An Interrupted Marriage (Silhouette Special Edition) (16 page)

He leaned forward and touched his lips to the tender swell above the neckline of the nightdress. “This?” he murmured, and raised his head to look into her eyes. “Or—this?” His lips grazed her cheek, settled on her mouth, then wandered down her throat, and his hands caressed her. “This?” His voice was deep, his hands growing bolder. Her breathing quickened, her eyelashes flickering over her eyes.

He settled on the bed beside her and pulled her closer to him. “Tell me, Jade,” he commanded. “Tell me what you want.”

* * *

A long time later he finally parted from her, rolling onto his back in the darkness, his breathing gradually steadying.

Jade, her body bathed in a warm, pleasurable lethargy, turned to him, nuzzling her cheek against his shoulder. “Now,” she said quietly, “I really feel as though we’re married again.”

“Again?”

“I mean—being on holiday isn’t the same, is it? It was like a second honeymoon, as Ginette said. Here—back in our own room, our own bed—this is reality.”

“A letdown?”

“
No!
Not a letdown at all. It was wonderful.”

He turned his head, his eyes gleaming in the darkness. “I’m glad,” he said, “that I give satisfaction.”

She gave a small laugh. “You always did.”

Magnus made a sudden movement, surprising her so that she lifted her head. “Then why—?”

“Why—what?” she queried.

“Nothing. Never mind.” But he shifted away from her a little, raising an arm to prop his head.

She thought she knew. Surely he must realise that when they were first wed, lovemaking, however satisfactory, hadn’t been enough to release the various tensions that had assailed her, trying to fit into his family and care for all their disparate and sometimes conflicting needs? “I felt—isolated,” she said. “Especially when you weren’t here. You were away a lot.”

“Danella—”

“I know. You had to find her. In a way it should have been easier without her here—when she first left I’d have been relieved not to have to deal with her hostility any more, if I hadn’t been so worried and felt so guilty.”

“About Danella? You had no cause—”

“I had told you I’d look after the children. I never succeeded with her. She just hated me.” And had been savvy enough, after a clash or two with Magnus over her bad manners, to hide much of her antagonism when he was home. Jade had felt quite unable to carry tales about her to Magnus, who in any case had enough worries without being asked continually to mediate between his wife and his sister.

He said, “I don’t think she hated you.”

Jade gave a small laugh. “She thought she did. I thought so, too. And the fact that Laurence tended to stick up for me only made it worse. It must have been hard for her—even her twin seemed to be deserting her, emotionally.”

“He did have a bit of a crush on you. At the time I thought it was rather funny.”

“Not to Danella.” In many ways Laurence, the only member of the family who had reacted positively to her presence, had made everything even more difficult. Jade dared not encourage him, for Danella’s sake and his own, and yet she didn’t want to hurt his youthful feelings, either. It had been akin to walking on eggshells.

“She is rather possessive,” Magnus said.

“Yes, she admitted as much to me, during this last visit.”

“Something that runs in the family, I’m afraid.” His voice sounded clipped. “So be warned.”

“Warned?” A shiver of apprehension ran up her spine.

“We agreed to bury the past, to go on with our marriage, looking forward instead of back. That’s what last week was all about. This time, I don’t expect to be leaving you to care for my family while I’m off somewhere—at work or hunting for my sister. And I expect you to keep to your side of the bargain. I need to know I can trust you, Jade. That I have your absolute fidelity.”

“Of course you can trust me!” Jade said. “There’s no
question
about that!”

“Isn’t there?” He snaked out a hand suddenly and snagged it into her hair, bringing her closer. “None?” he queried softly.

“None!”
She was indignant, and hurt that he could think otherwise. “You’re my husband, Magnus—the only man I’ve ever loved.”

His hand tightened, tugging at the roots of her hair until they hurt. He said harshly, “I’m not asking you to lie to me!”

“I’m not lying—you know I’m not!” He hadn’t been unaware, the first time they made love, of her virginity. The inevitable discovery had even shocked him a little.

“Sometimes I think I don’t know anything about you.” He searched her face, his eyes stone-hard, even in the semi-darkness. “You’re not trying to tell me that
Patrick
is one of the things you’ve forgotten?”

“Patrick?” She was lost, bewildered.

