Among Wildflowers (12 page)

Macy made her way down the sidewalk.
Hot tears were streaming down her face, anxiety and hurt barreling through her whole being. The sounds of the street were almost too much. There were horns blaring, cab drivers yelling at each other, busy people in suits rushing with their cells glued to their ears—it was all so overwhelming. She needed to find her peace. Her head was spinning and her gut was twisted with all the shame and humiliation she’d harbored about herself over her lifetime. Logan was right. She was a failure.

As she made her way down the street she felt the same familiar sensation wash over her as she passed by a certain storefront. She skidded on her heels and stopped at the window. Ads for various new drinks hung prominently. Macy closed her eyes as she tried to implement all the things she’d learned in therapy. Alcohol had always felt like it had been there for her. Of course, at Tall Oaks she’d learned that wasn’t true. But still, the sensation of just needing a drink to feel normal again ran rampant through her bloodstream. Just one drink and maybe she wouldn’t feel so shameful. What did it matter anyway? What had she gained by becoming sober? Logan certainly seemed to think the whole thing was asinine. Without a second thought, Macy pushed open the front door, the bell of the door jingling happily, invoking a familiar sensation of feeling like she belonged. She knew exactly what she wanted and headed straight for the back corner of the tiny store where her favorite brand of whiskey sat. Grabbing the bottle, she headed to the register.

“Well, hey, stranger,” the woman at the counter said as Macy approached.

“Hey, Denise,” Macy said, embarrassment coloring her cheeks.

“Haven’t seen you for a while. Your man still work down the street?”

“Yep,” Macy said.

“Well, enjoy. See you soon.”

“Thanks,” Macy said, shoving the bottle in her purse before darting out of the store.

Feeling like a criminal, she flagged down a cab and gave the driver the address of the hotel she’d booked on the way over to see Logan. Her heart pounded with excitement at the thought of the bottle of booze buried in her purse. When the cab finally pulled up to the curb and the driver had been paid, she practically leapt from the vehicle and rushed inside the hotel.

Adrenaline coursed through her veins as she speed-walked through the lobby. She cracked her knuckles and paced inside the elevator as she waited for what felt like an eternity to reach her floor. When the car dinged to announce its arrival, she sucked in a trembling breath of air and hurried to her door. Swinging the door open, she pulled the bottle out of her purse, tossing it aside, and sat down heavily on the bed. Inspecting the bottle, various feelings began to flood her system: excitement, relief, anxiety, apprehension, but mostly the shame that she’d been carrying around for so long.

She removed the cap and brought the bottle to her nose. So good, felt like home. That familiar, sharp scent invaded her senses. She loved the way it smelled kind of sweet and smoky, but being away from it for so long made the scent much more pungent than she remembered. She brought the bottle to her mouth, a mere quarter inch from her lips.

“No,” she said to herself, quickly putting the cap back on. “No. I’m not going to do that. I’m stronger than that.”

Striding over to the sink, she put the bottle in the trash can that sat on the floor and walked away.

***

Ryland lounged on the couch, nodding his head along with the beat of the music, tapping his fingers against his knee.

“Yeah, man, I’m loving that,” Ryland said. “It’s perfect.”

“Yeah?” Elliot smiled. “Awesome. I think this sound is perfect with the lyrics you’ve been working on.”

Ryland picked up his guitar again. “Let’s take it from the top.”

“You got it,” Elliott said.

Ryland waited for Elliot to play the accompanying music before he joined in with the guitar. He tapped his foot and nodded along, feeling the music flow through him. It felt so damn good to be playing again. He hadn’t realized just how much he’d missed it until
now. He hummed along, feeling the song out before he began to sing.

Both of us lost among wildflowers

How lucky we met lost in that field

Our lives have crossed

Among wildflowers

Our love’s tender kiss

Has been sealed.

Ryland stopped, his eyes darting between the two men. “What do you think so far?”

“I think this song is gonna be big. Love ballad of the year. Move over, Rascal Flatts,” Tom said, leaning back in his chair. “Any ideas for the title?”

Elliot piped up. “I was thinking ‘You Walked into my Life.’”

“What about ‘Shattered’, what do you think, Ryland?”

Ryland smiled, shaking his head. “No way, guys. I know exactly what we’re going to call this one. ‘Among Wildflowers.’”

***

Macy was crouched on the bathroom floor, blood everywhere. Her clothes were covered in it and it was smeared all over the white tiles. People were banging on door loudly, but she ignored them. Instead, she sat with her back against the wall and took a big swig from the bottle of Jack she had kept hidden in her equipment bag. Everyone one else could go screw themselves.

“Macy, Macy!” Lane yelled through the door. “I swear to God if you don’t open this door right this minute I’m going to kick it down!”

“Do it then!” Macy yelled back. Taking another big drink, she let her head fall back. She numbly inspected the ceiling. She wanted to kill herself. She wanted this pain, this constant anxiety, to be over. She couldn’t handle one more minute of it. But of course, she didn’t have the strength or follow-through to get the job done. No surprise there. Instead, she’d just made a big mess in the bathroom for no reason. She sat and wondered what she was going to do with herself now. She’d surely lost her job. She laughed when she pictured Brandon’s face when he found out.

