All I Have to Give (15 page)

With only her empty sobs to break the silence, they sat together on the bank. As if nothing could change it, the water in the beck babbled on over the pebbles and rocks that formed its bed. A
shimmering light reflected the sun and dappled its surface. A breeze tickled the air, bringing everything around them into life, making the buttercups and daises nod to each other and the branches
of the trees dip and sway.

Using Joe’s huge white hanky, Ada wiped her tears and snot, but more followed in a constant stream, emptying her of all emotion. She was like the beck, she thought, rolling along, bubbling
up when hitting a rock, and calming when trickling over the smooth bits. But would there ever be any smooth bits ever again?

‘I’m reet sorry, lass. I know as that doesn’t help, and I have a lot more to give than just being sorry, but now isn’t the time to even talk about that. What will you do,
Ada, love?’

‘I don’t know, Joe. I just want to end it all. Go to me lads and have done with the pain.’

‘Naw! Eeh, naw. That’s not the answer, lass. There is happiness in this world for you. You know how I feel about you, and I would work till the end of me days at making you happy
again, if there was a way that I could.’

‘I’m leaving Paddy, Joe. I – I don’t know where I’m going yet, but I have to get away from him. He – he had me sister . . .’

‘Aye, I know. But stay a while, lass. You need to be with him through this. You brought young Jimmy into the world together, and you have to see his passing through together. If you
don’t, there’ll be no end to it all. Then, when this lot’s done – the war, I mean – if you’ll let me, I’ll help you get away. I’ll take you away from
it all.’

‘I can’t . . . He’ll kill me, Joe. He beats me and rapes me. It’s like he has to punish me for what he is. He blames me for his own weaknesses.’

‘Naw! God, Ada, I had no idea.’

A voice, scathing and angry, cut him off. ‘Is it a man you have behind me back, then? Get away home, you filthy whore!’

‘Paddy! Naw, it’s not what you think. This is Joe from me factory, he’s been helping me.’

‘Aye, and I can guess just how it is that he is helping you. You bastard!’ Paddy swung out at Joe, but Joe dodged the blow and caught Paddy’s arm and swung it in such a way
that Paddy was flung to the ground.

‘Look, Paddy, it ain’t what you think it is. As Ada was saying, we work together. Aye, we’re friends, but that’s all. I were fishing, and Ada needed help. If you were any
sort of a husband, you’d give her that help. She’s a grieving mother.’

Paddy had had the breath knocked out of him and struggled to get it back. In that moment Ada felt sorry for him. ‘Don’t be daft now, Paddy. You know you’re me man and there
ain’t naw other. We’ve a lot on our plate, and fighting ain’t going to make it better. Let’s go home.’

‘And, while we’re on, Paddy.’ Ada held her breath at this from Joe, but let him continue, without protesting. ‘I don’t want to hear as you take it out on your
missus again. I’m reet sorry for your loss, but beating her ain’t sommat as I’ll put up with.’

Shocked that Paddy didn’t answer, and that Joe sounded, well, so unlike Joe, Ada just stood there and waited. Something had happened here that she’d never seen before. Her Paddy had
met his match; and for that match to be Joe, who was looked upon as a weakling, made her unsure how this situation would pan out.

As Paddy went to rise, Joe offered him a hand. ‘You’ve been through the mill, man. Both of you have. No one should have to bear what you two have had to. If there’s owt I can
do, let me know.’ With this, he retrieved and replaced the cap that had fallen off his head in the tussle, picked up his things and walked away.

Ada stood, not daring to move.

‘How is it that you’re all wet, Ada?’

Paddy’s voice had a soft tone, and an almost ashamed note to it.

‘I ran into the water. I don’t know why, but me and the lads used to come here and . . .’

‘Aye, I know. Well, let’s go home. We’ll not find our lads here, or anywhere we look. We need to start to pick up the pieces.’

‘You’ve to change, Paddy. If I’m to stay, you’ve to change.’

‘Don’t you think I know that, Ada? Me ways are not how things should be, but it is as if I am driven. But I will try. I promise, I will try.’

‘There’s to be no going off with others and putting it about. You’ve to think on about doing sommat in the way of working for the war effort, instead of living in the
bookie’s pocket. And the beatings and the rape have to stop.’

