After Ben (4 page)

“Come on. We’re getting breakfast.”

Within fifteen minutes, they were sitting in a nearby diner, accepting coffee and ordering their meal. Peter talked, while Theo just listened, feeling exhausted already. It wasn’t even 7:30 a.m. When their food arrived, Theo virtually inhaled his eggs and toast so fast that Peter watched from across the table in amusement. He pushed his own toast toward Theo, then winked at the server, asking for more. Theo swallowed somewhat self-consciously.

“I guess I was running on empty,” Theo admitted as he took another huge bite. Peter sipped his coffee, eyes wide above the rim of his cup.

“Uh-huh.”

“It’s been a busy week.” Theo watched as Peter wiped his mouth with a napkin, then settled back in his seat. He looked completely relaxed, his expressive face tilted slightly to one side, dark hair falling damply across his forehead. When he smiled, Theo found himself smiling back.

“That’s better.” Peter sounded pleased.

“I’m not great company, I know. I’ve had better weeks, I guess.”

Peter tilted his head the other way as Theo answered, then hesitated momentarily before speaking. “Not for a while, Theo. I’m not sure you’ve had a better week for some time. How long have you been coming to the gym now? Six months? Maybe longer?” He answered his own question. “Yeah, pretty much every other day for at least half a year, Theo. I haven’t seen much evidence of a better week yet.”

Later, Theo wondered what expression must have crossed his face to make Peter reach over the table and grasp his hand.

“I’m sorry. Shit. I’m really sorry. It’s just been hard, you know? Watching….” As his voice trailed away, Peter squeezed Theo’s hand once, twice, then withdrew back across the table. Theo could almost see Peter’s inner conflict before he continued. “Sometimes when you run with your earbuds in, you smile. Did you know that?” He paused, then added, “The first time I saw you smile, I nearly dropped my weights.”

Theo could feel a blush creep up his neck as if he were still a fucking kid—hot, unexpected, and embarrassing. When he looked across the table again, Peter was flushed too.

“It’s true. I saw you in the mirror. What were you listening to?” Theo didn’t want to answer. He didn’t want to dwell, but Peter looked so inquisitive, so interested, that the words came, eventually.

“It was probably a Bob Marley track.” At Peter’s blink of surprise, he nodded. “My partner….” He stopped, sighed, started again. “My partner loaded my iPod. He liked to make playlists for me. Like a mix tape?” He looked up, and Peter nodded encouragingly, old enough to remember the simple pleasure of playing with tape cassettes.

“He—Ben—made one for when I ran. He called it ‘Pointless Waste of Time’.” Theo looked up in time to see Peter’s gentle smile. “He made lots of mixes for me. He could never understand how anyone could just pound away for an hour on a treadmill without entertainment, so he switched up the songs a little. He tried to surprise me.”

Peter leaned forward, his shoe brushing against Theo’s under the table.

“I guess I hadn’t listened to that particular playlist before. To be honest, I don’t usually have the music on. I wear headphones because I don’t want to talk while I work out.” Theo shrugged, looking down, guessing he wasn’t the only antisocial person at the gym, and then continued. “We went to Antigua last June. Ben had a braid put in his hair. We fished. It was good.”

Theo kept his head down.

The table blurred.

He felt Peter’s other shoe against his. It didn’t feel awful—the opposite, actually.

“Yeah, it was good. A great vacation, so the music reminded me, you know?” Theo shut his eyes for a moment, picturing the slow sway of Ben’s hips as they drank Bank’s beer with a crowd of honeymooners from Canada. They’d all been sunburned to hell and drunk on love, dancing to a Bob Marley tribute band with a couple of middle-aged gay dudes from Seattle.

“And today?” Peter asked, squeezing Theo’s feet between his. “What’s going on with you today?”

Moving his feet away a little, shuffling back in his seat, Theo looked up and sighed before speaking. “Today I get to fire people I’ve worked with for a very long time.” His face stretched, but it was more of a grimace than a smile. “I’d rather be back in Antigua.” He shrugged, looking up just in time to see a wave of sympathy wash over the face of the man opposite him.

