Her eyes flicked to the glass in his hand. “One of us is wasting time and it’s not me.”
“In case you haven’t noticed, I’m in no shape to be taking on any kind of job.” He motioned dumbly at the bruises on her face. God, he hated seeing them. “It’s not like I did a stellar job of it.”
“You thought it was Vester. So did everyone else.”
“This isn’t about Vester, damn it. It’s about me. My state of mind. My lack of focus. It’s about . . .”
What I did.
John stopped short of saying the words. But he could tell from the look in her eyes that she’d heard them. That she understood. That she wasn’t going to let this go no matter how badly he wanted her to.
“For God’s sake, Julia, I can’t even take care of myself,” he said after a moment. “I can’t do this.”
“Can’t? Or won’t?”
“Take your pick.”
“Maybe that’s because you’re too busy blaming yourself for something you had no control over.”
He laughed, but it was a bitter, incredulous sound. “I killed a man, goddamn it. I forgot my training and I fucking panicked. I overreacted. I pulled the trigger when I shouldn’t have and killed a cop. A thirty-eight-year-old guy with a wife and kids. I turned a young woman into a widow. I left two kids without a father. If all of that isn’t my fault, then who the hell’s fault is it?”
The door to the apartment across the hall opened. A short man with a belly the size of a Volkswagen stepped out and glared at Julia. “You want to keep it down, toots? We’re trying to sleep in here.”
Eyeing the man with open hostility, John reached for Julia, tugged her inside and slammed the door behind her. “I’m going to call Mitch and have him take you home,” he snapped.
“I’m not leaving.” She spun toward him, put her hands on her hips. “John, you put anyone in the same situation as what you were in that night and they might have reacted the same way.”
“You don’t know that. You weren’t there.”
“The department cleared you of wrongdoing.”
“Yeah, well, they’re covering their own ass because they don’t want a civil suit eating up the budget.”
“Can’t you take anything at face value?” she shot back.
“I know how the world works, Julia.”
“And I know what kind of man you are. I know how much you care.”
“I don’t want to hear this.”
“Too bad because I’m not finished.” Stepping close, she jabbed her finger in his chest hard enough to drive him back a step. “You’re running away. From life. From me. All because you feel you don’t deserve to be happy.”
Suddenly furious, he stepped toward her and rapped his fist against his chest. “This isn’t about my happiness, goddamn it.”
“You’re letting the guilt over a terrible accident ruin your life.”
“I’m accepting responsibility for what I did.”
“That’s way too noble for what you’re doing.” She motioned toward the bottle of booze on the table. “You’re letting it destroy you.”
“I can’t even pick up my own goddamn gun!” he shouted. “I haven’t been able to touch the fucking thing since that night. How’s that for fucking capability!”
The words shocked both of them to silence. He hadn’t meant to say it. But now that his deep, dark secret was out, he was going to have to deal with it. He sure as hell couldn’t take it back.
He told himself he didn’t care what she thought of him. Things would be better for everyone involved if she knew the truth. That she was dealing with a head case.
“I’m calling Mitch to take you home.” Turning away from her, he strode toward the kitchen, where an old rotary phone hung on the wall.
“John, don’t . . .”
He didn’t look at her as he started to dial.
Temper flared when she crossed to him and depressed the plunger with her forefinger. “We’re not finished.”
John wasn’t exactly sure what happened next. One moment he was furious and determined to get her the hell out of there. The next she was standing so close he could smell the sweet scent of her hair.
The hot rise of lust stunned him. Shook him. He knew touching her now would make the situation infinitely worse. But in some small corner of his mind he knew being with her just one time would be worth the price he would pay later when he walked away.
Holding that thought, he wrapped his fingers around both her biceps and lowered his mouth to hers.
TWENTY-SIX
A kiss was the last thing Julia expected, especially from
John in his current frame of mind. She knew he was kissing for her all the wrong reasons. Because he was angry and frustrated and didn’t want to deal with her—on an intellectual level, anyway. Not a good reason to let a man kiss you. But the instant his mouth made contact with hers, she forgot all about inappropriate motivations and sank into the kiss.
