Always Come Home (Emerson 1) (18 page)

“I would tell you it is lovely, indeed.” She
smiled. “Unless, of course, you were only considering its purchase.”

“I believe you would get along quite well with our
new governess, Miss Conway.”

Something flickered across Miss Babcock’s face for a
moment, but it was gone so quickly Colin thought he might have imagined it. “I
cannot say that I have ever truly conversed with anyone’s governess before,
though your Miss Patton is now my sister’s chaperone.”

“Where is Miss Patton? I thought I might like to
have a few words with her.” None of which could be repeated in the presence of
ladies. Colin looked forward to telling the woman exactly what he thought of
her treatment of Letty.

“Mama gave her the night off, so I imagine she is in
the servants’ quarters.”

Colin took a perverse bit of pleasure in hearing the
woman was in the servants’ quarters and not housed in the spacious nursery, as
she had been before.

“I look forward to getting to know both of your
sisters better,” said Nora.

“It is fortunate, then, that they live only down the
drive.” Colin could not prevent a hint of bitterness from seeping into his
voice, though he knew he was being most unfair. It certainly wasn’t Miss
Babcock’s fault that his family had been forced to retrench.

But Miss Babcock surprised him once again. For
instead of changing the topic to the weather or some other inane subject, she
looked in his eyes and spoke.

“This is an awkward situation for all of us. As I
understand it, the situation you find yourself in is not of your own making,
yet you are the one who must solve it. And the move just before Christmas must
have thrown your family into disarray. I am sorry for your misfortune, but
hope the arrangement with my father will be of some benefit.”

And just like that, Miss Babcock was more honest in
her speech than a ballroom of London misses.

“I see you are forthright in all things,” he said. “Except,
perhaps, your opinion of ladies’ gowns.”

“And waistcoats. Now, shall we join your sisters?”

Which was how Miss Babcock surprised him yet again.
She was moving to shorten her time with him. If she was, as Stemple had
reported, in search of a title, she had just strayed considerably from the path
of least resistance. For his title was respectable and she was already living
in his house. He would have thought she’d have taken advantage of their time
alone to ask his opinion of something, then tell him he was dreadfully clever
or brave or whatever she thought he might like to hear. That’s how it would
have happened in London. But not here.

He watched Miss Babcock glide across the room, then
smile at Letty. He was struck again by just how beautiful she was. The
symmetry of her features, her straight white teeth. Miss Conway’s teeth were
very white, but there was one tooth that was just a bit crooked. Not enough to
affect her smile. But he always noticed it and it made him want to run his
tongue across it. While she was naked and in his bed.

“My lord,” said Myra, as she snuck up on him once
again. If his senses had been this dull during the war, he surely would have
been killed on the second day. Myra continued. “This is quite a beautiful
house. But I must confess I still get lost when I roam the halls. Would you
care to give me a tour?”

“While I am sure it is difficult to find one’s way
at the beginning, I have no doubt you will soon…” Myra was edging ever closer
to him and was only inches away from being pressed against him.

Colin stepped back with some haste. “I fear the
hour is growing late and I should return home with my sisters. Lady Leticia
woke us all quite early this morning.”

“You could always take your sisters home then return
here,” said Myra.

“Thank you, but no.”

With just a look, Colin was able to indicate to Rose
that he was ready to leave. She looked as anxious to go as he. Only Letty,
who was thrilled to have new friends, seemed sad to leave. As Miss Babcock
said her farewells to Rose and Letty, Colin found himself all but cornered by
Mrs. Babcock.

“We do hope you will return soon,” she said. “An
earl is a fairly important title, is it not? I mean, it is not a marquess,
duke or prince, but I’m told we don’t have any of those in the neighborhood.
At least not any who are eligible.”

“The Marquess of Grayson does make an appearance
from time to time.” It was a cruel thing to do to Nathanial Gage, who’d been a
longtime friend to him and his brother. But Nate wasn’t there. Colin could
make his apologies to him at a later time.

“But I am told that Lord Grayson is a drunkard and
that his father the duke is fairly young and in rigorous health.” From her
tone, Mrs. Babcock seemed to think “drunkard” was the least objectionable
descriptor in that sentence.

“Ridgeway,” said Rose, and Colin knew she was not
enjoying herself for she rarely called him by his title, “I fear the night air
will soon be too much for me.”

