Angels at War (23 page)

‘It does no good to brood on the past,’ she announced, a determined, if false brightness in her tone. ‘We must put all of that business behind us now. What’s done is done.’

‘If you say so.’

‘Jack is a good man, and I love him.’

Matthew’s voice was low, seeming to thrum softly inside her. ‘So you keep telling me. Is it me you’re trying to convince, or yourself?’

Livia could not look at him. She couldn’t allow him to see how much she needed him, how he was a part of her very soul. Even now she longed to fall into his arms and beg his forgiveness for rejecting him. If only she hadn’t been so obstinate, so fearful of hurting Jack. In the end she’d succeeded in hurting everyone, herself most of all.

She cleared her throat. ‘I can’t help you with the store. It may not have crossed your mind but I happen to have a few plans of my own. I’ve finished my first aid course and volunteered for the Voluntary Aid Detachment. I’m not sure yet where I will be posted, but it could be anywhere: a military hospital somewhere in England, or even in France.’

He looked appalled. ‘Not at the front, surely?’

Livia pulled a wry face. ‘Women are not allowed at the front because of the dangers and the terrible sights they might see. Although it is perfectly all right for them to be bombed at home and see horrific injuries there.’

He smiled at her. ‘As feisty as ever, I see. Well, good for you, Livvy. You have my full and
unstinting admiration. I can see that such a job would suit you perfectly. I’m sorry you won’t be able to take over here, but I’m sure Miss Caraway will manage perfectly well on her own.’

‘Let Mrs Dee assist her. She has a shrewd head on her shoulders, and is more compassionate with the girls.’ Livia made a move towards the door. The matter had been settled and she was anxious to get out of this stifling room before she made a complete fool of herself.

‘I’ll do that.’

She expected him to step back and open the door for her, but he continued to block her exit, standing with his hands in his pockets, his favourite stance, just looking at her. He was silent for a long moment, time enough for Livia to notice that the fan of tired lines about his eyes had got no better, worse if anything. Had she done that to him? Had she made him even more sad and lonely than before? Matthew already felt he’d lost a sister, now he’d lost her too. The sadness in his smile brought an ache to her heart.

‘We are to go our separate ways, then,’ he said.

‘It would seem so.’ The pain in her heart must surely destroy her.

‘You will write. A Tommy at the front needs to know his friends are thinking of him.’

‘Of course!’ Her tone softened slightly. Letting
him back into her life was not a good idea, yet how could she refuse such a request? Then just as Livia thought she might thoroughly disgrace herself by bursting into floods of tears, he put his arms about her and drew her close to press a kiss upon her brow.

‘May I see you one last time before I leave? Dinner perhaps? Tomorrow night?’

She looked up into his beloved face and knew she should refuse. Dinner alone would not be wise. ‘Pick me up at seven,’ she said.

He took her to a quiet little restaurant in
Bowness-on
-Windermere, where they could look out over the lake and watch the rowing boats gently rock at anchor. A steamer was filling up with passengers, about to set out on an evening cruise around Belle Isle. The air was warm and languid and Livia could hear music playing on deck. It seemed odd to imagine that anyone could be celebrating and having fun when men were fighting and dying. Yet here she was dining out with another man when her own husband was at the front.

‘I thought you might prefer to be some distance from the store, and from Kendal.’

‘And any likelihood of people I know seeing us together and starting to gossip about us having an affair.’

‘Are we having an affair, Livvy?’

‘Don’t be foolish. I’m a married woman.’

‘I really must remember that.’ He gave her that enigmatic smile of his, and then the waiter arrived, offering fervent apologies for what was not on the menu, thanks to the difficulties in getting supplies. They ordered locally caught trout, and a bottle of Muscadet. After only a couple of sips Livia felt herself start to relax. Where was the harm in an evening out with an old friend and work colleague? There would be no more such treats for a very long time.

‘Are you happy, Livvy?’

‘How can anybody be happy when there’s a war on?’ she said, surprised and slightly discomfited by the question.

