As I parked the ATV, he strutted over to me and lifted me up into his strong arms. It was like hugging a solid mass of muscle. I loved the feeling of him against my body. I didn’t know if was my euphoric feeling of getting into Yale, or Jagger himself, but he was fucking hot and I wanted to just devour him. I breathed in his manly mix of Jagger. His smell was my undoing. I fucking loved it. I could lick him up and down, all day long. His eyes, alluring and hypnotizing, drew me in closer. By the way Jagger was looking at me, he was just as ravenous for me, as I was for him. I loved him…so much.
“For a minute there, I thought I was hallucinating. Are you actually on one of my daddy’s ATVs?” he asked, as he kissed my neck and left a trail of kisses, leaving me wanting more.
“Actually, I’m in your arms at the moment and wishing we were fucking,” I responded.
His eyes brightened as if I secretly guessed what he was thinking. I continued, “So, getting back to your question, I’m not on an ATV.”
“I stand corrected,” he responded. “Thank you for clearing that matter up for me, and yes, my love, I wish we were making love, you dirty girl. I swear you need a good hiding.”
“Why? Are you volunteering?”
“Yes. So what did I do to deserve a visit from you? Or are we going to keep playing this game?”
“You know you love it.”
“I do, baby, and I love you, but I don’t think it’s the reason why you drove out here, so what’s up?”
“This.”
I pulled out my letter from my pocket and showed it to Jagger. He nearly dropped me on my ass from shock. I remained in his arms, and my legs wrapped around his waist, as he silently read on.
“You got in? You really are going?”
“Hell yeah! I’m going. It says it right there.” I pointed to the letter. “I’m going to Yale, and you are coming with me. Don’t you see, Jagger? This is just the beginning of our new life together.”
He dropped the letter to the ground and placed me down along with it. He turned away from me and walked over to the fence. With his head down low, I quietly asked him what was wrong.
“You don’t know, do you? How could you stand here looking all happy about leaving our home? When you first told me about Yale, I didn’t think you were serious about it. I really thought it was your way of messing with your parents. Now here you stand and show me an acceptance letter from one of the most elite schools in the country, and behaving as if I should just be okay with it. What the fuck, Ten! How could you do this to me? And more importantly to us?”
He kicked the fence post with his boot and screamed out in pain. His cries made me step back for a moment. I had never seen him angry before, not like this, and not directed at me.
“Jagger, listen to me, please. This letter represents our future. My future with you. Don’t you see? It’s a new beginning. A chance for us to be out on our own and living the life we want to have.”
“No, Tenley. This is your life, not mine. I thought you understood. My life is here on this ranch. This is my future. The only fucking future I want. Jesus, Tenley! I had hoped you would have wanted to share it with me. This ranch is my life. You, Tenley Faith Fairchild, are part of that. How could you think for one second I would want anything else?”
His words were breaking my heart. I couldn’t believe I didn’t see this coming. I had a difficult choice to make here, and deep down I knew my choice would break his heart, but what about mine? I’m caught in an impossible situation, and I feel defeated. I could stay here and live his dream with him on this ranch, or I can break free and follow my dreams. If I said yes to him now, I fear I would only resent him later, and then where would that leave us?
“I’m sorry, Jagger,” I said to him, “but I’m going. It’s clear we want different things for our future, and it’s not in each other’s world. We don’t fit, not anymore. We were the perfect puzzle, and now we’re just broken pieces.”
“You’re going? That’s it? You just kick me out of your life as If I never meant anything to you? I love you, Ten. You are going to stand here and say we don’t fit in the other’s world? You are my world! My entire world! Why can’t you see that? We can have it all. I am going to take this ranch further than my father ever could, and at the top of my list is to marry you. You are meant to be a Parrish. To think anything else is just irrefutable. Don’t break my heart baby. Please stay with me.”
The look in Jagger’s eyes was slicing my heart to shredded ribbons. I knew my decision was breaking him, but I couldn’t say no to Yale, not even for him.
“I’m sorry, Jagger. I love you. Something tells me I will always love you. If nothing else, please believe that, but this is your dream, not mine. I’m so sorry.”
