Alice Brown's Lessons in the Curious Art of Dating (18 page)

‘Come on, Buster,’ he called cheerily, picking up his spade and heading back towards the house, a small but definite spring in his step. ‘It’s time for your walk.’

‘Hayley?’ Audrey echoed incredulously. ‘The veterinary nurse? With the funny finger?’

On the other side of Audrey’s desk, Bianca shifted her weight and nodded nervously.

‘Whatever makes you think they’d be a good match?’

Bianca glanced briefly through the glass wall towards the open-plan office as though searching for an answer.

‘Instinct,’ she replied. ‘I just know they’ll be a perfect fit.’

‘Well,’ said Audrey in surprise as she removed her glasses. ‘A perfect fit! Bianca, I must say, you surprise me. You can obviously see something the rest of us can’t. But what can a woman like Hayley offer a man like Max Higgert?’

Bianca faltered for a moment, as though trying to remember something.

‘Softness. Max works hard all day, dealing with clients and workmen. Everybody demands something from him. But when he comes home in the evening, he wants someone different. Someone soft and caring. Someone
un
demanding.’

Audrey harrumphed.

‘Hayley’s very caring,’ Bianca added hastily. ‘She looks after sick animals!’

Audrey peered at her sceptically.

‘But she’s a veterinary nurse. Max is a high-flyer. No, I just can’t see how it could work. I’m sorry, Bianca, but you’re barking up the wrong tree.’

‘But maybe that’s why it could work. If Max wanted a high-flyer, wouldn’t he have found one by now? He must meet dozens every day! Maybe he wants the opposite.’

‘What, a low-flyer?’ Audrey snorted. ‘Well, Hayley certainly fits the bill there!’

Bianca looked towards the open-plan office. In her peripheral vision Audrey noticed Alice grinning like a lunatic.

‘Please, Audrey. I’ve got a very good feeling about this. If I’m wrong, I’m wrong. But Max seems like a nice man; I don’t think he’d hold a mistake against us.’

Audrey eyed her beadily.

‘Against
me
,’ Bianca added contritely.

Audrey gave a big sigh. ‘Well, all right,’ she conceded. ‘But only because it’s you. I’ll call him in a moment.’

‘Thank you, Audrey!’ Bianca flashed a smile of gratitude.

‘Yes, well. Now, get back to your work, please. I’ve got things to be getting on with. Oh, and send Alice in.’ She dismissed her with a regal wave of the hand. She didn’t see the surreptitious nod Bianca gave Alice as she pulled the glass door closed behind her.

Hayley Clarke! Well, Bianca was either a matchmaking genius or she was losing her marbles. But if the girl felt passionately about the match she wouldn’t stand in the
way. Besides, she’d been running out of women to pair Max with.

There was a timid knock on the door, and Alice edged mousily in, tugging at today’s ensemble of shapeless, colourless knitwear. She looked at her expectantly.

‘So.’ Audrey patted her hair as she collected her thoughts. ‘As you’re no doubt aware, it’s the Dating Practitioners’ Society annual ball on Thursday.’

Alice smiled and nodded.

‘You
have
bought a new dress, haven’t you?’ Audrey asked sharply.

‘Oh yes; it’s lovely!’

‘And it’s new? Not from a charity shop?’

Alice looked confused.

‘I got it from the new boutique on King Street. The one Lucy Lucinda opened.’

‘Wonderful,’ Audrey said with an unmistakable note of relief. She shuffled her papers officiously. ‘Now, I just wanted to run you through a few dos and don’ts for the evening. Obviously I’ll be arriving with John, so I’ll meet you inside. You do know it’s at the Town and Country Golf Club, don’t you? I must insist you take a taxi to the venue.’

‘Oh, Audrey, that’s very kind but most unnecessary.’

‘It’s very necessary. I insist.’

‘Well, thank you ver—’

Audrey held up her hand to silence her. She wasn’t being benevolent. She didn’t want Alice to show her up by arriving by bike.

‘Just make sure you keep your receipt. And if you’re going
to tip the driver, do it with your own money. I’m not a charity.’

Alice nodded keenly.

Audrey pressed on. ‘So you’ll be sitting at the top table with John and me, President Ernie and his wife Patricia, Barry Chambers from A Fine Romance and his wife Eileen, and Ms Toogood from Love Birds and her partner, Brad. Don’t you think you should be writing this down? I don’t want you embarrassing me by forgetting the name of somebody’s spouse.’

Alice delved into her jumper, pulled out a dog-eared notebook and biro and scribbled diligently.

‘Oh, and that new boy from Love Birds will be there too to make it an even number. I can’t remember his name. Mathis? Something like that.’

‘Matteus?’

‘Yes, yes. And I don’t want you going all gooey-eyed over him. I saw the reaction he got at the meeting last week. Most distasteful. I’d never seen such a display of hormones.’

Alice laughed.

