Amplified (14 page)

The pick fell between my fingers and evaporated into the floor. I tilted my head back, sucking in my breath, wishing I could disappear with it.

Veta glanced at me over her shoulder, her full lips turned down at the corners.

And I knew. I’d just blown my last chance.

Bryn took apart his drum kit like it was on fire. He’d managed to locate another pair of jeans and a black Mindless Self Indulgence T-shirt.

I packed up my gear, avoiding eye contact with everyone. Felix helped Veta haul her amp back to the van, both of them whispering as they went.

“Damaged” by Assemblage 23 blasted out of the speakers, which turned voices into an indistinguishable hum. But I could feel a chill between my shoulders, imagining the cruel remarks being flung at me.

My mouth felt like cotton, my lower back ached, and weakness preyed on my limbs. Failing wasn’t something I did. Ever. Unless I counted that talent show in second grade. Maybe I should’ve taken the hint then. But I always thought one day I’d be good enough. One day I’d get up on a stage and finally be seen and heard and respected. All the years in Jason’s hot garage, the infected blisters, the days when playing guitar was the only thing keeping me sane, the moments I’d master a new technique or find a melody that gave me chills—it was all supposed to lead me to a night like tonight.

I’d imagined a mind-blowing high. The pulse of the audience would run through my body, daring me to play better and harder than ever before. My melodies would heal and inspire, make people feel as if I were speaking directly to them.

This was supposed to be the night I could call myself a real musician.

“You want help with your amp?” Sean asked behind me.

“Sean,” Bryn said, his voice thick and charged. “Get over here.”

Sean jogged over to help Bryn haul the drums offstage, leaving me alone with the buzz of conversations below. I scrambled to wind up my cords.

“Hey!” a guy called, slapping his hand against the stage. He sounded like the idiot who’d harassed Amy. I kept my back to him. “Hey, chicky—I wanna ask you something.”

Chicky? What a tool.

“Why’d they pick you?” His laugh cut above the music. “Do you give really good head or what?”

Every muscle in my back tensed. I imagined myself whirling around and smashing the toe of my boot into his face, but I just grabbed my guitar and ran. Through the sweltering backstage area. Out the door. Into the cool night breeze.

The rest of C-Side stood in a tight circle outside the van. Bryn made wide gestures with his hands, his lips moving fast. Veta’s arms were folded and Sean’s head was down. Felix saw me and put a finger to his lips. He broke away and ran back into the club, like he knew something big was about to go down. Something he didn’t want to stick around for.

Sean turned and headed toward me, leaving Bryn and Veta staring after him. “Go ahead to my car,” he said. “I’ll get your amp.”

“I can help—just let me put my guitar away.”

He glanced over his shoulder and turned back to me, exhaling. “You don’t want to walk into that right now. Trust me.”

“We’re going to the same place. I’ve got to walk into it at some point.”

“Bryn’s having a party tonight. He’ll be distracted.”

And I’d rather get this over with
. “Thanks, but I’ll be fine.”

“Suit yourself.” He shook his head and moved past me toward the club.

My hand tightened around my guitar case handle, and I held my breath. The edge was close enough to taste, bitter and acidic in my throat. It wouldn’t take much to push me over now.

Bryn jabbed an accusing finger at me as I approached. “You’re out. I want you gone by the end of the month.”

His words slapped me in the face, making me freeze.

Veta held her hands up at him. “Bryn, not now, okay? We’ll deal with it tomorrow.”

Bryn tilted his chin up, rolling his eyes. “I’m gettin’ real tired of the Jasmine defense campaign.”

“I’m not defending her.” Veta kept her gaze down, away from me. Not that I blamed her. If I were her, I’d hate me too.

The midnight air probed at my skin, sending goose bumps up my bare arms. “I—I know I screwed up, but—”

“You lied and you took us down with you,” Bryn said. “I don’t give a fuck what your excuse is.”

I let my guitar case slip to the pavement and wrapped my arms around myself, holding tight. Every part of me wanted to scream, but I couldn’t. I had to hold it in, keep my cool. “I’m sorry—I really am. It wasn’t supposed to happen like this.”

“What did you expect, Jasmine?” Veta said. “Lying creates bad karma.”

I looked down at a flattened cigarette. It had a red lipstick stain around the filter, just like the ones Mom used to leave on the patio. “Karma had nothing to do with tonight. I wanted to be ready, but I wasn’t. I don’t have an excuse.”

Sean walked by with my amp, his cheeks flushed. He glanced at Veta and me before loading it in the van.