He tasted of gin and male heat, laced with a thin layer of a desperation she didn’t understand. There were no pretences with John. It was just him and her and the moment, with nothing between them except white hot fire.
The kiss was primal and raw, without the finesse a more pretentious man might have shown. But for the first time in her life, Julia didn’t want finesse. She wanted John’s mouth on hers. She wanted his hands on her breasts. She wanted his body inside hers.
Never taking his mouth from hers, he backed her toward the wall. Vaguely, Julia was aware that she was losing ground, that he was overwhelming her, both physically and psychologically. She tried to hold her ground, but he was too strong, too intense.
She gasped when her back made contact with the wall, but he didn’t give her a respite. Grasping her hands in his, he slowly slid them above her head. All the while he kissed her. Hot, wet kisses that turned her blood to fire. She could feel the arousal coursing through her body. Her breasts swelled within the confines of her bra. Wet heat pulsed between her legs.
Julia had always prided herself on being levelheaded. She liked being in control. But when John pulled back and looked at her with heavy-lidded eyes, she knew the situation was about to explode into chaos.
“This is not going to help.” His gaze was level and intense on hers. His chiseled mouth was wet, his jaw taut. “Damn it, Julia, this is wrong.”
“This isn’t about right or wrong,” she whispered. “It’s about us.”
He blinked as if the words had shocked him. A dozen emotions she didn’t understand scrolled in his eyes. She felt his restraint break as if it were a physical barrier between them. She cried out when he came against her. She could feel the steel rod of his erection against her belly. At some point he had begun to tremble. She could feel those same tremors ripping through her own body.
Vaguely, she was aware of his hands sliding down her body. Grasping the hem of her sweatshirt, he worked it up and over her head. Her hair brushed her bare shoulders. Chill air swept over her heated flesh. Wearing only her bra and jeans now, she could feel his eyes on her skin. She could see the male admiration in his expression.
All thoughts left her head when he raised his hand to the clasp between her breasts. One flick of his fingers and the tiny scrap of lace fell open. With a tenderness he hadn’t shown seconds before, he gently tugged the straps from her shoulders. Julia shivered when the cups fell away. Anticipation was like fire in her blood. She could hear herself breathing hard. The blood roaring in her ears like a thousand jet engines.
Bending slightly, John kissed her neck then trailed his tongue over the tops of her breasts. Every nerve ending in her body zinged when he took her nipple into his mouth. Gasping, she arched her back, giving him full access. She cried out when he raked his teeth over her. Arousal turned sharp-edged and urgent. She felt herself go wet between her legs, the heat pounding with every wild beat of her heart.
He suckled her until she was insane with the need to feel him inside her. It was as if her body had been doused with gasoline and ignited. She writhed against the wall as he licked and sucked and drove her to near madness.
Julia had taken only two lovers in her life. Men she had cared deeply for. But neither of those men had even come close to making her feel the things that John was making her feel now. They’d never made her lose control.
Desperate for his touch, she unfastened the button of her jeans. Her hands were shaking so badly she could barely lower the zipper, but eventually she managed.
“Touch me,” she whispered.
Raising his head from her breast, he made eye contact. Within the depths of his gaze she saw the deep well of emotion and a vulnerability he did his best to hide.
“You were hurt tonight,” he said in a gruff voice. “We shouldn’t be doing this.”
“I’m bruised, not dead.”
A smile curved his mouth. “You keep surprising me.”
She tried to smile, but there was too much tension running through her body. Her heart was beating too fast, her breaths rushing in and out between clenched teeth. “I keep surprising myself.”
He kissed the tip of her nose. “I like surprises.”
“So do I.”
He kissed her mouth then, driving his tongue deeply into her. Julia returned the kiss in kind, wondering how she was going to survive this encounter when she couldn’t seem to catch her breath. Her attention went south when she felt him tugging her jeans and panties down and over her hips. Quickly, she stepped out of them and kicked them away.
