All My Secrets (13 page)

‘I see,’ Mr Lomax says. ‘And are those things you want for yourself? Traits you believe your mother hoped you would share?’

I think of the inheritance Irina left me, how when I’m sixteen in just a few weeks I’ll get hold of the money and be able to make my own choices like she did.

‘I think she just wanted me to be free to follow my dreams,’ I say.

I hadn’t meant to say quite so much – and feel suddenly self-conscious. Mr Lomax gives me a gentle smile. ‘Your birth mother must have loved you very much.’

I nod, unsure what to say. Of course she loved me. Although Andrew refuses to talk about her, Uncle Gavin has told me so many times and, despite the sad lack of any filmed footage of us
together, I at least have several photos of me as a baby where she is looking at me with adoring eyes.

‘I think she would have been very proud of you too, of the young woman you’re becoming: smart and thoughtful and curious about the world,’ Mr Lomax continues. ‘I wonder
if you have allowed yourself to grieve for her loss though?’

I stare at him. What is he talking about? Irina died a long time ago. I think about her all the time. But it isn’t exactly grief I am feeling, is it? You can’t miss a person
you’ve never known.

‘What I’m saying, Evie, is that you lost your birth mother once as a small child, but now you are losing her all over again.’

‘You mean because my parents lied about her all that time?’ I can hear the bitterness in my voice. ‘So I find out about her, but, as soon as I know she existed, I have to cope
with the fact that she died.’

I look across the beach, thinking about the picture of Irina on Lightsea again. It strikes me it’s possible to say that I’ve seen it, without giving away where I found it.

‘Not exactly,’ Mr Lomax says. ‘I really meant that now, as a young woman, you are starting to appreciate all the ways in which you and your mother could have related as adults.
It’s a whole new loss for you and I’d urge you to allow yourself to feel that loss, not to resist it.’

‘You said before that you don’t think my real mum was ever on Lightsea,’ I say slowly. ‘But I’m certain that she was.’

Lomax looks away. ‘What makes you think that?’

‘A photo I think I saw once,’ I say, keeping it vague. ‘Of Irina on the island. Not when you were kids, but when she was older, maybe just a bit before she died.’

I wait for him to answer, the only sound the waves smashing onto the beach beyond us. But he doesn’t speak.

‘Mr Lomax, please, I need to know. Could—?’

‘No, Evie, you must be mistaken.’ Lomax turns to me. ‘You have to give this up. Take it from me, I’m certain your mother was
never
here.’

He’s lying.

I can see it in his eyes.

The shock is like a slap. Before I can speak, Lomax is already talking again.

‘There is no connection between this island and your mother, that’s all in your imagination. It’s like before . . . you’re looking for connections where there
aren’t any.’ He pauses and an expression of concern fills his face. It’s a totally fake concern, I’m certain. ‘I think perhaps the problem is that you haven’t
thought about your mum in the right way.’

‘Oh?’ Fear and anger career around my head. ‘And what would the “right way” be?’

‘I suspect that since you learned of your birth mother’s existence, your parents—’

‘You mean Andrew and Janet,’ I snap.

Mr Lomax nods. ‘Yes, Andrew and Janet have urged you to focus on things other than your birth mother and her life. And while their motives are well-meant I believe that it’s entirely
appropriate for you to spend some time – maybe a good deal of time – allowing yourself to feel the pain of your birth mother’s loss.’ Lomax pauses. ‘How she died
isn’t anywhere near as important as how her death makes you feel. Do you see?’

What I see is that Lomax is trying to stop me investigating Irina’s presence on the island. Which means he
must
have something to hide. He knows Irina was here. Does he know that
she died here too? What possible reason could he have for keeping that from me, other than a desire to cover up her murder?

‘Evie?’

I’m suddenly aware that he’s stopped talking. I look up at him. ‘Yes?’

‘I’d like you to spend your Quiet Time for the rest of the day in the walled garden. Please use the opportunity to reflect on your actions and particularly the need to take
responsibility for them. You can do that, I think, while you’re busy weeding the lettuces and potatoes or whatever Mrs Moncrieff is growing this month. OK?’

‘Right,’ I say. ‘Sure.’

Mr Lomax takes me back up to the garden, fetches a small trowel and a pair of gardening gloves and leaves me working in the sunshine. It’s a bit weird being on my own, but at least it
gives me time to think. As I weed away – trying to remember everything Andrew and Janet taught me on the few occasions I helped them in our garden at home – a plan forms in my head.

