American Rhapsody (5 page)

He ignored her the next day. The day after that, she waited all day for him, but he never came around Leon's office. She stayed late with some others, still waiting for him, among them the president's secretary, Betty Currie. They ordered a pizza. When the pizza arrived, she went down to Betty's office to tell her it was there.

She saw him then, finally, talking to some people. He didn't even glance at her. Betty came back to Leon's office, and so did the others who were working late. One of them bumped into Monica and smeared pizza all over her new red jacket. She went into the bathroom to clean it off, and when she came out, Handsome was standing in the doorway of Betty's office, as though he'd been waiting for her.

“You can come out this way, kiddo,” Handsome said, smiling, and he led her into the Oval Office, toward his private study.

He stopped her in the hallway, where there were no windows, and kissed her. He felt her body with his hands.

“You've got such a beautiful smile,” he said.

She asked him why he hadn't called her at home.

“What about your parents?”

“It's okay. I've got my own line. You don't have to worry. I told you—I've done this before.”

He kissed her again, feeling her, pulling her closer to Willard.

“I bet you don't even remember my name,” she said.

He grinned and said, “What kind of a name is Lewinsky, anyway?”

“Jewish.”

He started to kiss her again, and she said, “I'd better go. They're going to wonder where I am.” She wanted to show him that she was on his side, that she didn't want anyone to get suspicious.

He grinned. “Why don't you go get me a couple slices of pizza?”

She went back to Leon's outer office and grabbed two slices of vegetarian pizza. When she returned, Betty Currie was sitting at her desk outside the Oval Office. She told Betty that he'd asked her to bring him some pizza. Betty opened the door to the Oval Office and said, “Sir, the girl's here with the pizza.”

She went inside, and he led her back to the hallway and started kissing her again. He unbuttoned her blouse and he kissed her breasts. She unbuttoned his shirt and she kissed his chest. She felt him suck his stomach in. She said, “Oh, you don't have to do that—I like your tummy.”

Betty Currie was suddenly at the door leading to the hallway. They froze.

“Sir,” Betty Currie said. “You've got that call you were expecting.”

He said, “Thank you, Betty.” His voice was hoarse.

He led her into the bathroom off the hallway—it was dark in there—and he picked up the telephone. He was speaking to another congressman about Bosnia. As he spoke, he unbuttoned his fly and Willard came out to see her. She knelt down and . . . He pushed her head away and made her stop again.

“Please, just let me finish.”

“No. I told you. I don't know you well enough.”

She didn't understand the distinction; he knew her well enough to let her nurture Willard, but he didn't know her well enough to let her bring Willard to closure.

He told her again that she had “a beautiful smile” and “great energy.”

“I'm usually around on the weekends, when there's hardly anybody here,” he said. “You can come see me, kiddo.”

“Okay.” She smiled. “Call me.”

“I will.”

He didn't call her. She saw him in the corridors sometimes and he smiled and said hi, but he always called her “kiddo.”

Late in November, she went to see Betty Currie. She asked Betty whether she'd pass a necktie on to him if she got one. She explained about her jobs at the Knot Shops and told Betty how much she'd always loved ties. Betty said sure.

She bought a beautiful hand-painted, hand-stitched Zegna and gave it to Betty for him. A few days later, Betty told her he'd loved the tie so much that he'd had himself photographed wearing it and that he was going to give her a picture.

Early in December, she was walking through the West Wing, when she saw him with a group of people. He turned away from them when he noticed her and said, “Did you get the picture of me in that tie?” She told him no and walked away. Later that day, Betty called her at her desk and asked her to come over. Betty told her to go into the Oval Office so he could sign the picture for her.

As soon as she walked in, he said, “God, you look really skinny.” She knew she wasn't skinny. She'd never been skinny. She'd never
be
skinny. But she was trying
s-o-o-o
hard to lose weight and he was
s-o-o-o
sweet to say it. He gave her the picture of him wearing the tie and signed it for her. Betty came in then.

Monica said, “Thank you, Mr. President.”

He said, “Okay, kiddo,” and then she left.

