“I can’t. Don’t you see that?” She turned on him, anger bringing a flush to her cheeks. “You heard what he said that day at Barbara’s picnic. You know how fair he always is. If he thought the father wanted Gracie, what would he do?”
“Anna, listen. If your father understood all of it, if he knew everything you’ve told me, I’m sure he would stand by you.”
“And what if he didn’t? What if he said that a legal paper doesn’t make Gracie mine? I can’t risk it. I can’t tell him. Once it’s said, it can’t be unsaid.”
“But—” Samuel thought she was wrong, but her quick mind ran circles around his. He couldn’t find the argument that would convince her.
“Samuel, you can’t tell anyone.” Fear made her voice urgent. “You must promise me that you won’t tell anyone what I’ve told you.” She grabbed his arms, her grip fierce. “Promise me.”
“Ja, Anna, I promise.” Whether it was right or wrong, he could do nothing else. “I won’t tell. And I will help you.”
She let go of him, stepping back, her face changing as if she had turned into someone he didn’t know.
“Help? If Pete came and tried to take the baby, what could you do? You wouldn’t take up a weapon against him. You wouldn’t call the police.”
“Anna—”
She shook her head, eyes filling with tears. “Don’t you see? I can’t keep Gracie safe here. I should never have come home.”
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Anna’s
throat was still tight with unshed tears from that painful scene with Samuel when she reached Leah’s house. No matter how frightened she was about Pete, Myra’s problems were more immediate.
Reason told her that chances were very small Pete could find her, even if he’d somehow learned where she came from. Amish society was one of the few places in America that was off the communication network. No search of phone records or Inter-net sites would tell him anything.
“Ach, Anna, it’s wonderful gut to see you.” Leah turned away from the kitchen sink, drying her hands as she hurried to embrace Anna. “I didn’t expect you to come back again today, or I wouldn’t be in the midst of doing the dishes.”
That was the flip side to Amish isolation. She hadn’t been able to call and tell Leah about the trouble. She’d had to come and hope Leah was here.
“It doesn’t matter at all,” she said quickly. The stacks of baked goods Leah had been collecting this morning must all have been delivered. With its warm wood cabinets and sparkling countertops, Leah’s kitchen looked like any English kitchen, except that the appliances ran on propane and there was a gas lamp over the pine table.
“I had to talk to you—”
Anna’s words were arrested when two-year-old Rachel came rushing across the kitchen to throw herself at Anna’s legs. “Gently, Rachel,” Leah chided.
Anna scooped the little girl up in her arms to plant a kiss on her chubby cheek.
“Gracie,” Rachel demanded, patting Anna’s face.
“Gracie couldn’t come this time. Next time, all right?”
Losing interest since her cousin wasn’t there, Rachel wiggled. “Down.”
Anna couldn’t help but chuckle as she lowered her niece to the floor. “She does know what she wants, doesn’t she?”
“She’s spoiled, that’s what, with Daniel and the older children fussing over her since the day she was born.”
Given the indulgent smile on Leah’s face, Anna thought they weren’t the only ones doing the spoiling. Rachel was the boppli Leah had never expected to have, until Daniel came to the valley.
And if Rachel was a little indulged, was that so bad? She was also greatly loved, not just by her parents but by her extended family, indeed, her whole community.
Anna’s heart clenched. If she had to leave, Gracie would never know that love.
“Sit, now, and I’ll fix some tea.” Leah waved her dish towel toward the nearest chair.
“Not now, denke.” She had to get to her reason for coming. The memory of Myra’s bright, unnerving smile pushed at her. “I have to talk to you about Myra.”
Leah’s eyes filled with concern. “What has happened?”
“She’s not adjusting at all to the situation. She’s convinced herself that the doctor is wrong. I’m afraid, when the reality finally hits, it will devastate her.”
“Ach, I was afraid of that.”
“I hoped we could get her to meet with your friend at the clinic, but I’m afraid she won’t agree.”
“Lydia Weaver. Lydia is just the person to help her. I’ve never met anyone more compassionate.” Leah’s own face shone with caring.
She tossed the dishtowel she was holding onto the rack and went to the door. “Elizabeth?” she called up the stairs.
