American Freak Show (5 page)

WOODROW WILSON

F
EBRUARY 24, 1913

Dude, Taft totally got stuck in that bathtub. I hate to tell tales out of school, but I have it on good authority. It happened. They brought in the National Guard.

J
UNE 28, 1919

Let’s see, what did I do today? Oh yeah, I ended the Great War! Signed a treaty in the morning and by five o’clock I was four bottles of Lafite deep with Clemenceau celebrating world peace. All in a day’s work. (I know it sounds like a cliché, but Paris really is beautiful this time of year if you get the chance to go.) Oh, and don’t worry, you won’t be hearing from those dumb Krauts anytime soon! Buried ’em at Versailles! There is absolutely no chance of a horrific backlash that will lead to the rise of a genocidal madman and haunt the world for centuries to come. You can thank me later.

A
UGUST 18, 1920

To all the ladies in the house: let’s not forget who got you the right to vote today. You’re welcome, girls.

WARREN G. HARDING

J
ULY 19, 1923

My advice? Stay away from Teapot Domes! Jesus Christ, who knew anyone would give a shit? Totally misread that one. Also, I haven’t been feeling well lately. If, God forbid, anything should ever happen to me, go easy on Coolidge. He doesn’t say much, but he really is a sweet man.

**NOTE: President Harding died in office of a heart attack two weeks after writing this entry.

CALVIN COOLIDGE

A
UGUST 4, 1923

Oh great, I’m president! I did not sign up for this shit! I’m not a people person at all. Ugh. So pissed right now . . .

A
UGUST 27, 1928

We just signed the Kellogg-Briand Pact ending war everywhere forever. No more wars. Ever. Anywhere. Not bad, huh? Call me “Silent Cal” all you want, but I just ended fucking wars forever. Did I say that loud enough, bitch? There will never be another war ever again because of me. Everyone promised. I got it all in writing. Who’s silent now?

HERBERT HOOVER

O
CTOBER 29, 1929

OH SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can’t talk—I think the world economy just collapsed. This is not good.

F
EBRUARY 21, 1930

Note to future presidents: you get blamed for shit you had nothing to do with. I hadn’t even unpacked my cotton-pickin’ Dopp kit yet when the stock market crashed and it’s somehow all my fault? Everyone’s like, “Do something, Hoover!” and I’m like, “Fucking call Coolidge, man! I’ve been here for five minutes, dude.” So ol’ Herbie Hoover’s a big joke now while that cock Coolidge plays with himself on a beach somewhere. I’ll tell ya, I must be a pretty damn effective president if I single-handedly orchestrated a global economic meltdown in the first 8 months of my presidency. That’s some feat. This is such bullshit. I want out.

M
AY 31, 1932

This sucks! People chase me down the street with pitchforks and torches like they do mythical ogres. Homeless people live in shantytowns named after me. I was hoping to save the name Hooverville for my presidential theme park back home. Guess I can forget that now. This is not going well at all. I’m running a half-assed reelection campaign before I turn this clusterfuck over to Roosevelt. It’s all yours, Frank. Good luck!

FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT

M
ARCH 15, 1945

Sorry I haven’t written sooner. Been a little busy, as you may have read in your history books. Just got back from Yalta and had a minute to write in “The Book.” I guess as I look back, I really have only two small achievements to put down in writing: saving the world economy and freeing the planet of tyranny. You know, generally restoring our faith in humanity. Good luck living up to that legacy, guys.

Now, I respect the shit out of Abe Lincoln, as anyone who knows me will tell you, but honestly, you’d have to move me past him at this point on any list of Greatest American Presidents. We both healed the country, yes. But unless I missed something, I’m the only one of the two of us who healed the WORLD. Defeating both the Depression and that little fuck Hitler is a hell of a day’s work, if you don’t mind my saying. True, I gave myself a couple extra terms to get it all done, but I did it nevertheless. BTW, keep an eye on that Stalin. We look good together in a Yalta class photo, but there’s something about those Russkies I don’t trust. I feel like he’s hiding something behind that bushy porn ’stache.