She told her mother and her aunt Debra and her friends that she was falling in love with him. They didn't take her seriously. If nothing else, she thought, Handsome was getting her over Andy Bleiler. Finally. She knew that women sometimes needed one man to get over another, but she'd never thought that it would take the president of the United States to get her over Andy.

[3]

The Uproar Is Deafening

“Every President,” Monica said to Linda Tripp, “every President we have ever had has always had lovers because the pressure of the job is too much. Too much! Too much to always rely on your wife, with whom you have too much baggage—which you inevitably will if you get to that point.”

T
he Comeback Kid knew this one was going to be tough. The uproar from this would hurt his ears. Turning down the new hearing aid he'd recently gotten at Bethesda wouldn't help. The uproar would be loud and painful, louder than the uproar over . . .

O.J.'s acquittal . . . Nixon's tapes . . . Gennifer's tapes . . . Carter's attempt to free the hostages . . . Chappaquiddick . . . Ford pardoning Nixon . . . Bob Packwood's diary . . . Tyson biting Holyfield . . . Vince and Hillary . . . Nixon and Bebe Rebozo . . . Ronald Reagan and Selena Walters . . . Bob Dole and Meredith Roberts . . . Nelson Rockefeller and Megan Marshack . . . Nancy Reagan's “three-hour lunches” with Frank Sinatra . . . Nixon and Bob Abplanalp . . .

Jimmy Carter's chief of staff, Hamilton Jordan, grabbing at the front of the dress of the wife of the Egyptian ambassador and saying, “I've always wanted to see the Pyramids” . . . Hamilton Jordan spilling a drink of amaretto and cream down a young woman's dress at a Georgetown bar . . . Elton John saying Keith was “a monkey with arthritis trying to go onstage and look young” . . . Tip O'Neill saying George McGovern was “nominated by the cast of
Hair
” . . . Donald Trump saying, “I have seen Darryl Hannah on many occasions and she is simply in need of a shower or bath” . . . Senator John McCain saying Newt Gingrich's poll numbers were “worse than mass murderer Jeffrey Dahmer's” . . . Prince and Kim Basinger . . .

Bush throwing up on the Japanese prime minister . . . LBJ saying, “Gentlemen, I've got a hard-on for the presidency” . . . Dukakis wearing that silly helmet in the tank . . . Hugh Grant and Divine Brown . . . Carter admitting “lust in his heart” . . . Nancy whispering into Reagan's ear . . . George Bush and Jennifer Fitzgerald . . . Ford falling down all the time . . . Bob Packwood singing Sinatra songs . . . George Bush commenting on his television debate with Geraldine Ferraro, saying, “We tried to kick a little ass last night” . . . Carl Bernstein and Elizabeth Taylor . . . Bob Dylan and Elizabeth Taylor . . .

Hustler
's selection of Jerry Falwell as “Asshole of the Month” . . . J. Edgar Hoover and sixteen-year-old boys . . . LBJ picking women out of crowds, his aides pimping for him . . . Jimmy Carter's poems . . . LBJ stealing furniture from the White House and flying it to his ranch . . . Eddie Murphy and the transvestite . . . George Bush saying, “Read my lips—no new taxes” . . . Dick Morris and Sherry Rowlands . . . JFK using Judith Exner as his bagman to the mob . . . LBJ staggering drunk and cussing up a storm in the White House . . . Jack Kemp's time-shared Lake Tahoe apartment . . . Joan Kennedy's life . . . Eugene McCarthy's poems . . . Geraldo and Marion Javits . . . Ike and Kay Summersby . . . Vince Foster's suicide note . . . JFK and Marilyn in that loft above the attorney general's office . . . LBJ lifting his dogs up by the ears . . . George Bush examining a price scanner at a grocery store . . .

