“I was the only one who made it across and for years I asked myself, ‘Why me?’” Sara’s voice broke. “Of course, I knew why. It was because of the baby. God did one good thing during those horrible years.” Her tone was bitter. Then she gave a resigned sigh.
“I shouldn’t blame God for people’s evil ways. Anyway, we were walking through one of the forests. It was late evening. We didn’t dare to cross at night for fear of getting lost. At one point, we stopped and Joshua and Judith looked at the map they gave us. I stepped aside because I needed to go into the bushes. I was six months pregnant with Eva and the baby pressed on my bladder.” Sara smiled at Eva through tear-filled eyes.
“Oh, Mom. Don’t be sad.” Eva had tears in her eyes, too, and gave Jonas an imploring look.
“Please, you really don’t have to talk about it,” he said. “I shouldn’t have asked.”
“No, no. It’s all right,” Sara said. “Anyway, I was just about to go back to Joshua and Judith when I heard them. Two kinds of voices calling to my husband and my sister to stop. I was paralyzed with fear. I peeked at them from behind the trees. It was two young men, a soldier and the other one wearing the uniform of the border police. I wanted to rush to help my people but I knew I couldn’t do it. If we were sent back, I would not only risk my life but my child’s life as well. So I stayed and watched, my knees and my whole body trembling.
“The policeman yelled at Judith and Joshua, asking them for their identification. Joshua handed over his passport. I almost fainted. I didn’t realize he had it with him. He shouldn’t have taken it along but I guess he forgot. All the Jews had to carry their passport in Germany. I knew right then, they were lost. The passport had the Jewish stamp in it, the
J
that identified them.
“What happened next shocked me so much, I can never forget it,” Sara said. “The guy from the border police stared at Joshua and Judith and berated them. ‘Go back to where you came from. We have enough of you dirty Jews already,’ he yelled at them.
“I was familiar with the anti-Semitism in Germany,” Sara continued. “I just didn’t expect to find people like that in Switzerland.”
Jonas’s mouth felt dry. He cleared his throat. “What happened next?”
“The soldier tried to appease the policeman. Then they started to argue. The border policeman pulled a gun and pointed it at Joshua and Judith. He asked them to turn around and forced them to walk back toward the border.
“When I realized that he would lead them back into Germany and hand them over to the German authorities, I almost collapsed,” Sara continued. “I was just about to jump up and run after them when I felt a powerful kick in my abdomen.” Sara gave a quick sad smile. “My baby stopped me from doing so and saved both our lives.”
“Did you . . . what happened to your family?” Jonas managed to say, his voice stuck in his throat.
Sara shook her head. “I never heard from them again.” Her voice dropped to a whisper. “After the war, I found out that they both died in the concentration camp in Dachau.”
Sara faced Jonas. “Later, I read that the Swiss authorities collaborated with the Germans to mark the Jewish passports with a red
J
so they would be able to tell Jewish people apart from other refugees. I guess it was in part to appease the Germans, so they wouldn’t invade the country. But they did this although they knew that people were murdered by the Nazis if they were sent back.
“It took me a long time to forgive Switzerland for this. It was the many Swiss citizens and even some soldiers who helped us anyway and risked being punished.” Sara put her hand on Kurt’s hand and the two gazed at each other for a moment.
Jonas swallowed and looked at Eva’s stepfather. “You mean . . . you were . . . ?”
Kurt smiled and nodded. “Yes, I was that soldier.”
“When Judith and Joshua were taken away, I fell to the ground and was shaking so hard I was afraid I was going to have a miscarriage,” Sara continued. “I pressed my face to the ground and cried, trying not to make any noise. I knew the soldier was still around somewhere.
“All of a sudden, I heard a voice right next to me. ‘Fräulein,’ someone whispered. When I looked up, there he was. ‘What are you doing here? Don’t you know you’re not supposed to . . . Are you with them?’ he asked, and stared at me shocked.
“By then, I didn’t care anymore what would happen to me. I told him everything. He didn’t say anything. He bent down and helped me up. He walked me out of the forest. By then, it was almost dark and I had no idea where he took me. I thought I’d end up in some Swiss jail.
“As it turned out, Kurt had relatives at a farm nearby. He took me to his aunt and uncle. I stayed with them through the rest of the war. I had my baby there. They were wonderful people. They made me almost forget that ugly man at the border.”
