Authors: Meredith Schorr
I looked down at the ground and watched my knees wobble. “Yes, officer. I'm… I'm sorry. I've never done this before, I promise.” I looked up into his eyes again, afraid he was going to arrest me.
“I have to write you a ticket and you'll have to appear in court.” He removed the beer from my hand and tossed it into the nearest trash can.
I felt my lips tremble slightly and took a sideways glance at my friends who I could tell were trying to listen. “OK.”
The officer removed the pen from his clipboard. “I need to take your information.”
After I gave him my name, address, and birthday, he put the pen back and handed me the ticket. “OK. If there is any incorrect information on this ticket, it will be thrown out of court. Do you understand?”
I nodded.
“Look at the ticket carefully. Again, if anything is wrong, the judge has to throw it out.” Then he lightly patted my shoulder. “You
can go back to your friends now. Have fun. But remember, no more beer until you get inside the bar!”
“I promise.” I took a quick glance at the ticket and saw that he had written my birth date in 1984, not 1983, and looked at him again. He was smiling and his eyes were now more kind than disciplinary. I whispered, “Thank you,” and returned to the line.
I sheepishly made my way back to my friends. “How does the girl who doesn't even drink beer end up getting the ticket?” Shaking my head, I said, “Where's the justice?”
“I tried to warn you,” William said in a soft voice.
“Yeah, about two seconds too late.” I pushed him lightly to let him know I was kidding.
Looking concerned, Bethany asked, “What's gonna happen?”
“Well, I'll have to go to court. Can't wait to explain
that
one to my folks.” Between this and missing the LSAT, they might send me for blood tests to confirm their daughter hadn't been abducted by aliens and replaced with a lesser, refurbished model – the anti-Stepford child. Deciding to leave the worrying for another time and place, I said brightly, “The good news is that, even though I have to show up at court, the ticket will be thrown out.”
In response to a chorus of “Huh” and “Why” I said, “The police officer purposely wrote down my wrong birthday and said any incorrect information makes the ticket void.”
“Cool!” Bethany said excitedly.
“Yeah, but why ticket her in the first place?” Anne said.
“He has to make his quota of tickets but probably drank his share of open container beers and felt sorry for you. Or maybe he just thought you were cute,” William said, smiling.
I smiled back just as the bouncer asked for our I.D.s. A few seconds later, we finally entered the bar. The smell of beer and sweat radiated from the place, but it wasn't nearly as crowded as the long line suggested.
As if reading my mind, William said, “They must be managing the crowd due to fire department regulations.”
When one of his friends said, “Beers, everyone?” I nodded. If the first beer resulted in a ticket, who knew what excitement would ensue after a second?
* * *
“Don't try to sweet talk me,” I said to William an hour or so and two beers later. “I'm not buying it.”
“Would you rather I be mean to you?” He asked, a smug smile on his face.
“On second thought, sure, whisper sweet nothings in my ear. But don't expect me to take you seriously. I don't take any of you seriously anymore.”
William raised an eyebrow. “Any of you, who?”
“Boys!”
“I see.”
Pointing my finger at his broad chest, I said, “I know you just like the thrill of the chase. So chase me. But if I let you catch me, and that's a very big ‘if,’ I fully expect you to release me shortly thereafter.” I took a gulp of beer. “I know the game.”
“I can play by those rules.” William grabbed my hand and shook it with a firm grip.
“Then it's settled. By the way, I need to do something.” I removed my hand from his.
“What? Pee?” William pointed behind him. “The bathroom is in the back. I'm betting the line for the ladies room is almost as long as the line to get into the bar!”
“I don't have to pee.” I sort of did, but only realized it that second. I stood on my tippy toes and leaned toward William, who looked at me with a mixture of amusement and fear, and I planted a soft kiss on his beauty mark.
“What was that for?” William asked.
Shrugging, I said, “Just felt like it! You complaining?” I could tell by his goofy grin that he liked it.
“Not at all,” he said, lifting me off the ground and spinning me around. “You're a piece of work!”
Pounding his back with my fists, I said, “Put me down! Don't know if my stomach can handle this on three beers.”
William put me down. “You win.”
“Remember, I don't want to be your girlfriend!”