‘I need to know that you’re happy,’ he told her with heartbreaking honesty. ‘When I’m out there – in France – I want to think of you as content, to feel that you made the right decisions. I don’t ever want to see you stuck in an unhappy marriage with a drunken, unfaithful husband.’

Her head snapped up. ‘Jack has stopped drinking, and he has never been unfaithful to me. Jack needs me. That’s why—’

‘Why you married him? I believe you said as much at the time. But is need the same as love, Livvy? And do you have any proof of his faithfulness?’

‘Do you have any proof to the contrary?’ Livia was outraged by this calumny. They’d hardly been seated five minutes and already he was insulting her husband.

Matthew frowned, realising he’d offended her with his slip. He hadn’t meant to mention it, but couldn’t help thinking of the gossip he’d heard that filtered up through the chain of command in the store. How Jack Flint was known to entertain shop girls in the Wheatsheaf, and had even been seen entering the staff apartment building quite late of an evening, when he presumably believed himself to be unobserved. It didn’t take a genius to work out a reason why he might be there at that time. Particularly since a certain young woman had been going around with a
self-satisfied
smile on her face until quite recently. The shop girls were bubbling with it.

But while he might give the scandal credence, voicing those opinions to Livia were another matter. ‘Would you believe me if I said that I did?’

Livia glanced at him sharply and was suddenly filled with uncertainty. Was that the root cause of the recent problems between them? Was she missing something? Could Jack possibly be seeing another woman? She instantly dismissed the idea. No, it was quite impossible. Everyone knew that he was potty about her. Jack
absolutely adored her and would never even look at another woman. Hadn’t that been one of the reasons why she had felt so obliged to marry him, out of loyalty for his unwavering devotion and the years they’d spent together, and for the sake of their unborn child? She shook her head firmly. ‘No, I would treat such evidence as total fiction. I’d think it was only a ploy on your part to lure me into your bed.’

The waiter chose that precise moment to present them with their soup, and Matthew chuckled delightedly. ‘How very astute you are,’ he whispered as the man hurried away, feigning deafness.

But Livia couldn’t let the subject drop, and the moment the meal was over she asked the question that had continued to bother her all evening. ‘Why did you accuse Jack of being unfaithful? Was it really so that you could seduce me? Or have you heard something? What is this proof you mentioned?’

‘None, none at all,’ he blustered. ‘It was, as you say, a foolish male trick to win fair maiden.’

But Livia was quick to notice that he avoided meeting her gaze, that he hastily started telling her of the changes in fashion that were already taking place at Angel’s Department Store. ‘Sad to say, that for all we featured those prettily coloured gowns at the fashion show, black is
already the most asked-for colour.’ He sighed. ‘Such is war. I hate to make profits out of widows so we have cut our prices of mourning wear to the bone.’

She didn’t join him in this new line of small talk. ‘I thought you were my friend, Matthew. If you know something bad about Jack, something that isn’t just silly shop girl gossip, then I’d rather you told me. I’d rather know than not.’

‘Why don’t we go to the steamboat for a nightcap? I have a delicious Madeira wine for you to try.’

But Livia shook her head. She could not trust herself to be alone with him in such a vulnerable situation. ‘Tell me the truth, please.’

He looked at her then, and with sinking heart she saw the pity in his eyes. He drew a breath and recaptured her hand upon his arm, then asked quite casually, ‘Have you spoken to your half-sister recently? Mercy has been very low since Jack left.’

‘I dare say she must be feeling bad, too. Mercy and Jack are old friends, they go way back—’ Livia stopped, to stare at him in horror. ‘Oh no, you can’t be serious? Not Mercy? Not my own sister with my husband?’

He gave her hand a comforting squeeze. ‘I’m sure it is as you say, nothing more than silly shop girl gossip.’

