I glare up at him, not liking his order even if I do understand it. “Yeah, I got it.” Though not without Logan, but I keep that to myself because I know it will be nothing but an argument.
“Everything will be okay,” Logan reassures me again. “Lewis is looking into things and I trust him, if there is cause for more concern he’ll find out. Now it’s just a waiting game.”
Jaxson nods. “I agree, but we still need to be careful. If something more happens before the final then you guys both come stay out here.” Jaxson throws his hand up before Logan can argue. “If necessary Julia and Annabelle can stay with Cade and Faith in the guest house. But I agree with you, I think everything will be fine, at least until the final.”
Yeah, but that’s what scares me the most, what about when the final does happen? What will happen to Logan then? Just the thought has me sick. I just want this all to be over so Logan and I can finally move on.
Anna
A
few nights later I hear Logan enter the apartment, coming back from his nightly run. I look out the bedroom window to see the unmarked police car still parked across the street.
Closing my textbooks that I have sprawled around me on the bed I get up to greet him. As I round the corner I see him standing over the kitchen sink with his back to me, drinking a tall glass of water. Heat immediately floods my body at the sight of him, my eyes sweeping down his half-naked perfection. His black athletic pants hang enticingly low on his lean hips, his sexy, sculpted back glistening with sweat. Now I’m the one in need of some water.
With a smile I walk toward him, wrapping my arms around his waist, not realizing my mistake before it’s too late. I’m completely caught off guard when I’m swiftly thrown up against the fridge with his hand wrapped around my throat. My breath seizes in my lungs and terror grips me as I stare back into the coldest blue eyes I’ve ever seen.
“Jesus! Fuck!” Logan jumps back, releasing the grip around my throat, fear and shame washing over the lethal expression he had just moments ago. “God, Anna, you can’t do that to me, not ever again. Do you hear me?” His hand slides through his hair in desperation as he backs away from me. “Fuck!” He punches the wall next to him, the crushing force leaving a gigantic hole before he walks out to the balcony.
The slam of the door knocks me out of my stunned state. I bring a shaking hand to my pounding heart and try to comprehend what on earth just happened. The fear and fury that were in his eyes have guilt tearing through me. After all the signs he has given off I should have realized. I should have known better.
Taking a few deep breaths, I pull myself together and walk out onto the balcony. Logan leans against the wall, inhaling his cigarette as if his life depends on it. His gaze never strays to me but he knows I’m here.
I move to stand in front of him but he still doesn’t look at me. “I’m sorry,” I whisper through my burning throat. “I didn’t mean to catch you off guard. I won’t ever do that again.”
He finally looks down at me and his tormented expression hits me like a punch to the stomach. Reaching up, he grazes his knuckles along the side of my throat, regret burning in his gaze. With a clenched jaw, his eyes fall closed and he drops his head back on the wall.
“Logan, talk to me. Please tell me what happened. Maybe if you talk about it you’ll feel—”
“No.”
A frustrated breath escapes me at his quick rejection. I take Julia’s advice and decide now’s the time to push. “Please don’t shut me out. I want to talk about this, I want to talk about what happened.”
He tosses his cigarette and moves me to the side. “It’s not going to happen, Anna, so just fucking drop it.”
My temper spikes when he storms back inside, completely dismissing me. I follow in after him. “Why won’t you let me be there for you?”
He spins around, anger flaring his eyes. “Because it won’t fucking change anything! Do you really think it’s going to matter? To make a difference?”
“It might.”
“No, it won’t and it’s shit you don’t need to hear.”
“Don’t do that! Don’t treat me like a child. You forget I know how awful the world can be.” I let go of a pained breath and try my hardest to rein in my frustration, not wanting to fight. “Listen, sometimes when you talk about things it can help. Especially when—”
“Save your psycho-babble bullshit for someone else, you are not using me as some sort of fucking study project.”
“This has nothing to do with my major, it’s about you not letting me in. You have always shut me out and it’s not fair, you know everything there is about me! You know the darkest moment of my life and it hurts me that you won’t let me in to yours.”
