Authors: D. G Torrens
She would screech at me
,
“
I
t’s your
fault your real father left us. Y
ou were to
o demanding
and you were a naughty child.” I was
two
years old when he left
,
so
how could any of this be my fault? The more she blamed me
,
the more I believed
her.
She would shout,
“
H
e hated you
, Amelia. H
e tried to drown you in the bath when you were two years old
.
” I would cry back
,
“
Y
ou
’
r
e
lying, you
’
r
e
lying
,
stop it
!
”
Then I would feel
the force of her
hand clip my cheekbones;
the sting would be felt for hours later. I spent the whole of my life believing my father tried to kill me by drowning.
She
drank
mo
re and more on days like these. W
e would be sent to our rooms with a cup of warm milk or chocolate (laced with small amounts of sleeping pills)
to ensure we would not wake up during the night.
A
gain our doors would be bolted tight
,
and each of our bedrooms
had
a potty in the corner should we wake up and be in need of the toilet. Jake
,
being a little younger than me
,
around six at the time, had taken to rocking
himself to sleep as he too was frightened of the dark
. I
t was his only way of coping
.
Then our mother would put on her makeup
,
get dressed
,
and leave us home
all
alone while she went out for the evening.
I hated it when she came back d
runk in the middle of the night.
She
deliberately start
ed
banging on my door
,
calling me names
, and
shouting at me that I was nothing and never would be. I was petrified of her when she was like this as she became so unpredictable. I loved her and disliked her. She was my mother
, so I knew
I had to love her, but I could not make sense
of how she made me feel and why.
I
felt
so bad about myself every single day, but I felt it was deserved for some reason because my mother told me it was.
Jake and I took solace in the fact
that
we had each other
.
W
e were very close and looked
out for each other all the time.
W
hen things got really crazy
,
we knew if we tried to tre
at our mother like a princess—
offer to do the
housework
, played very quietly, o
r even kept Jenny amused—
then we would get a reprieve for a very short while from her temper
,
which was worth its weight in gold. We
learned
how to detect one of our mother’s episodes, and sometimes this helped us escape a lashing or two, as we would stay out of her way or practically behave like her slave. It
was exhausting most of the time.
I could
bare
ly concentrate at school,
and
there was always so much going on at home it was impossible to focus.
I did enjoy school and discovered very early on that I had a knack for reading and writing
,
and
soon enou
gh they became passions of mine. T
hey were
the
two things I loved to do most. The amount of schooling we missed because we would be pulled out for one reason or another and placed into care was colossal. However
,
the time I was at school I threw myself into my lessons
in a way the other kids did not.
T
his was a deliberate act on my part
,
because I never knew when I would be taken away again, and I wanted to make the most of it as much as I could. Life had been
very unkind to Jake and I up until that
point
,
and I did not see it getting any better in the foreseeable future either.
Each day became more and more of a struggle, so much so that we were to
o
scared to go in
to
the kitchen if our mother was cooking and in a bad mood
,
as she would slice the carrots l
ike they were being slaughtered.
K
nowing how unpredictable she was
,
we were never entirely sure whether or not she would one day use the kitchen knife on us. So this was a cleverly
thought-out
move on our part,
and
we always stayed clear of the kitchen when she was cooking.
Mother
announce
d
her fo
urth pregnancy. I
felt fear and
dread run cold through my veins;
to me this meant more work
,
more bea
tings, and more responsibilities.
I was only just
eight
years old and already carrying the burden of an adult. The weight that was put on my young shoulders was far too much to
bear
at times. I knew once this baby was born that life was going to get a whole lot worse
for us all
. Money was sparse
, and
during her
fourth
pregnancy we were
once again
placed in
to
care
,
but this time it was foster care not Colton
Hall.
They were not bad foster parents, but not particularly nice either
, as
they were
quite strict and slight
ly removed from the job in hand.
But I guess they had
to be
, because
get
ting
attached would make it too hard for t
hem to foster, knowing they would
have to say goodbye
eventually
. It was so hard being shi
fted from one place to the next. You would think
it would be something we
would have
g
o
t
ten
use
d
to, but that was not the case. We longed for the lives that other children had with some stability, love
,
and attention. Jake and I
always
talk
ed
about how amazing it would be to have a normal life just like the very children we were staying with
at our temporary foster home
.