Changing the subject quickly—there was only so much pity Theo could take this early in the morning—he asked what Peter did for a living.

“I’m a paramedic.” He pointed out the window. “That’s my station. Well, it’s usually my station. I’ll be working on a new project, starting next week.” He smiled, looking proud before continuing. “I’m setting up a new unit. Recruitment, training, you know how it goes.” He paused, looking at his watch, then back up at Theo.

“Look, I know how shit days go too, Theo. One moment your life is on track, the next….” He shrugged, and Theo nodded. “I’ve seen it too many times to waste my own time.” Theo couldn’t look away from Peter’s frank, bright blue stare. When he spoke again, Theo found himself nodding in agreement without even thinking.

“Go to work, have a shitty day, then come out with me. We’ll get our beer on. No strings, no big deal, just say good-bye to the week and move on.”

That sounded fucking perfect to Theo.

Scary, but perfect all the same.

Peter beamed, asking for Theo’s cell number before tapping it into his own and sending him a blank text. “Call me when you are done, and I’ll come and get you.”

Theo nodded, suddenly feeling winded, realizing that it was time to get to the office. Back at the gym parking lot, Peter’s hand on his shoulder was firm as they said good-bye, and his smile was wide as he leaned out of his truck window. He called back to Theo as he unlocked his car.

“Hey, don’t forget to eat!”

Theo closed his eyes and tried not to think about Ben.

H
E
HAD
definitely had better days.

They started the termination interviews right after a lunch that Theo could hardly stand to look at. It seemed particularly callous, but he understood the logic behind the process. Firing people at the end of the week, then shuffling them out of the building as quickly as possible, prevented wholesale gossip and protracted bad feeling, according to the management textbooks.

It didn’t help to know that on the floor above, as well as on the floor below, other managers were doing exactly the same thing. Theo guessed that the only departments slated to keep their full complement of staff were the ones on the corporate floor over at the new building.

The first few interviews were terrible examples of terminations. According to the generic DVD sent out by Human Resources, people would react in one of three ways: They might get angry, they might get upset, or they might take the news on the chin. He and Maggie had watched the DVD together on the day it arrived. He had shaken his head while Maggie had rolled her eyes, saying, “What a crock of shit,” with great feeling.

She wasn’t wrong.

The first termination was met with all three reactions, and more. Theo witnessed disbelief, tears, anger, personal attacks, and finally resignation. Maggie cleared their desk, and security escorted them down to the front of the building.

Stan, the second interviewee, was oblivious to the purpose of their meeting, even after Theo explained. His blank face was somehow worse than the previous staff member’s indignation.

“But… but…. Wait. What?”

Theo felt nothing but sympathy for the man.

Stan had shown him the ropes when Theo had been a completely inept new hire. He’d covered for his mistakes, taught him accounting shortcuts they didn’t teach in grad school, and invited him to both of his daughters’ weddings. Fuck. He’d stood behind Theo on his own worst day, when so many other people stayed away.

“But… but… I don’t understand. Why?”

Theo swallowed. This sucked. He thought momentarily of Morgan’s Internet wisdom. Just two nights before, he had said that the only problem with humanity was the impact of humans. When people pretended business needs were superior to individual rights, anarchy was the obvious outcome. That particular discussion thread had exploded, but Theo remembered Morgan’s list of human rights: equality, safety, freedom of expression, and respect. He doubted Stan was feeling the respect twenty years of service should have earned him.

It was crushing to watch his colleague—his friend—process the information. It was somehow harder to then sit back and listen as Stan rationalized on his behalf.

“I guess it makes sense.” Stan’s face twisted a little. “I’m four years away from full retirement. If I’m careful, I guess….” His thoughts trailed away. Looking up, he tried really hard to smile at Theo. That was terrible. “Chrissie has the kids to bring up on her own, Nick’s boys just started college. I get it, Theo. I understand why you chose me instead of them.”