“Patrick,” he said, as though the name left a bad taste in his mouth. And then, the words seemingly forced from him almost against his will, he added,
“Your lover!”

H
e let her go as though he suddenly couldn’t bear to touch her, but Jade stayed as she was, staring down at him where he was propped on the pillow, her mind in turmoil. “My...lover?? she repeated stupidly.

He went on, “It’s no good. I find I just can’t pretend it never happened. I need to get it out in the open, even if you prefer to sweep it under the carpet.?

Finding her voice at last, Jade said, “It
didn’t
happen! Magnus, I’ve never had a lover—except you!?

Magnus leaned over and switched on the bedside light, making her blink. He turned and eyed her narrowly. “You never slept with Patrick??

“I don’t even know who he is!? Even as she said it her voice faltered, for in her mind’s eye a man’s face floated momentarily into view. Quite good-looking, with gold-rimmed glasses, and brown hair falling over his forehead, blue eyes looking into hers with an alert, sympathetic gaze.

Then it was gone, replaced by Magnus’s darker, accusing eyes, his shadowed, gaunt-boned face. “It’s a bit late to deny it now,? he said. “This isn’t really the first time since you came back that the subject has come up, is it??

“I don’t...understand. I don’t recall discussing anything like this before.? She swallowed a moment’s panic. Could they have had conversations that she’d forgotten? Was she still sick after all? Was
this
unbelievable discussion a delusion? She put out a hand to touch Magnus, to reassure herself that he was real, solid—and
here.

He was there, his skin warm and taut over bone and muscle. Automatically she ran her hand down his arm, and felt him flinch. Her hand dropped.

He said with weary cynicism, “Oh, we’ve avoided naming names, skirted round it all very carefully—being civilised. Pretending we weren’t really mentioning it at all.?

“We weren’t!? Jade cried. “
I
wasn’t! Whatever you’ve been doing—Magnus,
I don’t know what you’re talking about!
“

He made an impatient gesture, then went very still, staring at her suspiciously. Slowly, almost unwillingly, he said, “There were times when I wondered if you’d genuinely forgotten, when you seemed to act as though nothing had happened.?

“
Nothing had!
Not the sort of thing you’re suggesting.? She willed him to believe her. “Whatever you think we’ve been discussing, it wasn’t that!? Although, she realised, it explained some of the puzzling aspects of his behaviour that she’d put down to other things. His occasional cruel remarks, the barely suppressed ferocity that had disturbed her, that had even sometimes been latent in his lovemaking. “I knew you were deep-down angry,? she conceded. “I thought it was an instinctive reaction to my being ill for so long, and maybe to your own guilt because you felt partly responsible.?

“I am
not
angry with you for getting
sick!
“

“Perhaps not consciously, but—?

“That isn’t the issue here!? He denied it violently. “Are you really saying that you didn’t realise I knew about Patrick??

Growing angry herself, she raised her voice, trying to get through to him. “
No,
that’s not what I’m saying! I’m saying
I
don’t know anything
about
any such person, so I could hardly have known that
you
did, could I??

Magnus made an exasperated sound, and threw back the covers, getting out of the bed. He pulled a robe around himself, belting it with swift, almost vicious movements, then strode to the window and turned, a powerful silhouette against the night sky, a hand thrusting through his hair. “Why do you think I offered you a divorce?? he demanded. “Oh, I know he left you, and that was what finally sent you over the brink—quite literally—?

“He—left me?? Dazedly, she put a hand to her head. “Magnus, none of this is making any sense. I thought
you
wanted a divorce—?

“I made it clear it was your choice,? he reminded her.

“I thought you were being gallant—?

“Gallant??

“You knew I’d been unhappy here. I thought you were hoping that I’d want to be free of Waititapu—even of you. You didn’t want to callously reject me outright. So you gave me the choice, hoping I’d take it. Even though you said there wasn’t anyone else, I couldn’t help wondering if you had someone in mind, or you...just didn’t want to be tied to someone like me.?

“Someone like you??

“Someone who’s had a mental breakdown.?

“For God’s sake, what do you think I am??

She dropped her hand and looked at him again. “What do you think
I
am?? she said. “That’s rather more to the point, isn’t it? Is this what you meant when you talked about my failures? And—? her eyes widened “—forgiveness??