That was certainly a clanker for Rose loved walking
outside in all kinds of weather.

“I can have the carriage take you home if you like,”
said Mrs. Babcock. “It wouldn’t do for either of you to get sick and die now
that we have become acquainted.” Mrs. Babcock pulled Colin aside. “My lord, I
hear tell you are looking for an heiress.”

“Why? Is one missing?”

That set the dreadfully blunt Mrs. Babcock off in
gales of laughter. “And to think I was told the British have no sense of humor
at all. No. I just wanted you to know that Nora is very well dowered. And,
for that matter, Richard will earn a tidy sum working with his father.” Here
she nodded at Rose. Colin expected the woman to nudge his sister, surely earning
herself a stomped foot if she did so.

Colin stepped in to prevent it. “Thank you, Mrs.
Babcock for a lovely dinner. I am sure we will see each other in the new
year.”

“Do not wait until then!” Mrs. Babcock looked
alarmed by the very notion. “Remember, we have all those untouched books in
the library. Come browse at your leisure. You and Lady Rosemary both.”

“And Lady Leticia,” said Miss Nora sweetly.

“I suppose that cannot be helped,” said Mrs. Babcock
as she looked at Letty dubiously.

Colin took Rose’s arm just as she looked on the
verge of striking Mrs. Babcock.

After taking their leave from the family, and Colin
receiving yet another wink from Myra, they set off for home. Letty was in fine
spirits, chattering on about how nice Miss Babcock had been. Colin had to
admit she had been amiable. She’d also been beautiful, well-mannered and as
unlike the rest of the Babcock family as it was possible to get. And, as Mrs.
Babcock had noted, Nora was an heiress. A solution for his financial problems
could be much closer than London. And it could likely be attained if he really
put his mind to it.

Yet why did the very thought make him so wretched?

They reached the dower house and a very tired Letty
climbed the stairs toward her room. Colin felt Rose’s eyes upon him.

“Colin?”

“Yes, love?”

“We will find a way out of our problems without your
making any sacrifices.”

He embraced his sister. “Thank you, dear girl. But
do not worry about me. I will be fine. I always am.”

Rose looked like she wanted to say more, but Colin
ran up the stairs to tell Letty a bedtime story.

It was Christmas night and Ava was snuggled in an
overstuffed chair in the library near the fire. She was rereading Colin’s poem
one more time. She didn’t need to. She’d all but memorized it. But she liked
running her fingers across the parchment as she read the words aloud.
Quietly. It wouldn’t do for anyone to overhear. But some words needed to be
said aloud in order to be fully savored.

And she was savoring these.

“If I could but walk the fields with you
when Spring has finally come. To breathe in the flowers covered in dew. To
feel the warmth of the earth in which we sow our seeds. To plant the roots
that will bind us here forevermore.”

Forevermore. Planting roots and being bound
together. Ava realized how very much she would like to be bound to Colin. To
his family. For she realized she’d come to love not just Colin, but his
family, as well. She knew it was foolish to believe herself in love after such
a short amount of time. She was too practical for such notions. But perhaps
that was what love did to one. It invaded both the heart and the brain. It sent
rationality and reason on holiday, leaving behind emotion and feeling.

Try as she might, she could not disabuse herself of
the notion that she had been yearning for this for years. Perhaps her whole
life. Colin had said he would always come home when his loved ones were
waiting. She felt like she already was home.

If only she could stay.

She ran her fingers across the parchment, then
pressed her lips against his words. She skimmed the missive down her cheek,
her neck, her bosom, until it came to rest against her heart. She closed her
eyes and thought of him in those fields.

Thusly engrossed, she did not hear the door at first
when it opened. But when she finally did see Colin standing there, without
jacket, waistcoat or cravat, she felt her breathing hitch. She quickly removed
the parchment from her person.

He closed the door behind him, then locked it. “This
time we won’t have Stemple interrupting us,” he said to her unspoken question.

“How was your dinner?”

“The Babcocks are interesting. Letty seemed to
enjoy herself. Rose less so. I learned one hundred and one ways to drive your
enemy to financial ruin. And I was invited to read my own books. More
importantly, what do you think of your poem?”

He said it in a casual manner, but Ava sensed her
answer mattered very much to him.

“I love it.”

