AnguiSH (27 page)

             
And when we got on the bed, his side nearly went flat and my side was almost double in height, so much that I tumbled into him.  I thought maybe he’d move to leave or sleep on the couch.  But instead he grabbed me, now a whisper of a being next to his built stature and pulled me on top of him. 

             
“Much better,” he breathed into my ear and there, on top of him, my face tucked into the curve of his neck, I fell into a deep slumber. 

             
I woke the next morning alone in my bed, with the smells of eggs and bacon clinging in the air.  I looked around briefly, his jeans were missing but his shirt was still atop my dresser.  I breathed a sigh of relief at the sight of it.  I didn’t know if all this time I’d been this desperate for him and just not let myself feel it, or the desperation had surfaced when he came back.  Either way, I needed his proximity like I’ve never needed anything in my life. 

             
I went to the bathroom, brushed my teeth and went through my morning routine and then threw on my hoodie on top of my cami.  I turned the corner from the hallway into the kitchen as he skimmed the scrambled eggs from the pan onto two plates. 

             
And then I made the grave mistake of moving my stare from the pan to his arm, his tan arm, chiseled and etched like a statue.  The muscles rolled and moved together as he moved around the kitchen, still not aware that I’d entered.  He side-stepped down the counter and hunched over the sink to wash the dishes he’d used and I laughed to myself because I’d become content with who Breaker was physically.  And I was completely in love with who he was.  But the gasping, lung seizing, toe curling reaction that I’d always wanted to have for the man I wanted was consuming me at that moment.  His shoulder blades were chugging up and down as he took care of the mess in the sink.  His pants hung right at his hips, showing a sliver of burgundy boxers.  I wanted to press my face against his back as he worked, just to experience the motion of the muscles for myself. 

             
He put the dishes in the drain and when he went to pick up the prepared plates, he saw me.

             
“Oh come on.  I was being so quiet.  I wanted to surprise you.”

             
“You—here—is surprise enough.  But who taught you how to cook?  I gotta know.”

             
He was directly in front of me now.  His chest was at my eye level and I half expected him to pop his pecs like the Rock.  I leaned my forehead against his chest, just content with having him here.  His hands ran vertical paths up and down my back.

             
“Navy.  She came to the house and told me that I’d never get you back unless I could cook breakfast.  She said something about every man needing to know how to cook a woman breakfast or something.”

             
I reached out and grabbed his lower waist right where his pants hitched on his hips.  “Did you tell her there was no getting me back?  Did you tell her that you’ve had me all this time?”

             
“No, I wasn’t gonna argue with her.  She was teaching me something valuable.  I just went along with it.  Come on, let’s eat.”  We sat at my table, which was tiny to begin with but now with Breaker sitting across from me, it looked even scrawnier. 

             
“Do you have class today?  I don’t want to mess up your schedule.”

             
“No, I don’t have class today.  I do have to go to work at ten though.”

             
“Oh, speaking of work,” He jumped out of the chair and reached for his back pocket and pulled out a piece of paper and handed it to me.  I unfolded it to find a check made out to me from Anya Collins in the same exact amount that I’d returned to her over two and a half months ago.  It was enough that I wouldn’t have to work for the rest of the semester. 

             
I shook my head at him and pushed the check his way, “I gave this back to her.  I didn’t feel right taking the money.  I did what I did because I loved you, not for the money.”

             
He knelt down beside my chair, taking my hands in his, “I know that.  But you also kept that house spotless and helped me transform the back yard.  You did your job and you deserve to be paid for it.  Anyway, I’m kinda being selfish again.  If you don’t have to work, then I get to spend all that time with you.  There’s so many things I want to do with you Ash—so many things I want to experience with you.”

             
“I’d love to start over with you.”  It was exhilarating, the thought of dating and having a relationship like other people. 

             
“No baby, not starting over.  That would mean forgetting everything we’ve been through.  And I won’t let that happen—to me or to you.  But maybe we can take what we’ve learned and get somewhere new.”

             
I fought the tears in my eyes, his demeanor had changed but he was still my Breaker.

             
“Where do you suggest we start?”

             
“I suggest you go change since you just look absolutely adorable in that hoodie but those shorts are doing nothing to help my resolve not to just devour you.  So get ready and there’s something pretty big I want to show you.”

             
I stood up, “Hmmm, something big, huh?” I said as I walked away.

             
“Don’t start that, Cormier,” he laughed.

             
I went into my room, took the fastest shower known to man, and then threw on some black shorts, a white fitted t-shirt and some flops.  I combed through my hair and left it down.  I put on a little mascara and some pineapple lip gloss and then headed out.  The check got stuffed into my purse for depositing at the bank and after a good ogling from Breaker, we headed out. 