‘Are you accusing me of raping me own wife again? Huh! I’m entitled to have you when I want you, and no court in the land will have it otherwise, so think on. You give willingly to
me, and stop making it that I have to force you. That sin is yours, Ada, and it is one as leads me to look elsewhere. But the beating of you – well, that isn’t something I like doing. I
will swear on me lad’s deathbeds—’

‘Don’t!’ Shivering as if she would never stop, Ada looked up at him. ‘Don’t ever use our lads’ names to swear owt. I can’t bear it.’

‘I’m sorry, that wasn’t what I should have done. Damn it, woman! How many concessions do you want from me? Let’s go home, Ada. Come on, me wee lass, let’s go
home.’

Taking his hand felt right, but the action deepened her confusion. A big part of her wanted rid of this man, but there was still a small part of her that couldn’t give up on him.

London and Leicestershire, mid-August 1916
Loss and revelations

‘Daddy?’ Eloise’s tentative address to her father reflected the morose mood the family had fallen into, since the reality of Andrina’s passing, four
weeks ago, had hit them. Unable to stay at their country home with the memory of the tragedy so raw, they had returned to London, but the move hadn’t helped.

Her father was leaning over his desk reading a letter. Looking up, he glanced over his half-glasses at her, but didn’t speak. This unnerved her more than she was already.

‘Daddy, can I talk to you? I want to do something. Being idle is driving me mad!’

‘D – don’t ask me to let you go to France, my dear, I – I cannot.’

‘No, I know, but what about helping with something here? Hospital work, or something at the War Office; anything really. I have a conscience, Daddy, and feel as though I am letting the
side down. There isn’t a family we know that hasn’t got somebody – son, daughter, father or even mother – helping the war effort, except us.’

‘I don’t think you can say that. I am involved, as far as I can be, with strategies that have to be discussed in the House of Lords. And of course, your cousins . . . Look, my dear,
we will talk about this later. I have news. It – it isn’t good, and I don’t know how to tell your mama. I’m sorry, but I can’t give my attention to your needs at the
moment, though there is something I have to discuss that concerns you.’

‘What is it, Father? I mean, the bad news. Oh God, cousins Christian and Douglas are all right, aren’t they?’

‘As far as I know, my dear, but poor Edith isn’t. I haven’t wanted to tell you and your mother before, it was all too much for you, but Uncle Christopher and Aunt Muriel are
coming down from the country where they have been since Andrina . . . Well, you see, my dear, it happened on the same day . . . I – I couldn’t tell you, and your aunt and uncle
understood, but now, with them being just down the road, I have to. They are distraught, and more so as time goes on.’

‘Oh God! Edith? Why? How?’

Listening to her father shocked and frightened her.
Edith dragged off by a demented corporal, who had beaten his superior to death and shot two officers and his fellow soldiers!
It all
sounded preposterous, but there was no doubt. The corporal had ridden away from the scene of his terrible crimes on a bike. That bike had been found outside Edith’s dormitory tent. Deep ruts
in the mud showed that Edith had been dragged. No one knew why she’d dressed and gone out in the rain to him, but she had, and now . . . ‘Oh, Daddy, the world has gone mad. Poor Edith.
Is there no news of where she is?’

‘No, I’m afraid there isn’t. I am, of course, doing all I can. I put in a request to get the boys back on leave, and think it may be granted.’

‘Oh, Daddy, I can’t bear it.’

She slumped in the chair just inside her father’s office. Every limb shook, and her stomach churned till she felt she would be sick. This was all impossible. It hadn’t happened.
Things like kidnap happened to other people. But one look at her father’s face told her that it was true.
Oh God help us, and please help my darling Edith!

‘I asked this of you just four weeks ago, my darling girl, but I have to ask again. Please try to be strong for your mother and, more than anything, for Aunt Muriel and Uncle Christopher.
I will do all I can to get Christian and Douglas home for them – well, for us all, really. Don’t cry, darling.’ But as he said the words and rose and came over to her, to hold her
in his arms, he too was crying.

Tears seemed so futile and didn’t release the grief and sadness trapped inside Eloise. To her, they only increased the pain, as the loss of her darling sister was still very raw in her
heart. The news about Edith only compounded her grief. It seemed the only thing to do was to give up altogether or soldier on. Her father had asked her to do the latter, and she had to, for his
sake. He needed help, as he had to be the strong pin that held them all from falling apart. She would give all she had and would stand by him in that.

