Authors: Lourdes Bernabe
I got down to shoot once more and to my surprise, I couldn’t. I tried again. This time I got down and aligned the cue with more concentration and it just wouldn’t straighten up.
The balls seemed to move altogether as if on a bed of ice. Shamefully I looked at Bill and admitted, “I think I’m drunk now.” We both laughed a little. “I know I shouldn’t be announcing it like that, but yeah. I’m definitely drunk!”
“Shh…Keep your voice down or the lepers will hear,” he whispered jokingly.
“And I believe the common terminology you American’s use is ‘white girl wasted.’” I laughed hysterically at his knowledge of that amazing piece of American culture.
Ahh.
I needed some fresh air.
“I’m gunna smoke a cigarette,” I said. “You smoke?”
“I do,” he replied.
I snatched my purse from the bar and practically lit my cigarette before even opening the front door. It was a bit nippy out but the booze did a good job of keeping me warm and cozy. Bill lit his cigarette and stared out onto the highway
. Even in my drunken state I could see he was deep in thought. He kept up with my drinking but he wasn’t drunk. Not even a little. This enamored me even more. I didn’t particularly enjoy the company of drunken men. Even if I
was
drunk.
Bill took yet another pull of his cigarette and turned his attention back to me. He wasn’t a man for wasting words.
Which is why he startled me when he suddenly spoke. “I like you Jolene. I don’t know much but I think I like you,” he said.
Normally, this would be the part where if I haven’t already done so, I plan
ned out the untimely death of a new friend. But… as it seemed, that evil part of me lay at bay. I hoped it was resting because I didn’t sense it at all. Why didn’t I want to kill him right here and now?
“You have nothing to say?” he asked.
I didn’t. Not really. But I couldn’t just stand here and say nothing. And so I said anything that might make him more comfortable. “I had fun with you tonight, Bill.” I could have reciprocated with an,
I like you too,
but it felt strange and awkward. More so, it would have been a lie. I had quite a bit of alcohol in my system, I hadn’t the slightest idea how I felt towards him.
The alcohol
was getting the best of me. I was incapable of navigating the jagged directions of my unusually tame thoughts. I couldn’t be sure which way was up nor down. Here I was, standing with this beautiful man and I was at a loss for…words? I didn’t know what to say and I didn’t know what to do. My behavior for the night had been far too questionable. What the fuck was I doing here in the first place? This wasn’t the place for me.
“I gotta go,” I said. I plucked
my keys out of my purse and started walking towards the car. I didn’t say good bye. I didn’t wait for him to wave or say anything. I didn’t want a goodbye or anything that even resembled a goodbye. I wanted to flee the scene as quickly as possible. That was my M.O.
I scanned the lot for my Jeep and quickened my pace as I got closer and closer. I heard his steps crackle
over the graveled lot as his footsteps followed in my direction. Suddenly, I stopped and pivoted my foot 180 degrees back to face him and he almost walked right through me. He stopped himself no more than 12 inches from my face. My drunken state couldn’t feel the chill but Bill exhaled the visibly cold air into my face. I didn’t shy away. I forced myself to reciprocate his fiercely disarming glare.
T
hen, as his eyes twinkled mysteriously, he suddenly threw me back against the front of my Jeep. The high rise of the front bumper went straight into my back and I questioned the amount of force he was exerting and winced at the slight twinge of pain. But I didn’t dare move. I wasn’t sure what he would do next, but I wasn’t afraid. Maybe I should have been. I couldn’t describe the perverted feelings or wicked thoughts that raced through my mind. This was so incredibly bizarre.
He cocked his head to the side a
s he stood before me and smiled. “You sick and twisted little girl,” he said.
Under normal
circumstances, I would have been offended at the ‘little girl’ remark. Expletives would have spewed from my mouth faster than my brain could have processed. But I was so confused. How was it he could read me so well? The perfectly crafted porcelain mask I wore on a daily basis was cracking into bits and pieces.
“You like
that, don’t you?” he asked. Not a word left my lips as I listened for more. My ears practically protruded out of my head trying to catch every word that left his lips. The slightest word could hint at what he was thinking and I desperately wanted to know. He spoke with such distinction that every word sounded simply divine.
“You
looked like you liked it when I just threw you against that car. Please don’t deny it,” he said. He aimed his right index finger in my direction like he’d just found what he had been looking for. It was overly dramatic for my tastes. “The look on your face says it all,” he smiled again.
W
ithout waiting for any sort of response from me, he decisively spun his heel on the gravel and headed back towards the bar. “Goodnight Jolene,” he whispered as he walked away. He looked straight ahead and didn’t look back. I watched him disappear amongst the rows of cars and hurried into my Jeep. I wasted no time driving off.
I drove for miles before noticing
the loud roaring of the engine. The speedometer read 85 and I immediately pressed my right foot on the break. The car suddenly swerved to the left but I regained control before I toppled over the Jersey. I turned the radio on to tune out my own disturbing thoughts of murderous lust. I just wanted to quiet the sounds whirring around in my mind. What a total mind fuck.
Chapter 20
Half an hour later I trudged up the never-ending stairs to my apartment and headed towards my door. Loud music was still coming from the apartment next door and I made a mental note to pay my considerate neighbors a visit in the morning. I was too drained for a neighborly cat fight. It wasn’t worth the effort.
A small ray of light emanated from the bottom slit of my apartment
door and I paused. There wasn’t cause for immediate alarm but still. Had I really left the light on? I really
was
losing it.
I slid
my key into the lock and opened the door. I should have been surprised to see him sitting there. But I wasn’t. Not really. There was Eric sitting at the island counter in the middle of my kitchen drinking from a mug of coffee. His face looked stone-hard. But I also saw a hint of sadness. Eric wasn’t outraged. He was dejected.
