I FINALLY WENT to relieve Micah at Nathaniel’s bedside. We had a series of rooms that had been made into hospital rooms so that when our people were hurt they didn’t all have to go to the lycanthrope hospital that the wererats had set up years ago for the local shapeshifters. Human hospitals didn’t always like treating lycanthropes. The room was smallish with a twin hospital bed, subdued lighting at the moment, but I knew that the brightest lights in the entire underground were in these rooms. It had been yet another remodeling project when we did everything else. Jean-Claude was really trying to make this our home. I missed windows.
I’d gotten my hysterics out of the way. I sat there holding the hand that wasn’t attached to a freshly shot shoulder. Nathaniel smiled at me, and that was enough. I regretted having to kill Haven the way I did, but I couldn’t regret him being dead. He’d shot Nathaniel. He’d meant to take that smile, those eyes, and the hand in mine away from me forever. No, I didn’t regret Haven being dead. If Noel hadn’t been dead, I think I’d have felt a lot better than I did about all of it.
“I’m sorry that you had to kill Haven,” Nathaniel said.
I blinked and realized I wasn’t sure what my face had been showing in the last few minutes. I smiled at him. “It’s okay.”
“No,” he said, “it’s not.”
I shrugged, the spare shoulder rig a little tight. The old one was going to have to be repaired, again. At least I hadn’t had it cut off me in an emergency room. “It is what it is.”
“Do you want me to let you be all macho about this?” he asked.
I nodded. “Please. I had my breakdown earlier.”
He squeezed my hand. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there to help.”
That made me smile again. “Jean-Claude and Richard handled me.”
There was a soft knock at the door, and I didn’t know who it was until Damian came through. I was still numb from Marmee Noir and the Lover of Death, and from everything else. I realized this was the most alone in my head and emotions I’d been in a very long time. I used to crave being separate; now it felt weird, as if a piece of me had gone AWOL.
Damian had changed into his favorite robe. It looked like a Victorian smoking jacket except it came down to his ankles. The robe’s velvet had rubbed almost away at the elbows and other places. I’d never asked, but I was pretty certain that the robe wasn’t a reproduction. He’d worn this robe for over a hundred years. It had become a comfort object for him, but I didn’t begrudge it to him; I might be sleeping with a certain toy penguin if I ever got to sleep again.
His red hair was dry and shining over the dark of the robe. Straight hair dried so much faster than curly. He had a small covered tray. The rich scent of coffee was mixed in with other scents. I smelled mainly coffee but was pretty sure there was food underneath the cover. I fought not to frown. I so wasn’t hungry.
“Don’t give me that look,” he said. “You have to eat.”
“I so don’t want food, Damian.”
He walked to the little sliding table/tray by the bed and sat the food on it. He lifted the cover and the perfume of the coffee filled the room. I had to admit it smelled good. The tray was heaped with croissants, various cheeses, and fruit. It looked like enough food for all of us, if Damian could eat solid food. “Coffee, then,” I said.
He shook his head. “Nathaniel is drawing on us to heal himself. If you want him to heal quickly, and with no scar, we need the energy to feed him. You and I will have to eat more so Nathaniel doesn’t drain us.” He put a croissant, a small piece of cheese, and some fruit on a little plate.
I slumped in the chair and fought not to scowl. Nathaniel squeezed my hand. It made me look at him. “I can try to stop taking so much energy from the two of you.”
I shook my head. “No, that’s one of the benefits of the triumvirate.” I made myself sit up straight. “I want you healed as fast as possible. I’ll eat, but I’d really like the coffee first.”
Damian held the plate out to me. “One whole croissant, one piece of cheese, or two pieces of fruit and then you can have the coffee.”
“Yes, Daddy,” I said, frowning as I took the food.
“I could have brought sausage. Protein will help him heal the fastest and give us the most energy. I was nice, bringing something light.”
The thought of meat made me vaguely ill. I took the food he offered a little more gratefully. “Thank you, Damian.”
He frowned at me, almost suspicious. “You’re welcome.”
His expression made me laugh. “Don’t look so suspicious. You’re right and I’m admitting it.”
He smiled, but his green eyes held just a hint of mistrust. “You don’t usually give in this fast.”
I glanced at Nathaniel and then at the food. “I just want everyone well, that’s all.” I picked up a strawberry and took a bite of it. It was juicy and sweet and so ripe that another day would have seen it too ripe. It tasted good enough that I knew I was a lot hungrier than I’d realized. Two strawberries and half a croissant later, I asked, “Can I have the coffee now, please?”
