Agent Provocateur (30 page)

Chapter Twenty-Four

Betty is in Fiona’s office. Fiona is out at a conference, so Betty has commandeered her office to make the phone call she has been thinking about all night, which meant she didn’t get much sleep. The stupid bet is in her head, under her skin, everywhere, and it will drive her insane unless she takes a stand. Trust, she has discovered, is not as easy to believe in as she thought. This is a weakness in her rather than in Johnny. She hates herself for it; she has no idea how to get rid of it. There is a battle going on, and she knows that she is responsible, no one else. She was trustful, he was trusty. Now she is feeling suspicion and insecurity, and he is still trusty. Isn’t he?

She sits in Fiona’s chair and rests her head on her desk. She needs to put her thoughts in order. There has been only one night when he was out, and that was the previous night. If she has seen him, which Betty is sure she has, then it must have been during the day, and if he was lying, then last night. But Johnny doesn’t lie, that much Betty knows. He was with a client, but he specified that the client was male, so he couldn’t have been with Grace. Because if he was with her, he would have said that his client was female. Betty isn’t a jealous monster; she knows he has female clients and that’s fine. The trouble is that if Grace is posing as a client, which Betty believes she is, then she is not only a female client, but a female client intent on seducing him.

Why did I ever agree to this? she asks herself, but the answer upsets her as much as the question. Is her job more important to her than her marriage? Or is she just more sure of her marriage than her job? That would be a good answer. She agreed because she knew, and everyone else agreed, that she had nothing to worry about. Johnny is her husband, her best friend, her lover. He is the one person in her life that has never let her down. She is unsure now why she felt even the tiniest bit of doubt. However, she still picks up the phone.

Grace is woken by the phone ringing. She looks at the clock. It is half-past ten. Because sleep teased her all night, she has slept late. She thinks about ignoring the phone, but then she gets out of bed and goes to her office, mentally making a note to get another phone as she stubs her toe on the door in her sleepy state.

‘Hello,’ she says, rubbing her toe and suddenly realising how cold it is. She is wearing only a T-shirt.

‘Hi, it’s me.’

‘Betty?’ She blinks and wonders if she is still asleep.

‘Yes. Look I know we agreed that we wouldn’t talk or whatever, but I just wanted to … to …’

‘To know if I’ve fucked your husband.’ Now she is awake. She is also in a very bad mood.

‘Grace!’ Betty immediately feels her hackles rise.

‘I’m just teasing you. I haven’t, by the way, in case you were worried. The deal was that you don’t call me and I don’t call you. Until after two months. If you’re getting all paranoid then it serves you right. The woman who said she would never doubt her husband is doubting him. Tut-tut, Betty, that’s not very nice of you, is it?’ Grace’s memories of why she dislikes Betty are prominent.

‘I am not calling you because I am worried about him.’ Betty is remembering what a bitch Grace is.

‘Really?’

‘I’m not worried, I just feel guilty. You know how it is.’

‘I have no idea. I don’t have a husband.’ Grace knows she is being deliberately obtuse but then she doesn’t want to make it easier for Betty. She wants to make it as hard as she can. And she can.

‘I trust him, OK? It’s just really hard knowing that I’ve done this to him and that he might be seeing you or might not be. I’m not blaming you, I blame myself. I hate myself for doubting him, really hate myself. And it’s only been a short time. I am worried that I won’t keep it together for the rest of the month, or the next one.’ Betty is trying to stop herself from crying. She is angry with her eyes for even thinking they should be allowed to shed tears.

Grace does a U-turn and feels dreadful for being such a bitch. Betty loves him; she doesn’t deserve to be hurt. The problem is that although Grace knows she should let go of the whole thing now, she can’t. She can’t because she has come alive, and he is her life support. He is the blood that is coursing through her veins. He is her reason. So as much as she feels awful for Betty, which unexpectedly she does, she cannot let go. She is not ready to die again.