Barney Frank and Steve Gobie . . . Ruth Carter Stapleton and Larry Flynt . . . Paula Jones's nose . . . Bobby and Marilyn . . . Dustin Hoffman saying about Carl Bernstein, “I understand why Carl did so well on Watergate. Carl is essentially a fuckup and he has to fail, and Nixon is a fuckup and he has to fail, so Carl could always understand Nixon” . . . the videotape of Peter Jennings blowing his nose onto the ground . . . Jimmy Carter picking his nose in that photograph . . . Iowa senator Tom Harkin blowing his nose without a handkerchief on C-SPAN . . . Pat Buchanan saying, “Congress is Israeli-occupied territory” . . . Texas gubernatorial candidate Clayton Williams comparing bad weather and rape: “If it's inevitable, relax and enjoy it” . . . Bob Kerrey telling Bill Clinton that joke on C-SPAN: “Jerry Brown walks into a bar and sees two hot women. A guy in the bar says to him, ‘Don't waste your time, Governor; they're dykes.' Brown says, ‘How do you know?' The guy says, ‘They like going down on each other.' Brown says, ‘I like that, too. Does that make me a dyke?' ” . . .

LBJ ordering Marine Corps helicopters to herd the peacocks on his ranch . . . JFK doing three hookers at a time in his hotel suites . . . LBJ saying, “I don't trust a man until I have his pecker in my pocket” . . . Spiro Agnew saying, “If you've seen one city slum, you've seen them all” . . . Ronald Reagan saying, “If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all” . . . the picture of Gary Hart and Donna Rice . . . Barry Goldwater saying, “This country would be better off if we could saw off the Eastern Seaboard and let it float out to sea” . . . Dole falling off the stage . . . Ford drunk on
Air Force One
on the way back from Russia . . . Ford saying, “There is no Soviet domination of Eastern Europe,” while Russian forces were stationed there . . .

Wayne Hayes and Elizabeth Ray . . . Houston mayoral candidate Louie Welch saying the way to control AIDS was to “shoot the queers” . . . LBJ explaining to reporters why we were in Vietnam by unzipping himself, taking out his willard, and saying, “This is why” . . . Roseanne's crotch grab after singing the national anthem . . . George Bush, with a guitar emblazoned
THE PREZ
, jamming on stage at his inaugural ball . . . Ted Danson in blackface at Whoopi's roast . . . Gerry Ford, after a long martini lunch, skipping several dozen pages of a speech . . . A Nancy Reagan aide, refusing to schedule a meeting between the First Lady and a child with muscular dystrophy, saying, “Absolutely not. The First Lady doesn't want her picture taken with some drooly kid on a respirator.” . . .

What Sally Field did to Burt Reynolds in
Playboy
 . . . George Hamilton and Lynda Bird Johnson . . . Roger Mudd's interview with Ted Kennedy . . . Reagan saying, “Keeping up with my opponent's promises is like reading Playboy magazine while your wife turns the pages” . . . Dole on TV with his Exercycle, wearing shorts, a dress shirt, and French cuffs . . . Betty Ford, drunk, being carried off
Air Force One
 . . . Nixon and Kissinger kneeling together, praying . . . Melissa Etheridge, Julie Cypher, and David Crosby's sperm . . . LBJ turning to the side and taking a whiz at an outdoor press conference . . . LBJ telling a tailor, “I need some more goddamn ball room in these pants” . . . Nixon walking on the beach with his wing-tip cordovans . . . Reagan falling asleep during cabinet meetings.

Gerry Ford's flatulence . . . Pat Buchanan saying, “Women are less equipped psychologically to stay the course in the brawling arenas of business, commerce, industry, and the professions” . . . Gary Hart telling the media, “Follow me—I don't care if anybody wants to put a tail on me. Go ahead. They'd be bored” . . . LBJ displaying his gallbladder and kidney-stone surgery scars for the cameras . . . Jimmy Carter holding Joan Kennedy's hand as Rosalynn kept her eye on his . . . LBJ's three Texan secretaries, none of whom knew how to type . . . Quayle using the spelling “potatoe” and “beakon” . . . Carter using the White House stairs as his jogging track . . . LBJ smoking cigarettes with the presidential seal on them . . . Michael Jackson and his chimp . . . Roxanne Pulitzer and her trumpet . . . Alfred Bloomingdale and Vicki Morgan . . .