He smiled and handed me the cup. It was actually a big travel mug with penguins on it. The words around the penguins were
Wake up and smell the coffee
. Micah had found it for me on one of his business trips. Everyone who could drink coffee had their travel mugs, or used the generic ones that matched the red and black plates. The kitchen was too far away from some of the rooms, so ways to keep hot things hot were important.
I sipped the coffee, closing my eyes so the smell and taste of it could have their way with me. I’d finally convinced everyone that good coffee was a necessity, not a luxury.
“That’s better,” Damian said. I heard sounds and opened my eyes to find he’d pulled up the room’s second chair. His robe gaped a little, showing a lot of pale naked chest. He had that peaches-and-cream complexion of most redheads, but the complexion hadn’t seen sunlight for hundreds of years. His skin was so white it almost seemed to glow against the dark of the robe.
“I’ve already taken blood again,” he said. “Your job is to eat solid food, since I can’t.”
I nodded, sipping the coffee again, and went back to holding Nathaniel’s hand. Damian reached out and laid a hand on Nathaniel’s leg where it lay under the covers. The moment he touched him, it was as if the circuit completed. Power breathed over us, through us, so the warm rush of Nathaniel, the cool energy of Damian, and my own power that seemed to be a mixture of both just suddenly flooded over us like three different streams of water intermingling until I couldn’t tell where one energy left off and the other began. My shoulder hurt, a lot. The pain was sharp and dull at the same time, and I knew that whatever the doctors had done to fix the wound had cost Nathaniel other pain.
Then it was gone, stopped. My shoulder was just a dull aching memory. I opened my eyes without realizing that I’d closed them. Damian was standing, not touching anyone. His taking his hand away had stopped it.
“You’re our master, Anita; you have to get better at controlling this,” he said from the far side of the room, as he rubbed his shoulder where Nathaniel’s wound would have been.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “It was like all the lights came on at once.”
“I know bad things have happened, Anita. I’m sorry about Haven, and Noel, but you can’t afford to retreat from your psychic abilities like this.”
I stood up, ready to be angry. “I’m doing the best I can.”
“We know that,” Nathaniel said, voice low.
It made me look at him. Just seeing him hurt and lying there was enough to calm the anger. Nothing could be bad today. Nathaniel was alive, and he would heal. That alone made it a really good day.
“I’m sorry, Nathaniel.” I looked at Damian. “I’m sorry, Damian.” I shook my head. “I’m just tired, but I shouldn’t be. We were passed out for hours.”
“Passed out is not the same thing as sleeping, Anita. You’re more than just tired,” Damian said, and came back across the room, though he didn’t try to touch either of us again.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“You need to eat more food and then sleep for a couple of hours.”
I shook my head. “Last I checked we’re trying to stay ahead of some of the most powerful vampires in the world. I don’t have time for a nap.”
“If you push yourself, not only will Nathaniel not heal as well, or as fast, but you’ll begin to drain me, too. You can’t do your usual, Anita. Not eating, not sleeping, just pushing.”
Nathaniel gave a soft laugh.
I glared at him. “What?”
“It’s just I’ve heard this conversation a lot over the last year. You’ll argue, Damian or I will push, and you’ll finally take care of yourself. Can’t you, just this once, give in now?” He closed his eyes, and a look of pain crossed over his face. I remembered the pain I’d felt from that one big connection between us. I sighed and slumped back into the chair. I picked up the plate I’d put on the bedside table. “I’ll finish my food, and then what do you want me to do?”
Damian and Nathaniel exchanged a look. Damian said, “Wow, I’m not used to you giving in this soon; I was just supposed to get you to eat and then ask the doctor what she wanted us to do next. You eat, and I’ll be right back with doctor’s instructions.” He went for the door.
“Am I really that big a pain in the ass?” I asked.
They spoke at the same time. Damian said, “Yes.” Nathaniel said, “You can be.”
“You know, the Vegas tigers should be on the ground by now,” I said.
“They are,” Damian said, “but Jean-Claude filled them in on what’s been happening. They’re calling the other tiger clans to try to get as many to St. Louis as quickly as possible. Get some rest for a couple of hours, before you have to start working with the tigers.”
“What does that mean?” I asked, croissant in hand.