“So much for your hippie-dippy psychic intuition, huh, Veta?” Bryn let out a bitter chuckle. “Me and Sean called this on day one, and you said no, no, she can do it. Give her time to warm up to us.”

Sean hopped out of the van. “Bryn, come on.”

“I give people the benefit of the doubt,” Veta said. “So what?”

Bryn folded his arms. “Get your head out of your ass, Veta.”

“Stop talking to her like that,” I said.

Felix walked by with a bunch of cables, his eyes widening at me.

“Would you prefer I lie to her?” Bryn asked. “Is that what real friends do?”

“You’re crapping all over her for something I did.”

He waved me off. “I got nothing more to say to you, Jasmine. Go back to band camp or wherever you came from.”

I moved toward him. What did I have to lose anymore? “Having a rich uncle doesn’t make you God, Bryn. It just makes you a spoiled brat with a nice house and a cushy job you didn’t earn.”

“Oh my God,” Felix blurted out, covering his mouth.

Bryn’s eyes narrowed. “Are you seriously—”

“I’m not done,” I continued, the pressure in my chest ready to burst. “It doesn’t give you the right to talk to people the way you do or bark orders at the band like they’re your fucking employees.”

Bryn slammed his fist into the rear door of the van, making Felix jump back. “Do you ever shut up?
Do you?
”

Sean grabbed Bryn’s shoulder. “Chill, all right?”

Bryn shook him off. “You do not get to talk about me or my family, you got that?” He moved forward, staring me down. “You know dick about us!”

I wanted to push him down. I wanted to curl up in a ball and hide. I wanted to take it all back. Everything was sitting inside my throat, waiting to escape. “All I know is what I see.”

“And you know what I see?” He jabbed his finger at me again. “I see a—”

I knocked his hand away. “Get your finger out of my face.”

Veta stepped between us, her back to me. “Whoa, okay.” She nudged Bryn backward. “I think we’re done for tonight. Let’s just get out of here.”

Bryn moved around her. “I see an insecure little girl who’d rather pretend to have the chops than do what it takes to get them.”

The ache in my throat became unbearable. I felt like I was drowning, losing complete control of myself. I needed to get out of there. Now.

I snatched up my guitar case and jogged in the opposite direction, wincing at the stabbing pain in my feet.

Newton’s Whore and a few other people stood near the back entrance, watching. “Uh-oh—that doesn’t look good,” one of them said. Others laughed.

“Those boots weren’t made for running, sweetheart!” Amy said.

“Jesus—just leave the poor chick alone already,” a guy with long black hair said. Teddy. I didn’t need his pity.

“Jasmine!” Veta called. “Where are you going?”

I ducked behind a brick building, hoping she wouldn’t come after me this time. She didn’t.

A half moon illuminated only slivers of the alley ahead, and the air reeked of urine and sour meat. I walked faster, closing my eyes. My boot hit something glass. It shattered against a building, ringing through my ears.

My chest heaved, like I was going to vomit. I dropped my guitar case and sat down on it, running my fingers through my hair. A thudding drumbeat from the club and the hiss of cars were the only sounds filling the space around me.

I tried to scream, but my throat muscles tensed, letting out just a rush of air. It felt wrong to let go. Anyone could be lurking in the shadows. Anyone could hear me.

“Get it together,” I muttered to myself. “You have to get it together.”

I wanted to call Jason but my stuff, including my phone, was in Sean’s car. Because I had to wear this stupid dress. This stupid dress that was meant for someone else. And for what? To fit some ridiculous image Bryn had in his head? An image I’d never live up to.

Footsteps echoed down the alley. I jerked my head up and saw a lean figure walking toward me.

“Jasmine?” Sean called, the moonlight outlining his hat. He squinted at me as he approached. “What are you doing?”

I shielded my face with my hands, staring down at shards of glass and a Coke can. “I have no idea—isn’t that obvious?”

His boots stopped in front of me. A few seconds went by. Then he shifted his weight. “Are you crying?”

I looked up at him over my fingertips. “I don’t cry.”

The side of his mouth quirked up. “Right.”

“Honest. Not since I was five.”

He put his hands in his pockets and rolled the Coke can under his Doc. “Why’s that?”

“I just can’t.”

“Can’t or won’t?”

I looked away. “It doesn’t really matter, does it?”

He sighed. “Okay, tough girl. You ready to go?”

“I can walk. It’s fine.”
Barefoot if I have to
.

“It’s after midnight, Jasmine.”

I shrugged. “Good thing I’m not Cinderella.”

He squatted down, making our eyes level. “I’m not just going to leave you here.”

“I can take care of myself.”