He shrugged. “What else??

“Magnus, I felt I’d failed you in so many ways—your sister loathed me and I hadn’t been able to prevent her going on drugs, and then running away. Laurence liked me a little too much, and that only complicated things. Your mother barely tolerated me. Andrew didn’t seem to need me except to feed him, although as the youngest he probably felt the loss of his father the most—?

“He coped in his own way. You did as much as you could—for all of us. I know that.?

“—I never seemed able to keep the house the way your mother was accustomed to—?

“No one expected you to, on top of everything else!?

“She did.? Mrs. Riordan had never really complained, only made it clear that she was fretting about her standards not being adhered to, although allowing that she knew Jade was doing her best....

“If you’d told me—?

“You had enough on your plate without a complaining wife adding to it.?

“So you complained to Patrick instead,? he said flatly.

They were back to that. Jade fell silent, totally baffled. “Whoever he is,? she said carefully, “he was not my lover. I swear to you, Magnus—?

“You say you don’t remember him!?

“I don’t remember anyone called Patrick.? Another flicker of memory came and went in a flash. Herself walking into a room, a man rising from a chair. The name,
Patrick,
hung in the air.

“You’re lying,? Magnus accused her. “I can see it in your face.?

“I’m not lying! I just—for a moment the name rang a bell, that’s all. Faintly.?

“If you don’t remember the man, how can you swear to me that you never had an affair with him??

“I’d know!? she declared. “Don’t you think I’d
know?
“

“Maybe,? he said slowly, taking a few steps away from the window into the pool of light. “Or maybe that’s what you were trying to blot out of your mind when it went haywire on you. The fact that you loved him, and he’d left you. Left you carrying his child.?

Jade felt all the blood drain out of her face. She whispered, “
His
child??

Magnus’s face might have been carved in stone. His mouth was a hard, ungiving line.

Shaking her head, she said, “It was
your
child! She
looked
like you!?

It was, she realised immediately, a mad thing to say. She’d never seen the prematurely born baby, had not even known what sex it really was. The little girl who had been her companion for two years wasn’t real, only a figment of her then abnormal imagination. “I mean,? she stammered, “she—it—? why did that feel like a betrayal? “—it was yours. It couldn’t have been anyone else’s.?

“Couldn’t??

Her mind had gone off on a tangent. She said, “
That’s
why you frightened me so when you came to see me at the hospital. You tried to hide it, but I knew that you wanted to hurt me—that you hated the baby.?

“You didn’t have any baby by then.?

“I know, but I was right, wasn’t I??

“Yes!?
he admitted at last. “I wouldn’t have laid a finger on you, but if you’re talking about gut feelings, baser instincts, yes. I
felt
like killing you, and if you hadn’t already lost the child—I suppose I’d have felt the same way about...her, although obviously the child was totally innocent. I hoped—I tried—to get over those reactions, to be reasonable about the whole thing. It wasn’t surprising you’d turned to someone else for the emotional support that I’d failed to give you, and as for the baby—I’m sorry I didn’t hide my emotions better. It can’t have helped.?

“You’re still angry, aren’t you? That’s why you’ve been afraid of hurting me.?

He breathed deeply, fighting for control. He wouldn’t look at her, apparently talking to the wall opposite. “For so long I’d concentrated on helping you get well, telling myself that nothing else mattered as much as that. I didn’t realise that the anger was still there, that I’d only succeeded in hiding it, not conquering it.? He paused. “I spelled it out for you before we went to the Hokianga. You said you’d take the risk.?

Hushed, staring at him, she said, “If you’ve bottled it up for all that time, no wonder you were afraid you’d not be able to contain it. But I knew I was in no danger from you. You’re not violent.?

“If I’d ever got hold of your bloody Patrick, I’d have wrung his damned neck!?

“He’s not my Patrick,? she protested, without hope. Then, as the words penetrated, “You don’t know where he is??

“I don’t even know
who
he is. All I have to go on is a first name.?

She blinked at him. “Then how can you accuse me of sleeping with him? Where did you
get
this story??

He looked at her. “From you.?

It was like a blow in the stomach. “Me? What did I say? Magnus—you know I was hallucinating! I really am not responsible for half of what I said and did. Surely you understand that??

