An Absolute Mess

AN ABSOLUTE
MESS
An Absolutely Messed Up
Fairytale

(Inspired by the
Absolut Hunk
photo)

By Sidney
Ayers
Smashwords Edition

ISBN:
978-1452484952

Copyright
©
2010 Sidney Ayers
through Smashwords

In a land far, far away
(Thank goodness!)

“
You will marry Prince
Leonardo Von Absolute, and that is final.” Belden Feldspar slammed
his fist on the heavy oak of his desk.

Jaylenne Feldspar stood firm in her
resolve, her features etched in a stoic glare. “Prince Leonardo Von
Absolute is an absolute jackass. He is a pompous poopie-head who
only cares about himself.” She huffed. “I heard he has twenty
people on his staff just for putting shoes on his oafish
feet.”

“
Milady,” her maid
interrupted. “His Royal Highness is not an oaf. He is rather
sexy.”

Blasted Kianne. She was much too
outspoken for a maid. “I don’t doubt his sexiness, Kianne. I doubt
his other attributes.”

Kianne giggled and blushed. “I’ve
heard good things about his other attributes.”

“
Kianne, I was referring—”
Jaylenne’s eyes widened. “Really?” She shook her head and
admonished herself. What was she doing? Her father was right there,
listening. “Uhh, Kianne, can you excuse yourself for a few minutes
while my father and I discuss the wedding I am not going to
have?”

Kianne nodded and bowed meekly. “As
you wish, milady.” She turned and quietly left the room the room,
shutting the door behind her.

“
Why does the prince want
to marry me?” Jaylenne asked. The pale jade gossamer of her skirts
swished as she paced her father’s bearskin rug.

“
Does it matter?” her
father replied. “He is Prince of Farsidia. That is reason
enough.”

Jaylenne rolled her eyes. “Well as far
as I recall, a woman still has a choice of her mate. Send Prince
Leonardo Von Absolute my answer, which will be a big fat NO. And
make sure to capitalize the N and O.” She crossed her arms across
her chest and gave her father an angry glare.

“
Jaylenne Feldspar, you
and I both know you have not had your ceremony yet. Until then you
are not a woman , but a girl.”

Blasted rites of this backwards
country. She was twenty summers, well past the normal ceremonial
age. She stomped her foot and stuck out her lip in a pout. The
longer he held off her ceremony, the longer he could keep her under
his wing—as a girl.

“
I don’t need no stinking
ceremony. I am a woman, whether you like it or not.” She turned and
stormed out the room, slamming the door behind her. With chin held
high, she stalked toward the stairs and to her personal
chambers.

Kianne sat at the window sill, mending
the hem of Jaylenne’s riding habit. “You really don’t want to marry
the prince?” she asked with wide eyes.

Jaylenne hated the superficiality of
this kingdom. It made her want to retch. “No.”

She stalked over to her desk and
picked up the package that had just arrived. It was from that
pompous prig of a prince. She was tempted to have the courier send
it back, but curiosity got the best of her. She ripped open the
paper.

What the Hades was this? She gazed
upon the portrait of Prince Leonardo Von Absolute—complete with
autograph—with eyes wide with shock. It confirmed all her previous
convictions. The man was handsome, but conceited. His portrait said
it all. He was lounging upon an expansive bed, pristine white
blankets billowing about his muscular body. His tousled sun-kissed
tresses pooled about a handsome well chiseled face, and the blue
seas of his eyes sparkled with mischief. A smile that said, “come
hither” swept from cheek to cheek. Not a piece of clothing covered
his magnificent body.

Thank goodness, the Absolute family
chalice rested in a strategic position, leaving what hid behind it
to her imagination. Not that she wanted to imagine it at all. Who
was she fooling? Of course, she wanted to imagine it. From the size
of that gaudy gold jewel gilt cup, his hidden package was rather
massive.

Blasted men, she thought angrily. “See
what I mean?” she said, tossing the portrait to the ground, right
in front of Kianne. “Arrogant as Hades.”

Kianne laughed. “Yes, but very nice to
look at, no?” She finished the hem and reached over to retrieve the
portrait. “Hmm, why is it this painting resembles another one I
have seen before?”

Jaylenne glared. “Whatever do you
mean?”

“
Did we not take a
vacation this spring? To Cancunia?” Kianne grinned. “Your first
fling away from your parents?”

And the reason she had not had her
Ceremony yet. Blasted paparazzi!

“’
Twas dry brushed,”
Jaylenne said with a sigh, remembering the painting that circulated
across the kingdoms. She was holding a tankard of ale in each hand,
and another tankard was positioned in a similar strategic location
as the prince’s portrait. As if she would really drink something
that tasted like horse-piss.

Blast those heathens
at
Damsels Gone Wanton.

She should really get a barrister and
sue their arses for slander. Her mind was made up. She would NOT
marry Prince Leonardo Von Absolute. Nothing anyone could say or do
would change her mind.

* ~* ~*~ *

“
I will marry Jaylenne
Spaulding.” Prince Leonardo Von Absolute said with a grin. “She
holds a tankard well.” He traced along the painting with the tip of
his finger.

“
Your Highness, the royal
robe?” Huey Duckie, his trusty what-ever-it-was-he-was,
asked.