“By sitting alone in a dark alley that smells like ass?”

I folded my arms, feeling a smile twitch at my lips. “Good point.” I met his gaze. “But you don’t have to play nice anymore. I’m out of the band.”

“Fine.” He stood up. “Quit being an idiot so we can get out of here. That better?”

“A little.”

He held out his hand. “Come on.”

I slipped my fingers through his and let him pull me up. Part of me wished we could hide in this smelly alley forever. At least then I wouldn’t have to face whatever came next.

My heart sped up
when Sean pulled into the West Cliff house driveway. It was just the two of us in the car. Everyone had already taken off by the time we came out of the alley.

Strange people mingled in the yard, and more cars than usual stretched down the street. The party had begun.

“They didn’t waste any time,” I said.

Sean yanked his keys from the ignition, twirling them around his finger. “Nope. They never do.”

My palms pressed into the cold leather seat. “Any chance I can spend the night in your car?”

“Only if you don’t mind your room becoming a cheap motel.”

“Seriously?”

“It’s been known to happen, yeah.”

“Great.” I tapped my fingers against my leg, biting my lip.

He rested his head against the seat, peering over at me. “You won’t have to deal with Bryn tonight, if that’s what you’re worried about. He’s probably already got his tongue down some chick’s throat.”

“It’s just…”
I’ve got nowhere to go. No money. No car. My best friend in the world is across the Pacific Ocean. My father hates me. And I probably just lost the first real girl friend I’ve ever had. Help me. I’m freaking out.
I looked down at my hands, swallowing that lump of reality. “Never mind.”

He studied me for a few seconds but didn’t say anything. I hugged myself and watched a couple of vivacious girls tackle a guy on the lawn.

“Hey,” he said finally.

I faced him. “Yeah?”

His lips parted but closed again, like whatever he saw in my expression made him clam up. He reached for the door handle. “You ready?”

“Yep.” I pushed the door open and got out.

Laughing people, booze, and clouds of smoke haunted most of the normally spacious living room. Skinny Puppy’s erratic “Pro-Test” growled out of Bryn’s surround-sound system. Parties weren’t my thing. Too loud. Too much talking. Too much…everything.

“Sean!” A sprite of a girl threw her arms around him. “Ha, got you before you could sneak upstairs. You were
awesome
tonight.”

He returned the hug. “Thanks.”

I scanned the crowd, looking for the quickest path of escape.

“And I love the hat,” the girl continued. She plucked his fedora off and put it over her short dark hair. “Can I have it?”

Sean gave her a playful smile. “Only if you give it back.”

She batted her eyelashes. “Of course.”

“This is Hazel,” Sean said, nudging me. “Best mastering engineer on the planet and one of our biggest fans.”

She grabbed my arm, giving it a little squeeze. “My heart went out to you tonight, sweetie. Been there, done that. But it’s nothin’ a beer and a little nookie won’t cure.”

Right
. “Um…thanks.” I forced my lips into a smile. Guess word hadn’t gotten around that I was no longer in the band.

She dropped my arm and started talking to Sean about a singer named Amph and his large ego. I kept hoping he’d turn to me and ask if I wanted to escape and hide out upstairs.

A guy moved in front of me, handing Sean a beer. “What’s up, man? Long time, no see.”

“Hey,” Sean’s voice rose. “Did you make it out to the show?”

So much for that fantasy.

I slipped away, moving toward the kitchen. I needed water. Bad. Most people I passed seemed to look right through me, but a couple gave me smirks or dirty looks. Felix danced around the couch with a bag of Doritos, and Bryn nuzzled up to the blonde who’d dropped by rehearsal the other day. Veta was nowhere to be seen.

A few people milled around the kitchen, mixing drinks and eating corn chips and salsa. The corn chips I bought for
me
.

“Is that her?” a girl whispered behind me.

“Shh,” hissed another, giggling.

I snatched a water bottle off the island, tore the cap off, and chugged. Then I speed-dialed Jason.

It rang. And rang.

I exhaled, closing my eyes.

Jason’s cheery recorded voice answered. “You’ve reached Jason. Spill it.”
Beep.

“I screwed up. Bad.” I slumped against the island, shielding my mouth. “They kicked me out, Jason.” A girl squealed a laugh loud enough to break every dish in the kitchen. I considered dousing her with the rest of my water. “I miss you…so much. Call me when you get this. Please.”

“Hey,” a male voice said.

I looked up, hoping to see Sean. But a guy with spiky black hair stared down at me. With an off-kilter nose and plump lips, he was what Jason and I would call quirky-cute. “Um, hi?” I straightened.