“It means I’ll talk to the doctor and you don’t have to worry about it right now. Eat, help Nathaniel get better, and stop being such a pain in the ass.” With that he left.
I thought of a lot of things to say, but they all sounded petty, so I ate my food and tried not to be a pain in the ass. I think every man in my life, and most of the women, would say it wasn’t one of my best things.
DOCTOR’S ORDERS WERE to curl up next to Nathaniel and share energy with him while we slept. As doctor’s orders went I’d had worse. Micah had lain next to him while I got my shit together. Now it was my turn. We’d have shift changes of lycanthropes sleeping next to the wounded until they were healed. There was something about just the closeness of the beasts’ different energy that sped healing for the shapeshifters. They usually put two shapeshifters per wounded, but we didn’t have enough of them at the Circus to guard the building and put two apiece on Nathaniel
and
Claudia, who was just down the hallway. I’d checked on her, but she’d been deeply asleep. I’d been assured she’d be fine and she already had her bunk buddy, so I did what I was told for a change. I stripped down and cuddled with Nathaniel.
I let myself sink in against his side, one leg over his thigh so my thigh touched just the edge of his groin, not for sex, but because it comforted us both. One arm went around his waist. The rest of me snuggled in against his body until we fit like two puzzle pieces shaped and molded to form the corner of the picture. It was a place to begin, so that the other pieces could fit in around us, and eventually if there were enough pieces the picture would be whole, and everything would be fine.
I drank in the smoothness of his skin, the sweet vanilla scent of him, but under it all was another sweet smell. Sweet copper pennies, blood, meat, his body opened up and hurt. I snuggled lower on his body to bury my face deeper against his skin until all I could smell was his skin, whole and sweet.
Nathaniel fell asleep first, and I lay in the darkened room feeling his body rise and fall under my arm. I listened to his soft breath as it deepened. He usually fell asleep before I did, but I fought sleep so I could feel him beside me just a few minutes longer. I knew how close I’d come to never having him beside me again. The thought made me wrap myself tighter around him, and eventually I slept beside him.
I was back in the living room staring down into Haven’s blue eyes. I raised the gun and started to pull the trigger, but it wasn’t Haven anymore, it was Jason. I had a moment to raise the gun ceilingward and not fire into his blue eyes, and then it was Haven again and he was shooting me.
I came awake gasping, and only Nathaniel’s body beside me let me know it was just a dream, just a dream. I lay there with my pulse thudding on my tongue, chest painful with the beat of my own heart. I heard the door open softly, and my hand went under the pillow automatically for the gun I’d placed there, but it was Nicky, back in human form, and armed. Apparently he’d been on guard outside the door. He closed the door softly behind him and walked toward us. I started to take my hand out from under the pillow and then didn’t. I liked the weight of the gun in my hand while the werelion walked toward me. Nicky was mine in a way that no one else was, mine to the point where there was almost not anything left of who he’d been, but I’d thought Haven had been tamed, too. Be a bitch to be wrong twice in the same day.
He held his hands out to his sides, showing that he was unarmed. Something about how I lay on the bed, or maybe even my hand under the pillow, had let him know I was spooked.
He whispered, “You cried out in your sleep. Are you all right?” He stayed where he was, hands still out.
I let out a breath I hadn’t realized I was holding, and nodded.
“Can I come closer?”
I nodded again and tried to force myself to let go of the gun under the pillow. I circled my hand around it a little more firmly as he moved toward the bed. He smiled down at me and started to reach out to touch my arm.
I whispered, “Don’t.”
He stopped moving, frowning. “What’s wrong?”
“Bad dreams.”
“About me?”
“No.”
“Then why can’t I touch you?” he whispered. It was a good question. I thought about it and finally realized I had to stop being this spooked. I couldn’t function like this. Either I trusted Nicky or I didn’t. We’d never trusted Haven enough to put him on guard duty here, even if he’d have done it. In fact, Nicky was the only werelion we trusted that much. That had to change. Anyone we couldn’t trust had to leave St. Louis. With that decision, a little tension eased.
Then there was the sound of church bells, melodious and sweet, but it would wake Nathaniel. Nicky got my cell phone off my piled clothes and handed it to me without being asked. I’d forgotten to turn off the ringer.
I took the phone from him, forcing myself to let go of the gun so I could prop myself up better. Was it a bad sign that I felt less secure without the gun actually in my hand? I felt Nathaniel shift behind me and knew the phone had woken him. I answered the phone without checking to see who it was, just wanting the noise to stop. “I’m here.” And I knew it was more a snarl than a greeting.