‘Then why mention it?’ Fury was rushing through her veins, hot and fierce. She refused to believe it. Mercy would never do such a thing, not after the way they’d grown so close in prison. But then Livia recalled how that brief warming of relations between them had quickly cooled. Was this the reason? But
Mercy
with
Jack
? ‘You still haven’t shown me any proof. Have you seen them together?’

Matthew was mentally kicking himself for ever having started along this road. That first careless remark had led him into a mire from which he couldn’t seem to extricate himself. Admittedly he didn’t care for Jack Flint, didn’t think him good enough for Livvy. But although he freely admitted that he wanted her for himself, he’d not intended using underhand methods. Now he’d managed to offend her. He sighed, giving up all hope of a tête-à-tête later in his steam yacht. ‘I saw him enter the premises where she lives.’

‘So what does that prove, except that they are friends? Mercy has looked upon Jack as some sort of honorary brother for as long as I’ve known them.’

‘I’m sure you are right and I am wrong.’

Livia glared at him in cold fury, hating the fact that he was agreeing with her now. ‘Take me home. At once! I refuse to listen to tittle-tattle.’

‘As you wish, Livia. If I was wrong to tell you, then I’m sorry. Like I say, I just want you to be happy. Would that I could be the man to make you so.’

Livia woke before dawn the next morning with but one thing on her mind. She must speak to Mercy. Difficult as this half-sister of hers might be, not for a moment did she believe her capable of such scandalous behaviour. Nor would she believe it of Jack. Livia didn’t ask herself why it mattered so much. She and Jack hadn’t been getting along well in ages, and yes, it was another man who held her heart, but she still cared about him. He was her husband, and the thought that he hadn’t loved her, after all, was too dreadful to contemplate.

Livia didn’t linger in her bed. She had planned to spend the morning assembling and checking her kit as she expected to receive her posting any day now. Instead, without even pausing for a morning cup of tea, she walked into town determined to catch Mercy before she started work. The girl had just come out of breakfast when Livia accosted her on the stairs.

‘Can we have a word?’ Livia thought her cheeks paled slightly, but it might simply be the dim light in this part of the building.

‘I’ve got to report to work. You know what the old dragon is like if you’re late.’

‘It won’t take a moment. We’ll step outside, shall we? Find a bit of privacy.’

Livia led the way down the stairs and out into the yard at the back of the store. It was quiet at this time of day, most deliveries arriving later. She thought of a time years ago when a much younger Mercy must have come in through this very door seeking a father who was a stranger to her, hoping he would save her from certain starvation by at least offering her a job. Instead he’d had her incarcerated in the workhouse. Livia understood the source of the girl’s bitterness, realised she’d hated Joshua Angel from that day forward, for his treatment of herself, his illegitimate daughter, as well as his callous neglect of her dying mother. And she’d found many ways of taking revenge on Ella and Livia, even though they too were victims of Joshua’s cruelty. Yet it was hard to imagine she would sink to such depths.

Livia wasted no time in coming straight to the point. ‘I’ve been hearing some unpleasant gossip about you, Mercy. I thought you should know of it.’

‘Oh?’ The younger girl met Livia’s enquiring smile with defiance in her stance. She stood, arms folded, head on one side, foot tapping impatiently on the stone flags, and cool indifference on her face.

‘Do you know what I’m talking about?’

Mercy rolled her eyes. ‘I haven’t the faintest idea. I don’t listen to gossip. I like to keep meself to meself.’

‘I’m sure that you do, but …’ Now that she was face to face with the girl, Livia was feeling increasingly uncomfortable. Her manner was neither forthcoming nor friendly. ‘But on this occasion you are the subject of it. Can you think why that might be?’

‘Why don’t you tell me. You’re clearly dying to do so,’ Mercy sneered.

Livia took a breath, striving to sound dismissive and unconcerned, as if it were of no account. ‘Well, I’m sure there can be nothing in it, and I for one don’t believe a word of it, but a tale is going around that you … that you are having some sort of fling with my husband.’

Mercy blinked, then widened her eyes, a picture of innocence. ‘What, me and Jack?’