Jonas stared at his hands, then lifted his head. He was tortured by a dreadful suspicion. His voice sounded labored. “Do you by any chance know the name of that border policeman?”
Sara looked at Jonas surprised, then nodded. “Yes, actually I do. It was a coincidence. When Kurt tried to shut him up when he was insulting us, he called him ‘Werner.’ I remember because I had an uncle by the same name.”
Jonas felt a jolt in his stomach. His heart pounded against his ribs, his ears were ringing. He was trying to think back to what his uncle had told him. He knew he had been with the border police during the war and that he had been stationed near Schaffhausen, but then again
Werner
was a common name. It could’ve been someone else. But what if . . . what if it had been Uncle Werner, his own flesh and blood, who had caused the death of Sara’s family, of Eva’s real father? And even if it hadn’t been him at that time, how many other Jewish people had perhaps been murdered because of him?
Someone shook his arm. “Jonas, what’s the matter with you? Why are you so pale?” Eva looked at him concerned.
Jonas shook his head and forced a smile. “Nothing,” he lied. “It’s just such a sad story.”
Sara nodded. “The rest of it is happier, though.” She touched Kurt’s hand again. “While I lived with Kurt’s family, Kurt came to visit as often as he was able to. Fortunately, he was stationed at the border nearby. He also kept us informed about the war. I still remember the day he told us that Germany had capitulated and that the war was over. It was one of the happiest days in my life.” Sara brushed a strand of hair out of her face. She looked sad again.
“I was still hoping that Joshua and Judith were alive somewhere. Kurt helped me investigate. Of course, my hopes were crushed. They had become the victims of the Nazis’ last desperate purge, the last attempt to rid the world of Jews.”
Sara’s voice had become hard and bitter again. “I was desperate. I didn’t feel like living anymore. I hated the Germans for killing my family; I hated the Swiss for not preventing it.”
There was a moment of silence. Jonas stared out the window, but hardly noticed the few remaining yellow autumn leaves on the trees. He felt miserable and guilty, guilty for the fact that a member of his own family may have been responsible for the tragedy.
“But I couldn’t go on hating. It wasn’t in my nature.” Sara’s face had softened again. “And so many people here had been so kind and helpful to me and after all, it wasn’t their fault. And whenever I saw my little baby’s smile, my heart opened up again.” Sara looked at Jonas with her clear blue eyes, Eva’s eyes.
“I grieved for a long time for my family, but eventually, slowly, I became a little happier again. And then, there was Kurt.” Sara smiled.
Kurt cleared his throat. “I was in love with Sara for a long time. But of course I knew she was still grieving for her husband and I didn’t have much hope that she would return my feelings. And I was a little scared, too. I was still in the middle of my education and I didn’t know if I was ready to take on the responsibility of being a father.” He laughed out loud. “But little Eva was so cute; how could I resist?”
They all laughed. Eva smiled at Jonas. His heart warmed and for the first time since Sara had begun to tell her story, Jonas was able to relax a little.
“Anyway,” Sara said with a wistful smile. “We fell in love and the sad story had a happy ending after all. And I’m sorry to go on and on with my sad tale and make our guest feel uncomfortable.”
“Oh, don’t apologize,” Jonas said. He hesitated, then turned to Kurt. “I take it you don’t know what happened to that guy from the border police? Did you know him at all?”
Kurt shook his head. “No, we just happened to be on duty together that same day. I’ve no idea what became of him. We weren’t exactly friends, if you know what I mean. Why do you ask?”
“No particular reason,” Jonas lied. He took a deep breath and pushed the suspicion of his uncle’s involvement in this tragedy aside.
It must be a coincidence, nothing more
.
Chapter 34
“Did you ever find out the truth?” Anna peered at Jonas after he had finished telling her the story of his uncle.
Jonas shook his head. “No.” He wrinkled his forehead and gave Anna a quick glance, then stared back at the fire. Dusk was settling around them. A breeze rekindled the flames in the outdoor fireplace, flashing an intermittent pattern of light and shadows across his face. “I guess I didn’t really want to know.”
“Why not? Perhaps, it was a coincidence and your uncle wasn’t involved? And even if he was, it wasn’t your fault. You were a little kid when this happened.”