“Blake, is that you?”
I didn’t recognize the man’s voice at first. “It’s me. Who is this?”
“You fuck me and my people over that completely and you don’t remember me. Perfect.”
I had a moment to try and think. The clue was, he said
me and my people
. “Jacob?”
“Yeah.”
Nicky looked down at me with his one eye and his spill of bangs halfway down his face. He was watching more intently now, like a cat that sees movement.
I tried to picture Nicky’s tall ex-Rex. He had blond hair going gray around the edges, but the face and body that went with the hair were still muscular and firm. When you’re a werelion Rex, you have to stay in shape. Besides, all the shapeshifters age slower than normal humans, something about shapeshifting repairing their cell structure. “What do you want?”
“You always this friendly on the phone?” he asked.
“Yeah, when I’ve just been woken up.”
“It’s daylight where you are.” Which implied that where he was, it was night. Since he and his pride were international assassins and kidnappers, among other things, he could have been anywhere in the world.
“I work nights, Jacob. What do you want?”
“Maybe I don’t want anything. Maybe I’ll just hang up and let you take care of your own mess.”
“Jacob, it has been one of my harder days, after an even harder night. Tell me what you called to tell me.”
“I got offered a contract on you and your boyfriends, Blake.”
“What kind of contract?” I asked.
“They didn’t want us to kidnap anyone this time,” he said, voice quiet.
“Assassination,” I said. My voice sounded bored.
“You don’t sound surprised. Did you already know that it was happening?”
“No, I didn’t know.” Nathaniel put an arm around my waist, drawing me more firmly against his side.
“But you aren’t surprised,” he said.
“Let’s just say that my surprise is all used up for a while. I’ll assume that if you were taking the contract you wouldn’t have called.”
“I turned it down. I told the person calling that no one should take it, that if they did you’d find a way to fuck them up.”
“Thanks for that, Jacob, but I take it you don’t think they’ll take your warning to heart.” I tried to feel something about the idea that they’d tried to hire people to kill us, but I didn’t feel anything, not really.
He didn’t answer my question, but asked one of his own. “How’s Nicky?”
I thought about a lot of answers but finally said, “Ask him yourself.” I handed the phone to Nicky, who said, “A little wired, but good.”
He was quiet for a few seconds. “No, really, Jacob, I’m good. I’ve never been this relaxed.” He laughed. “Yeah, I guess you’re always happy when you’re on the drugs, but I don’t come down, Jacob.” He laid his hand on my bare shoulder. The moment he did, I felt a little better, a little warmer. Nathaniel cuddled closer, and it was better still. “All I have to do is touch her and it’s just an upper,” Nicky said.
He handed me the phone. “He wants to talk to you.”
I took it and made room on the bed for him to sit down. The moment I had both of them on either side, it was better. I’d begun to realize that I might be Nicky’s drug of choice, but the men that were connected to me metaphysically were mine, too.
Jacob said, “He sounds happy.”
“I do my best.”
“I buy that, but Blake, it’s too much money. Someone will take it.”
“Thanks for the warning.”
“It’s my fault you got your hooks into Nick. The least I can do is keep him alive.”
“So you called not to help me, but to help Nicky?”
“Yeah, because honestly I’m not sure I didn’t call you because I had to.
You rolled me a little, Blake, and I’m not sure I’m free of you. Did I call you to help Nick, or because at some level you’re my master, too, and I had to protect you? I tried just to not take the job, but I had to call you. I had to warn you, Blake, do you understand?”
“I think so.”
“Do you?” He was angry now.
“You kidnapped me, remember? You threatened to kill the men I love. Don’t go all victim on me, Jacob. You started the bad stuff, not me. I just protected myself and the people I love.”
“I know that, damn you. I know that I’m the bad guy here, but I still hate you, and it still scares me that I couldn’t not call you, couldn’t not warn you as if I were your lion to call, or something worse.”
“If I told you to come to St. Louis and help protect us, would you?”
I heard his breathing on the other end of the phone, fast, hard. “You said
if
; please, Blake . . .” He stopped and I heard his breathing go out in a shaky line. “I know you don’t owe me anything. Even this call, this warning, is probably because I can’t help myself, but please, don’t ask me again. Don’t take the
if
off that question. Don’t make it an outright request, please.”