“I don't want to be your boyfriend anyway.”
I giggled, “OK!”
Bethany came over and handed me a white paper Dixie cup. “Green Jell-O shots!”
I raised the shot in the air. “To missing the LSAT!” I squeezed the alcohol gelatin from the cup and swallowed it in one piece. “Lunch is served!”
“You missed the LSAT? What's that about?” Bethany asked. She detached herself from the grip of a short, stocky guy with a thick head of black hair, a five o'clock shadow, and a tiny leprechaun painted on his right cheek. I had no idea where he came from and wondered if she knew him from college. “Come with me to the bathroom,” she said, grabbing me by the elbow.
“‘K!” I held out my glass while William refilled my beer from a pitcher. Before walking away, I looked at him and said, “Don't go anywhere! Not that I'd care if you did.”
He shook his head at me, and raised his hand in a salute. “Aye, Aye Captain!”
I grabbed the back of Bethany's sweater and followed her to the bathroom line. “Who's that guy hanging on you?”
Turning halfway around while walking, she said, “My boyfriend, Phil. What's that about you missing the LSAT?”
Waving her away, I said, “Never mind about the LSAT. Not important right now! I had no idea you had a boyfriend! Everyone has a boyfriend but me. Not that I want one!”
A girl ahead of us in line turned around. “Me neither. Men suck! But I wouldn't mind sucking face with someone today.”
“Me neither. I'm gonna suck face with William when I get back!” I said.
“Who's William?” the girl asked.
“A tall, obnoxious guy with a beauty mark.” I shrugged. “He's grown on me.”
Bethany laughed. “Beer will do that to you.”
“Is he ugly?”
Please don't say yes.
“No. He's not bad at all. But you had no interest earlier.”
“That was then. This is now. And I'm not looking for a boyfriend. I just want to kiss him.”
C
HAPTER
36
I woke up and turned over. Not expecting to see a man's bare back in my bed, I sat up and confirmed that I was naked. I pulled the sheets over my body and muttered, “Holy shit.” I reached down, grabbed a T-shirt that was conveniently at the foot of my bed, and pulled it over my head. Careful not to wake up William, I quietly stepped onto my floor and caught sight of the digital camera sitting on my desk. I vaguely remembered posing for pictures.
I sat at my desk chair, stretched the bottom of my T-shirt over my legs and looked back at the pictures. Bethany and me with our mouths open showing green Jell-O on our tongues.
Gross
. Bethany leaning over her short boyfriend and kissing the top of his head.
What was his name again?
Bethany licking the leprechaun on her boyfriend's cheek. Me proudly holding up my ticket.
My ticket. Fuck
. William holding up my ticket. Me holding up the ticket with the group behind me. William kissing me.
“Morning, Hello Kitty.”
I swiveled my chair so I was facing William, who was now sitting up in my bed.
“Morning. What's with you calling me all those names?”
William stretched his long arms over his head. “Terms of endearment, Peaches and Herb.”
“You're strange!”
“So are you,” he said, smiling.
I tossed my camera on the bed. “Check these out. We were way drunk yesterday.”
“Yes you were. I doubt I'd be here if you weren't.”
“No way!” I quickly agreed. “I mean, no offense. I just don't usually bring strangers home with me.”
Now sitting on the edge of the bed with his feet on the floor, William chuckled. “Good! I like to think I'm special.”
I had to smile. “Special you are. But don't worry, I won't stalk you and I don't expect to be your girlfriend just because we had sex.”
“I couldn't handle you as a girlfriend!”
Apparently neither can anyone else I've met since breaking up with Bob.
“I don't usually do away games, even if it means I have to sneak out of a chick's apartment at four a.m. But you're a sweetie. And kind of fun after a beer. Anytime you want to hang out, let me know.” Before I could respond, he said, “With or without the sex. I mean it. I like you, Little Red Hen.”
I noted it was the best one-night stand of my life, a close race with the only other one I'd ever had. “Thanks. You're not so bad yourself,” I said, adding a silent
Beauty Mark Guy
to the end of the sentence. Not quite as creative as him since one nickname was all I could handle after a day of drinking.
William got out of bed and I turned away while he put his clothes back on. “I'll show myself out.” Kissing me on the top of the head, he said, “Be good.”