Jonas shrugged. “I was just afraid and I didn’t really want to know the truth. If I knew it had been him, I would’ve had to tell Eva. As long as it was just a suspicion, I could treat it as such. I was afraid that if I told Eva and her family, something would change between us. They would think less of me and my family. Perhaps . . . perhaps I would even lose Eva.”
“So you never told her? You lived your whole life with that uncertainty? That seems to me much worse than knowing the truth, whatever the truth was. If Eva loved you, how could she have blamed you for something you had absolutely no control over, for Christ’s sake? I don’t get it.”
Anna didn’t mean to sound so harsh. She tried to squelch the anger that rose in her. She liked Jonas a lot, she had begun to love him, and now he turned out to be a weasel just like her former husband. Why were men such cowards?
“I was a coward, Anna,” Jonas echoed her feelings. “There were several occasions I wanted to tell her about my suspicions.” He sighed. “But the longer I waited, the more impossible it became. Time has a way of erasing everything. After a while, I hardly thought about it anymore. I had convinced myself that it wasn’t my uncle but rather someone else with the same first name.
“I did once try to talk to my uncle. We had lost touch for a long time but I knew that he was quite ill. He lived in a clinic for Alzheimer’s patients. My mother visited him on a regular basis. I went there once, but he was too far gone. He couldn’t remember anything.”
Jonas took a deep breath and said in a low voice, “And to be honest, I was glad. I didn’t want to deal with it.”
“Do your children know?” Anna asked.
Jonas nodded. “Yeah, I told them. They reacted the same as you just did. They couldn’t believe that I had never told Eva. Andrew said I was stupid to believe that Eva would have blamed me for having an uncle who was a Nazi . . . he also said something, which really hurt me mainly because it was true: ‘How could you live with Mother for thirty years and not know her feelings better?’”
“Well, he was right,” Anna burst out.
“Yes, I know. I wasn’t just a coward. I was a fool.” Jonas got up and walked a few steps away, then turned around. “I don’t blame you for holding it against me.”
“It’s not that. I just wish couples could be more honest with each other. Love is based on trust, isn’t it? Without trust, you can’t truly love someone. How can you live a lie for years? Just like Nico.” Anna tried to keep her rising anger under control.
“I don’t think that’s a fair comparison,” Jonas said.
“Okay, maybe not, but still . . .” Anna exhaled deeply.
It was quiet for a while. They both avoided looking at each other.
Jonas cleared his throat. “I just felt you needed to know. I want our relationship to be based on honesty.” He looked down at his hands, rubbing his fingers.
Anna finally faced him. “Well, that’s neither here nor there, since we’re not in an intimate relationship. And what happened between you and Eva has nothing to do with me.” She saw the expression of hurt on Jonas’s face, and tried to blunt the blow somewhat. “But I’m glad you told me. Friends need to be honest with each other.”
“You’re right,” Jonas said in a curt voice. He glanced at his watch. “It’s getting late. I better go.”
Anna was upset. She didn’t want the evening to end on a bad note. At the same time, she wasn’t ready to absolve Jonas. She knew Jonas was a good man and she felt more deeply for him than she had felt for any man since Nico. But his story reminded her too much of her former husband’s lack of honesty. It was a breach of trust, not as serious as what her husband had done, but one nevertheless. Anna tried to come to terms with what she had heard. She was confused.
Jonas picked up his jacket and gave her a cautious look. “I’ll talk to you later?”
Anna wanted to say something kind. “Thanks, Jonas, for sharing. I’m sorry; I don’t mean to be judgmental. I—”
“It’s okay, Anna.” He tried to smile but his expression looked more like a grimace. He got up and left. Anna was searching for some words of comfort, but he was already gone.
She remained seated for a while, watching as darkness descended fully around her. She gazed at the blackish-blue sky but not even the few blinking stars were able to cheer her up. Flooded by a wave of sadness, she felt her eyes tear up. The first time she began to open her heart to a man, she was hurt again. She thought about Jonas’s confession. Was she too hard on him? He had at least been honest with her. But how many other secrets did he harbor? How well did she really know him? No, she simply couldn’t afford to give her heart fully to another man. The last time it had almost killed her. Why go through that again? The solitary life wasn’t too bad. She had Karla and her friends. She swallowed her tears, put the tea cups and the pot on the tray, and carried it to the house. Pushing the door open with one arm, she stepped inside and shut the door behind her.