Authors: D. G Torrens
I enrolled myself into night school as it was so important to me to complete my exams
.
I wanted my O-Level certificates to take me forward and to prove to myself I could do them. I applied for a job in a local office
as a junior
and was to start the following
Monday. This
had been a stroke of luck which I was very grateful for.
I was not to see Torwen very often from there on as she worked nights and I worked days. Jason was always home in the evenings; he would sit down after a hard day running his engineering company with a couple of beers and the remote control.
One particular night I was
sitting
on the sofa watchin
g a history documentary on the H
olocaust. I had not noticed Jason saddling up on the sofa until he placed his hand on my knee. He sta
rtled me and I jumped nervously.
H
e was tipsy
,
his eyes were bloodshot
,
a
nd he was breathing all over me. He
kept
saying he just wanted a cuddle. I felt sick to my stomach and ran out of the room
straight upstairs.
I stayed in my room until morning and could not wait to get out of the house. Why me? Why Jason, a m
an I respected and looked up to?
This just could not
be happening
.
I would not allow myse
lf to believe it. At dinnertime,
this was the only time we were all together, I slowly made
my way to the kitchen.
Jason pulled me into the living room and warn
ed me not to say a word to Torwen.
H
e had made a mistake and did not know what he was doing, and finally, his last words reverberated right through me,
“
Torwen
would never believe you anyway . . .
a girl who spent her whole l
ife in care against her husband,
n
o
,
she would not believe you
,
Amelia
,
so I am warning you
,
if you like it here and want to
stay
then
just pretend like it never happened.
”
Torwen was calling us all into the dining room for dinner
.
I
t was just after 6
:00 p.m.
and she
had to get ready for work soon.
We all sat in silence and I was holding back the tears.
Torwen could see there was something wrong with me,
but
I just said I was very tired and needed to sleep.
I lay in bed wide awake that night
,
watchi
ng the door handle; I was afraid he might
try to come into my room, but tha
nkfully he didn’t. I weighed
my options and there was none.
The only option left
was going back to my
mother’s
and that was a place I did not want to revisit. I had no money and only earned £55.00 per week at my new
j
ob as an office junior
,
and £20.00 pe
r week went to Torwen for house
keeping. I was left with the grand total of £35.00 per week for travel expenses, toiletries
,
as I had to buy my own, and anything else
a
young
woman
might need. My options were limited to nothing. My fate for the time being was sealed.
This was supposed to have been my new beginning, my new life, I was so happy. Torwen was the most wonderful
woman.
I could never tell her anyway
,
as it would only break her heart and her marriage, and there was no way I wanted that on my conscience. I decided the best thing
for me to do was keep out of Jason’s
way,
and
not to give him any opportunity to assault me ag
ain. I avoided him at all costs.
I would not watch TV if he was in the living room,
and
I spent all my time studying in my room for my exams.
The following Saturday I
met
Damien
and
I had
the whole day to spend with him.
W
e walke
d around the shopping center
, and then made our way to a café for a cup of coffee.
I never told him what happened;
I was afraid it would put him off me and he would no longer want to see me
,
as by now, I was officially
his girlfriend. We were both seventeen
in just a few months. Damian had told me he was being scouted by Ipswich Town Football Club for their reserves team, and if they liked what they saw then he would be moving to Ipswich. My heart just sank
.
I could not
bear
the thought of
losing
him
.
I started crying and he assured me that I was the only girl for him
and that he would write often
and visit when he wasn’t playing or training.
That night Damian came back to the Prices
’
house with me as they were away for the night on a business trip. Damian and I lay together on the floor kissing and cuddling,
and
that very night we took our relationship to another level. For both of us this was a special moment and a meaningful one. Eventually he had to leave and we agreed to meet the following Saturday. Damian never judged me, never made me feel worthless because I had nothing, he never reminded me of where I came from, and he always said
you can be any one you want to be
,
Amelia, just follow your dreams.
I loved him so much;
he saw me, he understood me, and he still wanted me even though I was carrying enough emotional baggage to be stopped at customs!
One day I decided to try and conta
ct Jake, as I was now free to do
so
and
no one could stop me. I called the children’s home where Jake was still residing
,
but I was met by a barrage of excuses. It would unsettle him at this time
,
they told me. Still we were being kept apart. I would have to wait until he was released from the care system and then we were both free to be a brother and sister once more. After work one Tuesday I decided to take a long hot ba
th while Jason was working late.
