Alice Brown's Lessons in the Curious Art of Dating (8 page)

Lou snorted. ‘Julian likes
all
your ideas. That’s why he keeps promoting you. That and because he knows he’s got the world’s biggest workaholic on his payroll.’

‘Anyway.’ Kate sipped her drink. ‘That wasn’t the only reason it was a good day.’

Lou lifted an eyebrow in anticipation.

‘I had my induction meeting with Table For Two this morning,’ Kate said lightly, before bursting into a huge grin. ‘And it was brilliant!’

‘Brilliant?’ Lou fought to keep the sarcasm out of her voice.

‘I was sooo right about Alice; she’s amazing! She was really interested in
me
, and what I like, and the kind of man I’m after. I really think she’s going to find me someone. Not just someone;
the one
!’

Lou added more wine to her spritzer. She suddenly felt the need to actually taste the alcohol.

‘Uh-huh,’ she said tightly.

‘She showed me pictures of the men on their books, and you know what? Some of them were really hot! There were
some really handsome men with proper jobs and eyebrows that didn’t meet in the middle and everything!’

Lou smiled thinly.

‘So, anyway, I pointed out a few I liked, and Alice has given me a form to fill in to help her narrow it down some more. And once I’ve sent it back to her she’s going to work out a match. She said I should have my first date next week!’

‘Next week? It’s a bit sudden, isn’t it?’ Lou’s voice sounded strange.

‘Now I’ve set the ball rolling I want it to be tonight!’ Kate was fizzing with excitement. ‘And it’s going to be a real old-fashioned date; you know, dinner in a restaurant. They recommend you don’t go to pubs, as there’s nothing to do with your hands other than drink, and you’ll get too drunk to remember any of it. Apparently your first date should be over lunch, but I’d never get away from work. So I’ve told her I can only do dinners and that I want to start asap. I can’t wait! It’s so exciting!’

Lou quietly sipped her drink and looked at her friend, who she’d never seen look so energized or so beautiful. She had a strange sinking sensation. This wasn’t the Kate she knew. She didn’t like this Kate. Or this dating agency idea, for that matter. It just seemed so, so . . . Lou didn’t know what. But she knew she didn’t like it.

It was fast shaping up to be one of those days. First Audrey had slept through her morning alarm. She couldn’t think how it had happened, as she prided herself on being a ‘morning person’. She’d dressed in a hurry and it was only as she was scuttling out of the front door that she’d noticed the ladder in her tights. She’d chased back into the house and had only just made it to work on time, her hasty journey giving her painful indigestion which three cups of chamomile tea had so far failed to ease.

And on top of all this, she’d had the misfortune to take a phone call from Maurice Lazenby, Table For Two’s longest-serving client and a whinger of epic proportions. As any matchmaking bureau chief knows, male clients are hard to come by, so shoddy manners and diva-like complaints are tolerated with gritted cheeriness. Men must be retained at all costs. If female clients ever found out quite how low the male-to-female client ratio was, Audrey doubted they’d ever join at all. So, she forced herself to breathe deeply and give him the soft-handed treatment she’d spent so many years perfecting.

‘Well, Maurice,’ she explained once there was a suitable
gap in his diatribe, ‘the other women we’ve shown your profile to haven’t been interested in meeting you. You’re not their type.’

‘What do you mean?’ Maurice asked peevishly.

Audrey sighed. Technically Maurice was Alice’s client. Alice should already have managed his expectations.

‘Women like sporty men, high earners; men who are interested in animals and children and do all those fashionable, dangerous hobbies with parachutes and aeroplanes and funny bits of elastic. The ladies you’re after are the crème de la crème. They’re looking for men who’ll whisk them off for a surprise trip to the ballet . . .’

Audrey could hear Maurice start to interject.

‘. . . in Paris,’ she added heavily. ‘Now, Maurice, I know you’ll thank me for telling you this, I’m not one to soft-soap. You need to lower your sights. Now, are you sure you wouldn’t like Alice to organize another rendezvous for you with Hayley? The veterinary nurse with the funny finger. I’m sure
she’d
be amenable for a second date.’

Eventually an exasperated Audrey had handed Maurice over to Alice to pacify. He knew he was supposed to speak to her anyway, so heaven knows why he was bothering her with his whining.

By eleven o’clock Audrey had taken refuge in her glass-walled office. She propped open the door – all the better to eavesdrop on the staff – and pretended to busy herself at the computer.

‘Phone call for you, Audrey,’ Hilary called out from across the office. ‘It’s Sheryl Toogood on line three.’

‘Oh, God, what does
she
want?’ Audrey grumbled, her fleeting peace shattered. She closed her office door. Conversations with Sheryl Toogood were awkward enough without the staff hanging on her every word.

‘Good moooorrrning, Audrey,’ Sheryl cooed. No one made as much of a meal of their vowels as Sheryl Toogood. Audrey could imagine her sitting in her office, all smarmy insincerity in a low-cut top.

‘Sheryl,’ she replied tartly through gritted teeth.

‘How aaaaaare you? How’s business?’

‘Booming,’ Audrey jumped in, pleased at the unexpected opportunity to boast. ‘We’ve just heard that we’ve matched another wedding!’

‘Oh, well done you! I know how you love a chance to dust off your hat and hurl some confetti.’

Audrey hesitated, not sure if she was being patronized or not. ‘How are things at Love Birds?’ she diverted.

‘Oh, frightfully busy, as ever,’ Sheryl gushed. ‘I took on a new consultant last month: Matteus. He’s an internet dating specialist and very easy on the eye. He’s upped our online traffic by twenty per cent
and
brought in a dozen one-to-one clients too! We’re rushed off our feet. Every restaurant in the city has one of our couples dining there this evening.’

