All That I Need (Secret Desires) (2 page)

The laughter was amazing, and when he looked at me with his bedroom eyes, I knew it was time to go home. He was ready once again, and finally, after so much time apart, we would make love.

“I’ve missed you,” I whispered, a soft smile spreading across my lips.

Reaching over, Austin took my hand in his, “I’ve missed you too.”

Leaving the restaurant, we barely made it to the car. Leaning me into it, his kisses were sweet.  We stood in the parking lot making out like teenagers, our lips reconnecting after a long hiatus. His soft lips against my own, our mouths hungry, our tongues exploring, we needed more.

I missed his touch, his desire, and knew once again I’d be in Austin’s arms where I belonged. I could barely keep my hands off of him as we drove home. I stroked his thigh, with the promise of more. Rubbing against him, I saw Austin getting hard for me. I smiled quietly, knowing I’d feel him inside of me…it had been awhile, and I was ready to be with my husband again. Too much time had passed since we’d been intimate.

Once inside, we wasted no time. His touch was soft, as his hands slowly undressed my body. No words were spoken; I think we were both afraid to ruin the moment. Shedding our clothing, we wrapped our nakedness around one another, arms, legs, and bodies pressed together.

I couldn’t stop the tears of joy once they started. I’d missed Austin, my dear, sweet Austin, and now once again we were melting into one another, and sharing our love. Did he miss me too?

His mouth was wet and warm, and milking my skin, suckling at my neck. My eyes closed as he nuzzled into me. His lips caressing me, I sighed quietly, getting lost in the feeling of my husband’s desire.

We were one again, his hands tracing the curves of my body. It was beautiful, and for a moment in time, we came together sharing our love.

Our legs tangled, and as he penetrated me, I gasped feeling the fullness within me. It had been too long since the last time we found pleasure in one another.

I watched him move over me, thrusting in and out, our sighs and moans filling the air. After finishing, he collapsed beside me on the bed. Curling into him, he wrapped his arm around me and pulled me close. Our whispers of love meant the world to me. We hadn’t shared a moment like this in ages. Lying naked with my husband, satisfied, I finally felt secure in my marriage once again.

Chapter Three

I’m not sure what triggered it. Nothing made sense. He came home from school one day and announced he was quitting. He lost interest, and would find something else. I was stunned. Just like that, he was giving up. It wasn’t up for discussion, and slowly he started to shut down again. How? Why now?

There was no reasoning with him, and without knowing why this happened so suddenly, it threw us for a loop. I was foolish to believe it was all over.

“At least explain it to me…” I pleaded, trying to make sense of it all.

He shut me out, before I could ask anymore. “It’s not up for discussion. I’ve made my decision.”

“Austin,” I was frustrated, and my tone was getting louder. “We’re supposed to be a team; you can’t just bail on me.” My mind was churning, wondering where his thoughts were.

“This isn’t about you,” he said, stomping away.

“It’s about both of us,” I yelled behind him.

“This conversation is over,” he said spinning around. “Do you understand?” His tone was harsh, and left no room for movement.

I backed down, and let him walk away. Truth be told, I was afraid for his future – our future. How could I support us both if he didn’t have a career? He seemed to enjoy school, and then this – why?

I was at a loss. Do I call the school and ask if something happened? Doing that would betray him, and yet I was left in the dark. I decided against contacting them. It wasn’t my business, and they may not even know. I’d have to support his decision, even though everything inside of me knew it was a mistake.

When my period was late, I kept the news to myself. I wanted to enjoy the idea, but maybe it was too soon for us to have a family. Austin didn’t have a job, he’d just quit school, and I had no idea how we’d get by…but if I was pregnant, if we were going to have a child…how could I not be excited.

Only I kept it to myself. I was afraid he’d ruin it, not share in my joy, and for now it would be my secret. I’d grab a pregnancy test on the sly and find out soon enough. Just the seed of the idea had me smiling, though moments of doubt set in too. Maybe it’s not a good time, maybe I should hope it’s negative…only I wanted it to be true. I wanted to be a mother.