I’m certain now that Irina not only knew Mr Lomax better than he says, but that she was killed on Lightsea Island and Mr Lomax is covering up what happened. And I am going to prove it. My
priority is to find a way to tell Uncle Gavin about the photo, which means getting access to a phone again. Once I’ve spoken to him, Gavin can call the police and then there’ll be a
proper investigation.

Checking no one else is about, I take out the photo of Irina in the red hat and gaze at it again. Though I hate to imagine her being pushed off a rock into the dark, treacherous water,
it’s comforting to think that her spirit might be here now, watching over me.

‘Hi.’

I spin around, my cheeks reddening as I shove the photo behind my back. Kit is standing by the garden entrance, leaning against the crumbling stone wall. The sun lights up his face, picking out
the fine blond streaks in his hair. He looks like a movie star.

‘Er, hi,’ I say, immediately self-conscious that my hair must look a mess from working outside and that I’m probably covered in earth. ‘What are you doing here? I’m
supposed to be in solitary confinement or whatever.’

‘I know.’ Kit grimaces. ‘They told us we couldn’t speak to you or Pepper or Josh all day. But I’m on kitchen duty and Mrs Moncrieff said you were here and . . . and
I was just wondering how you’re doing.’

‘I’m fine.’ My fingers feel clammy on the photo. Has Kit seen it?

‘What’s that behind your back?’ he asks.

Great.
Still, I don’t have to explain where I got the photo any more than I did to Lomax. Reluctantly, I hold out the picture.

‘Please don’t tell anyone,’ I say. ‘I’m not allowed to have this. I’ve already got my luxury item.’

Kit peers down at the photo. ‘It
is
a bit mean only letting us keep one thing. Is this your mother?’

I nod. ‘My
real
mum,’ I explain. ‘The one who died when I was a baby.’

‘You look like her,’ he says.

I frown. Surely Irina was far prettier and more delicate-looking than me? ‘Really?’

‘Yeah, really. You’ve got the same mouth and the same smile.’ Kit looks up. ‘It’s a very pretty smile.’

I gulp, my stomach turning cartwheels. Nice hair and a pretty smile. Is he flirting with me? Or is he about to back off, like he did before?

Kit hands me back the photo and I tuck it inside my sweatshirt.

‘You’re here because of her, aren’t you?’ he says.

‘What do you mean?’

Kit shrugs. ‘The photo, the ballet shoes . . . you talk about her a lot . . . I’m just saying, it’s not . . . not, er, how most normal people are about their mums. So you . . .
you probably have some sort of, I dunno . . . extra
thing
about her . . .’

My face feels like it’s on fire. ‘What about you?’ I ask, desperate to shift the conversation. ‘Pepper and Josh are obviously here cos they keep breaking rules and stuff
and Samuel’s parents probably just want to help him be a bit less of a misfit. Anna hasn’t said, but I’m betting she’s here cos she’s got some problems back home
– so ultimately much the same reason as everyone else: she doesn’t fit in and nobody where she comes from knows how to handle her. But you don’t seem like you need any help
fitting in. And you don’t look like you get into trouble much either. So why did
you
get sent here?’

Kit’s face clouds. ‘If you really want to know, I was set up,’ he says with a scowl. ‘Or rather my brother was set up and I tried to protect him and ended up getting the
blame.’

‘For what?’ I ask.

‘Stealing stuff.’ Kit sighs. ‘My dad’s a lawyer, got it all hushed up. But he and Mum think I’m a delinquent now, hence me being sent here, to work on my so-called
issues
.’

‘That’s so unfair,’ I say. ‘Thinking you’re some kind of bad boy, when you’re so not.’

Kit’s expression grows darker. ‘You mean like Josh is?’

I nod.

‘He likes you, you know.’ Kit scowls.

‘Josh likes everyone.’

‘No, Josh
seriously
likes you.’

‘Oh.’ I’m sure he’s wrong. And totally unsure what I’m supposed to say back.

‘I’m sorry I acted like such an idiot yesterday, all that stuff about your hair.’ Kit rolls his eyes. ‘I just didn’t know how to tell you.’

‘Tell me what?’ I hold my breath as Kit moves closer.

