Always and Forever (3 page)

3.

L
isa’s hands were trembling. When Matt reached for her, staring straight ahead but his hand locking over hers, fingers linking tight, she held on like he was her only lifeline. She couldn’t breathe. Why couldn’t she breathe?

How were they here? Why were they here? What had they done to deserve this? Would anyone notice if she just got up right now and walked out?

“Thank you for your patience.”

Lisa gulped, swallowing what felt like a rock in her throat as the oncologist walked into the room and shut the door behind them. She didn’t answer, just sat. A few months ago, she’d sat in a room just like this and heard the best news of her life. Now she was waiting to find out if she was dying. If she had cancer. If she . . . Lisa swallowed again, pushed the thoughts away, looked up at Matt. But he was impossible to read, and he was staring at the man who was now staring back at them. Surely the news couldn’t be that bad? She’d seen the baby; everything had looked fine. He’d looked perfect.

“I’m not going to lie. The prognosis is worse than we expected,” the oncologist said, sitting on the edge of his desk, not even taking a proper seat. “News like this is never easy to deliver, but I want you to know that I will do everything I can to help you beat this.” He paused. “The short of it is that you have cervical cancer, and because it’s at a more advanced stage than I’d hoped, we have some tough decisions to make.”

Lisa stared at him, fingers digging hard into her palm.
What kind of tough decisions?

“Lisa, I’m confident we can beat this long term, as long as you follow my immediate recommendations for treatment. The bleeding you experienced was related to the cancer, not your pregnancy, and although the baby is healthy, we need to focus on you and the right course of treatment for you.”

Lisa glanced at Matt, tried to speak, opened her mouth, but no noise came out.

“Is treatment going to affect the baby?” Matt asked, asking the question she needed the answer to, the only question she cared about right now. The question she’d begged Matt to ask for her in case she froze and couldn’t get it out. “Will he be okay?”

Her heart beat too fast, her palm sweaty against Matt’s as she stared at the doctor. Waiting. It was all they’d done the past week. Waited for news, waited for treatment options. Waited. Her mind was racing.
She couldn’t hurt the baby. She couldn’t have any treatment that would hurt him.

“Unfortunately, I can’t sugar-coat this. There’s no way to effectively treat you for advanced cervical cancer while you’re pregnant, not from what I’ve seen of all your results, and not if we want to save you.” The doctor folded his arms, looked uncomfortable. “It depends what is most important here, what you decide as a family. As your oncologist, my focus is you, Lisa. I want to do everything I can for you and that’s what my treatment plan is based upon. I want to start treatment immediately, and we can’t do that while you’re pregnant. I’m so sorry, but there’s just no easy way to say that.”

She felt like she was going to be sick. She ducked her head down, sucked back air. But Matt never let go of her hand and she clutched him tight. Tighter and tighter.

“What are you trying to say?” Matt asked. “That I have to choose between my wife and my baby?”

But Lisa didn’t need to ask . . . She could see from the doctor’s gaze, from the way he couldn’t maintain eye contact with her. She knew what he was going to say, what he meant.

“Essentially, yes. My recommendation is to terminate and begin her treatment immediately with surgery. We can discuss the actual treatment plan, but until . . .”

Lisa ran. She caught her shoe, heard her chair tumble as she stumbled and yanked open the door and ran. The waiting room was full, the smell of flowers overpowering, the receptionist’s eyes wide as she planted her hand over her mouth and kept running, slamming into the restroom door.

She only just made it to the toilet, doubled over as she vomited. She was sick over and over again until there was nothing left, hands on her belly as she sank to the floor. Her body was still heaving, the pain like knives stabbing every inch of her skin.

“Lisa?” Heavy footsteps echoed out. “Lisa!”

She couldn’t say anything, couldn’t push out a single word. Tears started to rain a steady beat down her cheeks, slipping into her mouth on their way down her face.

“Sweetheart,” Matt whispered, pushing the door open, hitting the ground as he wrapped her in his arms, held her tight, one hand stroking her hair, comforting her, loving her. “Hey, it’s all right. Everything’s going to be okay.”

“He wants to kill our baby,” she sobbed, her words barely audible as she choked them out.

Matt was silent, held her, pulled her onto his lap on the floor of the restroom as he cradled her to his chest.