I was late enough that I knew it was time to test. On my lunch break one afternoon, I stood in the aisle of the pharmacy staring at the pregnancy tests. There were so many, and while they all did the same thing, I examined each box like it was a science experiment, trying to decide which test to buy.

I finally picked one and stood frozen, looking at the box in my hands. What would it mean if it was positive? How would we adapt, would I be able to count on Austin, and would he even be happy? I hated that it came down to this. I always thought we’d be doing this together, and it would be a fun, joyous occasion. Yet here I was on an undercover mission, not certain what I wanted the test to tell me.

I paid for the pregnancy test, and shoved it into my purse. I’d have to take it in the morning, and let my mind play with possibilities. The truth would be staring me in the face soon enough. I had no idea what I’d tell Austin, and decided I’d let the test decide for me. If I’m not pregnant, there’s no reason to even mention it, and if I am – well, I’ll figure it out later.

I should have called Heather and talked to her about it, but since she wasn’t at work anymore, I didn’t share every tiny detail of my life with her. I was happy for her, I knew she wanted to stay home with AJ, and was living her dream as a full-time mother. A surprise promotion for Scott allowed Heather to go from her new part-time position, to pulling up her roots and staying home full time to raise their child. I missed seeing her daily, but was happy for her.

If I called my mother, she’d make me worry more, since she’s convinced having a child is a mistake with everything that’s going on. I felt trapped and alone, not knowing who to talk to about my situation. I wanted to talk to Austin, but that option left me with an upset stomach. I’d have to figure it out by myself, at least for now.

I must have woken up fifteen times through the night. I was anxious to take the test in the morning, and wanted to be stealth in my movements. I finally crawled out of bed a little bit after five. Austin was asleep, and none the wiser.

Digging through my purse, I pulled the pregnancy test out, and headed for the bathroom as quietly as I could creep.

Taking a deep breath, I pulled the little wand out of the box and removed it from the sealed packaging it came in. Staring at the stick, I double checked the directions, even though I knew what to do. It’s pretty standard, but it was the moment of truth.

Scanning the directions, I exhaled, noting a positive symbol meant you were pregnant. I leaned over and locked the door, and got down to business. I awkwardly stuck the little wand beneath me, and waited. My nerves had my body tensed up, and I had to relax before I could finally go.

I placed it on the counter, staring at the test. It was now or never. I watched as the symbol started to appear. After a couple of minutes, I knew it wouldn’t change. There was no doubting the positive symbol that showed up. I was pregnant. Maybe it was a mistake. I should probably go to the doctor to double check, or I could buy another test while I’m out.

I stared at the test, lifting it off the counter and focusing on the little symbol that told me my fate. I didn’t know how I felt. I wanted to be excited, run in and wake up Austin, and yet I wasn’t ready to tell him. Not yet. I was scared, uncertain what our future would hold, but I knew one thing for sure, I was pregnant.

Maybe it was selfish, but I didn’t want him to take away my excitement with a less than stellar reaction. I’d sit with the news for a while, and tell him later. I wasn’t ready to share this, not yet. I was going to be a mother, and as that filled my mind, my hand instinctively went down to my belly.
I’m going to be a mother
.

I palmed the pregnancy test and shoved it in a drawer before climbing back into bed. Austin was still sleeping, and crawling under the covers, I stared at the ceiling contemplating the news. I cupped my belly with my hands, knowing my body would grow and change as our baby grew. A baby – the word filled my mind…we’re having a baby. A small smile spread across my lips.

I wished I could wake Austin in the excitement, and yet I didn’t know if this was good news or not in Austin’s eyes. I hated that part of the equation, and for that reason I decided to keep it to myself. For at least a little while, I’d revel in my new status – pregnant.