After he left—shaking Theo’s hand, then pulling him into a hug—Theo rested his head, cheek down, on the cool desk surface. It made no sense to him. Stan saved the company so much more money every single year than he cost to employ just by catching others’ mistakes. His billable hours were never an issue; he consistently generated more income than forecast. He was recommended to new clients by established ones in a business where word of mouth raised more new dollars every year than glossy corporate advertising ever could.

He rested his head for a while, then fumbled in his pocket as his cell chimed; he had forgotten to turn it to silent because it never usually rang. Theo read the incoming text, then laid his head back down.

PETER: Keep going. Do your best. I’ll be thinking about you.

Theo puffed out a huge breath and kept going, doing his best until it was over.

On balance, Maggie and Theo agreed that the last interview was the worst, and the best. Curtis was from California and was so laid back that Theo sometimes wondered what the hell he was doing in Seattle, when it was clear that he missed his old beach bum-life so much. At only twenty-five, he was the best of the prior year’s interns. He was excellent with math, but a disaster with timekeeping. His termination had been the easiest decision to make.

He initially took the news on the chin, then dismantled the corporate strategy behind the firings so thoroughly that he left Theo breathless. If he’d read Curtis’s thoughts on paper, he would have thought him much, much older. Everything he said was absolutely true. When he predicted the slow collapse of the company, as spin and marketing replaced actual accounting, Theo shivered.

Had the situation been different, he would have told Curtis about the debate forum. He imagined that Morgan would have a few tricks to teach him. Hell, Curtis was so young to have such a philosophical talent; he might even outtalk Morgan with a few years practice. Instead, Theo talked to Curtis about his future. When Curtis asked him why he had stayed with the same company for so many years, wondering aloud how he hadn’t died of boredom, Theo blinked, thinking.

“I don’t really know. I guess I had so much going on in the rest of my life, work was just work. It’s always paid well, and I’ve been challenged with extra responsibility—although this aspect does actually suck—and the people, well, they’re like family.” It was true. It was all true.

He and Ben had traveled pretty much every chance they got, even weekends. They had friends throughout the country, and family to visit in Milan. They had godchildren in NYC, and a timeshare right outside San Francisco. Ben had loved San Francisco, and a lot of their friends were based in the Bay area. They had planned to retire there, although that had seemed a long way off.

Curtis looked between Maggie and Theo, and told them with the absolute certainty of youth not to waste their lives. They should make a fresh start too. He nodded, shook Theo’s hand, then held out his fist until Theo slowly pressed his own fist to it before Curtis left with Maggie.

When she returned a few minutes later, pink cheeked and blinking, Theo laughed.

“He kissed me. In the elevator. All the way to the ground floor.”

Theo had never seen her so dazzled.

“And?”

“It was wonderful.”

Theo guessed that the day could have ended on a worse note. Once he’d held a tearful team meeting with the remaining employees, he took Maggie home and thanked her for her support during a particularly shitty week. He didn’t bring any files home with him. He had absolutely no intention of thinking about work over the weekend.

Showering quickly, selecting casual clothes that he guessed would be suitable for a bar, he sent Peter a text before he could change his mind. While he waited, he sipped coffee and booted up his laptop. His private message light flashed as soon as the forum loaded, the ping signaling absolute online urgency.

MORGAN: Come on. Come on. Come on. COME ON ALREADY.

He left the laptop open on the counter after he heard the buzzer and went to open the door. Peter looked as nervous as Theo felt. He asked him to step inside for a moment while he fetched a jacket. Once Theo was set, he turned, walking right into Peter. In the muted entranceway lighting, Peter’s eyes looked a much darker shade of blue. He kissed Theo quickly with lips that were warm, soft, and dry, then joked that now they could both relax.

Dazed and slightly breathless, Theo pulled the front door closed behind him, ignoring his laptop’s insistent ping.

Morgan could wait.

Chapter 3