Livia smiled on a sigh of relief. ‘I knew it was all nonsense. I gave absolutely no credence to it. I blame those silly shop girls, proper gossips they are.’

‘Credence. Fling. You’re as bad as Ella, you, for using fancy words. Why don’t you use the right ones?’ Mercy laughed, her face contorted with venom. ‘Aren’t you supposed to be a “modern” woman who likes to call a spade a
spade. We’re having an
affair
. Isn’t that a nicer word? Much sexier. I’m
sleeping
with your husband. Oh, didn’t you know? Didn’t he bother to tell you? But I assure you that it’s much, much more than a torrid fling. He loves me. Me! Not you, you silly cow.’

By the time she’d run out of breath, Livia felt as if all the life had drained from her body. She was struck dumb, speechless in the face of this blunt speech. They’d made a fool of her, both of them. Jack had pushed her into marrying him because he’d wanted a family, and had now betrayed her, with her own half-sister of all people, when she’d failed to provide one for him.

‘It’s your fault for neglecting him,’ Mercy spat out her contempt. ‘He’s a man who needs a wife, and the comfort of coming first in her life, not a woman who ditches him in favour of her
so-called
career and worthy projects.’

‘Oh, Mercy, I’ve devoted my life to Jack these last two years. I’ve tried to make up for my neglect of him, for losing our child, I have really.’

‘It’s not enough, and it’s too late. What have you ever done for Jack? You’ve been a hopeless wife. You don’t even love him, not properly. I know where your heart lies and it isn’t with your husband. It hasn’t for some long while. I’m the one who really loves him, and he loves me. So go
on, what are you going to do about it? Tell me that, why don’t you?’

Livia looked at the other girl, humbled into silence. After several long moments in which she searched her mind for some sort of defence to offer and found none, Livia took a deep breath and resolutely stiffened her spine.

‘Whatever you might think of me, Mercy, I never meant to hurt him. I did love Jack once, and I do still care about him. But you are probably correct when you say I’ve been a hopeless wife.’ Livia felt utterly wretched having to admit this, her throat thick with unshed tears. ‘I had hoped, you see, that we’d work things out, get back to the way we once were. But I can see now that was just a pipe dream. Too much has happened, too much pain, too many mistakes. Thank you, Mercy, for at least being honest with me and admitting it. At least I know the truth now. I hope you mean it when you say you love him.’

‘I always have,’ Mercy said, surprised and somewhat chastened by Livia’s reaction.

‘Then I hope you’ll be good to him. He deserves some happiness. When this war is over, you must marry and give him lots of children. That’s what he wants more than anything, and I couldn’t even give him one.’ Tears slid down her cheeks and Livia rubbed them away with the
flat of her hand. ‘Now I must let you get back to work. I, too, have preparations to make. I’ve joined the VADs, and expect to receive my posting any day now.’

Livia walked away in a daze of pain before Mercy had time to say anything further. The conversation hadn’t gone at all as she’d planned or expected. Mercy hadn’t laughed off the gossip as complete nonsense but frankly admitted that it was all true. Her words had struck home hard and Livia felt betrayed and used. Yet a part of her was also happy for Jack, that he’d found some sort of happiness at last.

She passed through the big mahogany doors into the main part of the store without noticing the nods and smiles of the staff, let alone responding to them. She was half aware of Mrs Dee starting to approach her, and then seeming to think better of it and melting away again.

Livia felt as if she’d lost everything. She’d forfeited all hope of happiness with the man she really loved for the sake of the child she’d later lost, and for Jack’s alleged love and need of her, which she’d lost too. As for her long-held dream of a career at the store, she’d abandoned that in a vain effort to salvage a failing marriage. She’d become involved with the WSPU because she’d failed to save her darling Maggie from a despair that had robbed her of life, yet they hadn’t
been granted the franchise, despite what they’d endured in prison. It seemed that her best efforts had failed in every direction, her many sacrifices all for nothing.