“Macy Ferris?”

She looked at the door, not recognizing the voice, then shrugged and turned away again.

“Macy, this is the police department. Please open the door.”

She laughed again, downing the remaining liquid in the bottle before throwing it at the door. Then she smiled to herself and waited for them to kick down the door.

***

Macy sat on the floor of bathroom. Again. Her eyes were fixated on the open bottle of whiskey on the bathroom sink. Beside the bottle was a glass half full of the beloved liquid, untouched. She ran her fingers through her hair. It would be okay to have just one drink. Lots of people could have just one drink. Lots of people could casually sip a glass of whiskey, just to take the edge off. Didn’t breaking up with your boyfriend and having him tell you what an embarrassment you were qualify for one stinking drink? She could probably handle it.

Bringing her knees to her chest, she rested her forehead against them. No. No she couldn’t handle it. What was wrong with her? She had been so strong since Tall Oaks. Why fall apart now? Maybe she wasn’t as strong as she had thought. Patrice hadn’t been strong enough to handle it. The whole time Macy had been at Tall Oaks she had wished for support and love and understanding from Logan. After Aunt Suzy died, he was the only thing she had left. Tall Oaks had hosted two family days while she was there. Group therapy had been incredibly hard for her to handle. One girl about her age had both her parents come to visit. Macy had watched as the three of them cried together, arms wrapped around one another. A guy in his mid-forties had his young daughter by his side. During group she had yelled at him, told him how his being an addict had ruined her life. How his bipolar disorder had torn their family apart. But then he’d cried and told her how sorry he was. That he was changing his life around, he’d stay on his meds and he would be there for her always from then on. Then they had held each other. It was beautiful and touching, but it made Macy feel horribly empty because Logan
hadn’t come. She’d never felt so alone before.

Until this very moment, sitting on the cold bathroom floor, in her crappy hotel room, staring at a bottle of booze that was mocking her.

She let her head loll back against the wall, closing her eyes. So what if Logan didn’t support her. It shouldn’t matter. She was the only person she had to lean on. And Lane. But as amazing a friend as he was, even he didn’t truly understand what she was going through. Since she had gotten out of Tall Oaks there had actually been only one person who even remotely got her. The way Ryland had looked at Macy when she told him she was sober was different. Most people looked horribly awkward and uncomfortable, but he hadn’t. His eyes hadn’t shown pity or morbid curiosity. He hadn’t felt sorry for her.

But meeting Ryland Quinn was just a cruel twist of fate. How she wished she didn’t think about him so much. She feared the connection she felt to him was just her addictive personality coming out. But she wouldn’t bring a good man like Ryland down by getting involved with him. When he’d kissed her and said all those beautiful things, she had wanted nothing more than to get lost in him, even for a little bit. But he was still healing from losing Isabelle and he didn’t need a royal fuck-up like Macy Ferris in his life.

Quickly jumping to her feet, she grabbed the bottle and glass and threw them into the sink, sending shards of glass in every direction, the pungent smell wafting up her nostrils. She wouldn’t let him ruin his life because of her. She would just have to do her best to forget about him. But it wouldn't be easy.

“Are you insane?”
Brandon paced the length of his office, fists clenched at his sides. “I’m not even trying to make a joke. I mean, honestly, have you lost your goddamned mind?”

“It’s really not a big deal, Brandon,” Macy said. “I mean, it’s really not.”

“It’s not a big deal?” Brandon put his hands on his hips, nodding and pursing his lips. “Well, that’s a relief. Because I could have sworn that pictures being leaked of you and Ryland Quinn out at a bar together would be a big deal. Guess I was mistaken.”

“I know it looks kind of bad but…” Macy looked down at the magazine that was lying on Brandon’s desk. OK magazine had a shot of Ryland and Macy sitting at the bar together, holding hands. It had been taken during the moment that Macy had told Ryland about her past. The article seemed innocent enough.
NEW LOVE INTEREST? SPECULATION SURROUNDS QUINN ABOUT MYSTERY WOMAN.

“If people figure out it’s you in the photo, we’re screwed.”

“I’m not a celebrity, I’m a photographer.”

Brandon nodded for a moment, choosing his words. “Did you suddenly forget what happened a few months ago?”

“Of course not, Brandon. You don’t have to be an ass.”

“Well, congratulations, Macy. You became a celebrity. You were the A-List celebrity photographer who went off the deep end. If people find out that Ryland Quinn was on a date with you, it’ll completely screw this entire thing.”

“I’m sorry.”

“We were going to be the first to break a big Ryland Quinn story, and now this shit has taken that away. As long as your identity remains unknown, our story will still be big. But, damn, Mace.”

“I know.”

Brandon put his hands on the desk, groaning. “Macy, I am really, really trying here.”

