“Later.” Tony bypassed her and jogged to his Chevy.
“Glad it’s done, Janie.” Lance winked at her, unsmiling, before heading after Tony.
She stepped off the porch and inhaled deeply, finding it easier to breathe outside.
She listened in the darkness and peered out at the bushes on the edge of the front lawn. “I hope Bluff’s o—”
“Baby?” Kage said from behind her.
She stopped and squeezed her eyes closed. Her throat tightened, shutting down her eagerness to respond. The comfort in one endearment tempted her to turn around and fly into his arms.
“Janie, look at me,” Kage said.
She opened her eyes and pivoted on her heel. She bit her tongue to keep from sobbing. He gave her the breath to breathe, her strength to be strong, and her will to overcome her past.
“Thought you understood me and what being in my bed meant.” He tilted his head. “I promised you I’d never push you out of my life again, and now you’re the one walking away. You’re killing me, baby.”
“Kage…” She glanced at Garrett, who stepped away, giving them space. “I need time.”
His pupils constricted, he was that close to her. “Away from me?”
“Yeah,” she whispered.
He immediately deflated, and it killed her. “One question…do you love me?” he asked softly.
She pressed her hand to her chest, aching inside. “You know I do.”
Kage snapped his gaze up and nodded to Garrett. Her brother stepped in front of her, kissed her cheek gently, and said, “You’ve haven’t been given a choice in a long time, sis. I’m giving you one now. You say the word, and I’ll take you home.”
She stared up into her brother’s eyes and opened her mouth, but the words never came. She grabbed his arm, desperate for him to understand she wanted him. She trusted Kage to tell her if she was doing the right thing. Her decisions always got her in trouble and steered her down the wrong path, but she’d learned to trust herself when it came to him. Her choice to love Kage wasn’t wrong or bad.
“I love you.” Garrett kissed her forehead and walked away. Behind her, the car door opened and shut. She whipped her head around, scared she was doing more harm than good by staying.
“Let’s go inside and talk.” Kage slipped his fingers into her hand.
She tugged to free her arm so she could run toward the car to catch Garrett, but Kage pulled her back against him and wrapped both arms around her. With her back tight against him, she watched her brother back out of the yard, not even looking her way.
“I don’t want to talk. Let’s just savor the moment.” She squeezed her eyes shut.
He picked her up on a startled scream and headed toward the house. “Then you can listen, and I’ll talk. Every time you want to build a wall around yourself and push me away, you can bet I’ll do everything in my power to make you stop.”
She kicked out with her legs. “Put me down!”
His arm tightened around her knees. “Not happening.”
“Let me go.” She hissed through gritted teeth. “I’m through with men who want to boss me around and…and…assholes.”
“Good to hear.” Kage carried her through the doorway and kicked the door shut. “I’m protective when it comes to my woman. I wouldn’t want you around those kinds of men either.”
“You’re one of them.” Jane pushed at his shoulders, and to her relief he put her down. Without missing an opportunity, she scrounged through her bag and found her phone.
“Who are you calling?” he asked.
“Not that it’s any of your business, but Sabrina. You’re not the only one who has friends who’ll have your back. I’ve got my own friends, and when I need their help, they won’t manhandle me and make me do what I don’t want to do.” She turned on her phone, but Kage ripped it from her hands and threw it against the wall. The cell split in half and the battery ricocheted into the couch.
Jane gasped. “What the hell are you doing?”
“Say it again,” he whispered.
She blinked several times without understanding the change in the tone of his voice or his demand. “What?”
“Tell me about your friends.”
“I…it doesn’t matter.” She marched toward the door. “I’ll walk all the way home if I have to.”
He reached the door first. “You have friends who have your back.”
It dawned on her what she said. The implications of what it meant. The knowledge that when she needed her friends, she’d pushed them away. “Don’t do this to me.”
“Stop hiding.”
Jane dropped her gaze. “I can’t.”
“You can,” he said, his voice dropping lower. “You have to, baby. This isn’t healthy.”
She rounded on him. “You don’t think I don’t know that? Nothing about me is healthy. I spent four years letting someone beat the crap out of me if I looked at him the wrong way. What kind of person does that? Each time I ran, I’d let myself believe it was the last time…it was finally over and I’d be free. And, every single time, I went back with him. You think the problem is fixed because you captured Scott? It’s not, because the problem is in here.” She thumped her chest. “
I’m
the problem.”
“Janie—”
“It’s true.” She held her hand in front of her. “Look at what happened between you and me. Three nights, and I’m on my back, you between my legs. That’s how desperate I am. You’d already turned me away once, and yet at the first sign of attention from you, I sleep with you. You offered me safety and protection, but you don’t really love me.”
He frowned. “Why would you say I don’t love you?”
“Because you’ve never told me.” Her heart raced, and she gasped for breath. “I can’t even think for myself anymore or trust my own judgment. I rely on you for support, because you’re strong enough for both of us.”
“You’re not—”
“One day you’ll wake up and realize your good intentions suck, and you’re tired of me. I won’t do that to you.” She sucked in air. “I’ll slowly kill whatever we have, and I won’t allow another person I care about to die. Do you understand me? I don’t want you to die.”
He put his hands in his front pockets and his gaze softened. She stood alone, breathing hard, unable to control the way the tightness in her chest splintered, leaving pain throughout her body, robbing her of every thought.