His hazel eyes flicked to my chest for the quickest second. Slick. “How’s it going?”

“It’s going. Did you…need something?”

“Yeah.” He grinned. “You’re standing between me and my SoCo.”

“Oh, sorry.” I moved away, folding my arms. “Wait, your—what?”

He reached over and held up a bottle of Southern Comfort. “Bottled apathy.”

“Bad day?”

He poured the amber liquid into a shot glass, pursing his lips. “You could say that. Got suckered into working the late shift. Missed my friend’s show. And then got fired.” He checked his cell. “Twenty minutes ago.”

“Ah. I got fired from my band.”

He handed me a shot glass and poured, nearly overflowing it. “What’s your name?”

“Jasmine. Yours?”

“Kirt.” He raised his glass. “Cheers, Jasmine.”

We clinked glasses and he downed his, closing his eyes.

I stared at the liquid wobbling in my shaky hand. I’d never gotten drunk before—just a little buzzed off Jason’s mom’s wine coolers and some Boone’s Farm his boyfriend brought over once. But apathy sounded pretty damn good right now.

I brought the glass to my lips and downed it. Well, more like choked on it. The stuff felt like battery acid oozing down my throat and esophagus. “Whoa,” I croaked, hand on my chest.

Kirt laughed, pouring himself another shot. “Guess I forgot to mention—it’s a little strong.”

Heat moved into my cheeks. “Yeah.” I coughed.

A group of loud people, one of them Felix, made their way into the kitchen, debating which brand of macaroni and cheese tasted the best. I gave Felix a weak smile and said hi, but he turned away, continuing his conversation.

Kirt snatched up the bottle. “How about we take this outside?”

A heavy feeling settled in my stomach. “Sure.”

We went out the back entrance and ended up sitting against the outside wall of the studio, the bottle of Southern Comfort between us. Part of me knew this wasn’t the greatest idea. That part told me to go up to my room, close my eyes, and pretend tonight never happened.

But I’d just lie there, feeling the throb of music below me, going over every mistake I made on that stage tonight. Again and again. Wondering if I just lost the best opportunity I’d ever be given. And then I’d think about tomorrow.

I couldn’t deal with tomorrow.

Kirt lit a cigarette and blew a trail of smoke into the darkness. “So, what band were you in?”

I took a swig from the bottle, wincing. “The one I’m not in anymore.” He was obviously one of the few people here who didn’t see my disaster of a performance. Why fill him in?

“Okay then.”

I rested my head against the wall, staring up at the clear night sky. “Why’d you get fired?”

“Got caught hooking up with the boss.”

A giggle escaped my throat. “Really?”

He stretched his legs, taking a long drag. Then he laughed, sending puffs of smoke out his nose. “No. This dick stiffed me on a tip after him and his family of, like, eighty stunk up the place for two hours. Then he comes back in and asks me for directions to 17. I told him to shove it.”

For some reason, I found this really funny. Enough to catch the attention of the couple making out on the lawn. I covered my mouth.

His eyebrows rose. “Getting a little buzzed there?”

“No, I’m good.” And I was. A little hot and lightheaded, but still with it. I could probably stand on one foot and touch my finger to my nose. “Where in town do you live?”

“Why?” He scooted closer, his shoulder touching mine. “You wanna come stalk me?”

“Oh, you wish.” I took another drink. It tasted like maple syrup with a bitter kick.

“I’m staying with my parents in Scotts Valley. It’s temporary.” Kirt flicked his cigarette and grabbed the bottle from me. He started going on about his nagging dad and his pushover mom. How he’d be getting an apartment with a friend soon—once he found another job.

I took a few more sips, thinking about my dad. He’d have a fit if he saw me right now, and then he’d wave his finger and say, “I knew it. I knew you’d end up just like her.” Because he was always right. Dad knew
everything
.

My feet felt numb. I stared down at Tina’s black boots. “I want to throw these boots into the ocean.”

“Why don’t you?” Kirt’s hot breath, ripe with menthols and booze, hit my ear.

I cocked my head, grinning up at him. “They’re not mine.”

“So?”

“It wouldn’t be very nice.” I untied the left one, ripping out the laces. Then I hurled it onto the lawn, nearly hitting the kissing couple. “Oops.” My chest heaved with giggles.

Kirt reached over and unlaced the right one. “I won’t tell.” He yanked the boot off. “So where do you live?”

“Nowhere. Everyone keeps kicking me out.”

He laughed, pressing his arm harder into mine.

The stars blurred into a soapy film, masking the sky. “It’s not funny.”

