“If it’s sparkly, come-hither jewelry, yes.”
Come-hither jewelry!
Now
she
said nothing in that pointed way people say nothing when they’re thinking about things that can’t be said.
He inclined his head toward her; Larissa inclined her body away and pushed her cart forward. “Well, have a great day.”
“You sure you don’t need help?” Stepping away from his bike, he put his hand on her shopping cart. Was he allowed to do that? Wasn’t that like putting your hands on someone’s pregnant belly? Against some sort of Super Stupid food shopping etiquette? “I’ll help you put your 12-pack of Diet Coke into your car. You far?”
“No, no.”
No, no
was to the help, not the far. He wasn’t listening, already pushing, as she walked next to him, slow. Before she found the unlock button on her key ring, a thought flashed: is he safe? What if he’s one of those…I don’t know. Didn’t she hear about them? Men who abducted girls from parking lots?
And did what with them?
Plus he wasn’t a man.
Plus she wasn’t a girl.
He looked exotic, his brown eyes slanted, his cheekbones Oriental. He looked sweet and scruffy. Who would abduct
her
from a parking lot? And, more important, why?
And even more important, how did she feel about being abducted?
And was that a rhetorical question?
And furthermore, how come all these thoughts, impressions,
fears, anxieties, reactions, flashed in her head before her next blink, like a dream that seems to take hours but is just a couple of seconds before the alarm goes off? Why so much thinking?
And was
that
a rhetorical question?
She lifted the back hatch and he said with a whistle, “Awesome Escalade. All spec’ed out.” Like he knew.
It took him all of twenty seconds to load her groceries into her luxury utility vehicle. Slamming the liftgate shut, he smiled. “You okay now?”
“Of course, yes.” She was okay before, but didn’t say that. It sounded rude.
He began to walk back to his bike. “Have a good one. And stay away from hairdressers,” he added advisedly. “It’s not like you need it.”
When Larissa got home, she left her bags in the car, left her purse in the car, crashed through the house from back door to the front, limped to the full-length mirror in the entry hall and stood square in front of it.
She wore a lichen parka, gray sweats from college, a taupe torn top. She had not a shred of makeup on her face, and her pale hair was unwashed a day and unbrushed since two hours ago. Her lips were chapped from the cold, her cheeks slightly flushed and splotchy.
Whatever could he
possibly
mean? She stood in front of the mirror for an eternal minute until she startled herself back into life, and rushed out, Quasimodo-style, to pick up her youngest child from school.
8
99 Red Balloons
W
hile Michelangelo cut and pasted for school, and munched his cup of dry Cheerios, a string cheese, a cookie, a glass of milk, and a fruit cup, Larissa puttered around, looking inside her freezer, realizing belatedly that she hadn’t bought meat. Now she was searching for some ground beef she could hastily defrost for a casserole or a pie. Maybe she could leave Michelangelo with the two oldest; they should be home any minute—
And there they were. The back door slammed, the backpacks thumped to the floor, shoes flew off. They bounded into the kitchen, opened the fridge and…”There’s nothing to eat in this house,” said Emily, slamming the refrigerator door. “Mom, we gotta go. Last week we were almost late to my lesson and I don’t want to be almost late again.”
“Okay, honey,” said Larissa. “I’ll hurry with dinner, so you won’t be almost late again.”
First was cello. Then karate for Michelangelo and guitar for Asher. Mondays were busy.
“Track is starting next month,” said Asher from the back. “I’m joining.”
“Is that before or after karate? Is that before or after band?”
“It’s
with
, Mom.”
“Is that before or after the orthodontist at five tonight?”
“With, Mom. With.”
Ezra had called when she was out, saying he needed to talk to her, but when she called back
he
was out and Maggie was cryptic on the phone, saying only that he would talk to Larissa Saturday night at dinner.
