Alexxxa (4 page)

“Alexa?”

“Yes?” I mumbled, still staring out the window.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about this.”

“No, it’s fine. Ask whatever you want.”
I wish I could be on a boat right now, traveling to some kind of beach paradise. Maybe I do need a real vacation
?

“Okay, so again—how did I not know about your mom? People have a tendency to talk about stuff like that. And I might not have been popular but I would have heard something—a whisper, rumor—something.”

“I convinced the cops to not tell anyone.” I shifted in my seat, crossing and uncrossing my legs. “I mean, they still filed a report, they didn’t do anything illegal. But they kept it quiet for me. Even had the body removed on the DL.”

I glanced at David to see a shocked expression on his face. “How did you manage that?”

I felt my lips turning up into some kind of twisted smile without any conscious effort on my part. “Simple really. I blew them both. After that they were very accommodating to my requests. My services even bought me some time until my aunt could come live with me.”

I stared into David’s ice blue eyes, which his inky lashes were fluttering rapidly over. “What?” he finally managed. “You—you’re making that up.”

I shook my head slowly, my smile growing wider across my face. “Nope. I told you, I’m good at what I do. If I could have gone into porn then, I would have.”

“But-But—“ David sputtered before going temporarily mute. He seemed to be having a hard time processing my words, which made me throw my head back to laugh.

“Oh David, honey, darling…you really can’t be that naïve? Sex not only sells but it pays for almost anything you can imagine. I was lucky enough to learn that early, and even luckier to be so fucking good at it.”

“Lucky?” David’s voice cracked like a thirteen year old going through puberty. His face then flushed with anger. “They took advantage of you, they—“

“Sixteen was old enough to know what I was doing. And despite the circumstances that brought them to me—David—“ I bit my lip and thought about my time with those two young police officers. It had made me feel so good, so powerful…so special. “I loved every second of it. One of them even came back for more. He fucked me every chance he got, and in return he turned a blind eye to some of the shit Devlin got into.”

“Devlin? Devlin Saint? I thought the two of you—“

“Yep, he was my boyfriend,” I finished for him before he could ask the entire question.  “But he didn’t mind me being with other guys. In fact, he used to enjoy watching. It got him all hot and bothered to see me giving other men pleasure as long as he got to say when and where. He liked the control. He just didn’t like people knowing about it.”

“Wow. Fuck.” David stood abruptly causing his chair to topple to the ground. He ran his hands through his dark hair and tugged. “Just—fuck.” He paced a few steps and then returned to right his chair before sitting back down. He leaned forward and studied me intently for a few moments. When he finally spoke his voice was rougher than I was used to hearing. “You do know how fucked up everything you just told me is, right? You do know that those cops and Devlin—fuck—probably every man you’ve been with has taken advantage of you. You were sixteen fucking years old, Alexa, that—well—that shouldn’t—none of it should have happened.”

My cheeks heated. “And I suppose if none of that had happened I wouldn’t be fucked up in the head and a porn star? Is that what you think? Because this is the last time I’m going to tell you—I LOVE WHAT I DO! I FUCKING LOVE IT!” I screeched the last part at the top of my lungs. My throat ached slightly when I was done.  I slumped down into my chair and wrapped my arms around myself. “There’s nothing wrong with me, David, nothing.”

“Who are you trying to convince, me or you?” he whispered, causing my heart to triple in time.

“Fuck you, David—or should I say Davy Jones? Fuck you!” I stood and my foot caught on the edge of the chair, causing me to tumble forward onto the plush carpet. “Fuck you, David,” I sobbed as I pulled myself to my feet and ran head first into Josh entering the room. I couldn’t really see his face through the onslaught of tears dripping down my face.

Confusion was interlaced into every word as Josh spoke. “What happened? Are you okay? I thought we were going to do the interview?”

“Interview’s fucking over,” I snapped as I skirted around him and hightailed it out of there.

~David

“You want me to break everything down for you?” Josh asked.

But my thoughts were still on my conversation with Alexa and how upset she’d become because of it. I waved him off. “It’s all right. I’ll get it.”

“You sure?”

“Yes!” I snapped before struggling to regain my composure. “Sorry, man, I’m just on edge. Things got…intense before you got back. I need some time to regroup.” Josh shrugged and left without another word.

The revelation of Alexa’s past relationship with Devlin Saint had my mind reeling. The fact that she didn’t realize how he’d taken advantage of her—how all those men had taken advantage of her—
fuck
. All right, so maybe she really enjoyed sex. I believed that. Maybe she was even a borderline nympho, but that didn’t excuse Devlin from his actions towards her. Alexa was so fast to defend her choices but I’d found a gaping chink in her armor—love. I’d seen the soul deep pain in her eyes when I’d mentioned it on the plane and I’d recognized the denial and confusion when I’d told her that she’d been taken advantage of. She kept spouting off how she loved the adoration she got from being a porn star. She’d told me she loved the power she felt, the specialness… It had only taken me a few days to figure out Alexandra James’ deepest, darkest secret. She just wanted to be loved and accepted. She fucked on film for money because she thought that was the only way she could get it. The problem was, she was starting to doubt that reality. I’d seen that in her eyes too. The worst part—
God help me
—I wanted to save her from herself. My little adolescent crush had officially morphed into something a hell of a lot riskier. I now had real feelings for, not porn star Alexa, but for the woman underneath the persona, the woman who used to go by the name Andy.