A shudder moved through her when John knelt in front of her. She felt his mouth on her stomach, just below her navel, and her knees went weak. All the blood rushed from her head when he kissed the crisp curls at her vee. Then he opened her and her legs nearly buckled.
Wave after wave of sensation swamped her. She heard herself cry out when he slicked his tongue over her. Setting her hand against the back of his head, she moved against him. She knew it was wanton; she’d never done anything like this in her life. But her trust was complete.
He flicked his tongue over the most sensitive and private part of her body. Julia cried out his name. Once. Twice. Pleasure warred with the need to protect herself, but the pleasure won. It built inside her, as violent and powerful as any storm.
“Come for me,” he whispered against her.
Her mind could barely process the words. There was too much sensation coming too quickly for her mind to absorb. He stroked her, harder and faster. The storm inside her broke with a violence that shocked her system. Pleasure wrenched a scream from her. The orgasm crashed over her like a storm surge. Her vision blurred. Stars exploded behind her lids. She could feel her body moving against his mouth. Heat and intensity burning her from the inside out. It was too much, but not enough.
When she opened her eyes, John was looking at her with an intensity that took her breath away. She was still breathing hard. Her body trembled violently. Heat pulsed between her legs with every hard thrust of her heart.
“I didn’t know it could be that way,” she said.
He brushed the hair back from her face. “I think they call it chemistry.”
“Or a nuclear blast.”
Julia smiled when he swept her into his arms. She laid her head against his shoulder as he carried her through the living room, down the hall and into the bedroom. She caught a glimpse of an old-fashioned iron bed, unmade. Dark, heavy furniture. Windows with the blinds pulled.
He laid her on the sheets, then stepped back. Never taking his eyes from hers, he pulled the shirt over his head and threw it aside. His chest was as wide and hard as an oak tree. He was broad in the shoulders and lean of hip. His limbs curved with muscle, but they were not overdeveloped.
Julia’s heart pounded hard when his fingers went to his belt. He unbuckled it, unzipped his fly and tugged the jeans down. She caught a glimpse of white boxer shorts over lean hips. An abdomen covered with a thin layer of black hair. Her breath jammed her throat when he hooked his thumbs into the waistband of the boxers and eased them down.
Her cheeks heated at the sight of his jutting sex. His size intimidated her, made her feel like perhaps she was in over her head. John Merrick was not the least bit shy, and the sight of his body thrilled her in a way she’d never been thrilled.
“Come here,” he whispered.
All the breath rushed from her lungs when he put his knees on the bed and started toward her. She walked on her knees to him. Then they were belly to belly. She could feel the sensitive tips of her breasts brushing against the hairs on his chest. The tip of his penis against her belly. Taking her hand in his, he set her palm against his shaft.
His jaw went taut when she wrapped her fingers around him. The breath rushed between his teeth when she began to caress. His eyes glazed when she leaned forward and ran her tongue over his flat male nipples. A surge of feminine power washed over her when he groaned. It excited her knowing she could do this to him.
Bending, she kissed him lower, leaving a wet trail from his chest to his hip. She could feel his penis against her breasts. She moved toward him, ran her tongue over the tip. He was slick with his own moisture.
His body jerked when she took him into her mouth.
“Aw, God,” he ground out.
His shaft was like steel, the head like velvet. He set his hands on her shoulders as if to restrain her, but Julia didn’t stop. She’d never taken a man into her mouth, never had the desire to do so. But with John everything was different. She wanted to give him pleasure. She wanted to ease his pain, remind him that life was worth living. She wanted to show him how much she cared.
He growled when she took him into her throat. His hips moved and he began to gently slide in and out of her mouth. Once. Twice.
“Stop.”
Before she could, he pulled away. In a single, smooth motion he grasped her arms and eased her onto her back. “I’ve got to get inside you before I explode,” he whispered.
His arms shook as he poised himself over her. Her heart raged as she opened to him. She could feel her entire body trembling. Then, surprising her, he lowered himself to her, took her face between his hands and looked into her eyes.