“We’re looking for a new Rex, Jacob.”
“Not last I checked, Blake. You’ve got a stone-cold killer as your Rex.”
“Not anymore,” I said softly.
Nicky stroked his hand down my arm. Nathaniel hugged me tighter. It all helped, but . . . I still didn’t feel anything.
“Whoever beat him is your new Rex, Blake.”
“My dance card is a little full, Jacob. I don’t think I can add another job.”
“You did not beat him in a fair fight.”
“He cheated first,” I said.
He was quiet for a second or two. “So one dead Rex, but none of his lions won the job?”
“Yep.”
“You do complicate your life, Blake.”
“Things just go weird with the lions; why is that?”
“Our culture is harsher than most.”
“Maybe,” I said, “but we still need a Rex now. You’re a Rex with a pride and no territory of your own. We’re a territory with a pride and no Rex.”
Nicky had gone very still beside me, his hand still on my arm. He was concentrating like hell on the conversation now.
“Don’t ask me, Blake. Please, you don’t owe me this, but . . . don’t ask me.” His voice held pain.
“Do you really believe that if I asked you outright to come here and be our Rex, you couldn’t refuse me?”
“I don’t know, but I do know I don’t want to find out.”
I thought about it, but Jacob and his people were professional bad guys; we didn’t need more killers in St. Louis. “How long ago did they ask you to come kill us?”
He let out a shaking breath, as if he’d been holding his breath waiting for me to ask, or not. “It’s not enough money for me and my people, or anyone close to our talent. That’s what they’ll need to take you and yours out, Blake, but even amateurs get lucky.”
“How long do we have before they hit town?”
“It’s been forty-eight hours, so maybe no time.”
“So you waited two days to warn us? Thanks.”
“I knew you wouldn’t like that. I tried not to warn you. The contract is just on you, your master, and his wolf. I thought maybe Nick wouldn’t get in the line of fire, but I had to warn you. I couldn’t resist the urge to call you.”
“Next time call immediately, okay?”
He swallowed hard enough for me to hear it. “Okay.”
“Give me a number where I’ll always be able to reach you.”
“Don’t do this.”
“You waited forty-eight hours to warn me until the compulsion got too strong. I may not like you, but you and your people are good at your jobs. You’d make good muscle. If your delay makes things worse I’ll call. If your waiting gets us in trouble, I’ll ask you to help us out of it. If it makes no difference, I leave you alone.”
I heard him swallow again. “That’s fair, I guess.” He gave me a number.
“If you cancel the phone and I can’t reach you . . .”
“I don’t know if I could hide from you, Blake. I don’t know if whatever you’ve done to me would let me hide.”
“Then don’t try, Jacob. I’ll play fair as long as I can.”
“What’s that mean?”
“It means some bad shit is going to be hitting the fan soon, and we may need more muscle. I’ll try to leave you and your people out of it, because frankly I may have rolled you but I haven’t even met all your people. I’m not sure I want to bring that many wild cards into my town.”
“I hope you mean that.”
“I don’t usually say things unless I mean them, Jacob.”
“That I do believe,” he said.
“Thanks for the heads-up,” I said.
“Don’t thank me; I’d have let you die if I had a choice.”
“Aw, Jacob, you’ll hurt a girl’s feelings that way. I thought you liked me.”
“I do like you, that’s what scares me.”
“Good-bye, Jacob.”
“Good-bye, Blake.” He hung up.
I lay back against the bed for a minute while Nicky watched me in the dimness and Nathaniel lay quiet at my back. It still felt good to have them touch me, and I still wasn’t afraid, or even worried, and that, of course, was the problem. Too much fear will paralyze you, but too little fear will make you careless. I held Nathaniel’s arm against my body and knew that afraid or not, I’d do whatever it took to keep him safe, to keep the people I cared about safe. I’d said that before; last night felt like I’d proved it.
“What do we do now?” Nicky asked. He’d started petting my arm again.
“We tell the others and we prepare.”
“For what?” Nathaniel asked softly.
“Kill them, before they kill us.” I said it with my voice firm, sure, and devoid of almost any emotion. For once I wasn’t being brave; I sounded like I felt. I wondered how long I would feel numb, and what it would feel like when I stopped. I pushed the thought away, made Nicky move, and reached for my clothes. Assassins were either on their way or already in town. Eventually I’d be afraid, and before that hit I wanted a plan.