His jaw grinds so hard I’m surprised it doesn’t snap. “Fine, you really want to know?” His voice is calmer yet somehow more dangerous. He moves toward me in a way that has me retreating back. “You want to hear what it’s like to have your freedom taken from you? To have your identity stripped to the point you become a number instead of a human being? To know what it feels like to be locked up like an animal and confined in a space that has no windows and is the size of a fucking shower stall?”
My back finally hits the wall and he cages me in, his arms bracing on either side of my head. Every word he breathes has my heart pounding in anguish, but I keep myself together and hold his hard gaze, not letting his intimidation push me away.
“Or maybe you want to hear what it’s like to be watched 24/7. What it’s like to not be able to take a piss, eat or sleep in fucking privacy.” He pauses and the eyes staring back at me are so cold the little hairs on the back of my neck take full notice. “Then there are the moments where you can’t leave your back open for even a second or some perverted fuck will try to make you their bitch. You want to hear about the time it almost happened to me, Anna? Will that make you feel better?”
Oh god.
I shake my head, not wanting to hear it. Not like this—not when he’s so angry and won’t let me be there for him.
“No? But you said you wanted to know everything.”
“Stop it, Logan,” I say through clenched teeth.
“No, you asked for it so now you’re going to hear it. I’m going to tell you why I’m a fucking head case who can’t have his back left to the open.” He moves in so close that the anger pouring from him is almost suffocating. “I’m going to tell you about the time three guys caught me unaware in the shower.”
“Stop, please,” I plead on a strangled whisper, not wanting it to be like this.
“Don’t worry, baby, it doesn’t end badly. At least not for me. Wanna know why?” I shake my head unable to get words out any more through my burning throat, but he doesn’t stop. “Because I turned the tables and laid a beating to them that made me almost kill for the second time in my life. I even put one motherfucker into a coma.” Tears fall down my cheeks and a sob bubbles up my throat, but I try my hardest to force it back down. “Do you feel better now that you know?” I don’t answer him and he snaps. “Fucking answer me, are you happy now?” he screams.
“Stop it! Stop yelling at me.” I sob, trying to push him away. He’s not my Logan right now, and I can’t bear having him talk to me like this.
“That’s what I thought.” He pushes away from me. “Well now you have it, Anna. That’s why I don’t let anyone get the opportunity to catch me off guard. I will never be vulnerable like that again. So I hope you feel better now that you know, because I sure fucking don’t!” He storms out of the living room and into his bedroom; slamming the door so hard behind him that I’m surprised it doesn’t splinter.
As the loud bang echoes through the apartment, my legs give out from under me and I completely shatter. I curl into myself, hugging my knees to my chest and cry. I cry for Logan and everything he went through, I cry for how angry he still is, but mostly I cry for us. I cry because he doesn’t trust me enough to be there for him like he always is for me.
Once my sobs subside and the only sound coming from the dark, silent room is of my labored breathing, I think about what to do. I love him and I want to be there for him, but I can’t force him to let me in. I don’t know whether to leave and give him space or push more. After what just happened I’m going to assume the latter is not a good choice.
After a few more minutes of debating, I decide to leave. It’s clear he’s really angry right now and doesn’t want me around. All I can do is give him space and pray he comes back to me, that one day he’ll let me in and be there for him like he has been for me.
Getting up, I make my way slowly toward his room to gather some of my clothes. I pause with my hand on the doorknob, terrified for what I’m about to encounter. With a deep breath, I search for as much courage as I can before I quietly enter.
The room is black except for the moonlight that pours in through the bedroom window. I can barely see the outline of his body as he sits on the side of the bed with his head in his hands and his elbows propped on his knees.
“Logan?” I whisper, not really sure if I should tell him I’m leaving or just pack up and go.
When he doesn’t respond I decide it’s best to just grab a bag and leave. With a sad sigh I walk toward the closet and gasp in surprise when he snags my arm. He yanks me between his legs and wraps his arms around my waist, burying his face into my stomach. “I’m so sorry, please forgive me.” The desolation coming from him is like nothing I’ve ever seen before. He mumbles something into my tummy but I can’t understand him.