“Ja, Mammi.” Footsteps thudded on the steps, and Leah’s stepdaughter appeared. “Aunt Anna.” She smiled. “It is gut to see you.”
“Elizabeth, I need you to watch Rachel. Aunt Anna and I must go out for a few minutes.”
Curiosity filled Elizabeth’s eyes, but she didn’t ask questions. She just nodded and went quickly to the living room where Rachel was playing.
“Now.” Leah took Anna’s hand in a firm grip. “We will go to the telephone shanty to make an appointment for Myra right away.”
Anna felt the burden she’d been carrying grow suddenly lighter as they hurried out to the buggy. Leah could be counted on.
She climbed up, and Leah got quickly into the seat next to her.
“The closest phone is just across the field, but we can go by the lane.” Leah pointed out the route. “Daniel had the phone shanty put in after little Rachel arrived so soon and Rachel Brand had to deliver her.”
“I’m sorry.” Anna’s words came without planning. “I wish I’d been here.”
“I know.” Leah clasped her hand.
“If I hadn’t stopped writing, it wouldn’t have been so hard for you to find me.”
“When you left, you promised you’d stay in touch.” Leah said the words slowly, as if they were heavy. “Why, Anna? Why didn’t you?”
Tears blinded her eyes. “I thought it would all be easy.” She looked back in wonderment at the foolish girl she’d been. “When it wasn’t, when it was a struggle just to survive, I felt I couldn’t tell you that. And I couldn’t lie, so I just stopped writing.”
Leah clasped her hand firmly for a moment. “You can tell me anything.”
Anything? Pain struck Anna’s heart.
She’d thought that once she told Samuel about the troubles with Pete, she’d be free of the compulsion to tell someone, but instead the need was even stronger. She longed to spill out the whole story to Leah. Leah, more familiar with the world than most Amish through her work at the clinic, would probably understand.
But what if she told Daadi, and what if he thought Pete should be given a chance? How could she risk it?
She couldn’t. Anna wiped away a tear with the back of her hand and saw that tears filled Leah’s eyes, too. “Look at us, riding along and crying. What would people think if they saw us?
“They might think it is gut that I have my sister back,” Leah said.
Anna’s heart clenched, and again she felt the pressure to tell Leah. But she couldn’t.
“What if Myra refuses to go?” She asked it abruptly, because it seemed easier to focus on that.
Leah patted her shoulder. “I think when the two Beiler sisters are determined, no one will stand in their way for long. We’ll get her there.”
“Samuel will help. We talked about it, and he’ll convince Joseph.”
“Ja, that’s gut. Myra needs everyone in agreement on this.”
Leah gestured toward the grassy lane that led to the shed, and Anna turned in. Betsy probably wondered why she was making two trips to a phone shanty in one day, but she plodded along obediently.
“So you and Samuel are getting close, ain’t so?” Leah said.
A few days ago Anna would have been able to turn the question away with a laughing response. Now she couldn’t. Now her throat clogged with tears at the thought of how she’d left things with Samuel.
If she could change what she’d said to him—no, she probably wouldn’t if she could. What she’d said was true. She dare not risk doing what he wanted. And if Pete came . . .
If Pete came, all she could do was what she’d done before. Run. As far and as fast as she could.
Joseph
was getting stronger—there was no doubt about that in Samuel’s mind. He’d come out to the shop when Anna left for Leah’s again, obviously curious.
Not having figured out how to tell him about Myra, Samuel had taken the cowardly way and shown him the machine he was working on. The result was predictable. At the moment, Joseph was seated on a chair next to the workbench, tinkering with the portable generator that had been acting up.
Joseph’s improvement was a relief to Samuel’s mind, but in a way he almost wished it weren’t so, since that might give him an excuse not to have the conversation he knew he must have.
He’d promised Anna he’d talk with Joseph, and so he would, as soon as he finished welding the broken harrow. He slid his goggles into place and started the torch.
Unfortunately, even that didn’t keep him from thinking of what Anna had said, standing in this very spot.
She’d been upset, that was all. She hadn’t meant it about leaving.
But he was afraid she did, and after hearing her story, he couldn’t bring himself to blame her for anything she’d said. Thinking of her confronting a dangerous addict on her own tied his stomach in knots. He could only thank God she hadn’t been hurt.