“You didn’t
say
anything at all about him,? Magnus said, “even to the doctors—as far as I know. It was what you wrote in your diary that gave you away.?

“I don’t keep a diary!?

He cast her another penetrating, sceptical look. “You did, for a while. I suppose it was more of a journal—a very secret journal. Not so much a day-to-day diary as random jottings, although you did record the dates of the entries. It covered the last couple of months before you drove your car over the cliff.?

“And you read it??

“For that,? he said, his voice suddenly clipped, “I apologise. But you’d just nearly killed yourself, you’d been moved to the psychiatric wing for assessment, and I was desperate. I thought—it might throw some light on what was happening. Well....? His mouth twisted. “...It did that all right.?

“You’ve got it all wrong!? she said passionately. “Show it to me! I’ll
prove
that you’ve got it wrong.?

He shook his head. “I can’t. I...burnt it.?

Jade stared at him.
“Burnt my journal??

He frowned. “I know I had no right—either to read it, or burn it. But it’s done, now.?

“Then,? she said, her lips feeling stiff, “you’ve left me no way to defend myself.?

“It would hardly have helped,? he said sardonically. Coming closer to the bed, he seemed to loom threateningly over her. “Do you want me to quote you some passages from it? The last entry is burned on my brain. ‘I don’t know how I’m going to survive. Patrick, how could you walk away when you know how much I need you? I can feel myself slipping into a black abyss, it’s swallowing me up. Oh, Patrick, please. Please don’t go away. I can’t manage alone. Without you, I’ll die.’ Do you want to hear more??

Jade swallowed hard. “I—can’t have written that,? she said. “I couldn’t have.?

“I do know your handwriting—even if I hadn’t found the journal hidden under the nightwear in your drawer. And you’d written about me, too.?

“You??

“I don’t figure as largely as the beloved
Patrick,
“ he said with extreme sarcasm, “but there were obviously times when you remembered that you had an inconvenient husband. ‘I can’t keep it secret from Magnus much longer. Patrick says I’ll have to tell him. But I’m afraid.’ With good reason. If I’d known what was going on—?

“Did you read it all??

“No. It sickened me too much. And besides, I—couldn’t help but realise that I was never meant to see it. The reason I burnt it was to remove the morbid temptation to read and reread every word.?

“But you’re taking bits out of context—?

“I read enough to realise that you’d been seeing this—man on a regular basis. Enough to know that you became utterly dependent on him. You wrote that you told him things about yourself that you’d never told anyone before, that your—relationship—was more intimate than marriage.? Ignoring her small sound of shock, Magnus went on, “And his threat to leave you was enough to sink you into total despair. Was it because you refused to tell me about him, to ask for your freedom, that he left??

“No!? Jade pressed a hand to her temples, dropped it again and shook her head. “I don’t know! It makes no sense.?

“No? Not even, ‘I need to talk to Patrick about the baby. He has to help me. I don’t know what to do.’ What did you do, Jade? I found out about your pregnancy only because the doctors told me you’d miscarried after the ‘accident.’ Do you know what a fool I felt, accepting their commiserations for the loss of a baby I hadn’t even known about? If you wanted to get rid of it there were easier ways, less dangerous for yourself. Or had you already done something before you drove off that cliff? Was that why you decided to take your own life, too??

“Magnus, don’t! I told you, I didn’t drive over the cliff on purpose!?

“You just said you don’t even remember it. You’re beginning to get your stories muddled, Jade.?

“
It’s not true!
I would never have done a thing like that—?

“You were desperate enough to do anything, it seems. Even to ending your own life along with the one you carried. Pregnant by a lover who’d deserted you, and afraid to tell your husband—?

Jade bit her lip. “I just can’t accept it,? she said, starting to shiver. “Why are you doing this to me, Magnus??

“You think I’m making it up??

She was silent. Of course he wouldn’t do that. “No,? she admitted. “I think you really believe it. But the whole thing is fantastic, and—what proof do you have? You destroyed the—evidence. If I could see it, I might remember—be able to explain.? A thought struck her. “Maybe Patrick was an imaginary confidant. Someone I could pour out all my private thoughts and fears to, but not a real person at all. A sort of ‘Dear Diary’ figure personified.?