“He wants to save you,” Matt whispered. “
I
want to save you.”

Lisa sobbed, the noises so loud they sounded more animal than human. She clutched his t-shirt, cried so hard that she soaked right through it. She didn’t want to save herself: she wanted to save her baby!

“Lis, it’s going to be okay. I promise.”

“Our baby,” she sobbed. “I want
our
baby.” Lisa pulled back, grabbed his hand and put it over her stomach, looked up at him through tear-blurred eyes. “Feel it. Feel our baby. I can’t just not be pregnant anymore, just get rid of our
child
.” She was hysterical, wished she could calm down but couldn’t. “We’re talking about our
baby
Matty. Our baby.
Our boy.
”

He stayed silent, kept hold of her and rocked her.

“Uh, is everything okay in here?” a voice echoed out.

“Leave us,” Matt yelled, holding her tighter, protecting her from the world.

Lisa caught her breath, got ahold of her tears, leaned into her husband and listened to the steady beat of his heart.

“Do you want me to do it?” she whispered. “Do you want to terminate?” She needed to hear him say no. She needed him to tell her that he’d never let that happen.

Matt’s big breath pushed his chest out against her cheek, but she stayed tucked against him, needing him more than anything else in the world.

“You know what I want?” he murmured into her hair.

She pulled back, met his gaze as she looked into his impossibly blue eyes. She knew this was hard for him too, but he was different. He was a man. Their baby wasn’t inside of him; it was inside of her, a part of her body right now. “What?”

“I want my wife
and
our baby. I want to flip the clock and figure out how the hell to change everything.”

Her eyes welled with tears again. “Me too,” she whispered.

“But you know what I want more than anything in the world?”

She blinked up at him.

“You. I want my wife. You’re what I want. You’re what I need.”

A shudder trawled her spine, sent goose pimples rippling across every inch of her skin. “You want me to do it? To abort our baby?” she asked, hardly able to believe what she was saying.

“Lisa, if we have this baby . . .” He didn’t finish his sentence.

She knew what he was going to say. She’d been up all night reading about options, praying that she wasn’t at an advanced stage so they could treat her after she’d given birth. “I might die,” she rasped. “If we have this baby, I could die, or he could end up delivered too early if I have treatment while I’m pregnant.”

She watched as he steeled his jaw, then looked away as his eyes filled with tears and he cleared his throat. Lisa knew what he was saying, knew that he was right even though she was so desperate for a different answer, for a different solution. How could she have cervical cancer? How could this be happening to her? She was so healthy. She’d always been so careful to stay fit and eat well.

“Lisa, you can’t die. Not on my watch, not if there’s a cure.”

“Because you want me more than you want the baby,” she finished for him, wanting to hate him, wanting him to say that he wouldn’t let anyone take their unborn child, that he didn’t care what the stakes were, that it was the baby he wanted to fight for. But she couldn’t.

Matt’s grunt told her she was right. Her skin had that stabbing feeling again, the pain in her heart so severe she wondered if she was having a heart attack.

“I can’t breathe,” she gasped, struggling for air, pushing back from him.

“Come here,” Matt commanded, scooping her up as he stood and kicking the door back open. He marched through the restroom, impossibly strong, impossibly heroic as he stormed out into the corridor to get her outside. She might not agree with him, might want to save their child instead of herself, but right now she wanted him to take charge, to get her the hell out of Dodge. She needed to get away from this building and she never, ever wanted to come back.

“I’m taking you home,” he muttered, not letting go, not putting her down for a second.

If only he could keep her safe forever, protect her and their baby from the big bad wolf banging on the door.

Her lungs finally felt like they were filling with air, her gasps no longer blindingly desperate. But she knew that the pain in her heart would never disappear, not until the day she died, not if she had to make the decision to say goodbye to a baby she hadn’t even had the chance to meet yet.

4.

M
att didn’t know what to do, but he could only stare out the window for so long. He wanted to get in his pick-up and drive to work, spend a few hours hammering nails and helping his guys get the framing up on the new house they had under construction, but he couldn’t. Lisa needed him and he somehow needed to figure out what to do for her. Their lives had changed so quickly. It had only been two weeks since the diagnosis and the awful decision they’d been forced to make.