Leonardo shook his head, delighting in
the feel of his luxurious gold flecked shoulder length tresses
flipping about his face.

“
Harold, does this Jemima
Sparkles welcome my proposal?” He perused the beautiful image in
the mirror, flexing his biceps and quads. Damn, I’m one hot prince,
he thought. He wouldn’t hesitate to do himself if he were a woman.
He twitched his pectoral muscles up and down.

“
Her surname is Feldspar,
Your Highness, and I’m Huey.”

“
Feildspore? Sounds like
an infectious disease.” Leonardo wrinkled his beautiful patrician
nose. “With a name like that, she’ll be begging to be my wife.” He
looked down at his above-average-size dinghy. He was certain that
certain portion of his anatomy would sweeten the deal. He turned
and plopped upon the royal settee, allowing Sir Ding-A-Ling to flop
to his side. “Hubert, fetch me my chalice and call for the palace
portrait painter. I shall send Lady Jaybird Freespirit another
gift.”

“
I will summon my brother
immediately.”

“
Doofus is your brother?”
Leonardo asked, plopping a succulent grape into his perfectly
molded lips.

“
Dewey, Your
Highness.”

“
Doogie? Like the
physician child?” Leonardo scratched his head in confused thought.
He cursed the day his mother, the Queen, dropped him on his head.
It was only two weeks ago.

“
No, Dewey, D-E-W-E-Y,
like the Dewey decimal system, a catalog system used by Earth
people to catalog library books.”

Leonardo shrugged. “I don’t like to
read, unless it has pictures, if you know what I mean.”

“
That’s too bad, Your
Highness.” Huey smiled. “I’ve been told Lady Jaylenne is an avid
reader.”

“
Perhaps
I shall try and read.” He waltzed over to his bookshelf and pulled
out the first book he could find. And the author’s name was almost
similar, well the first name at least. “So is this
War and Peace
any
good?”

Hughy—or was it Huey?—coughed. “It’s a
little above your reading level. He pulled another book from the
shelf—The Adventures of Dick and Jane. Did this guy really think he
was that dumb? If he did, then his plan had succeeded.

“
I read Dork and June
already,” Leonardo said as he traced his perfectly manicured finger
across the row of books. “Oh, this looks interesting,” he said,
shaking the book in Huey’s duck-like face.

Huey grabbed the book and gazed at the
cover. A scantily clad woman with bosoms popping out of her corset
was grabbing the white billowing shirt of a man, exposing a broad
muscled chest. He perused the inside. “This is a romance novel,
Your Highness.”

Leonardo grinned. “If what’s inside is
as nice as that picture, I’m sure I’ll love it.” He wiggled his
eyebrows suggestively.

“
There are no pictures
inside, Your Highness.”

Leonardo sighed. “Oh pooh,” he said.
“I still want to read it.” He ripped the book from Huey’s webbed
hands.

A loud rumble rolled through
Leonardo’s stomach. “The Royal Stomach hath spoken. Have Luigi
bring me my dinner.”

“
Louie,” Huey
replied.

“
Whatever, have my dinner
brought up.”

Huey rolled his eyes and exited. Why
did Huey always do that to him?

Of course he knew why Huey rolled his
eyes. These brothers were all about a conspiracy to drive him
insane and declare him unfit to be king. They never thought that he
would turn his eye to Jaylenne. Ah… he wasn’t as dumb as all these
Duckies thought he was.

Jaylenne— he knew she was no innocent,
no matter how much she fussed over the paparazzi and their devious
tactics. He had been there—seen her—banged her—in Cancunia. Not as
prince Leonardo but as Squire Ferdinand No Num. He had tasted her
sweet nectar more than once, had delighted in every inch of her
voluptuous body, and had felt her glorious release as he spilled
his seed in her quivering sheath. He could still feel her
shuddering beneath him as he pumped in and out of her like a
piston. He knew not what a piston was, but it sounded
appropriate.

It was shortly after, that he
commissioned her portrait, wanting something to remember her by.
Unfortunately, it had accidentally been released to the bards of
the realm.

If only he could get her in the dark
again and his tongues on her sweet tantalizing body, she would
marry him without hesitation. She, in fact, would be begging Prince
Leonardo Von Absolute, not Squire Ferdinand No Num, as she arched
her back off the satin sheets. He had already spoken to her father
about their little indiscretion, and he more than agreed to offer
Jaylenne in marriage. Perhaps daddy, would agree to a wee
underhanded trickery, himself?

* ~* ~*~ *

Jaylenne sighed, staring at Prince
Leonardo Von Absolute’s portrait. His eyes, they seemed familiar.
She lied back in the delicate porcelain tub and let the aroma of
vanilla and lavender soak within her aura. Now that she had time to
relax, she reflected more on his photo. Where had she seen Prince
Leonardo Von Absolute before?

“
If only Squire Ferdinand
No Num were here,” Jaylenne said aloud. He would know what to do.
No one had ever made her feel that way before. He was well versed
in the art of Tantric Massage and another book he had stolen from
the Earth people called, “Kama Sutra” She thanked the gourds she
had been born with two sets of joints. It drove Squire Ferdinand No
Num nuts when she put both her legs behind her head.