Still, she’d lied. She continued to lie to her family by what she didn’t say, and now she’d brought him into the lie, too.
If she let her fear of that man push her into running again, what chance was there that they’d ever see her again?
She’d leave pain behind for all of them, but he couldn’t pretend he was thinking of the others. It was the possibility of his own loss that tortured him. He loved her.
He’d never intended to let that happen. Hadn’t thought it could. But it had. And now, just when he’d begun to believe he could trust himself to love someone, she might disappear.
He switched off the torch and bent to have a look at the harrow. Anna wouldn’t leave. She and Gracie were happy here. He had to believe that.
Satisfied that his work, at least, was under control, he tossed the goggles aside. Enough of these thoughts. He had to talk to Joseph, and the sooner the better.
Joseph looked up at his approach and put down his screwdriver, stretching cautiously. “I’m thinking maybe that’s enough for today. I should go in and make sure Myra’s all right. Did you know Anna went off to see Leah again this afternoon?”
Samuel didn’t miss the critical note in Joseph’s voice. He leaned against the end of the workbench, trying to decide how to respond. Ordinarily Joseph was the most easygoing of men, but his slow recovery had put an edge on his temper.
“It’s gut to see Anna and Leah being friends again, ain’t so?” he said mildly.
Joseph pressed one hand on his ribs as he levered himself to stand. “That’s fine enough, but Anna left Gracie for Myra to mind. She should be helping Myra, not giving her extra work to do.”
Samuel had the sense that Joseph was probably talking out of his own frustration at not being able to do what he should. Still, Samuel couldn’t let a rift start between Joseph and Anna if he could help it.
“Anna went to see Leah today because she’s worried about Myra. As I am. We hope that Leah will be able to help.”
“What do you mean? Worried about what?” Joseph straightened to his full height, supporting himself with a hand on the bench. “Myra’s fine and healthy. The doctor said so.”
Did Joseph really not suspect anything? “Ja, her body is all right. But her mind—”
“There’s nothing wrong with my Myra’s mind. I am her husband. If something was wrong, I would know.”
“Joseph, have you heard the way she talks about the baby? It’s like she didn’t hear anything the doctor said. Anna thinks—”
“Ach, Anna. I love my sister, but she always brings too much drama to everything. You know what she was like when she was a teenager. She’s making a mountain out of a molehill, that’s all.”
“Anna isn’t the person she was when she went away. She’s a grown woman now, and she’s worried about Myra. So am I. It is not gut for Myra to refuse to accept the truth.”
“There is nothing wrong with Myra.” Joseph’s face reddened. “It is a difficult time for her. You should be supporting her, not criticizing her.”
Samuel had gone about this all wrong, it seemed. “I am not criticizing. I just want her to get the help she needs.”
“Myra is fine.” Joseph turned away, probably too fast, because he sucked in a breath and put his hand to his ribs. “Just leave it alone. Both of you leave it alone.”
He walked stiffly out of the shop. Usually Samuel would have given him an arm to help him into the house, but he didn’t think Joseph would appreciate that right now.
Samuel ran a hand through his hair. Anna had trusted him to gain Joseph’s support, and he’d failed.
Anna
checked the chicken potpie that simmered on the stove. Almost done. Maybe supper would improve the atmosphere in the house. Everyone, even Sarah and Gracie, seemed a bit out of sorts since she got home.
Her own thoughts had been chaotic. Leah’s call to her friend at the clinic had resulted in an appointment for Myra tomorrow. Now, somehow, they had to convince her to keep it.
And Anna had stopped at Rosemary’s on the way home. She’d tried to explain as little as possible, but Rosemary had jumped to so many conclusions that maybe it would have been better to tell her everything.
Rosemary had agreed to come right over if Liz called. That was the important thing. But she’d gone further than that. She’d offered Anna a loan to leave now—today, in fact.
Anna ladled potpie, made the traditional Amish way with square, puffy noodles, into Myra’s biggest earthenware bowl. She didn’t want to take Rosemary’s money. She didn’t want to leave now, maybe not ever. But it might be better, at that. If she were to leave, the longer she put it off, the harder it became on everyone, including herself. At least now she knew someone would support her, if it came to that.