‘Betty, I am sorry. I shouldn’t be goading you, really I shouldn’t. I know how much you love him. I can’t stop this because a bet is a bet and I need to see this through; we had a deal, after all. But listen to me, the reason I said we shouldn’t speak was because I didn’t want you driving yourself even madder, or for me to lie to you and tell you things which will make it worse. So, although I think this should be the last time we talk until it’s over, I am going to tell you something. Firstly, the men I am paid to test are normally horrible, but Johnny is not. Secondly, he loves you, that is the clearest thing I have ever seen. Thirdly, if you feel threatened at all, then just ensure that he knows how much he means to you. I can’t imagine I’ll win this, Betty, I really can’t.’ She is surprised by how nice she is being but she feels guilty herself.

‘Do you mean that?’ Betty is surprised by Grace’s kindness and she doesn’t altogether trust it.

‘Yes. Listen, you were out of order with the way you treated me, and I am full of anger at you, chock a block full. Moreover, although I can behave like a bitch, I’m not really one. Now, I’ll talk to you when the agreed deadline is up, all right?’

‘Yes, I am now.’

Grace puts down the phone and feels her face. It is wet with tears. She is crying because she has just realised the full extent of what she is doing. Betty sounded desperate, and although she isn’t her biggest fan, and despite her recent actions, being horrible isn’t her. As she thinks about stopping, she feels even worse. She can’t contemplate not seeing Johnny again; she has to see him, she needs to see him again. As sorry as she is for Betty, she is more sorry for herself. Her tears are for her, not Betty. She is ill equipped to deal with her feelings; she is not familiar with them. She is terrified of everything, and she cannot think of Betty. For now, she has to think of herself. For once she is going to try to catch some happiness.

Or, if Johnny chooses, he will melt her frozen heart. The ice queen will learn how to smile. But one way or another she will pursue this. Because she has only just found that she has a heart, she needs to ensure that it is real and the only way she can do that is by feeling it fill with happiness, or by hearing it break. She is prepared for either option.

Betty puts down the phone and banishes the threat of tears. At first, she thinks that Grace is going to lose because she herself admitted that Johnny loves Betty. Then she thinks of the advice she gave her. She takes Johnny for granted, and that is her only danger. Grace will present him with perfection; Betty must learn to compete. There is no rule in the bet that says Betty has to sit back and do nothing. She can try to win too. If she makes sure that he knows how much he means to her, and she treats him like a king, then he will have no reason to go elsewhere. She is taking out extra insurance. Bye-bye, Betty Parkin; hello Betty Super wife. She will not surrender without a fight, nor will she behave in the paranoid way she has been behaving. It is time for her to take control and win the damn bet.

Despite her tears, Grace has to pull herself together and get on with the bet. She mustn’t think of Betty; she can only think of herself. This is not yet Phase Five but an appendix to Phase Four. Grace dials Johnny’s direct line and, to her relief, he answers.

‘Johnny Parkin.’

‘It’s Grace,’ she sobs.

‘Grace, what’s wrong?’ He is surprised to hear from her so soon, and although part of him is pleased, another part feels wary.

‘I left my job.’ She wonders how many lies are forgivable.

‘What?’ Why she is calling him with this information? He knows why – because even though they barely know each other, he held out the branch of friendship, and she took it. He doesn’t mind her calling – in fact, he is happy to hear her voice – but no matter how many times he tells himself that he isn’t doing anything wrong, part of him feels that he is. He has no idea how to stop this guilt without breaking contact with her, and he can’t do that: she needs him. He doesn’t want to do it, he just doesn’t.

‘He was so horrible to me, I just couldn’t stand it. Oh, Johnny, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be calling you. You’re a financial adviser, not a counsellor. I am so sorry.’ She sobs harder. The tears are left over from the conversation with Betty, hence their willingness to return.

‘Grace, it’s OK. You can talk to me.’

‘But you’re at work.’

‘Look, I’m flat out, but why don’t you meet me for lunch, in J&J’s, the deli opposite my office?’

‘Are you sure you have time?’

‘I can spare an hour. I’ll meet you there at one.’

The appendix to Phase Four is underway. She tries to be pleased with herself but that is becoming slightly difficult.

Betty goes to the fashion department.

‘Rich.’ She approaches the fashion assistant.

‘Yes, darling?’

‘I need some underwear.’

‘Why are you telling me?’ He looks at her in his campest mock horror.

‘I wondered, have you got any fancy stuff down here I can nick?’

‘Well, there is a baby-blue negligée with a little tiny dressing gown – you know, fifties style. It’s over there and we haven’t used it. But if you tell anyone I led you to it, I’ll shoot you.’

