All My Love, Detrick (12 page)

That night, following a lovely dinner at a quaint café, Helga agreed to accompany Eric to his room. She had given this much thought and decided that the time had come.

“I apologize for the condition of my apartment. I am traveling so much…” Eric moved a decorative pillow on his sofa.

“It’s beautiful.”

Every room bore the mark of tasteful and well-made furniture that
had been carefully selected. Helga found no dirty dishes in the sink, as would be expected at a bachelor apartment. The hardwood floors shined with polish and harbored not a speck of dust. And, when she entered the bedroom, she found the bed made up perfectly to military standards. However, the flat did not feel lived in. The sofa, pure white cotton, bore not a single stain. In fact, the apartment gleamed with impeccable cleanliness.

When Eric left Helga to use the washroom, she curiously peeked in his closet. There she found a row of black uniforms, pressed and hung neatly. On the floor, shiny, polished shoes lined up at attention like a military platoon.

When Eric returned to the
bedroom, he offered her a drink. Although Helga did not much care for the taste of liquor, she accepted. The liquid burned her throat as it trickled down, heating her body. She sipped it slowly. Eric took the glass from her hand and placed it upon the dresser. He took her hand in his and kissed it. With soft, warm lips he kissed each of her fingers. Helga felt the intensity of his breath as it fell hot upon her hand. Her heart beat faster as he slowly took her into his arms. When their lips met she sighed. Then he backed away and took her hand, leading her to his bed. She followed, trembling with fear, but filled with desire.

“This is my first time,” Helga whispered.

He did not answer. Instead, he took her into his arms. While he kissed her he unbuttoned her blouse, and his lips moved to her breasts as he reached behind her, unhooking her bra. She sighed as he took her nipple into his mouth. Helga felt her body warming and she relaxed. When he entered her she felt an initial pain and then her body responded to his with an equal passion. Twice that night he took her, and she surrendered to his desires. After they were both spent, she lay beside him and they slept. When he awoke, he gently nudged her.

“It’s late. I’d better take you home.”

His eyes could not meet hers. She reached up to kiss him, but he turned away. Then he left and went into the bathroom and got dressed. Helga slipped her dress back on and combed her hair. Then she sat on the edge of the bed waiting for him to return. Something had changed, something felt wrong. When he entered the room, ready to leave, instead of there being a deeper intimacy between them, he’d affected a formal posture, almost as if she were a stranger.

“Eric?”

“What?”

“This was very special for me.”

“Yes, for me too.” He looked away from her. “Helga, there is something I must tell you.”

Her heart beat with terror at what he might say.

“I’m married. I do not intend to leave my wife. We had a good time, didn’t we?”

She could not answer. Her throat had closed and she feared she might vomit.

“I think we should say goodbye.”

“But Eric…
Why? What was tonight about? I don’t understand. You said you loved me.”

“Please, Helga, don’t question me.” His voice had grown hard
, and when she looked at him, she felt she hardly knew him. “Let’s go now.”

Eric drove her home in silence. Helga’s heart had crumbled into a million tiny pieces. Although filled with questions, she could not speak.

When they arrived at her apartment, he got out of the car and opened her door. But, unlike the other nights they’d spent together, he did not walk with her up to the door, holding her and kissing her goodnight. Instead, he climbed into his vehicle, and without looking back, he drove away.

For a long time Helga stood on the curb, staring at the street where Eric’s car had been. Tears filled her eyes and her face felt as if it had fallen a thousand miles. She could not believe what had
taken place. It simply was not true. How could he have done this? How could she have trusted him? Married? She saw no evidence of a wife in that apartment. Who and what kind of a man had she fallen in love with? Helga looked down at her wrinkled dress and her twisted silk stockings. Then she turned away from the empty street and walked into the apartment building with her head down.

26

All night long, she thrashed about, until her sheets became twisted and drenched with sweat. The following day and for many days to come, Helga could not swallow her food. She continued to work, but she performed her duties in a daze, like one who has been awakened from a dream, only to find herself in a nightmare. When her friends at work asked her to sit at their lunch table, she quietly declined. Helga had not yet found the words to tell the world of her betrayal and abandonment. Somehow, she continued to believe that she would arrive at home to find the familiar white box filled with the blood-red roses that had awaited her so often this past year. It did not come.

Worse
yet, neither did her monthly cycle. She awakened filled with nausea and felt the overwhelming need to vomit. However, she refused to believe that she could possibly be pregnant.

When she passed her second month without her
menses, she knew she must see a doctor. Since childhood, the Haswell children had been patients of Dr. Heizenhoffer. He had been there at their birth. Now she must go to him and tell him of her plight. Regardless of Helga’s shame and embarrassment, meeting with the doctor was unavoidable. Perhaps, she thought, he might by some miracle be willing to help her to “take care” of the situation.

The following morning Helga arranged to take time off from her job. Instead of taking her regular bus, she boarded another going in the opposite direction to the office of her doctor.

The nurse at the desk recognized her immediately and asked her to sit for a moment while she prepared the room. Because Helga had scheduled the earliest available appointment, she found the waiting room deserted. And, she felt relieved not having to face mothers and children as they awaited the old doctor’s attention.

After a short time, the nurse showed her to an examining room, and asked her to remove her clothes and dress in the cotton gown. She did,
and then fumbled nervously with the handle of her pocketbook until the doctor entered.