“Logan, please look at me.” I frame his face, forcing him to look up at me, and suck in a sharp breath when my hands instantly become soaked with his tears.
“I didn’t mean to,” he chokes out. “I didn’t know it was you. I would never hurt you, Anna. I would never put my fucking hands on you like that. You know that, right?”
I feel my own tears spill again, my heart aching at his turmoil. “Of course I do, I know you didn’t mean to.”
He catches me off guard as he lifts me to straddle him, his arms hugging me desperately tight. “I swear I’ll never do that again. I’m just…I’m so fucked up, Anna. I didn’t realize it was you until it was too late. I thought—”
“Shh, it’s okay.
I’m
okay.”
“I’ll never be able to live with myself if there’s a mark on you.”
“There isn’t,” I reassure him, unable to bear the pain in his voice. “The only thing hurting right now is my heart.” I hate to admit it, especially right now, but it can’t go unsaid.
He drops his head on my shoulder; his body trembling with anguish, and it completely guts me. “I’m so sorry I said the things that I did. I was angry and I lashed out, but I’m not mad at you—I’m mad at myself. At what I’d almost done to you, and…” He pauses, hesitating with his next words.
“Don’t hold back on me now. Please.”
He lets out a heavy breath. “I hate for you to know what I went through, how much I hated that fucking place because I knew it would only hurt you, and I don’t want that. But I ended up hurting you anyway, and for that I’m so fucking sorry.”
I hug him closer, trying to comfort him as much as possible. “I just want to be there for you, the same way you have been for me. Let me take your pain away, let me take care of you the way you take care of me.”
“That’s just it, you do—more than you’ll ever know. Just being near you makes everything better.”
“I’m glad, but I need more. I need you to let me in. Yes, it hurts me to know someone tried to hurt you, but it hurts more for you to keep me in the dark. If I had known what happened I would never have come up behind you like that.”
He nods. “I’ll try. It’s just hard for me. I’m not used to it, but I’ll do anything to not have you hurt, Anna. Just…please don’t leave me. I can’t fucking survive without you.”
Lifting his face to mine, I drop my forehead to his and stare into his wet, tormented eyes, then voice the one thing I’ve wanted to tell him since seeing him again. “I love you, Logan. Do you hear me? I never stopped and I never will. I won’t ever leave you. I wouldn’t have left you four years ago and I won’t now. As long as you don’t shut me out you will always have me…forever,” I add with a whisper.
Instead of responding with words his mouth takes mine in a searing kiss, one that lights up my heart and touches the very depths of my soul. There’s nothing rushed about it, unlike all the other kisses we’ve had up to this point. This one is slow and deliberate but just as passionate. It also has a hint of something new.
A new understanding maybe? A promised future?
Whatever it is, I latch onto it and let it heal the pain that’s been lancing through me since our fight.
“My Anna,” he whispers against my lips. “I love you so fucking much it hurts.” He flips me over, reversing our position, and comes over top of me, his mouth finding mine again.
I moan at feeling how hard he is between my legs and thrust up eagerly, desperately needing to feel him inside of me, now more than ever. He wastes no time giving me exactly what I want. What we both need.
He rids me of my dress then panties. This time though he slides them down my body instead of ripping them off like he usually does, kissing every bare inch of skin he passes, bringing my body to life while making me feel cherished. I’m so lost in the perfection of his touch that when he comes back over top of me I realize he has already rid himself of his pants.
Without waiting another second, he slides into me with one smooth thrust. I gasp at the exquisite pleasure that shoots through my body. The way he completes me is the most beautiful and soul-touching feeling of my life.
His forehead drops on mine with a groan. “God, I fucking love you. Everything about you.”
His kind words add to the warmth of sensations flowing through me. I reach up and frame his face between my hands, keeping him close. “I love you, too. You’re perfect—perfect for me.”
He begins thrusting in and out of me with slow precision, his deep blue eyes penetrating me in the darkness. “I missed you so fucking much. I thought about you every goddamn second I was in that hellhole. Only you, Anna. It was the memory of you—of us—that made me survive.”