‘Tell you how much I like you.’ Our faces are almost touching. ‘I thought you didn’t like me back, but then I talked to Anna and she made me realise that maybe I just
hadn’t been clear.’

‘Oh.’ So when he was talking to Anna yesterday it was about
me
? My head spins. All I can see are the green flecks in Kit’s caramel eyes.

‘So I thought I’d ask again. Properly.’ Kit’s lips hover over mine.

‘Ask what?’ I breathe.

‘If you liked me ba—’ But before he can finish we are lost in a kiss.

Kissing Kit.

It’s my last thought that night, before I fall asleep, and my first thought the next morning, when I wake up. For the first time since arriving at Lightsea, I’m out of bed before
Anna and Pepper. I’m glad of the time to myself, drifting into the bathroom, still reliving that first kiss – and the many that followed – until Kit said he’d better get
back to the kitchen before Mrs Moncrieff noticed he was gone.

Kit likes me. A
lot
.

It’s amazing, but true. He says he liked me from the first time he saw me, that he was worried I’d fall for Josh, that he didn’t know what to say to me.

I’ve told him I like him too, that Josh is fine as a friend, but I can’t imagine going out with him. Kit says he wants to go out with me.

Me
.

Yesterday evening, when the long day of solitary chores had at last come to an end, I told Kit how Andrew and Janet had kept the truth about Irina being my real mum from me – and how Uncle
Gavin is the only person in my life I can talk to about her. Then I confessed to breaking in to Mr Lomax’s office and how I’d found the photo.

Kit was
so
sympathetic about how hard it must have been to find out I’d been lied to all my life. He still doesn’t believe that I’ve really seen Irina’s ghost,
but at least he agreed that it’s
massively
weird Mr Lomax had a photo of her – and that the photo shows she
was
at Lightsea when Lomax says she wasn’t. Last
night we sat next to each other over dinner and it was soon obvious that all the others – apart from Samuel – were aware there was something going on between us.

In the end, after a few heavy hints, Pepper asked straight out: ‘Are you two together or what?’

I blushed from my hair to my toes, but Kit stared straight at her.

‘Yes,’ he said. ‘We are.’ And a delicious thrill flowed through me.

The others were all cool about it, even Anna – who I’d suspected had a bit of a crush on Kit herself. Josh was particularly laid-back, which I thought totally proved Kit had been
wrong about him liking me.

But none of it helps me find out why Irina was on Lightsea – or what happened to her here. So now, here I am, heading downstairs for breakfast, my heart beating fast as I look forward to
seeing Kit again – but my mind focused on getting back into Mr Lomax’s office, finding my mobile and, on it, Uncle Gavin’s number, then calling him on the landline.

Morning meditation flies past for once, mainly because I spend the entire time planning another break-in. I’m sure Josh will help get me past the locked doors again, but Mr Lomax whisks
him off for a one-to-one session, so I don’t get a chance to ask, Mr Bradley takes the rest of us outside to tackle a fitness-training course he’s set up in the woods. We pair up
– I’m with Kit, thank goodness – to teeter our way across logs, clamber over makeshift fences and climb nets that hang from the trees. Kit and I finish the course in record time
and spend the journey back to the house holding hands when no one’s looking. Frustratingly, I don’t get a chance to speak to Josh later as the only time we’re together is for our
evening meal, which for some reason Mr Bradley eats with us.

That night, after lights out, I tell Anna and Pepper that I’m certain Mr Lomax is covering up what happened to Irina on Lightsea. They are both shocked, though Anna’s eyes widen with
anxiety while Pepper’s narrow with anger. We stay awake for hours after we’re supposed to. In the end, I fall asleep with my hand clutching the photo and the ballet shoes, feeling
deeply frustrated. Tomorrow I
have
to get hold of Uncle Gavin and get a proper investigation started.

The next morning I’m working with Pepper in the laundry while the others are ordered to undertake various cleaning chores around the house. She’s excited at the
prospect of us breaking into Lomax’s office again.

As soon as we’re all alone in the library after lunch, she grabs hold of Josh and explains the situation. Everyone is there apart from Samuel, who is apparently having a one-to-one session
outside with Mr Lomax. Josh agrees straightaway to another break-in tonight and I wander over to Kit, who’s been chatting with Anna. She melts away as soon as I pitch up, a sad expression on
her face. Is she upset because I’m with Kit? Or is it something else?