“Helga Haswell, what brings you here today?” Dr. Heizenhoffer smiled until he saw the tears that now stained Helga’s face. With his right
hand, he took the stool and pulled it closer to the examining table. Then he sat down and waited for her to speak.

The only sound that
could be heard was the heels of the nurse's shoes as she set up the examining room next door.

“Helga?” He prodded gently; the old eyes had seen many distressed young girls.

“Doctor. You must not tell my parents anything that I tell you.”

“Of course not child, I cannot. I am a doctor. It is against my ethical code.”

She took a deep breath. “I am afraid… I am afraid I might be pregnant.”

He smiled at her and the kindness in his eyes helped her to relax. “Well, before we go jumping to conclusions, let’s just check this
out, and see what is what? All right?”

She nodded her head.

After the examination, the doctor asked Helga to dress and meet him in his office down the hall.

As soon as she looked at his
face, she knew the results and her tears began again.

“Helga. I understand how you feel. But I have a solution that might be perfect for you.”

She looked up at him hopefully. The idea of aborting the baby terrified her. Even some of the women who’d done so under medical supervision had died. But, she would have to take her chances. If she were to have a baby, it would surely ruin her life.

The doctor looked directly into her eyes as he explained. “You may not know about the Lebensborn, so I will tell you. In 1936, Heinrick Himmler began a program to engineer a pure Aryan race for the future good of Germany. It’s called the Lebensborn Program. Now, I must ask you, before we go any further… Who is the father?”

Red fingers of heat crawled up her face. “I can’t tell you.”

“Why not?
Is he a Jew?”

“Oh, no.” she laughed a little. “He is married. He is an SS officer.”

“Oh, child this is a good thing. You
will be accepted at the Lebensborn Institute. The requirements are that the father and mother of the future offspring be of pure Aryan blood. Both of you fit the qualifications. You will stay at the Lebensborn Institute, which is located in the highlands, near Munich, until the baby is born. Then, the child is taken off your hands and raised by a carefully chosen family, who will raise him or her to be a good Nazi, to follow the Fuehrer, and to take his rightful place as a future leader of the Third Reich. It is that simple. While you are at the home, you will be fed and cared for. In fact you will want for nothing. From what I hear it, is a lovely place. Then, once the baby is born, you are free to go. No one is the wiser, and you can go on with your life. Besides, women at the Lebensborn receive the highest honors for bearing a child for Hitler. You see, you will be having a baby for the Fuehrer.”

“And my family…
Do they have to know?”

“Not at all.
I will send a note to accompany you. Once you arrive, you will be tested to see if you meet the criteria. I have no doubt that you will. Now, also, if you would like, your Nazi officer can be notified of your whereabouts, in case he should like to see you. So… Shall I arrange it?”

She wiped the tear from her cheek with the back of her hand. “Yes, but notification to the father will not be necessary.”

27

A
s Eric drove home after his final encounter with Helga, his mind drifted. He could not help but feel sorry for her, although he knew he would never want her again. It seemed to happen this way all of the time. First, he would meet a girl and be sure he’d fallen for her. Then once they made love, his interest seemed to be like a candle that had been snuffed out. The smoke lingered, but the fire was gone. Eric lit a cigarette and rolled down the window. He craved fresh air. His life had taken such turns. As a boy, he’d grown up poor. Poorer than Helga. She might have been surprised to learn that, he thought. But like her, he’d been gifted with physical beauty. Eric bore the face and body of a Greek god, and that had saved him. He’d never gone out in search of prosperity; it just fell into his lap and, he, seeing the opportunity, had seized it.

When had Eric turned twenty-two, he found himself without a trade or education. He’d dropped out of school and spent most of his life drifting through dead-end jobs. After Eric endured two weeks of employment making sodas and sweeping floors at the local candy store, she’d walked in. Nadine, the daughter of the owner of a large company, escorted by a group of her spoiled girlfriends, had come for a late-night soda. Her thin blond hair hung limply on her ample shoulders. She wore expensive clothes, in an effort to hide her clumsy, overweight body. When she spoke to her friends, she spoke rapidly, like machine-gun fire, so much so that he could hardly understand her. For some reason, she seemed to do everything too quickly.
But, when their eyes met, he saw that the girl who always got what she wanted had set her sights on him. He studied her, trying to find something he could be attracted to and found nothing. Nothing…but her father’s money, and for a boy from his background, that meant a great deal. When he asked her out, she immediately accepted. They went to dinner, and he found her to be overly domineering and demanding. For someone so unappealing, he'd thought, she had a lot of nerve. But, he also knew that by marrying her, he would catapult himself swiftly out of poverty. No longer would he coast through life on meager wages. With her father’s money and influence behind him, Eric would surely live the life he deserved. So, Eric set out to court Nadine. With what little money he earned, he took her to dinner and told her how lovely she looked. When he paid the bill, Eric reminded himself that every penny spent was an investment. When he called her pretty, Nadine smiled shyly. Eric knew Nadine did not hear those words often. He held her and kissed her, declaring his devotion. And, once he saw that the feelings in her eyes had grown deep enough, like an actor on cue, he told her he loved her.

They sat at a corner table in an intimate restaurant when he asked her to marry him. She’d squealed with delight, loud enough to attract the attention of the other diners. As the others looked on, he fought the embarrassment he felt at being with her. With Nadine’s pug nose, pink skin and round, needy eyes, Eric decided that she resembled a human who’d been born at least half pig.