“I will.”
After he left, I jumped back in bed, closed my eyes, and fell asleep alone.
Just me, the biggest slut on the Upper East Side.
When I woke up a few hours later, I thought back to six months ago, when the only guy I had slept with was Bob, my high school sweetheart and the guy to whom I remained faithful throughout college and for years later. In a mere six months, I had multiplied my “number” by five.
So much for sex being an intimate act meant to be shared between two people who actually cared about each other.
I didn't even know William's last name.
Or ‘Buddy's’ first.
What had become of sensible “Mary Jane” (my pledge name in college)? Who had replaced my white patent leather Mary Janes with fire-red “fuck-me” pumps?
My phone rang and I hopped out of bed. Claire. I tried to think fast, but the green Jell-O from the night before clogged my brain. I had no idea what to say and so, chewing on my finger nail, I stared at the phone until it went to voicemail. I knew she was calling about the LSAT. Should I tell the family I thought I did well? That would make my dad proud. Or should I tell them I froze so I'd have an excuse to take them again?
I heard footsteps in the hallway and after slipping on a pair of sweatpants and my fuzzy slippers, I went into the living room where Lainie was sitting on the couch.
She saw me and quickly removed her feet from the coffee table. “I know. It's gross. I'm sorry.”
I brushed her off with my hands. “No worries. Do what you want.” Then I joined her on the couch, put my own feet up on the coffee table and said, “Anything good on?”
Still staring at the television set, Lainie answered, “
Bridezillas
marathon on WE. Gotta support the hand that feeds me.” Turning to look at me, she said, “Why are you staring at me like that?”
“I feel like we're our own version of
Freaky Friday
.”
Looking at me with interest, Lainie said, “What's that supposed to mean?”
I somehow managed to make my cry sound like a laugh and said, “Just a few months ago, you loved to play the field and thought I was lame for wanting to be with one guy. Now you're exclusive with Antoine, riveted to a
Bridezillas
marathon, and I got a ticket for drinking beer on the street and brought a stranger home to my bed. Bizarro world!”
A huge grin on her face, Lainie said, “A stranger in your bed, huh? I guess Frances Jane came out to play. Do tell!”
“Yeah, Frances had a blast! Apparently I'm better at being Frances than I am at being Jane.”
Lainie muted the television set, removed her legs from the coffee table, and angled her body to face me. “Did you ever think maybe there was always a little bit of Frances in Jane just dying to come out?”
“Not really,” I said with certainty.
“C'mon, Jane. If you married Bob….” Lainie stopped speaking and gazed at the wall for a second before continuing, “Or even
whatshisname, Randall, after Bob, you don't think you'd ever wonder if you were missing out?”
“Easy for you to say,” I mumbled.
“Why's that?”
“Nothing. Never mind,” I said, looking down toward my slippers.
“No. I'd like to know why it's easy for me to say. According to the gospel of Jane Frank.”
“You have a boyfriend now!”
“Now, yes! But he's the only guy I've dated seriously since moving here. So, on second thought, you're right, it
is
easy for me to say!”
“What's easy for you to say?”
Lainie rolled her eyes. “That it makes sense to play the field. That way, when you meet someone you really like, you know the difference.”
“I've played the field! I dated Randall, Jim, and Cory.”
And had sex with Buddy and William
. “I've played the field hard!”
Lainie let out a chuckle. “Whatever you say, Jane.”
“Oh, and you're suddenly an expert on finding love just because you have a boyfriend? Thank you, oh wise one.” I leaned over and turned the volume back on the television.
Lainie removed the remote from the coffee table and muted the television again. “Why are you getting so angry at me? I'm just trying to help, Jane. I thought my experience in the dating world might give you a different perspective. I'm sorry I bothered.” She got up from the couch and started walking to the hallway before turning around and tossing the remote at me. “I won't make the same mistake again,” she said.
I shouted back at her, “Maybe I just don't want quite as much experience as you!” My pulse instantly increased its pace in acknowledgment of how bad that sounded.
Facing me once again, her eyes wide open, Lainie said, “Excuse me?”
“Maybe I don't want to sleep with a hundred toads before I find my prince!” I bit my lip and quickly giggled to signify I was joking.