Dear Abella,
You do not need to worry. I am currently a cat in
Basingstoke
and was previously a tortoise in, well somewhere near
Basingstoke
I guess. I am not in pain and I am hoping to find a way to get back to you. I am sorry I died and although I would like to say that I won’t do it again, that would be a white lie because sadly I have to kill myself every four days. Annoying but sometimes you need to go with the flow.
Trust me when I tell you that this is not easy to explain.
I love you so much and miss you even more.
Love. Ed
***
No. I can’t send anything like this.
It would just open up the wound again and she’d just think it was some digital prankster and be angry
.
Ed sat back a little from the computer and slumped with misery, not knowing what to do.
“I’m dead but I have an opportunity to contact her. This would be redefining Ouija boards and séances. Speaking to the dead in the twenty-first century. Just hit send and you and your loved one will be digitally connected with our 100% authentic Ouija app,” joked Ed to himself. He loved her so deeply though. Of all the things to lose with his passing, his relationship with her was undisputedly top of the list. However, he knew he could not send her an email. It would be so cruel and destructive. He sat quietly with his sadness for a moment before sitting bolt upright again, looking at his reflection in the computer screen. A proud Egyptian-looking cat browsing online. How modern can you get? Soon he was focused back on the laptop and navigated to the home page of the CubiZ website and on to the products page.
It listed a number of new products that he had not seen before. Solar powered shoes with thermal feet warmers, tents with solar panel material that powered little LED bulbs in the roof, solar powered flasks that would keep coffee warm for days and even a solar powered crash helmet that could blow either hot or cold air inside. The list went on and on as Ed scrolled through, amazed at how everything had come together. He glanced down again at the bottom of the screen to check the time. It had crept on to 21.19. He figured he had half an hour left before Ali and Frank arrived back home from the match.
He navigated back to Google and typed in; free anti virus download.
Soon he was on the site of ‘Zap a spam MO-FO’ and was downloading and installing the program. He was getting comfortable with the paw and claw motions on the touch pad, speeding through the process of putting the product on the laptop and updating the anti virus definitions. In no time he had clicked on the scan option and the computer was having its hard drive trawled through for nasty, unnecessary and downright bloody annoying infiltrations from some spotty anaemic computer hacker in
Eastern Europe
or the
Far East
.
Why do they even bother in the first place? They can’t see when they have
zapped someone. What’s the point?
thought Ed, as the scan completed itself.
1246 problems found. Do you want to quarantine and delete these problems.
YES? NO?
Ed happily clicked on ‘YES’ and watched the anti virus strut its funky stuff as it zapped each and every one of the invaders, proudly showing a bloody scene of a computer hacker being shot in the head at point blank range each time. That amounted to 1246 re-runs of the gruesome scene and took over fifteen minutes.
Right then. Turn on automatic updates, close down the internet browser and
brush my paw marks off the touch pad
, thought Ed, as he tidied up the scene and tried to get the computer back into position on the table before jumping down onto the chair and then onto the floor.
He meandered out into the kitchen and lapped hungrily from his saucer of milk before returning to the living room and the comfort of his basket. He got back into his now familiar recline with his legs poking out and his head resting over the edge of the cut out at the front. Soon he had nodded off, only to be abruptly awoken by a slam at the door and loud footsteps approaching along the passageway and bursting into the living room.
“What is this new bloody offside rule anyway? Not offside if the player is not interfering with play. How much is he bloody well interfering with play when he scores a goal? Can’t bloody well interfere with play more than that. Morons, the lot of ‘em,” ranted Frank, completely disillusioned with the law makers and referees of the glorious game.
“Miserable, eh? Anyway, we were undone with a Kipper blow,” replied Ali.
“It’s not Kipper blow, stupid, it’s a killer blow.”
“Whatever. We’re still top though, Dad; Scummers lost.”
“Don’t call them scummers. They are just another football team, or town or whatever you want to call them.”
Together they headed into the kitchen, tossing their jackets at the sofa behind them. They disappeared from sight before Frank momentarily reappeared and tossed his hat towards the jackets, missing totally and landing on Ed’s head.
Oh, for fuck’s sake
, thought Ed, as he tossed it off, whilst beginning to notice the alluring smell of fish and chips.
“Sorry, Smunky,” said Frank as Ed followed him and the smell into the kitchen.
“We’ve got to give Smunky some, Dad, just a bit.”
“Okay then, a bit of fish and a few chips and that’s it,” replied his father.
“Great, he’ll love that,” said Ali as he unwrapped his portion and broke some fish off. He placed this together with seven chips onto a clean cat bowl and placed in on the floor before putting his own, much larger portion on a blue and white patterned plate, lashing it with salt and vinegar.
“Oh please, salt and vinegar for me, salt and vinegar please,” mewled Ed, standing on his back legs with his front clawing up the cupboard doors towards the seasonings.