Wilbur Mills and Fanne Fox . . . Dan Rather saying, “Courage” . . . Haldeman and Ehrlichman . . . David Geffen and Keanu Reeves . . . Ford examining the change cup at McDonald's . . . LBJ's nickname, “Bull Nuts” . . . Pat Nixon's four martinis for lunch . . . Howard Stern's ass on prime-time television . . . LBJ buck naked on
Air Force One
with his wife, his daughters, and his secretaries . . . Jimmy Swaggart and the hooker . . . LBJ watching a crowd and saying, “You dumb sons of bitches, I piss on all of you” . . . Jimmy Swaggart's apology . . . Dan Rather and “What's the frequency, Kenneth?” . . . LBJ discussing the Civil Rights Act: “I'll have them niggers voting Democratic for two hundred years” . . . Tricia Nixon wearing a cape and broad-brim hat when she went into the water to go swimming . . .

LBJ talking about Vietnam: “We're going to liberate those poor little boogers and I'll be known as the Great Emancipator” . . . Woody Allen and Soon-Yi . . . Hubert Humphrey in a cowboy hat . . . Luci Baines Johnson looking for an assistant: “You go find my nigger! Right now! Find my nigger” . . . Jesse Jackson talking about New York City as “Hymietown” . . . Kitty Dukakis drinking her husband's aftershave . . . Ted Kennedy's testimony at the William Kennedy Smith trial . . . Reagan wearing a USC Trojan helmet . . . LBJ ordering
Air Force One
to land somewhere and buy some root beer . . . JFK doing that blonde who could have been a Communist secret agent . . . LBJ doing the same blonde who could have been a Communist secret agent . . . Kissinger shoving vegetables off his plate onto the floor of
Air Force One
 . . . Bruce Lindsey saying to the press, “You all have been asses ever since we started” . . . LBJ stealing an electric bed from Walter Reed Army Hospital and flying it to his ranch . . . Richard Gere and the gerbil . . .
Showgirls
.

The Comeback Kid knew this would be more painful than . . .

Almost getting drafted . . . the
60 Minutes
interview . . . meeting Monica's parents at his radio address . . . being interviewed by Woodward . . . golf without mulligans . . . a Sam Donaldson prediction . . . sitting on a dais with Don Imus . . . Hillary throwing things at him . . . the way Monica's father looked at him . . . watching Nixon on TV with his arms held high . . . being breathed on by Yeltsin . . .

The way Monica's mother smiled at him . . . Hillary yelling, “You stupid fuck” . . . Bob Dole's jokes . . . shaking hands with Nixon . . . watching Al Gore dance . . . watching Roger sing . . . Hillary yelling, “You dumb shit” . . . Harold Ickes bursting into the Oval Office . . . Hillary yelling, “You fucking bastard” . . . Monica going “Da-da-da-da-da” . . . Hillary saying, “Get that whore away from me” at the Little Rock airport . . . the way Hillary's mother looked at him . . . a Helen Thomas birthday party . . . making a speech at the Vietnam Memorial . . . hearing Monica making those Yoko Ono noises . . .

Hillary asking “How's Gennifer?” . . . Joe Klein writing a sequel . . . Monica wearing boots identical to Chelsea's . . . Chelsea's spaniel, Zeke, getting hit by a car . . . Hillary with her legs unshaven . . . that condescending look on Blumenthal's face . . . Hillary moving away from his kiss at the inauguration . . . Vince holding Hillary's butt in public . . . Monica having her period that day . . . the way Betty Currie didn't look at him . . .

Reading William Safire . . . watching Al Gore campaign . . . dinner with George and Mari Will . . . talking to Monica about Hillary . . . watching Tipper from the rear . . . the broiled chicken breasts Hillary wanted him to eat . . . Hillary saying, “Get your dick down! You can't fuck her here” . . . trying to find poor Web Hubbell some work . . . meeting William Safire . . . sitting on Nancy Hernreich's couch in a meeting . . . dinner with Hillary's brothers . . . reading about Chelsea in the tabloids . . . seeing Hillary naked.