“Aw, I’m sorry.” His lips brushed against my neck. “You smell really good—you know that?”

I shoved him away. “Don’t.”

He leaned toward my ear again. “Don’t what?”

I pushed him back again, but my arm felt like it weighed a hundred pounds. “Just stay over there—on your side.”

“My
side
?”

A pair of scruffy black Converse shoes stopped in front of us. “Hey, Kirt—what are you doing, man?” the owner asked.

My eyes moved up, meeting Bryn’s smug face. Not who I wanted to see.

Kirt raised our bottle. “Just chillin’ with, uh…” He looked over at me.

“Jasmine,” Bryn said.

“You two know each other?” Kirt asked.

“That’s who kicked me out.” I snapped my fingers. “Just like that. No regrets.”

“She’s wasted,” Bryn said to someone next to him.

“No, I’m not. I know where I am, who I am.” But I couldn’t control a damn thing that came out of my mouth.

“She’s fine,” Kirt said.

Sean knelt in front of me, his brow crinkled. “Get lost, Kirt.”

“Oh look, it’s Veta’s kid brother.” Kirt flicked a lit cigarette at Sean’s knee, chuckling. “You still afraid of cigarettes?”

Bryn grabbed Kirt’s arm, pulling him up. “Come on, Lushy McGee. Let’s go.”

“What? Why?” Kirt asked.

Bryn led him away, talking in a low voice.

I buried my face in my knees. My head felt like it was floating and spinning at the same time.

“I’ve been looking all over for you,” Sean said.

I tilted my head up. “Why?”

“Found her other boot on the lawn,” Felix said, dropping it in front of me.

Where the hell did he come from?

Sean picked up the Southern Comfort, sloshing the alcohol around inside. It was more than half empty. “Jesus, Jasmine. How much of this did you drink?”

“I don’t know—a few sips.”

“Right.” He handed it off to Felix.

Felix scrunched up his face—at least I thought he did. “How bad is she?”

“Oh my God,” I said. “I’m not in inventive care—intensive. Whatever.”

Sean studied me like I was his friggin’ patient. “Bad enough to nuzzle up with Lushy McGee.”

“Ew.” Felix held up the bottle. “I’m gonna put this away. I’ll be right back.” He headed inside.

“I didn’t nuzzle up with anyone.”

“Then what were you doing out here?” Sean asked.

“Talking.” I ran my fingers through my tangled hair. “It’s not like anyone else will talk to me.”

Sean sat down, draping his arms over his knees. “I was talking to you. You disappeared.”

“I needed to call Jason.”

“Who’s Jason?”

“My best friend. He’s like my family—my only family.” I looked at my cell phone in my lap. It stared back, green and silent. “But he didn’t answer.”

“Try him again. Does he have a car?”

“Yeah. Why?”

“Ask him to come by.”

I laughed, imagining Jason doing the butterfly stroke across the Pacific Ocean. “Yeah, right.”

Sean shrugged. “What—he won’t drive an hour to help you out?”

“That’d be kinda hard from Maui.”

Sean’s mouth opened, but Felix returned, squatting next to him.

“Where’s Veta?” Felix asked.

“She said she was going to the beach with some people.” Sean rubbed his temple. “One of her bonfire things—I dunno.”

“Maybe we should call her,” Felix said. “She kind of knows her better.”

I waved a hand in front of his face. “Hello? I’m sitting right here. You can talk to
me
.”

“I know.” He still wouldn’t look at me.

“I’m not a bad person, okay?” The words flew out of my mouth faster than I could think. “I tried tonight. I really did. I’m always trying.”

“Um…” Felix bit his thumbnail.

“I’ve got this,” Sean said, nodding behind him. “Go find Samantha.”

Felix crinkled his nose. “You sure?”

“Yeah, yeah. It’s cool. Nothing I haven’t dealt with before.”

Felix patted him on the back and shot me a quick glance as he stood. “Feel better, Jasmine.” He ran back to the house like he couldn’t get away fast enough.

“I’m not drunk.”

Sean smirked. “Then you’re a great actress.”

“I’ve been around drunk people. They slur, and they act like morons, and they puke everywhere.”

“And let me guess—you’ve never been drunk before?”

“Nope.” I moved to my knees and stood slowly. “See, I’m fi—whoa.” I thrust my hand against the wall, balancing myself. “Okay, maybe a little dizzy.”

Sean got up and wrapped his arm around me. “You’re kind of a klutz sober too.”

I moved away, leaning against the wall. “Shut up.”

“You feel like watching a movie? I got a bunch on my computer.”