“Is it my imagination or is he getting fussier and fussier? He surely can’t be asking for salt and vinegar, can he?” said Frank disbelievingly as cat noises blurted with desperation from Ed’s mouth.
“Wow, that’s strange. I’ll put some on and see,” replied Ali, before grabbing both pots and bending down to the bowl on the floor. Ed jumped down, setting all four paws on the floor simultaneously like a moon mobile. He followed him over, nudging his hand when he had the right amount of salt and just enough vinegar.
“That is unbelievable, Dad. Either I am imagining it or this is the most clever cat in the world.”
“Yeah, whatever. Let’s go and eat this. Then it’ll be time for bed,” replied Frank, heading into the living room with both plates in hand.
Brilliant, fish and chips. This has got to be better than being a tortoise any
day of the week
, thought Ed, as he began tearing at the food in true cat-like fashion, tossing it from side to side whilst trying to gnash at it with his jaws.
Once his treat of a meal was over he headed back into the living room. Ali and Frank had finished and Frank was bringing the plates back into the kitchen.
“It’s late, time for bed, young man,” said the father as he returned to the living room.
“All right, Dad.”
Ali got up, and they both left the room, Frank switching the light off as he walked through the door, his arm trailing behind him. Squeaks and moans came from the stairs as the loose thin floorboards of each step felt the force of the heavy footsteps. Soon the sounds had demised, leaving only the odd squeak as father and son went about their duties in their respective rooms.
***
Ed returned to the comfort of his basket and tried to get some sleep. He was restless with all the discoveries of the evening and soon decided on a bit of adventure instead.
Right, a bit of night life for me I think. It will be very interesting to check out
these ‘night vision’ eye balls
,” thought Ed, as he jumped out of his basket and strolled elegantly over towards the kitchen.
Might even find myself a little feminine feline companion
.
I wonder what that
would be like. I wonder if I’d fancy her
. thought Ed, marvelling at the prospect.
I definitely won’t suggest ‘Doggie’ position though. That might go down very
badly,
smirked the cat to himself as he pushed his way through the cat flap and into the mellow night.
He proceeded down the thin path and into the main overgrown garden. The bright fluorescent street lamp at the front threw a reasonable amount of orange light onto the scene but as soon as he got into the main part of the garden his whole focus started to change and he began to see the benefits of feline vision. It was as if the view was being filtered through some sort of strange photographic ISO machine, making it much brighter and whiter than it really was. Then, when he looked around back at the brighter path area it compensated so that everything seemed pretty evenly illuminated. Meanwhile his whiskers sensed everything in the locality with
I thought it would be strangely green or infra red, like a bizarre night time
action commando movie
,” thought the cat, glad that the whole night scene was not like one big green and black inverted photographic image. He made his way down to the barbeque area, jumped up onto the wall, onto the small fence and finally leapt to the heights of the big long fence that ran along the back of all the gardens. He was astonished at how his feet just instantly found their footing, even on the top of the thin fences and in the evening light. It was so instinctual that it felt like someone was doing it for him without having to worry himself. His tail counterbalanced him from behind, compensating with incredible effectiveness every time his body twisted, turned or jumped. He really felt like the perfect night creature, superbly balanced and intricately aware of his environment. He skipped along confidently, wondering at how marvellous the gardens looked with this new cat vision. He was silently enjoying being a cat.
He proceeded along the fence, dancing one paw in front of the other in a satisfying quarternity of movement, past the strange old man’s garden and those of his neighbours. At the end, there was a tall wooden post crowned with a small, flat, piece of wood. He jumped up onto it, the area being just big enough for all four paws to arrange themselves and balance him proudly on top. He looked around and saw down to the right a small pond surrounded by tiny bushes and shrubs. He jumped down and sat beside the water’s edge, next to a small solar powered lantern flickering on and off as if the batteries were on their last legs.
Why can’t they get it right?
he thought, as he sat alert, mesmerised by the beautiful calm silence all around. He stared up at the clear starry sky and the sharply focused three quarters moon. It was indeed a thoroughly beautiful night.
Maybe this is the lesson right here. What’s wrong with this? No ambition, no obligations, no worries, no stress, no bills, no arguments and no anxieties. Maybe this is enough. Why should I change anything? I get fed, have a warm place to sleep, gardens to roam in, extreme agility, night vision and ridiculously good balance. This ticks a whole load of boxes that are definitely not ticked for a lot of humans. Why should I want to go back to that?
Ed mused on his position, slightly surprised how quickly he had adjusted to the whole thing and how he had come to terms with being dead.
Sure, I miss how things were, but if I move on from this incarnation, there would probably be elements of it I would miss.
Ed moved over to the water’s edge. He could see his reflection clearly as he moved his head over the calm water, stretching out his right forward paw and disturbing the mirror water surface. It erupted into a thousand ripples, moving outwards from the point of impact, breaking his reflection into a million quivering segments.