“Your
reluctance to answer tells me you don’t know when your next meeting with my
husband will be. Am I right, Karen?”
I
cough feeling nervous and urge myself to remain calm.
She
continues, “You seem unnerved by our meeting, I assure you I mean you no harm.”
Now
I know how a fly feels when trapped in a spider’s web.
“You
must admit the situation is a little strange.” I sit up straighter in my seat
giving her the impression I’m more confident than I am.
The
waiter arrives to take our order and she gives him a smile that oozes sex
appeal. Whereas I’ve trained myself not to lead men on, I’m true to only one
man. Ironically, that man happens to be the husband of the lady grilling me.
The waiter took our order and left.
“I’ll
be honest with you I wanted to meet to find out about your affair. Not the
intimate details of course, I have a vivid imagination…”
Shocked,
I feel the colour flooding my face, I ask, “Um…what kind of details were you
hoping to hear?”
She
dips into her designer handbag and pulls out a list of questions, informing me
they require a yes or no answer.
“Do
you live in a flat?”
“Yes.”
“Does
Dan pay for the flat?”
“
No
.”
I reply indignantly.
She
shakes her beautifully coiffured head in disbelief or is it pity? I’m not quite
sure.
Dan
had never offered to pay towards my bills, but he’d insisted I live close by.
Easy
to get to you in a hurry when I need you,
was how he’d put it.
“Does
he visit you more than three times a week?”
“No.”
Three times a week I wish. I’m lucky if I see him twice a month nowadays.
“Has
he ever told you he loves you?” she asks as our mushroom risotto arrives.
“No.”
“Does
he ever talk about me?”
“No.
Never,” I insist, picking up my fork and playing with the meal I no longer have
an appetite for.
“Has
he ever told you he intends leaving me for you?”
“No.
Never.”
Hmm…why not, after being together for five years?
“Do
you know where we live?”
“No.”
Although Dan had always told me they lived in a modest area.
She
folds the piece of paper and returns it to her bag with a smug grin.
“Is
it all right if I ask
you
a question?” I ask with caution.
“Just
the one?” she says raising a quizzical eyebrow.
“How
long have you known about Dan and me?”
She
laughs. “Right from the word go. Not even Donald Trump has that many business
meetings. Did Dan ever tell you we have kids?”
I
gasp. “No. He told me you were infertile.”
“Well,
we have two, a boy of six and a girl of three.”
Ashamed,
I look down at the table and mumble, “I’m sorry.”
She
smirks. “That’s what the other girl said when I told her about you. You seem
surprised. Surely, you didn’t think you were the only one.”
I’m
rendered speechless by her announcement and she leans forward to whisper, “Have
you finished?”
I
frown, puzzled by what she means.
“Have
you finished your meal? Only the next girl is waiting to be interviewed.”
“
Interviewed
?
You make it sound like there’s a job going.”
“There
is. Dan’s next wife. Fed up with his philandering ways, I left him for another
man six months ago. Dan told me he had three lovers on the go and would I be a
darling and pick a suitable candidate to be his next wife. Well, how could I
refuse? Be a love and send the next girl over on your way out, will you?”
I
stumble out of the restaurant gasping at the fresh air. Her final words to me
were that I’d failed the interview for being too gullible and that Dan would be
looking elsewhere for his next wife.
Although,
she did reassure me there would be a vacancy or two for a mistress a few years
down the line…
Party
Time
“I
think it’s far too soon for me to contemplate socialising again,” I said to
Tania.
“Christine,
it’s been six months since you lost Pierce. Six months since you last stepped
outside your front door.”
I
sighed and reminded myself that Tania’s heart was in the right place and she
was bullying me for my own good.
“Okay,
okay, I surrender. You win! I’ll go to the party with you. What harm could one
night out do anyway?”
Tania
squeezed me so hard I thought she’d dislocated my shoulder. “Oh, Christine,
that’s wonderful news, you won’t regret it. I must go, I promised Steve I’d
make a special effort with dinner tonight.” She chuckled then said, “We had a
heart to heart the other day and he told me he’s sick of having burnt offerings
served up for dinner every night. I told him it’s difficult to cook wholesome
exciting meals when you’ve been slaving over a hot keyboard for ten hours a
day. So, as it’s my day off, I thought I’d wow him with a fab meal, any
suggestions?”
Sadness
and longing swept over me. “Pierce always loved my Lasagne, what about having a
go at that?”
“Are
you crazy? You’re lucky you’ve got Italian ancestry running through your veins.
Pasta dishes always look as if they should be exhibited in an art gallery when
you’ve prepared them. No, I was thinking of something far simpler, like gammon
and chips, what do you reckon?”
I
supressed the laugh threatening to surface when I saw how pleased she looked
with her own suggestion. “Sounds perfect, Tania. Remember, I’m at the end of
the phone if you want any advice on how to open a bag of frozen chips or the
packet of gammons.”
She
slapped me on the forearm. “You cheeky mare! Just make sure you get down the
fancy dress shop ASAP, it’s going to be quite a party and they’re bound to run
out of outfits quickly.” Tania shouted over her shoulder before slamming the
front door shut behind her.
At
nine the following morning, in the midst of a violent storm, I stood sheltering
in the shop doorway.
“Come
in, come in, my dear. I’m not quite ready to open yet, I’ll be another few
minutes, but go and warm yourself by the radiator,” said the sweet woman with a
face that looked like it needed ironing.