             
I feigned distress at the sight of his infamous motorcycle, “Oh, the Harley, should I bow or kneel or do I have to say some secret chant before I get on?  I mean, I don’t feel worthy.”

             
“Oh give me a break, Ash.  You know you’ve been waiting for me to cause a rumble between your legs.  Here’s your chance.”

             
I pointed my finger at him, “Hey!  Stop with the pervy nuances.  If I can’t do it, then you can’t do it.”

             
He slunk behind me and whispered, “See what you did there.  If I were a smart ass pervert, I would say, it’s fine baby, we can do it together.  But I’m not, so get your pretty ass on the bike, so I can thoroughly convince you.”

             
My throat had grown dry, “Convince me of what?”

             
“Convince you that I’m different.”

             
He climbed on the bike first, followed by me behind him.  I snaked my arms around his waist and after putting my helmet on, I scooted as close to him as I could get, because I wanted to and because I was scared of his bike.

             
After a fifteen minute ride, we pulled up to a cottage like house, painted gray with a huge wraparound porch and a red door.  He stopped the bike and put the kickstand down and after getting off, helped me. 

             
“I bought this house last month but I wanted to do some renovating before you saw it.  If it’s too much, you don’t have to see it.  I’m just proud of it.”

             
He must’ve seen my hesitation.  I didn’t mean for it to be plastered to my face so obviously, but to a house was probably the last place I ever wanted to go with Breaker.  But he looked so damned inflated about whatever this house meant to him.

             
“If you’re proud of it, then I have to see.”

             
He led me by the hand into a home which was open and airy, every room, cedar floored and open, painted white or some variant of white.  It was as if he decorated the whole home to be the exact opposite of the prison he used to live in.  I didn’t say anything as he and I took a silent tour.  But it didn’t escape my notice that from a clean perspective, it was spotless. 

             
He stopped through the kitchen and faced me, “Close your eyes.”

             
“Close my eyes?” 

             
“Trust me baby, close your eyes.”

             
I squeezed my lids shut while he took my hands.  He brought me outside and then I heard a door open and he told me to take one step up.  The smell of flowers flourished in my nostrils, too many to narrow down one single type of flower.

             
“Open your eyes, Ash.”

             
My eyelids fluttered, adjusting to the light difference.  As I began to take in everything around me, I grabbed his shirt for support. I damn near lost my footing at the place he’d brought me.

             
“Come on Ash.  Say something.  I wouldn’t ever fathom buying a house without a greenhouse.  I love that you love my flowers and plants.  It’s where we first kissed.  It’s a place that reminds me of—well—me, the before me.  Jesus, I brought you here too soon.”

             
The lump in my throat was so large, it was painful.  Like a rounded, polished stone bobbing in my gullet. 

             
I turned around and took it all in.  There were roses covering the span of one wall in every hue and shade.   And on the opposite wall, shelves, with such a myriad of orchids that I imagined the top botanists of the world would be green with envy. 

             
Finally able to swallow again, I faced him, “Something doesn’t feel right.  It feels—off.”

             
He squirmed under my criticism but I could only let him for a few moments without easing his pain, “I know what it is.”

             
“What?”

             
“You haven’t kissed me in this one.  It’s not the same.”

             
The guilt washed over me for making him second guess this amazing place, so I tried my best to fix it.  I grabbed two fistfuls of the top of his shirt and pulled him down to me.  Our lips touched gently, the simplest of tender pleasures first.  His hands soon found my waist and when he lifted me up to meet his height, he unlocked a fury.  My legs knew what to do, they wrapped around his torso and I laughed into his mouth, my feet no longer able to lock completely around him anymore.

             
“What’s so funny,” he asked as he tasted the skin beneath my ear. 

             
“You’re not skinny anymore.  It’s like making out with a non green, non-growling Hulk.”

             
He thumped his forehead against mine, exasperated with me.  “I’ll take it.”

             
Breaker

Knowing that she loved my home was one thing, but I knew in the back of my head this didn’t prove I was any better.  And whether she would admit it or not, she wouldn’t be truly happy to see me until I could show her. 

             
“What do you want to do today?  Anything.”

             
“I wanna go home,” she said, smiling. 
Why in the hell was she smiling about going home?

             
She pulled me closer with her fingers hooked in the pocket of my jeans.

             
I took her home, half reluctant and half anxious.  She ran up the stairs and turned back once to wave at me.  I had four hours before I picked her up and she strongly suggested I come back in the car she saw parked in the driveway of my house. 

             
I went home and made reservations at Stroube’s and went for a quick workout at the always open gym just to chill myself out.  After going back home to shower and get dressed, I went to get her.  I dressed in jeans and a gray button down shirt.  I ‘d never been so nervous in all my life.