Couple other things you should know: I had a pool installed at the White House to “help with my back.” And by “help with my back” I mean “bang my secretary.” Great spot to bring broads if you’re into that kind of thing. Also, just for the historical record: my wife is not a dyke. I’ve heard the whispers. She’s just a little homely. Explains the need for the swimming pool.

Well, off to Warm Springs soon with the secretary for a little extramarital sex and planning for the next 12 years of my presidency. Thinking about turning Japan into a horrific moonscape with these little doozies I’ve got a Jewish fella named Oppenheimer whippin’ up for me. More on that when we get back.

p.s.—Not sure how I show up in photographs, but I am literally paralyzed. No one even knows that. So not only did I save the world, I did it without the ability to walk or stand. Pretty sure Stinkin’ Lincoln didn’t do that.

HARRY S. TRUMAN

M
AY 8, 1945

Not saying it’s all my doing, but is it a coincidence that I take over the presidency and four weeks later Hitler offs himself and the Nazis surrender? I’m just sayin’. Now, on to those sneaky little Japs. I’m gonna fuck them up real good. We’ve got something big cookin’. Get your popcorn ready. . . .

A
UGUST 6, 1945

Just nuked the Japs. And if they keep talking shit, they’re gonna get another one. I’m not even fucking around right now.

A
UGUST 9, 1945

That’s what happens when you talk shit, motherfucker! That’s what happens! Just nuked Nagasaki. Maybe you should have thought through that Pearl Harbor thing and realized who you were fucking with. You were fucking with Harry S. Truman—the “S” stands for “Smoke my hog, you dirty little Japs!” OK, I think I’ve made my point. I’m done with the nukes. Well, maybe just one more . . . (JK!)

N
OVEMBER 3, 1948

“Dewey Defeats Truman!” Good for Dewey! Oh no, wait. I’m just getting an update from the news desk—the new headline, “Dewey Sucks Truman’s Balls!” Yep, I just won another term. Four more years of running shit. I’m thinking about nuking Korea. Also, coming out with a line of “The Buck Stops Here” merch. People dig that one.

DWIGHT D. EISENHOWER

J
UNE 30, 1959

Winding down my run here. It went pretty well, I think. Honestly, I could have emptied the prisons and ordered the mass execution of puppies and it wouldn’t matter. Once you have D-
D
ay in your back pocket, you’ve got a pass for life. People are like, “Mr. President, why aren’t you doing more on civil rights” and I shoot right back, “I’m sorry, I’m still a little tired from DEFEATING THE NAZIS!” That’s the ultimate zinger!

My advice for the next guy? Keep an eye on those Commies! And if you need me, just call 1-800-LOSE-THE-NUMBER. I’ll be playing golf and watching cartoons on the new TV thing. Figure it out on your own.

JOHN F. KENNEDY

O
CTOBER 30, 1962

Well, that sucked. Eisenhower was NOT kidding about the Commies. Fuckers almost just launched missiles at us from Cuba. Jesus. Bobby sweet-talked ’em out of it, thank God. I haven’t seen him that persuasive since the time he convinced those twins into a four-way in Palm Beach! I swear he almost had Khrushchev’s pants off by the end of it.

Also, gotta give FDR a posthumous shout-out for putting that pool in. Wow, am I slaying ass in that thing. And not just the layup secretary ass. I’m flaunting internationally famous movie stars inside the White House. I’m not going to mention any names, but the one broad I’m nailing right now has not left me with a “Seven Year Itch,” thank goodness ;). OK, it’s Marilyn Monroe.

Two things for the next guy:

1. Stay the hell away from any place with the words “Bay” and “Pigs” in it.

2. I installed a secret tunnel under the East Wing that’s good for escaping nuclear attack and smuggling whores. It’s all yours.

LYNDON B. JOHNSON

N
OVEMBER 23, 1963

Thanks, Lee Harvey, you little shit. Now I’m president and all the wackos are gonna blame me, the Cubans, the mob, the CIA, space aliens, and everybody else. I did not have a central planning role. I only authorized it.