‘Don’t worry; he’s not my type.’

Audrey eyed Alice. Even she had seen that Matteus was very good-looking. A bit slimy, and rather heavy-handed with the aftershave, but definitely the sort women seemed to go for. Alice, on the other hand, was a drab little wallflower, the kind of girl who’d get lost on a magnolia background. ‘No, I don’t expect he is,’ she said dryly.

‘There will be no discussing of clients,’ she continued bossily. ‘Remember . . . there’s no such thing as a
crossbureau friendship. Everyone must be treated with suspicion.’

Alice nodded.

‘Might I remind you of the confidentiality clause in your contract? Loose lips sink ships, young lady.’

Alice blinked and nodded again.

‘With that in mind, you will moderate your drinking. I will be most displeased to see you drunk. I suggest a water course after each glass of alcohol. Do you know what that is?’

Alice nodded.

‘That’s one glass of water to every glass of alcohol consumed,’ Audrey steamrollered on. ‘That way you’ll stay in control of your faculties and we’ll stay in control of our client list.’

Audrey noticed that Alice was looking at her peculiarly. ‘Was there anything else?’ Alice asked.

Audrey fiddled with her glasses and tried to think of something.

‘No, that will be all.’

Audrey frowned as she watched Alice shuffle back to her seat and resume staring out of the window. She couldn’t remember why on earth she’d invited her to the ball or, for that matter, why she’d let Hilary talk her into hiring her in the first place. It had been the last time she’d ever taken Hilary’s advice and she’d never risked going on holiday since. Such a mistake, that fortnight on the Norfolk Broads when she’d left Hilary in charge. It had rained every single day, and when she’d returned to the office she’d found
Alice manning the phones. Hilary had put up such a persuasive argument for keeping her – something about numbers being up and the clients being happy – that she’d agreed to it. It had been the only day Alice had ever come to work looking smart. The moment she had her feet under the table her steam iron had mysteriously disappeared. Audrey wasn’t sure that happy clients had been worth it. She watched unhappily through the glass wall as Alice absent-mindedly pulled a biro from her hair. She sincerely hoped Alice had booked a pre-ball trip to the hairdressers. Slowly Alice began to use the end of the biro to scratch at the nape of her neck.

Audrey turned away. She couldn’t bear to see any more.

‘She said
what
?’

Ginny’s voice sounded incredulous over the background of Scarlet’s ear-splitting wails. It was ten o’clock. Scarlet was obviously having a difficult night . . .
again
.

‘She said no matchmaker makes a deliberate love match until they’ve screwed at least six months’ fees out of a client,’ Alice repeated as loudly as she could without actually shouting into the phone.

‘That’s awful! Do you think it’s true?’ Ginny bellowed back at her, trying her best to have a normal conversation as though a screaming infant wasn’t really breaking several health and safety decibel limits whilst pummelling angrily against her shoulder.

‘It can’t be. It’s immoral. And besides, if Ernie at DIPS knew anyone was doing it he’d shut them down.’

‘So you reckon it’s just Love Birds, then?’

‘It must be,’ Alice replied uncertainly. ‘I can’t believe Audrey would do it too. I mean, I know she’s a . . .’

‘Brute? Ogre? Sociopath?’

‘. . . bit of a grump, but she’s as happy as anyone when
we make a good match, especially a match that ends in a wedding.’

‘Yeah, sweetness and light, that Audrey,’ Ginny said sagely. Alice heard her fob baby Scarlet off on Dan. Suddenly the sounds of howling receded. Alice’s ears tingled as they readjusted to normal sound levels.

‘Audrey’s got her bad points, but she’s not like Sheryl,’ she reasoned, as much to herself as to Ginny.

Ginny laughed. ‘Not corrupt; just crap.’

Her statement hung heavily between them. Alice stared thoughtfully into space.

‘So what about Sheryl, then?’ Ginny broke her reverie. ‘You going to take her up on her job offer? Double your salary . . . offers like that don’t come around every day of the week.’

‘I don’t see how I can,’ Alice replied glumly. ‘Not now I know about her tactics. I couldn’t do what she does; I couldn’t do that to the clients. Can you imagine how awful it must be for them, to have six months of wrong dates?’

‘Most people have
years
of wrong dates out in the real world.’

‘But that’s the point; it’s my job to take them away from all that. I couldn’t deliberately make them unhappy when I know I could make them happy.’

‘But what about making yourself happy, Alice? What about the money and the promotion and the greenhouse? What about getting the recognition you deserve after all these years?’

Alice thought for a moment.

‘Could you do it, Gin? Knowing what we know, could you really take Sheryl’s job and sleep well at night?’

‘You’re asking the mother of a one-year-old whether I’d sleep well at night? I’d sell my soul to the Devil for eight hours, earplugs and an empty double bed.’

‘An
empty
double bed?’

‘Oh, you know; space to stretch out and not to have to fight for the covers.’