She released herself from her sobbing father’s arms. ‘We can get through it, Daddy. With your help, we can all get through. I will be there for you and Mama, and my dear aunt and
uncle.’ And as she said this, she knew that she had undergone a profound change. She didn’t know when it had happened, but she was a million miles from the girl she used to be, whose
head had been full of nothing more than the pursuit of fun, fashion and a marriage partner.

None of those things mattered to her now. Her youth had been peeled from her, layer by painful layer. She was now a woman. A strong woman.

‘Daddy, you said there was something else concerning me?’

‘Yes, dear. It is about Jay.’

She shuddered, and her father said, ‘I know, I hated hearing his name, but I don’t think we can let him shoulder all the blame for what happened. As appalling as it is to
acknowledge, it appears Jay and Andrina were in love.’

‘I can’t accept that, Daddy. Andrina was bored; she hated the country life and wanted a distraction. She had a silly crush on Jay. He used that to lure her in deeper than she should
have gone. He knew what he was doing. And he must have known Florrie was in love with him, and what she was really like. He must have known what Florrie was capable of. He killed Andrina, just as
surely as Florrie did, and he should hang!’

‘My dear, I had no idea you felt like this. You’re wrong – you have to see. Andrina was a headstrong girl. If she set her heart on something, she usually got it. Look, Mama
found her diary. It seems she was deeply in love with Jay, but knew it was wrong and hadn’t . . . Well, anyway, it seems that Jay had respected her wishes not to do anything other than meet
up and hope, I suppose. Poor d – darling Andrina.’ His voice broke once more.

She resisted the urge to go to him. ‘What do you want me to do, Daddy?’

‘Jay is asking for you. He is very fragile and could still die from his injuries, but this letter from Doctor Jacques, whom I have asked to continue to treat Jay at my expense, says that
Jay’s agitation is holding back his recovery. He is very distressed and constantly asks for you.’

‘Do you want me to go to him? What about all that is going on here?’

‘Once Mama sees how strong you are, that will help her. But at the moment there is nothing you can do for your uncle and aunt. I don’t know why, but I can’t bear the thought of
Jay dying. It is as if he is family – well, servant family, if you know what I mean. No, he is more than that. I – I can’t say, I mean . . . Anyway, we have to remember that he
made dearest Andrina happy. You know, h – he came to us at a very young age, and was always hanging around, helping the gardener of the time. And there is a . . . Oh, I don’t
know.’

‘I do, Daddy. You are a wonderful person who cares about people. Naturally you care for someone who has been in your employ for such a long time. I will go to Jay, but not until I have
been to see Aunt Muriel and Uncle Christopher and have made sure that Mama is coping.’

‘Thank you, my dear. I will let the doctor know. Just knowing you have consented to come should put Jay’s mind at rest. My dear, will you also call in on his poor mother – I
mean, adoptive mother – whilst you are there? Tell her how sorry we are.’

‘I will. Daddy, is there something else troubling you in all this?’

‘Yes, a suspicion. Oh, it’s nothing. I must go and see your dear mama now, Eloise. Forgive me, but I can’t put off telling her the dreadful news any longer. Will you come with
me?’

Eloise knew her heart was beating loudly as she waited outside the Feilding Palmer Cottage Hospital male ward, in Lutterworth, a small market town situated about five miles
from her home in Leicestershire.

The nurse in attendance was making Jay ‘presentable’, as she put it. How could he be unpresentable?

A cry of pain made her stiffen. It had come from Jay. Eloise felt a moment of pity for him; she was not entirely without sympathy. Since arriving at Rossworth Hall the day before, she had talked
to Maggie, the downstairs maid, and found that everyone’s sympathy lay with Jay. Maggie had even said, ‘Begging your pardon, M’lady, and I don’t wish to speak ill of the
dead, but Lady Andrina had no right to mix with the servants. It wasn’t her rightful place, and she stepped over the line in doing so.’

Though feeling angry at Maggie, Eloise had known that of course the girl was right. The blame for the liaison had to lie with Andrina, despite what she thought about Jay luring her dear sister.
After all, he would never have come to Andrina; she had to go to him. That wasn’t Jay luring her, but more Andrina courting his attention.