Authors: Babe Walker
Babe
Oh she's such a bitch. But I love Knox
Babe
I'm so excited for you to meet him
Dad
I'd like that
Dad
Any developments on the paternity front?
Babe
I mean
Babe
I'm pretty much positive that he's my brother. We're just too similar to be merely kin. He's a miniBabe
Dad
Sounds frightful
Babe
Oh fuck off dad
Dad
You know I'm only joking darling
Babe
Sure
Babe
:)
Babe
I kinda fucked up tonight though dad
Dad
Tell me darling. I'm all ears. Just here in the room waiting for Lizbeth to finish dressing. We're going to a few museums today before the event tonight
Babe
Boring
Dad
You know she likes museums. I couldn't give less of a shit about museums.
Dad
But she likes them.
Dad
So, we'll go for a few hours.
Babe
You're sweet
Dad
I've been trying
Babe
So earlier tonight I got really drunk and lost Knox at The
Chateau and this boy I like from Maryland called me to tell me I was irresponsible and he basically attacked me, dad, and I felt so stupid because the last thing I want to do is fuck up Knoxie AT ALL. He's so presh.
Dad
What? Where is he now?? Tell me you found him.
Babe
Yes duh
Babe
I'm not a complete moron. Jesus.
Dad
Good. You could go to jail Babe. You don't want to go to jail.
Dad
You do have his mother's permission to have him in LA don't you darling?
Babe
Yeah basically
Dad
What do you mean basically
Babe
It's fine dad. I'm taking him back to Maryland in a few hours and life will resume to normal, boringness
Babe
The adventure is over
Babe
It's fine. I'm fine.
Dad
Are you sure darling?
Babe
Yeah
Dad
Is there anything else you wanted to tell me?
Babe
Actually yeah. while I have you, I want to get your opinion on a purchase I've been mulling over.
Dad
I'm not buying you a baby elephant. Baby elephants grow to full grown elephants, you know that right? Besides, you're hardly at the house anymore. It would go neglected. The whole bloody thing would be a stich up, and while I appreciate that you're going after what you want in life, this is just a battle you're going to lose, love.
Babe
Relax
Babe
I'm not gonna ask you to buy a baby elephant again.
Dad
Thank god. What is it then?
Babe
I'm thinking of buying myself a plane.
Dad
With what money?
Babe
Not worrying about that yet. But hear me out. I'm basically becoming Knox's big sister/mentor/sherpa/personal shopper and for him to flourish the way he deserves to, he's going to need to be meeting with me at least once quarterly, if not monthly. This is a big turning point moment in his life and he just needs someone like me there by his side making sure that he stays chic and major and good. Remember how malleable and spongelike I was when I was ten?
Dad
Of course I remember. I remember taking you to see Hole and praying that you wouldn't start idolizing Courtney Love.
Babe
But I do idolize Courtney Love. Less now in light of
recent accusations that she may have been involved in a conspiracy to kill Kurt, but I'm not emotionally stable enough to get into that at the moment.
Dad
I think she did it.
Babe
Don't say that, Dad.
Dad
Darling, she is a hoodlum. That's why you love her.
Babe
God damnit, you're always right. Anyway, what do you think of my Babe Airways idea?
Dad
I think it's ridiculous.
Babe
Really?
Dad
I think if your bond with this lad is as strong as you say it is, you'll find a way to stay in his life.
Babe
I'm happy you're happy but I'm sad that you're not gonna buy me a plane for becoming a better person over the last week.
Dad
Absolutely not.
Babe
Fine
Dad
I'm proud of you Babe. I know you may have fucked up a wee bit by bringing him out to LA but I know your heart was in the right place, that's my girl.
Babe
Thanks Dad
Babe
That means a lot
Babe
I'm crying
Dad
Don't cry darling
Babe
I'm not really.
Babe
I thought you might change your mind about the plane if you thought I was that emotionally invested but it's whatever.
Dad
I respect that you tried.
Babe
Thanks
Babe
Okay. I should try to sleep for like five minutes before we have to catch our flight. I'm fucking exhausted and hungover already and just need to namaste for a moment. I love you
Dad
I love you more.
Babe
Oh and tell Lizbeth that I'm still working on my mantra. I know she doubted me
Dad
She never doubted you, darling. She only wants what's best for you. She wants you to find your path and do it with pride and strength
Babe
EEEWWWWWW
Babe
You sound like her
Dad
You're right
Dad
I've been with the woman for a few days straight. And
don't get me wrong, she's lovely, but I don't want to sound like a yoga teacher.
Dad
Thanks for always being honest with me.
Dad
Keep your head up, darling. You know I love you.
Babe
Love you too.
Babe
Just for shits, what is she wearing to the event?
Dad
Let me ask her
Dad
She says she's wearing a strapless Zac Posin
Babe
It's Posen and ew.
Babe
Tell her I said ew.
Babe
Did you tell her?
Dad
Obviously I'm not going to tell her that. It's a beautiful dress. She bought it last week.
Babe
You guys literally make me vom. Love you both.
Dad
Ciao darling
Babe
X
A
s I sat in my kitchen, making myself some delicious boiling water with lemon zest (one of my all-time fave comfort foods and a go-to LA breakfast), I realized how very strange I felt. Not because it had been so long since I'd been at my dad's, but more because I woke up thinking about someone other than myself. Normally the first thought I have when I realize I'm awake has to do with what smoothie I'm going to have, or what I'm going to pick for my first look of the day, or how many people will ask me if I'm a model that day. That's just who I am, and I'm okay with it.