A
PRIL 1, 1968

I’m not much for writing in these queer journals, but I did just announce I’m not running for reelection. Should have quit while I was ahead on civil rights. I really fucked up this Vietnam thing. Who knew those little slopes could fight like that? I’m sure it’ll be over soon and we’ll learn our lesson forever about preemptive war. Not my problem anymore though. I’m outta here. Peace!

RICHARD M. NIXON

A
PRIL 17, 1973

I don’t know why this book is here. I ordered all printed materials shredded and incinerated months ago. Just coverin’ the ol’ bases until this silly Watergate thing blows over. Can you believe all the hullabaloo? Those pranksters were just having some fun with the Democrats—a little gag among friends. “Break-in” has such a negative, criminal connotation.
The Washington Post
has a big hard-on for the story, but luckily no one else gives a shit. You really think they’re gonna turn over the country to Jerry Ford? Jesus Christ. That guy can’t make it down a flight of stairs without falling on his face. You make that clown president and the Soviet tanks will be in Times Square by sundown.

I just thank God no one knows about my secret tape recording system in this joint! I just figured it would be cool to have everything on tape for posterity. I’ll probably make a cool mix tape of my “greatest hits” after I leave office as a national hero.

A
UGUST 8, 1974

I have to resign over this bullshit? It’s a goddamned attempted burglary, people! Did I jaywalk, too? Did I chew with my mouth full? Jesus Christ. Am I crazy here, guys? Tell me if I’m crazy. You’d think I was Mussolini the way they ran me out of office for a bunch of guys who aren’t me breaking into an office. You want to blame me for the Lindbergh kidnapping, too? What am I missing?

Let’s see the big fuckin’ picture here, you assholes. I chilled China the fuck out and got us out of Vietnam and I’m leaving office in disgrace because a couple of copyboys at
The Washington Post
decided a chickenshit burglary is a national story? I give up. This country is going to hell. You goddamned people don’t deserve me. Have fun with Jerry.

GERALD R. FORD

A
UGUST 10, 1974

Are you serious?! Are . . . you . . . serious?! A year ago I was arguing on the House floor to get funding for a new children’s wing at the Grand Rapids Library and now I’m PRESIDENT?! President of the United States! Holy Christ! The Agnew thing was bad enough. This is a disaster, you guys. A few years back, LBJ said I was so dumb I “couldn’t fart and chew gum at the same time.” He’s right! That is literally true. I’ve tried. I’ve got the chewing gum down and I’ve got the farts coming fast and furious, but just can’t put the whole thing together.

How can I make sure this president thing doesn’t last very long? I know! I’ll pardon Nixon! Pretend none of that crap ever happened. I need to go write that down. Let’s just hope the Democrats come up with a strong, impressive candidate and not some goober peanut farmer.

JIMMY CARTER

J
ULY 28, 1980

What do you want from me? Do you want me to just say it? OK, I suck. There you go. You happy? I’m a horrible, horrible president. I can’t decide which part of my presidency I’m more proud of: the hostages in Iran, the lines at gas stations, or the fact that I was attacked by a “killer rabbit” while I was on vacation in Plains. Jesus, that was an embarrassing four years. Hey, at least I kept the temperature low in the White House, right? To the next guy: just don’t do stupid shit like that and you’ll look brilliant by comparison. Nowhere to go but up after this disaster. “Malaise” was an understatement. You would almost need a movie star, like a borderline fictional character, to ride in on a horse at this point to rescue the country from my presidency. Again, I’m terribly sorry.

RONALD REAGAN

A
PRIL 7, 1981

Wow, was it something I said? Some joker took a shot at me last week. And I thought working with Bette Davis was tough! This job seems like a pain in the ass already.

J
UNE 12, 1987

Kind of a light day today, other than the part where I brought about the end of the Cold War! Oh, man, you should have heard the line I got off at the Berlin Wall. Ready? “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!” My best work since the underrated
Cattle Queen of Montana
—Barbara Stanwyck at her very best. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, I ended the Cold War today. Game over.

A
UGUST 11, 1988