“That’s
very kind of you, please do what you have to do, I’m not in a rush,” I assured
her watching her tinker with the costumes.
Ten
minutes later and she gave me her undivided attention. “Now then, what exactly
are you after, my dear?” She raised her hand when I opened my mouth to speak.
“Don’t tell me, let me guess. Snow White or Goldilocks?”
That
was sweet of her. I self-consciously ran my hands over my curves. Since
Pierce’s death I’d turned to food for much needed comfort. My healthy eating
regime and my svelte figure was a long and distant memory.
“Actually,
I was looking for something similar to this,” I said, approaching the more
colourful costumes situated on the rail closest to me.
“Oh
I see.” She looked a little bewildered by my choice. “What size are you, dear?”
I
coughed to clear my throat and mumbled, “I don’t really know, I guess a 16-18.
I’ve gained a little weight recently,” I said my cheeks flushing.
“Haven’t
we all, dear. At this time of year I always make the excuse it’s the thick
winter woollies I’m wearing.” She winked as she took the correct size costume
off the rack and handed it to me.
In
the changing room, I squeezed myself into the tiny outfit and was amazed how
good I looked in it. Even though I could see lumps and bumps jutting out in
obscure places.
“How
endearing you look, my dear. Here put this on and it’ll give the outfit the
finishing touch,” she said handing me a matching hat.
“All
I need now is some blue suede shoes,” I said admiring my image in the mirror.
She
frowned and fell silent.
“Did
I say something wrong?”
“Let’s
just say I’ve never heard that request before with this particular outfit.” She
shrugged and set off in search of the shoes.
“Here
we are, dear. I took a gamble on you being a size six.”
“A
six is perfect, thank you.” I tried the shoes on and they were a perfect fit.
The shop assistant was right, it did seem an odd combination, but it was what
the invitation had stated.
I
paid for the costume hire and stopped by the bakers on the way home and picked
up a Cornish pasty for my tea.
Saturday
night arrived and to ease my anxiety I decided to have a nice long soak in the
bath. I was halfway through squeezing myself into my costume when the phone
rang.
“Hello?”
I said breathlessly.
“Hi,
Chrissie, just checking in to see how you’re doing,” Tania asked exuding
excitement.
“I
was just putting my costume on, some friend you are by the way.”
“What
have I done wrong, now?”
“Why
didn’t you tell me I’d put on so much weight,” I chastised her.
“Oh,
Chrissie, I’m so sorry. You’ll soon get it off again. We’ll start going to the
gym together next week. Hey, how’s the costume look?”
“It’s
great. The woman at the shop was so helpful. Mind you, I felt a bit like Mr
Benn in there.”
Tania
was still laughing when I hung up a few minutes later. She’d wanted to drop by
and pick me up but I told her I’d meet her at the party, it was silly for her
to go out of their way.
The
taxi driver laughed when I sat in the back of his cab. I swear he was a
comedian in his spare time the amount of one-liners he aimed at me. I smiled at
him but inside I was seething. I had a horrific thought that maybe my friends
would react in the same way when they saw me.
Of
course they won’t, they’ll be wearing the same goofy outfit.
“There
we go. Have a great time, I’m sure you will in that get up,” the driver said
when we reached our destination.
I
smoothed down the red felt jacket over my protruding backside and hitched up my
green leggings over my round belly. Then I bent down and pulled up my stripy
red and white socks, finally I adjusted my pointed green hat.
I
was ready.
Six
months imprisonment well and truly behind me. Life…here I come, again.
Hesitantly,
I rang the bell to the large Georgian home belonging to another good friend of
mine.
Dave
answered the door with a can of beer in his hand. He had beer stains galore
down the front of his white suit. His eyes sparkled with amusement when he saw
me standing on the front step. “Tania, Steve, Sharon, come and take a look,” he
shouted behind him.
Three
more pristine white suits appeared and my friends looked at me in awe.
“Chrissie,
what’s going on? Where’s your Elvis outfit?” Tania asked finally.
“But
my invitation said…I have it here.” I took the card out of the envelope. Oh my
God, I’d made the most dreadful mistake.
Blue suede shoes Elvis party.
My mouth dropped open, I’d read it as a blue suede shoes Elves party.
“As
well as joining the gym next week, young lady, I think I’d better enrol you in
some reading classes at night school.” Tania said, tears streaming down her
face.
Feeling
totally embarrassed I said, “I feel a right Charlie.”
My
good friends thought nothing of my mishap though and shouted in unison, “Hi,
Charlie, come join the party.”
Promising
Weekend
“I’m
telling you, Sue, I reckon he’s going to pop the question.” Julie pointed out.
“What
question might that be as if I don’t know?” I sighed and gazed out the café
window, watching lovers walk by hand in hand, laughing and smiling at each
other.
“This
is the way I see it, a man doesn’t tell his girlfriend they’re going away for a
dirty weekend without some ulterior motive.” Julie winked and gave a smug
smile.
“Who
mentioned anything about it being a ‘dirty’ weekend?”
“A
romantic weekend for two in Scotland, that’s what you said, right?”
“That’s
right. What’s dirty about that?” I asked, glancing out the window just in time
to see another couple playing tonsil hockey at the bus stop opposite.
Julie
shook her head and scowled. “Ooh…you can be so bloomin’ naïve at times.”