I hadn’t prepared for dejected
. If I was expecting anything, it would not have been Eric sitting here in my kitchen at 2AM. I closed the door behind me and turned the lock. I ignored the annoying heavy metal coming through the walls. I turned to face him again and gently placed my purse on the counter. I grabbed a stool and wrapped it around under my leg so I could sit right in front of him. I suspected this could become a rather long-winded conversation. I mentally prepared myself for the upcoming third degree. It might even progress into the fourth depending on how much honesty I was ready to toss his way.
“I drove all the way home before I got the sudden urge to come back and
be with you,” he said. “I bet you can imagine my confusion when I found this place empty and your car gone?”
“
I know this looks bad,” I said audibly, just above a whisper.
“Looks bad?” he asked. His nostrils flared. “Looks bad? Shit, bad was when you practically threw me out of bed after we’d just made love,” he
laughed. “Who the hell am I kidding? Jolene, you don’t make love, you fuck. And that’s bad enough, but you add on to that by going to God-knows where in the middle of the night,” his voice trailed off. He looked like he might start to cry soon.
I loathed myself for being the cause of so much of his anguish. I
’d truly hurt him. Why was it I could only be happy when he was in so much pain? I really was as cold as he claimed. “Please let me explain,” I begged. I just needed to get in a few words but he wouldn’t allow it.
“As if that’s not enough for you Jolene. As if everything
else wasn’t bad enough, I call you half a dozen times and you can’t even pick up the god-damned phone? Why the fuck can’t you answer the phone? HUH? Why?” he had long- passed being loud and was now full on yelling at me as he pointed an accusatory finger in my face. All I heard was
Why Why Why Why
over and over again. I found myself thanking my annoying neighbor’s for blaring the music at full volume.
Eric had begun to pace
round and round the island and I suddenly felt as if I had somehow morphed into an interrogation scene from Law & Order. Eric wasn’t properly dressed for the role of a cop or a Lawyer but his facial expressions and general tone of voice were spot on. I, on the other hand, didn’t take to the hot seat too well.
I grabbed my purse and started looking for my phone as he continued on and on.
I knew I hadn’t received any calls tonight. He was going nuts. I shot up from the stool and flipped my purse upside down to empty its contents. I didn’t see my phone anywhere. “I gotta go back to my car real quick,” I interrupted Eric’s long winded lecture.
“For what, now?
” he yelled. Apparently, my going to the car was going to finally bring his ears to belt out steam. “I think I left my phone in the car.”
“Haven’t you been listening to anything I fucking said?” he asked still yelling at a far higher decibel than necessary considering
it was 2 AM. Then again, the heavy metal was doing a fine job of drowning out the sounds.
“Huh? What?” I asked.
“I just told you that I called you a bunch of times and someone else answered the phone. A man,” he said.
My heart stopped suddenly
to listen closely to whatever else it was that Eric was saying. I held my breath and didn’t move. I stood there looking at him, waiting for the rest of the information to come.
“Some guy answered your phone and
said you left it at a gas station and that you could come pick it up in the morning.”
“Yeah, it must have slipped out
of my pocket when I used the restroom there,” I lied. Apparently, there would be no monumental revelations tonight. I hadn’t gone to any gas station and so I knew it must have been Bill that picked up my phone. It must have fallen out of the back pocket of my jeans when he slammed me into the hood of my car.
FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!
I couldn’t say it out loud. Eric would know that I’d been lying and I would have a slew of new questions to answer. Internally, however, I shouted it at the highest decibels. Would Bill be so curious as to look through my phone? Realistically speaking, he was most definitely going through every nook and cranny of that phone seeking information.
But
I couldn’t concern myself with Bill; that would have to wait. I had Eric to worry about. We needed a mutual confirmation that our relationship wasn’t in dire strains. He needed reassurance that our love was stronger now than ever before. I had to find a way to fix any all confusion. But how?
“See. That’s why I didn’t pick up any of your phone calls. I didn’t have my phone. I didn’t even realize that I didn’t have it,” I defended myself. I hoped the fact that I dropped my cell phone would serve as a good defense against all of the other
accusations that he might throw in my direction. I couldn’t possibly be getting into that much trouble without my cell phone.
“Jolene, I don’t give a shit about your damn phone. I wanna know where you’ve been all night. It’s just
past 2 now. I’ve been here for hours. So, please?” he begged. “Tell me what it is you’re doing. I’m going crazy trying to figure you out.”
A full range of expressions explo
red the depths of his face. His anger morphed into worry and sadness.
“Are you cheating on me?” he
blurted out. “Is that what this is about? Cuz it’s the only thing that makes sense to me.”
“God no,
” I replied with righteous indignation. “Of course I’m not cheating on you.” It wasn’t a lie. I went out and had a few drinks but I in no way did anything that might be considered cheating. At least, not tonight.
Though, I
had my strange hobbies. I did in fact have sex with other men on a regular basis. However, I did not have full-blown relationships with these other men. To even suggest that I had carried something that qualified as an entire conversation with someone else would be considered a gross exaggeration of the truth. And in almost all cases, I didn’t even like the other men. They were there simply as a means to an end. No more, no less for me. I enjoyed the pleasures of their company all equally but I never let them live. Eric, of course, being the one exception.
“I ju
st…needed to clear my head. I got tired of being cooped up in this apartment and I went out for a ride. I drove around aimlessly for a while and came back home,” I said. My explanation was truthful to a degree. I omitted the part about the club. But a lie of omission still contained its smidgen of truth. Still, the doubt in his emerald eyes pushed me to explain further.