Read An-Ya and Her Diary Online
Authors: Diane René Christian
An-Ya and Her Diary
Copyright © 2012 Diane René Christian
All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner.
Cover Design by Streetlight Graphics
Shoofly Press
ISBN: 1484055179
ISBN 13: 9781484055175
eBook ISBN: 978-1-62110-188-8
An-Ya
and Her Diary
A NOVEL BY
Diane René Christian
For my daughters
Contents
My pen is finally touching your pages. It is time to tell our story. Our story began in China and now it continues in America. I want to write about our old life and I want to write about our life now. I will write it all down with hopes that somehow I can connect the two worlds that I have lived in. Right now those worlds seem so far apart. I don’t know if it is possible for my world to ever feel whole, without a crack down the middle…but it is time to try.
Dear Diary
,
All that She left inside the box was a blank book and a name. You are the book, and I am the name…An-Ya. As you know, my name is printed on your first page. Did She write it? What did She look like as She stood over you with Her pen? Were there tears in Her eyes? Why were you left empty inside?
I wish you could speak to me. You have too many secrets. You remember Her putting us in the box. You remember how far She carried us. As we lay beneath the red gate, did we stare into the sun or stars? Did I cry? Did She cry?
Why can’t you answer me? I don’t like that about you. These are my secrets to share and not yours to keep inside these blank pages. It is not fair. It’s not fair at all.
You and She are a lot alike. All mysteries and no answers. She made a terrible decision leaving you empty, because it left me empty too.
Dear Diary
,
You and I have been together all of my life. We waited together. In China I waited for Her to come back. If a stranger entered the orphanage, I was sure it was Her. Or maybe She was sick, or maybe She died, and He would come. I studied every person that came in. I knew They were coming back. I was so sure. But They didn’t come. We watched baby after baby find their home before us. Everyone wanted the babies. I kept growing and growing, and every day I was less special than the day before. People loved the babies. I never stopped hoping for Them to return for me. But nobody wanted me there, not even Them. I should have stopped hoping. It would have been easier that way.
Instead of Them, strangers, who look nothing like me, came from the other side of the world. They came to take me away from China forever. If She returned, then I would be gone. Maybe I was happy to know that someone wanted me. Maybe I was sad that I would be lost to Them forever. Maybe I was angry that it didn’t matter what I thought because other people decided for me. Maybe I felt all of these things and so much more.
We flew to the other side of the world, and I never stopped holding you close to my chest. You were empty and so was I. My only friend in the world. The only one who understood where I began and where I was going. We flew together and everything we knew before was gone.
Dear Diary
,
I have a new mother and a father. I call my father Daddy. I call my mother Wanna. I call her that in secret because she
Wanna
be my mommy. She can’t. They mean nothing to me. I know their names, I know how many papers they signed to make me their daughter, but those papers mean nothing. I don’t have anything else to say about them right now.
Dear Diary
,
I have a sister now. Her name is Ellie. She was adopted from China as a baby, and now she is 3 years old. She was one of the special babies that left the orphanage over and over. Actually, she is not that special. She doesn’t remember anything about China. She makes up fake stories and thinks that they are real. She forgot China. I didn’t forget. I remember my life in China. My new parents think that she is wonderful. I don’t care what they think, because they will never know how special I am. I will never share my life with them and I will only tell you. Only you will understand the whole story. I will fill your emptiness and that will be enough.
Dear Diary
,
I gained a family and I lost a family. Forever. They never came and I was taken to America. I wanted to go back. I hated everything about my new life. Nobody looked like me, the food tasted awful, and worst of all was the night. I had never slept alone before, except maybe during my time in the box. I don’t know how long I was in the box before I was found. But after that, I never slept alone. I was always surrounded by rows of sleeping children waiting just like me. I was used to the sounds of crying, coughing, snoring, and sneezing. It was my night music in the orphanage. America was too quiet.