“No! Stop saying that, Ten. This is our dream…and I know you want this. You’re just messing with your parents to piss them off. Okay, you won. Once again you showed your mother you are so much more than how she sees you. Baby, I love you. Please don’t do this. Give yourself some time to really think what you leaving means and the impact it will have on our relationship.”
“You’re wrong Jagger,” I hissed at him. “This is not about my parents, and I have nothing to prove to them. My mother may not be on board with my choice of career, but she would never be as cruel as you are being right now. And for your information, my father and Jamie know already, and they couldn’t be happier for me. I just want out. This is my life! And I will live it on my terms.”
“What the fuck, Tenley! I’m being cruel? That’s fucking rich coming from you. You are standing here on my ranch and telling me that I no longer have a say to anything that concerns you, or us. I am your boyfriend, your future husband who loves you. Please, Tenley, you are cutting me to the quick here. Don’t. Leave. Me. You see where you are standing? Look over to the horizon, you see our spot? How many nights did we spend making love under the stars, planning our future, and chasing the dream of a life we both want? I just don’t understand you at all. And now in the wake of your independence, I get left behind with a broken heart. What about Shane? Or Wendy? I guess they lose too?”
“Stop it Jagger, please stop.” I held my hand over my breaking heart. “You know I love them too. It’s not fair to make me feel guilty over something I want for my life. If you know Wendy at all, you would know she would never ask me to stay or hold me back from my dreams, and that goes double for Shane. Have I been that blind? I thought you would be happy for me…for us. Why is the one person who I’ve given myself over to completely and unconditionally doubting me now? You’re not the only one asking why?”
“What if Jamie gets sick again? Would you leave him? And the ranch you hate so much to follow your dreams?” he said, mockingly. A tone he never used. The bitter taste of his harsh words was making my stomach churn.
“Oh my god! How the fuck can you even say that to me? I love my brother more than anything, even you Jagger. He’s strong and healthy. You’re angry, I get that, but saying these things to hurt me back is just cruel. I have faith he will continue to stay in remission. I never said I hated my family’s ranch. This is the only home I know and love, but just because I want more for my life, doesn’t lessen the feeling I have for my home. And for you to involve Jamie into something private between us is incredibly unfair. I’m asking you to leave my brother out of this.”
“I can’t Tenley. He’s my best friend, and Shane too. Brothers to me, and I can’t just stand here and pretend that you leaving us is okay. You’re decision here today does affect your brother, don’t fool yourself thinking it doesn’t. I look around to this beautiful land that God has given us, and then to my hands that will work this land and make it prosper for all good things to come. This is our life, Tenley. Ranching is in our blood, and we are planning to run this ranch as partners. It’s what we always wanted.”
“I know, Jagger, and that’s what makes what I will say next so hard for you to hear, and to accept. Please listen to me. The four of us have been the perfect shape. Once upon a time, we did fit perfectly together. Our friendship has met everything to me, and when you and I decided to be more than friends, I thought I couldn’t get any happier than I already was. You were my first love, but I have to pick me now and put me first. I love you, Jagger…always and forever. Love doesn’t come down to ultimatums. Love should be the easiest thing you do in life, and it has been for me since the day you told me you loved me. If you love me the way you say you do, then don’t ask me to choose.”
“How did I not see it?” he asked.
“See what?”
“You are so spoiled. So incredibly selfish and absorbed. You didn’t have it that rough, Ten, if anything, you had it way too good. Your parents have given you everything you could ever want, and yet it still isn’t enough for you. No one is perfect, and that is a lesson you better get straight sooner rather than later.”
“Are you done?” I asked Jagger.
“I haven’t even started. I love you, Tenley, so fucking much. Next to Shane and Jamie, you’ve been my best friend. You are the one and only that occupies space in my head and heart. From the moment you could ride, I remember your father saying you had natural fire flowing through your veins. ‘A free spirit,’ all the ranch hands used to call you. ‘Tumbleweed’ was the perfect nickname for you. You just loved to run and soar on the back of Jazzy. Why can’t you feel that free with me? I love you, baby, and I thought you loved me.”