‘Very nice.’ Audrey forced the words out.

‘I know,’ Sheryl replied immodestly. Audrey could hear the synthetic swoosh of Sheryl’s tights as she crossed her legs.

‘And how’s your little online dating thing going, Audrey? Managed to increase your thumbprint yet?’

Audrey could hear the squeak of a barely suppressed snigger. She flushed angrily. Sheryl would never let her forget her little gaffe. How was she supposed to know that websites had footprints? She wasn’t up on all the technical jargon. The blasted website. She’d only set it up because all the other agencies had them.

‘Look, I’ll cut to the chase, Aud,’ Sheryl continued before Audrey had had a chance to think of a cutting reply. ‘I’m sure it hasn’t escaped your notice that it’s the DIPS ball next month.’

‘Absolutely not!’ Audrey exclaimed. DIPS was shorthand for the Dating Practitioners’ Society. Audrey never used abbreviations herself; they were an insult to the Queen’s English.

‘I trust you’ll be coming?’

‘But of course!’

The date had been etched across Audrey’s consciousness from the moment it had been set. It had been the lone entry in her diary for months, and she’d spent every moment between turning out her bedroom light and slipping into sleep savouring the very thought of it. It was, after all, a guaranteed evening with John.

‘As you know,’ Sheryl continued, ‘I was nominated as this year’s event organizer. Such an honour! A real compliment to the standing of Love Birds, don’t you think?’

‘Well, I don’t think the two are totally—’

‘. . . So, as the ball organizer, I was taking a look through the RSVP list and noticed that I haven’t received your cheque yet. And I thought to myself, oh, that’s strange! Audrey’s
normally such a prompt payer! I do hope Table For Two hasn’t got a cash-flow problem?’

‘No, of course not! What a funny idea! Ha ha ha.’ Audrey forced a fluttery laugh. ‘It slipped my mind, that’s all. I’ll get the cheque off right away.’ The cheek! But what a mistake! She couldn’t imagine how she’d forgotten. It was unthinkable.

‘So, I’ll put a little question mark by your name for now.’

‘You’ll have the cheque first post tomorrow,’ said Audrey firmly.

‘And I do hope you’ll be bringing along that dishy husband of yours?’ Sheryl cooed stickily.

Audrey’s senses sharpened instinctively as though detecting imminent danger. Her chest went tight and her neck began to flush.

‘Such a charming man: so attentive. I’d keep a close eye on him, if I were you,’ Sheryl continued. ‘Pay him some proper attention. As I tell my clients, you’ve got to work at keeping your man. Wow him every now and again. If you don’t, there are plenty of others who will. If I had a man like John I’d keep him on a very’ – her voice became thick with suggestion – ‘. . . short . . . leash.’

She laughed crudely.

Audrey felt sick.

‘Yes, well . . .’ She felt Cassandra and Bianca’s eyes boring through the glass at her. Really, could she get no privacy in this office at all? And what was Sheryl getting at exactly? Why was she talking about John getting away, and what did she mean by a leash? Was there something that she
knew? ‘I really don’t think I have any cause for concern,’ she snapped defensively.

‘I’m sure you’re all the woman John needs,’ Sheryl gushed unconvincingly.

‘Right, well, if that’s it . . . Because I’m really rather busy.’

‘Yes, I think that about wraps things up,’ Sheryl replied lightly. ‘So I’ll keep an eye out for your little cheque.’

‘I’ll attend to it immediately. Right, well, goodb—’

‘. . . Just
one
more thing, Audrey,’ Sheryl interrupted slowly. ‘You haven’t let me know which one of your girls you’ll be bringing. You do have that complimentary ticket, you know, for a “matchmaker in the making”.’

‘Oh, golly. I’d forgotten.’

‘You’d forgotten that too? I need names by close of play. Just pop me over an email and I’ll make sure Sienna sends her an invitation. Such a treasure, Sienna! I don’t know how I ever got by without a PA. You still don’t have one, do you? Anyway, must dash, Aud. Ciao.’

Audrey put down the phone and took several deep breaths. She could feel her neck burning. Sheryl was a nasty black cloud in the perfect blue sky of the Dating Practitioners’ Society ball. She was bad enough on the phone, but even worse in the flesh. And what a lot of flesh. Not that Sheryl was large – far from it. It was just that she never wore enough clothing. Her bosom was always on display, thrust into a too-small top that was invariably hothouse pink. And she’d teeter around on stilettos – sometimes without tights! And she was a terror around men. Always tossing her bottle-blonde hair at them, or leaning
close to whisper some crude indiscretion. And what was all that stuff about John? Was he the latest man Sheryl wanted to get her talons into?
Her
John? But John was far too refined to go for a trollop like Sheryl. Wasn’t he? Audrey felt her indigestion burn again.

After ten minutes of strenuous paper-shuffling Audrey felt calmer. Of course John wouldn’t go for a strumpet like Sheryl. She could flirt all she liked, but John would stick by her side. She knew she could rely on him, despite their current –
temporary
– status. She touched her neck. It was feeling cooler already.

All that remained was for her to decide who to take to the ball as her ‘matchmaker in the making’. It was a Dating Practitioners’ Society tradition that each of the major dating agencies brought along a young, aspiring matchmaker. It was a way of showing them the big league of matchmakers, and inspiring them to work their way up through the ranks. A silly tradition really. She’d much prefer an evening away from her girls and their inanities. But still, traditions were there for upholding. Audrey peered at her staff and wondered who to take.

Her eye fell on Bianca. If she had to pick a favourite it would be her. She was the kind of girl who threw on a pashmina and looked just right. She wasn’t the sharpest tool in the box, but she was from a good family, had gone to an excellent boarding school, and always sat neatly with her knees together.