When Jared got home, he took one look at her and said jokingly, “Oh, hon, don’t get all gussied up on my account.” Her plain face, her unsmiling mouth didn’t deter him from kissing her, tickling her, from heartily eating the hamburger pie she made, from taking the garbage out, and getting the poster board for Asher’s project on hooligans, from looking at the eight boxes taped and stacked against the bedroom wall and saying, “Whoa. Whoa right there. What in the world have you been doing? Is that why you didn’t answer the phone all day?”
And then it was night and everyone was asleep, everyone but Larissa, who sat in bed, with a
People
magazine in her lap, staring at her peacefully sleeping husband, the vampire hunter, and the carousel spinning round and round in her head was
it will soon be gone and no one will ever know how much she had loved it all
.
1
Things Which Are Seen
T
he external life is all Larissa knows, most of the time. She married the man she fell in love with in college. She loved him because her friends were either hippie potheads like Che, or sesquipedalian book chewers like Ezra, but Jared had the unbeatable combination of being both, plus a baseball jock. There was something so adorably sporty and cerebral about him. He wore baseball caps and black-rimmed glasses and pitched until his arm gave out, but couldn’t live without baseball, so he got a job teaching English and coaching Little League, and then, according to Ezra, completely sold out and got an MBA, instead of the long-planned PhD in
fin de siecle
American Lit, but the difference between the two terminal degrees meant that Larissa and Jared weren’t broke anymore, and Ezra and Maggie were.
They bought a gray-colored sprawling colonial farmhouse on Bellevue Avenue on a raised corner lot overlooking the golf course, the kind of house that dreams are made on, the house of twelve gables and white-painted windows adorned with black shutters. Through the pathways and the nooks thirty clay pots sprouted red flowers summer and winter—pansies, impatiens, poinsettia.
Larissa and Jared owned sleek widescreen televisions and the latest stereo equipment. In the game room, they had a pool table, a ping-pong table, an ice hockey table; in the backyard, a heated pool and a Jacuzzi. Their closets were organized by two professional closet organizers (how was
that
for a job description), and three times a year a file organizer came over to assess their files. Jared paid the bills. He drove a Lexus SUV, she her Escalade. Their appliances were stainless steel and there was marble in their bathrooms. The floors were parquet, the countertops granite, the lights recessed and on dimmers. The sixty windows that needed to be professionally cleaned four times a year were trimmed in white wood to match the crown moldings.
She lived a mile away from Summit’s Main Street, and five minutes drive from the upscale Mall at Short Hills, with Saks, Bloomies, Nordstrom, Neiman Marcus and Macy’s. It had valet parking, sushi and cappuccino, a glass ceiling, and every store worth shopping in.
The children, who were once little and required all her time, were now older and required slightly more. Emily had been the perfect child at eleven, playing championship volleyball and all-state cello, but now at nearly fourteen was exhibiting three of the five signs of demonic possession. The flying off the handle at absolutely nothing. You couldn’t say
anything
to her without her interpreting it the wrong way and bursting into tears. The taking of great offense at
everything
. The disagreeing with
everything
. She had become so transparent that recently Larissa had started asking her the exact opposite of what she wanted. “Wear a jacket, it’s freezing out.” “No, I’m fine. It’s not that cold,
Mom
.” “Em, don’t wear a coat today, it’s supposed to be warm.” “Are you kidding me? You want me to
freeze
to death?”
Michelangelo had manifest gifts of artistic ability. A note from his first grade art teacher read:
I think he is showing real
promise
. He drew a donkey in geometric shapes, even the tail. Kandinsky by a six-year-old. Or was it just his name that fooled his parents into delusions of gifts? Che was wrong about him. He might not have
been
an angel, with his obdurate nature and single-minded pursuit of his own interests, but he sure
looked
like an angel, with his cherubic halo of blond curly hair and sweetest face.