“Jagger, I do love you, but I have to love me too. Why can’t you understand that? I want more than this ranch. I want to see the world and live in it on my own terms.”
“Fine. Go, Tenley. Go out in the big fucking world and be the selfish bitch you are. Get the fuck off my ranch. You are no longer welcomed here.”
“You don’t mean that. Jagger, please, don’t send me away. Not like this.”
My tears were falling faster than I could wipe them away. I wanted Jagger to hold me. How did we get here? We were perfectly happy a couple of hours ago, and now we were thousands of miles apart from each other.
“What other choice do I have, Tenley? You are the one that is leaving me, not the other way around. Go! Go be a fancy lawyer in your big world. I hope it makes you happy, because at the end of the day, that’s all you may have left. Now. Get. The. Fuck. Off. My. Ranch.”
Shattered…
“I love you. I’m sorry,” was all I could say. I wasn’t sure if he even heard me say those words to him. I was crying so loud and my voice was breaking in between, just like my heart.
Before he could say another word, I ran for the ATV and sped away recklessly, leaving my helmet to fall to the ground. Jagger screamed out for me, but I kept driving until I got back to the main house. I parked the ATV and sped off into my Jeep. I cried all the way home, and just before turning onto my property, I turned around and went the opposite direction. I had to go to my thinking place, which was still on my property but miles away from the main house. My father had a fishing cabin near the river. It wasn’t a shack by any means. It was a huge one bedroom cabin that he had built when I was around ten years old. He used to tease my mother that he needed a place to go to when they argued. The only thing is…they never argued. They would have what they called spats, and usually over something so stupid they would end up laughing about it.
I was the fighter in our family. Constantly disagreeing with my mother about my hair, my clothes, everything. We were oil and water, my father used to say. How right he was. This cabin held the best memories I had of Jagger. I lost my virginity in this cabin. When his grandfather died suddenly, Jagger and I came here to be alone. I lit a fire and held him as he cried for hours. This is where Jagger and I declared our love for one another. Sealing a commitment between us and making a pact to be best friends forever.
I found the hideaway key under the flower pot and let myself in. I wasn’t going to cry, so I decided to drink my sadness away by breaking into daddy’s liquor cabinet. I had my pick. I went in hard, why settle? The more I numbed my body, I knew it would mask the hurt in my heart.
Hours had gone by, and I was alone. After my third beer and another shot of Tequila, I fell asleep for a while only to be woken up by a loud bang on my door.
Jagger!
It had to be him coming out to apologize and make us right again. I stumbled my tipsy body to the door, only to find Shane standing on the other side of it.
“Hey beautiful,” he said so sweetly. One look from Shane, and I let the tears flow again. He instinctively picked me up and held me in his arms. I buried my face into the crook of his neck. My tears were like a faucet that couldn’t be shut off. After how I left Jagger, I knew I shouldn’t feel sorry for myself, but Shane holding me made me feel wanted and protected.
“Now, now. It can’t be that bad. Dry your tears and talk to me,” he said.
I stopped my crying and asked him how he found me out here. He laughed.
“Does a fish need water to survive? Of course I knew you were here. It wasn’t that hard, beautiful girl. You always come here to think, or when you’re fighting with Jagger.”
“You can’t fight with someone that you no longer have a relationship with. We broke up today. It’s over. He hates me.”
“Impossible. He doesn’t hate you. He’s just damn angry with you right now, but hate is not an emotion he knows or will ever know when it comes to you.”
“So he called you after I left?” I asked him.
“He did. Jagger called me. He was pretty torn up.”
“Where is he?”
“He’s out. He’s probably licking his wounds like you are right now. Come on. I’ll take you home.”
“No, Shane. I’m not going home. I’m staying here. Will you please stay with me? I don’t want to be alone anymore. Please say yes, and don’t leave me.”
God, I sounded needy and pathetic.
“Leaving you is the last thing I want to do, Tenley. I love you with all of my heart, I always have.” The tone of Shane’s voice shifted into something I had never heard before.
“I love you too, Shane. You’re one my best friends.” I watched him as his body language changed. He looked so serious.