I lay there swamped in bubbles thinking about Damian and his possible transfer to Ipswich Football Club, when I heard the
back door slam hard down stairs.
I heard someone stumbling up the stairs, and that’s when it dawned on me that it was Jason and he was drunk again.
I hurried out of the bath
,
put my shoes against the door, and wrapped myself in a towel as quickly as I could. Before I knew what was happening Jason had barged into the bat
hroom and made a beeline for me. H
e grabbed my head tightly in his hands
,
slobbering all over my face
.
I could smell the strong stench of beer on his breath,
and it was disgusting.
I tried to struggle free
,
but he was far too strong for me.
T
hen he ripped my towel off
,
threw it to the floor
, and he pushed me against the wall.
I was screaming at him
,
begging him to get out and not to do t
his, but my cries went unheard.
H
e kept saying
,
“I
t
’
s just you and me now
,
Amelia
,
and I always get what I want.
”
The tears streamed down my face,
and I felt revulsion and disgust
as his hands
slithered
over my body. I felt
like a trapped animal once more.
H
e pushed me to the floor and started to unzip his trousers, and then Torwen came in through the front door calling my name. Her voice sounded like the voice o
f an angel to me that night, saving
me from a fate that did not
bear
thinking about. Jason jumped off me and ran from the bathroom into his bedroom; I sat on the floor curled up into a ball crying uncontrollably.
After what felt like an eternity but was only a few minutes
,
I pulled myself together, got dressed
,
and went downstairs to see Torwen
,
who was supposed to have been working. She said that she had not been feeling too good so
she
came home early. She made us both a hot drink and we sat talking at the kitchen table
. S
he was telling me how happy she was, that I was like the daughter she never had,
and
she said Jason felt the same way too. I thought if only she knew
,
this would totally crush her world. She went on to talk to me about love and how one day I would find the love of my life like she had found hers in Jason. I knew there and then I could never tell her.
The next day I did
not go to work and rang in sick.
I was too emotionally distressed to go in. I needed some
one to talk to, but I had no one.
I did not want to worry Damian, the only good thin
g in my life, with problems;
he had far more important things to be worrying about. I once again f
elt totally alone in the world. I was almost seventeen
years old and as much alone as I ever was. So much for my new beginning, this felt like an extension of my pa
st. I started to blame myself;
it must
be
me, it must be my fault. I was at a loss as to where to turn. I decided the only thing I could do was save as much money as possible from my weekly wage, pass my O-Level exams
,
which were coming up
,
and then move out. At least then I would hopefully have enough money for my first couple of months rent to get myself started.
As the months running up to Christmas passed by I had saved a few hundred pounds, taken my exams
,
and managed to keep out of Jason’s way. By now Torwen had noticed the atmosphere between Jason and I
and had started questioning it.
S
he kept asking me if there was anything wrong,
wondering if
Jason
and I had a falling out over something.
I reassured her that all was well
,
and that there was
nothing to worry herself about.
Christmas day was upon us and a traditional Christmas
ensued.
I was given a
faux fur jacket,
which I loved, and we had a traditional Christmas dinner with all the trimmings followed by an afternoon of the
Wizard of Oz.
I could not get into
the spirit of Christmas at all.
Jason kept staring at me through the corner of his eyes every so often, and he would look me up and down as if undressing me whenever I walked into a room. I hated him
.
I hated what he
had done to both Torwen and I—
he had broken my trust and reduced my faith in humanity once again.
Over Christmas I saw Dami
an
and discovered that he had been given a place on the Ipswich
P
remier
L
eague reserves team. I was so pleased for
him, but I also felt very sad.
I felt like I was
losing him forever. He was making it;
his
dream was actually coming true. What would he want with me now?
H
e would have all the girls throwing themselves at him,
and
I feared once he left I w
ould never hear from him again. We had known each other for eighteen
month
s, and
he was my first love
.
I could not imagine loving anyone else ever.
Surely
,
as if it was written
,
Dami
a
n was transferred to Ipswich
F
ootball
C
lub, and it would be a long while before I heard from him. When he did come to visit, we spent our time together but it was soon time for him to leave again. We said our goodbyes at the bus stop, kissing passionately for a long time. We made promises to each other and the one promise I held on to was his promise to write often, once he had settled in at Ipswich
F
ootball
C
lub. I watched the bus carrying the love of my life away and stood there crying for a very long time.