But this morning was different. I was obvi tired because I'd only slept for about 4.2 hours and they were drunk hours, but when I woke up, I was thinking about Knox. Not about
what we were going to do today on our flight
or
if he was going to compliment my plane outfit
. But more general thoughts about how he was and how he slept and if he was okay. This mom thing that was happening to me was getting out of hand.
Babe
Hey. How'd you sleep?
Knox
Still sleeping
Babe
Me too but we need to be in the car in 1 hour to make this flight
Knox
k
Babe
Pack
Knox
kk
I kept thinking about what Scott had said. And all the texts from Vee. She must have been really worried about Knox. The gravity of me “kidnapping” Knox was starting to become clear. I mean, I was sober enough last night to book us the flight back to Maryland when I got back to our house, but I was too drunk to really grasp the emotional severity of it all. By bringing Knox to LA for this audition, I was just doing what I thought was best for him. I wanted
him to have every opportunity to be happy, but I honestly didn't think anyone would really care that I stole him for a few days. No one in Maryland seemed to really pay attention to what he was up to anyway, so I was halfway convinced that Veronica and Cara wouldn't even know Knox was gone. I thought Kris Jennering him was the right move. I guess I was wrong.
I looked at my phone, checking/hoping our flight was delayed. I could have used an extra few hours of sleep and a few more hours of not dealing with whatever was waiting for me when I got off that plane. Also, they only had business class available by the time I booked, so I was not looking forward to that noise. You may think I'm a monster, but I really, really, really prefer first class.
There would be other auditions for
MasterChef Junior
. Veronica could take him to one of those. I needed to get him back to Maryland.
“MABINTY!!!!”
I waited for a response, staring out at space. Nothing.
“MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABS!!!!!”
I hadn't seen her when I got to the house because it was basically dawn. But she was most likely in the house. I needed her advice. She knew me best and I could talk to her about everything. I mean, she'd raised me. She was my mom, for all intents and purposes.
Babe
Mabs where the fuck r u
Mabinty
Can't talk. Busy.
Babe
I'm in LA. I'm in my room. Come hither.
Mabinty
No.
Babe
Stop
I got up, pulled my hair into the chicest and highest of ponies, brushed my teeth, peed, took a huge shit. LOL. Can you imagine if I was being serious? I've literally never taken a huge shit in my life. That would be fucking sick. I realized it was 7:05 a.m. so I marched my tired, hungover ass out of the guesthouse (my house) and down to the laundry room, which is in the basement of my dad's house.
BTW/FYI/ALSO: Mabs smokes weed every day for breakfast at 7 a.m. while watching the previous day's episode of
Jeopardy!
She is in LOVE with Alex Trebek. She has been dreaming about fucking him since she met him at my dad's office Christmas party in 2001 and he told her that she had beautiful eyes.
To my surprise, when I finally reached the laundry room (my dad's house is really big and sometimes I get lost), Mabinty was not in there. So weird. She is always, always, always in there at this time of the morning. I'm rarely up
this early, but sometimes when I come back from a night out, she is already in there hitting her blunt. Love that for her. But where was she now? Maybe she slept out of the house? She didn't know I was going to pop in. Maybe Carl (her on-again-off-again BF) called her for a booty call? Good for her.
So I went back upstairs to the kitchen, finished my boiling water with lemon zest, and headed back up to my room to pack. I had to choose a few key looks that said
I'm sorry for kidnapping your son but I'm more sorry that I might be the first person in his life to take his dreams seriously.
As I passed by the guest room that Knox was staying in, I knocked on the door. There was no answer, but it sounded like the water was running, so he was probably taking a shower. He is so cute.
I continued on to my room, quickly showered, put on “plane” makeup, which is similar to gym makeup, which is similar to therapy makeup, and threw on a baby-blue stretch linen blazer that I'd forgotten I bought at Acne before I left for Maryland and some amazing jeans from The Row. Punctuating the look with my white Raf Simons Stan Smiths. I contemplated a black patent Valentino pump, but then remembered we were flying commercial. Only wear heels if you're flying private. That's an actual rule.
As I brushed my teeth, I looked at myself in the mirror. For someone who was completely hungover and deprived of sleep, I looked gorgeous. There was a new kind of confidence I was noticing in myself in the last few days. I'm generally a very confident person, but there was something different about this. It was less cunt-fidence and more just regular-person
I can do it I'm worthy and so blessed
confidence. Actual happiness? Maybe.
I quickly zipped up my two massive pieces of Goyard luggage that I'd never unpacked from my last trip to Maryland. I got my two suitcases downstairs and to the front door, where I saw that Knox had left his shit.
I walked out to the Uber that was waiting for me in our driveway. His name was Robert, which made me experience a weird energy for about thirty seconds.
“Hi. Thanks for waiting. Can you help me with some luggage?” I said as I got into the backseat of the black Yukon. This Robert and my Robert were very different. Driver Robert was midfifties, ethnically ambiguous, and about five foot one.
“Are you Babe Walker?”
“I am. I'm so flattered that you recognized me. Kind of embarrassing, actually. So early for me. How'd you recognize me? Did you read my books, or do you know my work on social media, or were you there that time at
Nobu Malibu when I threw a glass of hot sake at Brody Jenner?”
“I'm just asking if you're the person who ordered this Uber. They make us verbally verify that you are the person who ordered the car. It's company policy. Also the picture in your Uber profile is of the back of someone's head. So I honestly wasn't sure if you were her.”