The c
hildren’s rooms were incredible; there were
so many toys, the bed sets matched their curtains, and they had
their own
writing desks to complete their homework. The bedrooms were like fantasy rooms to Jake and I
—
we had never seen anything like
them
before in our whole lives. At first Jake and I thought the foster parents were wealthy, but it turns
out they were just a very hard-
working couple who saved and p
rovided well for their family. B
ut to Jake and I they were millionaires!
We were to remain with our new foster parents until the new baby w
as born and our mother was in
a routine. Jake and I
couldn’t
quite warm to our foster parents
. P
art of the reason was that the
ir two children
were treated very differently to us in the most obvious ways. Although we were not mistreated, it was obvious that we did not belong there, and for that reason
we
did not want to be there.
When we were eventually retu
rned home, it was to a new half-
sister, Susie. I could not believe how miniature our half
-
sister
was; she had a shock of black hair
and the tiniest fingers I had ever seen. My time was immediately taken up fetching and carrying for my mother, which I did not mind in the slightest, as it kept mother busy enough for a while and took the onus off Jake and I. My daily job was basically taking care of Jake and Jenny most of t
he time. Jenny had a large blue- and- white-
striped buggy
,
which I used to place her in
and take her
for a walk around the
rough council
estate, partially because I wanted to be a
way from M
other
, but also because M
other had some pe
a
ce and quiet, allowing her time to be focused on Susie. Social Workers were a frequent presence once again, popping in and out at every opport
unity, checking on our welfare
and i
m
parting their advice to
M
other.
By this time, we were now all calling Robert
“D
ad,
”
and he was stil
l the fearful man I remember—too afraid of M
other, always doing what she told him, no matter how impossible the task. This was making him depres
sed, and he was no longer happy. He rarely smiled,
and it became noticeably clear to Jake and I that he was suddenly away
from home
often. We began to see less
and less of him,
and when h
e was around, he seemed to develop
a little backbone. Perhaps being away fr
om M
ot
her more often was changing him.
T
hey were in each other’s company a lot less
,
which meant she did not have that complete hold over him
anymore
. When Robert was a
round, it was just pure carnage. T
he rows became more two
-
sided as time went on
,
and
when tempers flared
they reached new heights. Their fights beca
me quite frightening at times—
pots and pans would be thrown at each other,
and
our mother
’
s temper knew no bounds
. I was
sure this
was the type of woman who
would be capable of raisi
ng the blood pressure of a monk.
It was not unusual for windows to get smashed during the
ir
rows, which would then be boarde
d up for a few weeks with thick-brown carpet tape
until the council c
ame to replace them. As usual, M
other knew how to get what she wanted
,
and a few dramatic stories later, the glass was always replaced free of charge.
One day when we arrived home from
school we walked into mayhem. T
here was arguing and screaming
, and Robert
was packing his bags
and preparing to leave. Mother was in such a rage
the hatred seeped
out of her eyes, so Jake and I grabbed our two sisters and hid in the corner of the living room, as far out of si
ght
as we could possibly get. We were all crying and sobbing uncontrollably, fearful of what our mother was going to do next and which one of us would take the punishment for the latest
fight
. Sadly, Jake and I were only too aware that when she was like this, just about anything could happen and there was nothing anyone could do about it. Jenny and Susie were shaking in our arms as they continued to cry hysterically.
We were eventually sent to our rooms where we were told to remain, so we all sat close together
, huddled tightly,
listening to what was our life’
s soundtrack coming from below:
banging, screaming, swearing, smashing. I was sure this could be heard all the way to the end of the street. Then all went quiet. Sometime later
, M
other came up stairs crying and hugging us
all
,
telling us that our dad had left. She left no detail out during her explicit explanation, which totally shocked Jake and I. We did not believe her at first, knowing that if ever there was a woman fit for amateur dramatics, it was Heidi Sue Thomas
.
However, on this particular occasion
,
she was right. Our
stepfather
left to begin a new chapter in his life
,
something that shocked us all, not helped by mother’s descriptive way of informin
g us
that
Robert had left to be with another man.
Mother had found Robert in bed with another man, and he admitted to being gay without hes
itation when asked. During the fight
that took place bef
ore his departure, Robert told M
other
how intolerable she had become
and advised her to seek treatment for her temper. Mother
shouted
expletives into the
street for all to hear
,
while
Robert walked away. As much as h
e had begun to argue back with M
other, Robert had the dignity to keep this indoors
an
d did not cave into
Mother’s
attempt to make him vent in public. I respected him for this
,
as I was at an age whe
re I was aware of other people’s
attitu
des toward our family and had
begun to feel embarrassed
about it
.