“Brandon—”

He put his hand up to silence her. “Anyone else, I would have canned a long time ago. I have put up with a lot of shit because I believe in you. I think you’re an incredible photographer and I have you to thank for countless amazing articles. You and Lane are a strong team, and I don’t want to let go of that.”

“I don’t want to go, Brandon, please don’t fire me.”

“I’m not going to fire you... today. I hope I never have to. Macy, I care about you. I’m so proud of you for getting help. I can see already how much better you are. I think you’re on the path to recovery and that’s great. But that’s not going to happen if you keep making stupid decisions. A bar? Really, Macy?”

Macy groaned, throwing her head back. “I know, I know.”

“You went to a bar alone with a man who wasn’t your boyfriend?”

“I know,” she said again. “I wasn’t thinking. And... Logan’s not my boyfriend anymore.”

“What?” Brandon’s mouth fell open slightly before he snapped it shut again quickly. “Interesting.”

“Yeah, well, I’m so sorry about this. I swear to you I’m getting my act together. But let me hang on for a little bit longer and I’ll prove it to you.”

“I hope you do, Mace.”

Macy left the room quickly, guilt lying heavily inside her gut. She rounded the corner to head down the hall to her tiny office. She took deep breaths, quietly repeating her calming mantra over and over again, working hard to bring down the panic that was rising quickly inside. Grasping the handle, she swung the door open to find a man sitting at her desk. She let out a tiny yelp in surprise. No one ever came to see her at work.

The man stood quickly, towering over her. Macy gasped, covering her mouth with her hands as Ryland pulled off a stupid looking fedora and huge aviator sunglasses. Gone were his cowboy style clothes. They were replaced with a button-down white shirt, slacks, and a light jacket.

Macy shot a quick glance back down the hall before shutting the door quickly. “What... I mean... What are you doing here?” she whispered.

“I... wanted to see you.”

Her chest tightened with excitement and euphoria at his words.

“I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you. I know I shouldn’t be here... Logan…”

“We broke up.”

His eyebrows rose momentarily. “Oh, I’m... sorry…”

She shook her head quickly. “It’s for the best. We’ve been over a long time. I just realized I needed to end it for good.”

“Macy –”

“No, don’t say anything, Ryland. You shouldn’t be here.”

“Why not? This is exactly where I should be. With you.”

Macy covered her heart with her hands. “No. It’s not where you should be. You need to be far, far away from me.”

“Don’t say that,” Ryland said, closing the distance between them. “Don’t tell me I shouldn’t be here with you when I know in my heart I should.”

“Ryland, please—“

He cut off her words by trying to kiss her. He dipped his head, and pulled her close, grasping her upper arms gently.

“No, Ryland.”

He released her instantly, hurt flashing in his eyes.

She rubbed her forehead for a moment, hand on her hip. “Listen. There’s a picture of us in a magazine.”

He surprised her by grinning. “I know. I saw that.”

“No, you don’t understand. My boss is pissed. Beyond pissed. If people find out that the person you were seen at a bar with was the lunatic photographer, both our careers could be even more tarnished than they already are. Not to mention Brandon is freaked that this will hurt the story about you we’re getting ready to drop.”

“No one will find out. Don’t worry.”

“You don’t know that, Ryland. While my face was splashed all over the media for going crazy at a high-profile photo shoot, you were out on your ranch, purposely ignoring the media. You have no idea how big a deal it was. Even I have been in denial about it. Do you honestly not understand how screwed up I am? Don’t get involved with me, please.”

“Macy, do you not think I’m strong enough for you?”

She was taken aback by that. She shook her head and patted her chest lightly with an open palm. “No,
I’m
not strong enough. Some days it feels like I’m not strong enough to do anything right. I would never put you through that.”

“Then let me be strong enough for both of us.”

She covered her mouth and squeezed her eyes shut as tears threatened to emerge. “Don’t say that.”

“Macy, just give us a chance. Just get to know me a little bit—”

“No, that’s the thing. I already know you too much. I already know that you’re everything I’d ever want in a man. You’re perfect. Which is exactly why you’re so wrong. I don’t deserve someone like you.”

He pulled her to him, holding her tightly. “Don’t say things like that, Macy.”

She pushed him away, looking up into his eyes. “One day you’d realize that my baggage was too much for you. The burden would prove to be too much to carry and you’d let me go. I don’t think I could handle that. Believe me, it’s for the best that we stay away from each other.”

Ryland ran his hands through his hair. “Just a step at a time. I’m not asking for a lot. Coffee. Go have coffee with me sometime. Let me take you out to dinner, anything.”

“Ryland,” she said softly. “I just broke up with Logan. I might lose my job. I... I can’t stop thinking about you. But it’s not right…”

“Things are hard right now. I respect that. I’ll give you some space. But I’m not going to leave you alone.”

Pulling her to him gently, he pressed a soft kiss on her forehead before turning and leaving.

Macy let the tears fall. Ryland had no idea how wrong he was. He thought he was being sweet and gallant, he didn’t realize what he was dealing with. But he would figure it out soon enough, which was why she was going to save them both a lot of heartache.