I had no idea what we were going to do. With Austin quitting school, and no job in site, how would he help support us? My own job was limiting, and I guess I would get some maternity leave, but would it be enough? I hated how a barrage of questions started to plague me. I wanted to relish in the news, but instead I was faced with too many open ended questions.

Finally falling back asleep, the alarm buzzed startling me out of my slumber. Looking over at Austin, I watched him hit the alarm and then roll over. “Time to get up,” he whispered to me.

“Morning,” I said, giving him a small kiss and climbing out of bed.

Austin turned over and pulled the blankets over his head to block the light, as I clicked on the lamp.

“Any plans today?” I asked hopeful.

“No,” he said.

“Maybe look for a job?”

“I’ll think about it,” he grunted.

“I need to get a shower,” I answered, having been ripped out of my earlier blissful state. I can’t tell him, not yet. Neither of us is ready, and yet I couldn’t help but be a little excited about the baby news.
I’ll tell him soon
.

Washing my body, I ran the bar of soap across me, wondering how long it would take before I showed. When would I be in maternity clothes, and when would I feel the little flutter of our baby moving inside of me? I couldn’t wait to grab a bunch of books and read about my upcoming experience. There was just one little hurdle to overcome – sharing the news with Austin.

I’d have to do it sooner than later, because I’d be showing at some point, and if I was reading books about pregnancy, and wow, what if I got morning sickness? Thankfully, so far I hadn’t experienced any of that.

Rinsing off, I turned off the water and reached for a towel. Drying my body, I looked over at Austin buried under the covers, sleeping once again. With a deep sigh, I finished toweling off. I have to tell him, it’s the right thing to do. Maybe it will be the push he needs to find a job, or maybe he could even get back into school if he talks to somebody. I wanted to feel hopeful, but instead all I felt was dread. Maybe I’ll do it after work – not now.

Chapter Four

I sat in my car gripping the steering wheel, knowing I had to tell my husband. I was sitting in front of the house, but I couldn’t bring myself to get out of the car. Hot tears ran down my cheeks. I felt like my moment of excitement was robbed from me. What should have been a beautiful moment, a joyous occasion, was anything but that. Instead I was hesitant to tell Austin, and nervous he’d react poorly.

What then? How would I deal with that? I wiped away my tears with the back of my hand, and finally got out of the car. It was now or never. I didn’t like having a secret, and this was something incredible to share – still it felt scary.

Letting myself in, I placed my purse on the small table by the door and went to find Austin.

I found him in bed, right where I left him this morning. I felt disgust and held my tongue. I’d tell him later. “Did you even get out of bed today?”

“Why does it matter? I didn’t have anything to do.”

I sat on the edge of the bed, “You’re sliding again,” I said, biting my cheek, stopping myself from yelling. I was frustrated we were back to this, a lack of motivation and his moods dictating our future.

“I’m fine,” he groaned from under the covers.

“Austin, this isn’t healthy for either of us.”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” he said, rolling away from me.

“Would you please talk to somebody, anybody about it? You’re heading right back into desolate territory again, and I don’t know how to help you.”

“I don’t need your help, and I don’t need you to fix me. I’m not broken, I’m simply distracted.”

We both knew that was a lie.

“Austin,” I held my tongue and walked away before saying anything else. Nagging wouldn’t do either of us any good.

He was shutting down again. I have no idea why, and he wasn’t sharing. All I knew was that he dropped out of his schooling, we had bills to pay, and I didn’t know where his future would be. We had a baby coming, and my salary alone wouldn’t be enough to raise a family.

I needed him to feel inspired, and want to get out there. The only thing he wanted to do was sit in his chair by the television or sleep. What happened to the man I loved?

I sat on the secret of my pregnancy a little longer, uncertain how to break the news without bursting into tears. I was worried I was alone in the marriage at this point, and didn’t know how to get him back. He was distant, not wanting to talk, shutting down, and wouldn’t take calls from friends.