There was a sense of relief to him that was almost
painful in its intensity. How could he possibly think she wouldn’t adore it?

“Do you like any parts in particular?”

She could hardly keep from laughing, but he seemed
for all the world like a schoolboy seeking approval. Though he was certainly
no boy.

“I love it as a whole. But, yes, there are parts
that I particularly enjoy.” There were parts she would reread for the rest of
her life and blush while doing so. Parts she would dream about on restless nights.
Not that the poem was improper. Well, it was a bit. But it wasn’t too
improper, just the right amount.

The room seemed to shrink as he approached. She was
still in her chair, still curled up. Yet everything was different.

“Did you like the part where I compared your eyes to
the richest chocolate?”

“That part made me hungry.”

“You make me hungry, Ava.”

Oh dear
.
Ava was growing warmer by the minute.

“Did you like the part where I said I would like to
walk these fields with you and lay you down in them?”

She nodded.

“Do you know what I would like to do with you in
those fields?”

“You left that part out.”

“Are you criticizing my writing, Ava?” he asked with
a grin.

“I am doing no such thing, Colin. I just think it
is a pity that your poem was incomplete.”

“How would you complete it, dear Ava?”

He’d finally reached her chair and lowered himself
to the floor in front of her. He reached up beneath her dress to find one
stockinged foot. He began massaging it. Everything about Ava was centered on
Colin’s touch. She never knew her foot could feel so good. Nor did she
realize the sensation could flood her entire body with feeling.

“I have not yet given you your present,” she said
softly.

“I cannot imagine any better present than to have
you here with me on a snowy night next to a warm fire.”

“I would like to get close to you, Colin. I want to
touch you and have you touch me.”

For a moment, he said nothing. Ava was beginning to
worry she’d made a fool of herself.

Finally, he spoke. “Ava. My sweet, darling Ava. I
cannot do that. You know my heart is not mine to give, though you would surely
have it if I could. And I cannot be so dishonorable as to seduce you, knowing
I cannot marry you.”

“Then let me seduce you. Tomorrow will take care of
itself. For tonight, it will just be you and I.”

Colin clenched his jaw. “I cannot do that. You
deserve better than this. Better than what I can give you.”

“Perhaps I am the better judge of what I want and
what I deserve. I will be no man’s wife. I will have no children. I am
destined to spend the rest of my life looking after other people’s nurseries.
Or working as a companion. Or as a chaperone. Or whatever work I can find.
That is the life ahead of me, Colin. Is it too much to ask that I experience
even some of what you alluded to in your beautiful poem? Or must I spend the
rest of my life wondering what could have been?”

“How do you know you will not marry?”

“Because I will not marry you. I am afraid that in
a few short days you have quite ruined me for other men.”

He said nothing. He simply continued running his hands
along her legs and feet.

She put her hand on his shoulder. “Colin, I believe
you like me. If your situation were different, we might have a future
together.”

“We would, dear Ava. God help me, we would.”

“Then do you not also deserve this night? Wouldn’t
you like to have this memory to think of occasionally? Don’t you want to
remember me this way? For, Colin, one thing is certain. I cannot stay once
you have a wife. It would be unfair to her and too hard for me.”

“But you cannot leave.”

“I cannot stay, Colin. Truly, I cannot. I will
begin sending inquiries to employment agencies in the morning. But let us make
the most of tonight.”

“I can’t take your innocence. That is a line I will
not cross.”

“But are there not other…activities we could do that
would allow us to be together without crossing that line?”

He nodded. Ava hoped he would acquiesce for she
wanted to have this one night with him. She ached with wanting.

He looked around. “This is not the setting I would
like,” he grumbled. “You deserve a featherbed and silk sheets.”

“We could go to your bedchamber.”

“No. For if I had you there, I would go too far.
It will be difficult enough to stop as it is. Are you sure you want this?
Absolutely sure?”

“Yes. Do you not want it, as well?”

“How can you even ask? How can you think I want
anyone but you?”

He reached up and kissed her, then pulled her to the
floor on top of him. He rolled her over, grabbing a pillow from the chair to
place under her head. He surrounded her with warmth. He filled her with joy.

She’d worn a dress that was easy to unfasten, hoping
this might happen. She did not know what she was doing and hoped her
inexperience would not put him off. She was so excited she could barely
breathe.