No one was particularly sure what Asher did. Today he played guitar, yesterday took karate, tomorrow would run track. Or maybe not. Asher spent every day just being in it, and when it came to New Year’s resolutions he was the one who could never think of anything to write because he would say, “I don’t want to change anything. I have a perfect life.” He was the one who a month ago, at almost thirteen, refused to make a Christmas list because, as he chipperly put it, “I really don’t want that much.” He wanted one thing: an electric mini-scooter. If Larissa and Jared could have, they would’ve gotten him the scooter in every color available, black, lime, lilac and pink. Here, we couldn’t decide which color to get for you, have all four of them, Merry Christmas, darling. The blood of angels flowed through Asher’s veins.
He
should’ve been named Angel.
Jared maintained Asher resembled Larissa in temperament and looks. Larissa knew: only in looks. Emily, on the other hand, wanted nothing to do with being in any way like her mother, perming her hair, coloring it blue. Larissa was usually impeccably put together; Emily made a point of looking like hardcore indie Seattle grunge. Larissa didn’t play any musical instruments, Emily did. Larissa loved theater, Emily hated it. Larissa frowned for Emily’s sake, but shrugged for everyone else’s. If that’s rebellion, I’ll take it, she said. I’d rather blue hair than grandchildren.
Larissa wished Che could know her children. She missed Che. They grew up together in Piermont, had known each
other since they were three or four. Larissa loved Che’s mother, a funny little lady who smoked a ton and cooked great. They were always broke, but somehow Mrs. Cherengue found the money to ship Che’s dad’s body back to Manila. The mother and daughter flew to the Philippines for the funeral. That was
fifteen
years ago. Larissa was barely pregnant with Emily. She was devastated and sore for years. How could you leave me, Che? What about us living parallel lives? What about us seeing each other every day? What about our friendship?
But Che remained in Manila (“It feels a little bit like home, Lar, what can I say?”), and then her mother got sick and died. Larissa cried for months after she heard. Larissa’s own mother, Barbara Connelly, said, “I hope you’re going to cry like this when
I
kick the bucket.” That comment went pointedly unanswered.
Che had already met Lorenzo by the time her mother died. So now she lived in Paranaque, without her mother, hiring out her passionate protesting, waiting for Lorenzo to propose and give her a baby, not necessarily in that order.
Che came to her house one morning. I’m in trouble, Lar. I’m in deep deep trouble. Larissa was a senior, Che a junior. Seventeen, sixteen, going on too adult. I’m pregnant
.
No. Are you sure?
I’m positive
.
Oh, please no. Are you sure?
I’m completely positive. I’m two weeks late. I’m never late. What am I going to do?
Don’t worry. We’ll fix it. Whatever happens
.
No, you don’t understand
.
I do. It’s bad. But it’ll be okay
.
Lar, it’s the single worst thing that can happen to me. Honestly. What am I going to tell my mother? She’ll kill me
.
No. Your mother? Never. She’s a sweetheart. And why would you tell her?
Oh, Larissa. My family is not your family. I tell my mother things
.
No, not this. Especially not this
.
Well, what am I going to do? She’s going to have to know eventually
.
Why? I’m serious. Why will she have to know? We’ll go to Planned Parenthood. They’ll help us. You’ll see. Your mom will never have to know
.
Planned Parenthood costs money
.
Don’t worry. I’ll…I’ll help you. But we have to go there quick. Get a test
.
Lar, a test? And then what? I can’t have…I can’t do it. Don’t you understand? I’m not like you. I’m Catholic. I can’t do it
.
Well, what are you going to do? You gonna be Catholic, or you gonna be smart?
Why can’t I be both?
Choose, Che
.
I can’t. All I know is I can’t have this baby. But also, I can’t not have this baby
.
That’s what I’m saying. I’ll get the money together
.
How much you think it’s going to be?
Over three hundred dollars
.
Che cried. Where am I going to get that kind of money?
I’ll give it to you. I have it. I have it saved up
.
How am I going to pay you back?
Don’t worry
.
How did you save that much money?
Little by little. Dollar by dollar. Took me four years
.
Oh, Larissa
.
It’s okay. That’s what it’s for. I didn’t know what I was saving for. But I knew I would need it for something
.