He pulled out some fruit from the refrigerator and grabbed a knife, roughly chopped up some pineapple and watermelon. He knew Lisa usually made up super smoothies—hell, she made them for him all the time—but he hadn’t exactly been paying attention when she was doing it. He turned, reached for a banana and added that to his pile of fruit, before scooping it all up and putting it in the blender. He let it buzz away for a while before taking a tall glass down and pouring the smoothie in for her, then crossed his fingers and hoped he’d gotten it at least half right.

He forced a smile and walked down to their bedroom. She wasn’t there.

“Lisa?” he called out, wondering if she was in the bathroom. He looked in but still didn’t find her.

“Lisa?” he called again, walking back down the hall.

Then he saw that the door to the nursery was open, instead of slightly ajar like he’d left it. He looked in and saw her curled up on the big armchair she’d planned on using for feeding.

“Hey,” he said softly.

She looked up. The skin under her eyes was dark, her face pale, hair pulled back into a tight ponytail. Lisa had never been the sweatpants kind of girl, always in a skirt or dress or pretty top that she’d designed, but today she was wearing sweatpants and one of his t-shirts, which swamped her body.

“You, uh . . . you okay?” He cringed, knowing from the look of her that she was definitely
not
okay.

She didn’t reply, just turned and looked away. Maybe she was staring out the window, maybe at the crib.

“I made you this,” Matt said, closing the distance between them and holding out the glass. “Made with love, but it might not taste as good as the ones you make.”

She didn’t turn so he put it on the dresser beside her.

“Ha ha. You’ve had a lot of practice, though. I’ve still got my training wheels on.” His voice sounded hollow.

When she still didn’t turn, Matt looked skyward, wished someone up there could help him. He stood and waited, turned to scan the room. He’d spent so much time in here, had been so excited about getting it ready for their little boy, and it hurt to know that wasn’t going to happen. But it wasn’t a patch on the pain he felt at seeing his wife suffer.

He mustered some courage and put a hand on Lisa’s shoulder. “Hey, turn around.”

At first she didn’t move, then she slowly angled her body back toward him. He could see tears in her eyes.

“Drink this,” he suggested, reaching for the glass and passing it to her. She took it, but she didn’t drink it. “Are you in pain? The doctor said there would be bleeding, so if there’s anything I can do . . .”

“I had milk,” she suddenly gasped. “I know they told me it could happen, but my boobs are so sore and then milk came out and I had to use the breast pads I had for after the baby.”

Matt dropped to his knees. He had no idea what to do, what he was supposed to say.

“Sweetheart, I . . .” He was lost for words. The day of the termination would haunt him forever, knowing his baby was being born, only to die immediately. That it was too early for him to even have a one percent chance of survival. The pain on Lisa’s face that day, seeing the light go out in her eyes as she was wheeled away from him.

“But there’s no baby. My body doesn’t even know that.”

“I, um . . . We need to keep up your fluids, right? I mean, we were supposed to make sure that you had lots of water, and . . .”

“I don’t want fucking water, Matt! I want our baby! Did you even hear what I just said?”

Matt stared at her, wasn’t used to hearing her swear like that. “I’m just trying to help. Look, I know this is hard on you—hell, it’s hard on me, too, but we’ll have another baby. This nursery isn’t going to sit here unused, because we’re going to get you better and then we can try again, as soon as the doctor gives us the all-clear.”

Lisa just stared at him and he didn’t know what she was thinking. He took her hand and pressed a kiss to it.

“I love you, Lisa.”

She gave him a sad smile, tears falling down her cheeks. He gently brushed them away with his thumb.

“We’re so lucky that we caught this early enough to treat it. I’m so lucky I still have you.”

She stayed silent, looked so lifeless staring back at him.

“What can I do? Just tell me what I can do for you.”

Lisa looked away again. “Just leave me. We terminated our baby less than two days ago, so just let me sit here alone and grieve for our little boy.”

Matt stood. He couldn’t see the point of staying if she didn’t want him. “So should I leave the smoothie?” he asked.

Lisa didn’t answer him so he just left it, closing the door behind him. He walked back into the kitchen and leaned on the counter. Maybe he would have been better off just going to work. This wasn’t the Lisa he knew, and he sure as hell wasn’t used to their roles being flipped. Lisa had always been the one looking after him, only until now he hadn’t realized just how much he relied on her.