He quickly unfastened her gown, lifting her so he
could pull it down her shoulders. He kissed her through her plain cotton
chemise. Oh, how she wished she had something prettier for him to see.

“Beautiful,” he murmured, as he pressed his mouth to
her breasts, “and delicious.”

She tried to pull his shirt off him, but could
barely make her limbs function. “Off,” she said. “Take this off.”

“I would much rather undress you, love,” said Colin,
as he continued his exploration of her breasts.

“Please,” she said.

“What is this, Miss Conway? You are asking me to do
something and even saying please? I thought such civility was beyond you.”

“Hush! Remove your shirt now.”

“That is much more the Ava I know and love,” he said.

Ava’s heart skipped a beat at the mention of the
word “love.” But of course he did not mean it. He didn’t love her. Nowhere
in his beautiful poem had he said such a thing. He was a practiced rake – at
least she assumed he was, for he was extremely skilled and how could a person
become so except through practice? He likely used the word “love” with every
lady he seduced. She mustn’t read too much meaning into it. And if she
repeated that admonition enough perhaps it might take effect.

But probably not.

Colin likely didn’t realize he’d used the word, for
he was engaged in removing his shirt and pulling off her gown.

He lowered himself to her again and Ava was able to
run her hands over the bare muscles of his back. He groaned in a gratifying
manner and she was pleased that she was not the only one so affected by their
lovemaking.

They blended together, body and soul, as they lay on
the floor kissing and exploring. He’d opened her chemise to her waist but for
some reason had not removed it. Perhaps it was a last gesture to her
maidenhood, but she would just as soon jettison it if it meant being closer to
Colin.

She loved this man. Very much. And she knew there
would be no other. It had nothing to do with a lack of opportunities to meet
eligible men in the future. She would want no one else. Only Colin.

She would leave this place while she could. She had
no wish to dishonor his future bride by continuing on in his employ. But
tonight she would have this.

She deserved it. He deserved it.

They deserved to be together if only for one night.

*

Colin was in agony. Not just because his body was
afire with passion and he wanted nothing more than to make love to Ava, and not
just partway. He wanted to join with her as one and remain that way. Forever.

But he had not just himself to consider. He had his
sisters. And Ava, as well. If he married her, the future would be grim for all
of them. He was not sure he could even keep food on the table. They would
lose every bit of the estate that was not entailed and there was still a
possibility he would end up in debtors’ prison. That wasn’t a life for Ava.
To toil away, scraping by, when she might have a husband who would provide for
her. For he had no doubt that as soon as she left here, she would meet a
gentleman who would recognize her for the treasure she was. He would marry
her. They would make love morning, noon and night. She would make him laugh
and give him children who would be every bit as impertinent as their mother.
And they would all live happily ever after. It was what she deserved.

And the very thought of her doing that with another
man was making him miserable.

He only had tonight. He would not take her
innocence, no matter how he burned to be inside her. He would do nothing that
would prevent her from having the life she deserved, the damned husband she
deserved.

She was beneath him, heated, kissing and stroking
him as if there were no tomorrow. Because for them there couldn’t be a future.
He took a leisurely stroll down her body, past the beautiful breasts, skimming
her stomach. He took a turn and explored her right leg. The firm thigh, down
to the rounded calf. He discovered her foot was ticklish. He tried her left
foot to find it equally ticklish, almost receiving a kick in the chin as he did
so.

“I’m so sorry,” she said. “I couldn’t help it.”

“What if I were to kiss your foot for another few
moments?”

“I believe I would kick you again and not
apologize.”

“Then I believe I should continue my journey
upward.”

He kissed his way up her other leg, enjoying the way
she squirmed beneath him. As he reached the top of her leg, he moved over to
the heart of her.

“Colin! You shouldn’t be there!”

“Hush, sweetheart. I am exactly where I should be.
Exactly where I want to be.” He nuzzled her gently, then smiled as her hands
came down on his shoulders. He could tell she was torn between pushing him
away and pulling him toward her. He took the decision away from her as he
burrowed in to the heart of her, reveling in her gasps of pleasure.

He wanted to taste her. He needed to taste her. He
needed to remember everything about this night. But he had to make sure he did
not go too far. For if he truly made love to her, he would have to marry her.
He would have no alternative. But he couldn’t marry her. Could he?