“He died,” she said on a sob. “Because of me, Daddy’s gone, and I’ll never be able to talk with him again or hold his hand. He had huge hands, bigger than anyone I know, and rough. More times than not, he’d leave a spot of grease behind on everything he touched. Do you know how many times I’d glance in a mirror and see a smudge of grease on my chin or cheek because Dad patted my face, just because he loved me?”
“Yes, he loved you,” he said.
“He’d always tell me ‘I love you, Janie girl.’ Then h-he’d pat my head and smile before he cupped my cheek. Always. And, now I’ll never feel his touch because his heart couldn’t take what I put him through.” She cupped her elbows in her hands and curled into herself. “I killed him, and I can’t bring him back.”
Kage gathered her in his arms, walked to the couch, and sat with her on his lap. She shoved her face into his neck. The guilt of what happened the morning her dad died slowly drowned her. She’d pushed aside her grief in order to survive and nothing, not even Kage, could stop the emptiness inside of her from coming out.
“Your dad had a heart attack, baby,” he whispered, stroking her hair.
She shook her head. “He died because I had finally worked up the nerve to call him at three o’clock in the morning after Scott got done teaching me a lesson. I told him everything.”
“Jane. That did not kill your dad.”
She pushed against Kage and gazed up into his face. “He died outside, beside the car, his keys in his hand, right after I called him to come and get me. All I cared about was someone was finally coming to help me get away from Scott, and instead I killed him.”
“Your dad needed a valve replacement, baby. The doctor had been after him for weeks, but he didn’t want to take time away from the garage to take care of his health. After he died, the doctor at the hospital told Garrett that his heart simply gave out. It was not because you called and asked for help.” Kage held her face between his hands. “He was your father. He could handle the truth. That’s his job, and just because it coincided with his heart failing him, you must know that he was doing the one thing he wanted to do. He loved you, and he was coming to help.”
“A heart problem?” she said.
He kissed her forehead. “It was not your fault.”
She stared at him, not understanding all the new information being thrown at her. Dad had taught her how to be strong and always supported her in whatever she wanted to do. He should’ve told her about his health problems.
If she’d known, she could’ve talked with him more. She let out her breath, closed her eyes, and felt Kage swipe moisture across her cheek.
When she opened her eyes, she realized she was crying.
“Let it go,” he whispered, pulling her down against his chest. “It’s been too damn long. You’ve never cried. You’re too fucking strong.”
And maybe, because he gave her his permission, Jane’s careful hold on her emotions crumbled. She cried for lost time, for missing her dad’s life the last four years, for not being a good sister, and for putting her garbage on Kage’s shoulders.
She replayed her life, changing the things she wished could’ve been different. The happy times and the special moments, no one could take those memories away from her. Most of all, she remembered the boy who always stood up for her, whether it was against her brother or so-called friends she’d lost along the way growing up. She held onto Kage’s shirt, afraid he’d let her go.
Hours later, or sometime in the early morning, she woke up in bed, wrapped in Kage’s arms. She slid out from under him. Her head was heavy from all the tears, but the pressure in her chest was lighter and less painful.
He propped his head on his hand. “Where are you going?”
“I have to find something.” She turned on the bedroom light, squinting against the glare.
She found her shoes at the end of the bed. Wide awake and anxious to show Kage, she smiled at him.
“Is your car locked?” she asked. “I need my purse.”
He pushed off the bed. “I’ll get it.”
“Okay.” She pushed her hair out of her face. “I’ll start the coffee.”
In the kitchen, tears threatened again, and she pushed them away. She rushed to the back door, and opened it. The bowl of cat food still sat full on the step.
Oh, Bluff. Where are you?
Kage came in the kitchen. “Here’s your purse.”
“Bluff never came to eat.” She closed the door. “Do you think she’s okay if she’s out there in the woods?”
“Yeah, baby, she’s a cat. After being stuck inside the house lately, she’s probably exploring. Do you know if she’s fixed?” He scratched his chest.
“I-I don’t know.” She dropped her arms and stared at Kage. “She’s was really young and little when I found her. Just a kitten, really.”
“I’ll take that as a no.” He smiled tenderly. “I don’t have to explain a female cat’s behavior to you, right?”
She fought a grin. “No.”
“I checked around the house when I was out there. I didn’t find her, but I’ll look in the woods and down by the spring before I have to head to work. Are you going to the garage today?”
“Yeah. I want to talk to Garrett,” she said.
“Right.” Kage sat down at the table and rubbed his hands over his face. “Are we good this morning?”
“Yes.” Jane moved in and kissed him. “Thank you. For everything.”
He scooped her onto his lap. “More.”
She kissed him again.
God. How could she walk away from him, from this? Her lips softened and warmed. His tongued stroked her slow and hot. Pleasure walked up her spine, leaving tingles in its wake. Her belly rolled, turning her insides to mush.
He made everything okay. It felt good, right, exhilarating.
Yet she put her hands on his chest, and pushed him away gently. “I have to show you something.”
“Thought that’s what you were doing when we were kissing,” he said.
“A different something. I was going to show you after the first time we had sex, but you distracted me.” She tugged her purse off the table, extracted her wallet, and held it in her lap. “Do you remember when I came home for the funeral?”
“Yeah,” he whispered, and his hold on her tightened.
“What you don’t know is Scott threatened to make a scene at the funeral if I didn’t promise to come back to him.” Hatred burned in her stomach at the memory. “I couldn’t even concentrate on what was happening at home or with Garrett. I wasn’t allowed to mourn Dad the way I wanted. Last night…well, I need to face that he’s really gone. I know that.”