‘You’re a star. Will it fit me?’

Rich looks at Betty’s slim frame. ‘Of course, and probably have room for him in there too.’

‘That’s the idea.’

‘You know what you need?’

‘What?’

‘Those fluffy high-heeled mules. We don’t have any here, but you could go buy a pair.’

‘I might just do that.’ She kisses Rich on the cheek and then goes to steal the negligée.

While Betty was thinking about underwear, Grace is thinking about outerwear. She picks out a suit, one that she imagines is the sort a legal secretary would wear. It emphasises her long legs and tiny waist. She wants Johnny to think she has come from the job she has just quit. Again, she feels a small pang of guilt at the fact she is lying. She is also aware that she is playing a role all the time, one that didn’t matter when it was about revenge but does when it is about more than that. She can only hope that he will forgive her, or be too in love with her to care, details that she is not equipped to deal with yet. If he does fall in love with her, then she will address the problem. Now, she still needs to get him to fall for her.

Grace sits in the deli, still wearing her ‘work suit’. She is early, so she orders a coffee and waits. Her stomach is fluttering slightly, another new sensation. She is enjoying the experience of each new emotion, although each takes her by surprise. She would like to pin them down, to isolate them, but they are moving too fast for her to catch. She is on a roller coaster ride, and she is screaming with joy.

‘Have you been waiting long?’ Johnny asks, concern apparent in his eyes.

‘I kind of wandered around after I called you. I ordered a coffee, but nothing to eat.’ She gestures to her coffee.

‘What do you want? I’ll order.’

‘Nothing. I’m really not hungry.’

‘You have to eat. What about a cheese sandwich – plain, but at least it’s something?’ She likes the fact that he is taking charge; he hates the fact that he wants to make her feel better. His old friend guilt has returned.

‘All right then.’ She smiles at him sadly. This is genuine. She doesn’t want to be lying to him, she wants to tell him the truth. But if she does she will never see him again. She watches him at the counter with intense fascination. She only ever felt like this when she looked at her fish, but she could watch him for hours. He returns with a coffee and two sandwiches.

‘Johnny, I’m sorry I called you. It wasn’t fair.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘You’re trying to sort out my finances, not my other problems. It’s just... well, it’s embarrassing but I don’t have anyone. I trust you.’

‘What, no friends?’

‘Not many. By the time I married I’d whittled all my friends down to mutual ones. When we split up everyone found it easier to side with him. It’s hard for me to trust people, but for some reason I trust you.’ She casts her eyes downwards.

‘Why?’

‘I don’t know. People I thought were my friends weren’t. I learnt not to rely on people.’

‘That’s awful.’

Johnny is thinking about his group of friends. Despite the recent party, most of their friends are couples, who somehow or other are mutual friends. There are a couple of guys at work that he is friendly with, but socialising is limited to an occasional after work drink. He wonders what would happen if he and Betty split up, then he brushes that thought away. They won’t split up. He has no idea what is happening to his head, but thoughts are entering it that he should never allow. He finds it hard to breathe. He looks at Grace, and wonders if she has put a spell on him. He knows that now he should walk away, go back to Betty and tell Grace she will have to find another adviser. He opens his mouth to tell her as much. It is for the best.

‘I can’t fucking believe people sometimes.’ His vehemence takes them both by surprise. He didn’t say what he thought he would; he knows he can’t. He has no intention of having an affair, cannot believe his head will allow that thought in either, but he can’t walk away. She needs him, that’s all there is to it, and he is a good person. No, he can’t walk away.

‘Anyway, I still shouldn’t have called you. I know, let’s go back to business. I haven’t seen your proposals yet and, God knows, I’m going to need to sort something out now I have no income.’ She thinks he wants her, but she also senses his reluctance. He is in love with his wife, and she thinks of herself as a distraction for him. She is excitement, versus routine. She knows that he will not have an affair with her. She cannot tell how she knows but she knows. If she wants to win the bet or, more importantly, win Johnny, she will have to get him to leave Betty. Can she get a devoted husband to leave his devoted wife in under three months? And could she live with herself if she did? She has no idea, but one thing she does know is that she is falling deeper and deeper into him.