I knew what I needed to do. I needed to pack up everything and get the hell out of Dodge as fast as humanly possible. Of course, there was no way I was actually going to do that. You see, men may think with their dicks, but we’re led by our hearts. Yep, I was completely screwed.

~Alexa

I lay in the middle of my hotel bed, curled into a tiny ball. I was pissed; I was confused, I was sad… I was on my own personal emotional roller coaster and I didn’t know how to get off. At least I’d stopped crying. I hated to cry, it was just messy...not to mention embarrassing if anyone saw you. I had no idea what was going on with me anymore. My burnt out theory could still hold water, but somehow it felt like so much more. Whatever it was, somehow David was making it worse. I mean, who the hell was he to question my life? No one had ever taken advantage of me. I’d been the one who offered the blow jobs to those cops. And I was always the one who initiated things with Devlin…and other guys. Everything I’d done was my decision. No one took advantage of or manipulated me. I loved sex and I loved the affection it got me.
But are you happy?

“Shut the fuck up!” I yelled at my own thoughts. Maybe I was simply going completely insane. They always said it was okay to talk to yourself as long as you don’t answer…
Did I just answer
? I laughed. I was being absolutely ridiculous. I knew what I needed. I needed to put everything back into perspective. I needed to be with someone who knew me, the real me. Not just the perception or image of me. I needed to see Devlin Saint. The memory of the last time I’d ever laid eyes on him snapped into my mind’s eye completely unbidden, and played there like an old distorted film strip.

“Andy, baby, oh, fuck.” Devlin bucked underneath me as I levered myself up, and slammed down onto his slick cock, reverse cowgirl style. His callused hands snaked up to dig into my hips as he attempted to move me faster. I leaned back, my long blonde hair flowing across his chest and shuddered my climax. Devlin pistoned his hips a few more times before his release pulsed into me. He muttered something unintelligible before pulling me off him and tucking me into his side. “Goddamn, baby, you fuck like a champ.”

I chortled. “You’re not so bad yourself.” I sat up on my elbow so I could study him. His chin length blond hair was a sweaty, tangled mess, framing his classically handsome chiseled jaw. His chocolate eyes were studying me as I studied him. “What are you thinking about, Dev?” I couldn’t help but ask. Something about him seemed more serious than normal.

“I can’t go to L.A.” he mumbled as he tore his gaze away from mine. “My father’s company is here
—
and I’m going to take it over one day. I
—
I just can’t go.”

Sudden heat suffused my body and I flew from the bed, my heart threatening to pound out of my chest. “Wha-what are you talking about?” I stammered, my vision faltering for a moment.

Devlin sat up and met my gaze once more. “Stay here in Pittsburgh with me. I’ll make you happy, I swear it. We can
—
“

“No!” I screeched. “You promised! You promised that we could go to L.A. so that I could
—
“

“Be a fucking porn star?” Devlin stood and stalked towards me. “I only agreed because I thought you’d grow out of wanting that. I love you, baby, and I’m tired of sharing you.”

I was completely blind-sided. “I thought you liked to watch me with other guys?”

“It was hot
—
hell, it still is. But we’re not kids anymore. We’re not
—
“

I trembled. “It’s my dream, Devlin. I want to be a porn star.”

Devlin grabbed my shoulders, his fingers digging into my flesh painfully. “It’s one thing to watch you fuck my best friend, knowing you’re coming home with me, that it’s just sex with him and you love me, but
—
I don’t want the world to know how fucked up we are. It’s time for us to grow up, Andy.” He shook me while his eyes bore into mine. “We need to grow the fuck up and I want a life with you. A real life.”

“No,” I whispered as tears pooled in the corners of my eyes. “I thought you understood
—
I thought you got me.”

Devlin pulled me into him and I was enveloped in his warmth and scent. It only made me shake more. “I do get you, Andy baby. I’ve understood you since we were kids. But dreams of being a porn star
—
I mean
—
what is that? Who sets out with goals of becoming that? It was a silly girl’s fantasy. It’s time for you to leave that all behind.”

“How am I supposed to do that? I don’t have any skills besides ‘fucking like a champ’.” I threw his complimentary post coital words back at him.

“You’re an amazing artist. You could paint
—
you could
—
“

“I don’t want to be a starving artist!” I screeched into Devlin’s chest. “I want to be someone. And the only way I can be is by being a porn star.”

Devlin shoved me away from him, anger sparking in his eyes. “You’d never be a starving artist. Haven’t I taken care of you all these years? What, fucking only me won’t be good enough for you? Only me loving you won’t be good enough for you?”

I met his darkened gaze as tears flowed down my face. “No. No it won’t.”

As I blinked my current surroundings back into focus I punched the bed in frustration. I couldn’t see Devlin. I’d almost forgotten how we’d left things. I’d painted him as a perfect image in my mind and the reality wasn’t exactly how I’d portrayed it to David either. It had turned out that Devlin wasn’t as thrilled to share me as I thought he’d always been. Sure he thought it was hot, but he’d reached a point where he was over it. But I knew in my heart what he had offered me—a normal life with him in Pittsburgh, wouldn’t have been enough for me. The fact that Devlin’s family was loaded and he could have provided me with any kind of material possession I desired only served as proof that wanting to be a porn star wasn’t just about the money. Not only had I craved the love and adoration being a porn star would give me, but I just plain old got off on exhibitionism. Just the thought of anyone watching me even pleasure myself got me wet.