A Shelter of Hope (42 page)

SIMONE SAT UNDER the shade of a large elm and stared at the idle, muddy waters of the Cottonwood River. Soon she would be needed in the dining room, but for these few cherished moments, she simply intended to enjoy the quiet of the day.

Overhead, cottonball clouds drifted lazily across the blue prairie skies, and Simone thought how perfect life seemed. It would be so easy to sit back and allow the rest of the world to go about its business without her. But in her heart Simone knew that God had other plans for her.

“I thought I might find you here,” Jeffery announced, coming up behind her.

Simone sighed. “And I figured you would eventually seek me out.”

“Try not to sound so enthusiastic,” Jeffery replied, sitting down on the dead brown grass of the riverbank.

“I’m sorry.” She glanced up to meet Jeffery’s face. “I’m not trying to be difficult.”

Jeffery smiled. “I’d say since I met you, you’ve been nothing but difficult.”

Simone shook her head and looked back at the river. “You’ve not been exactly the easiest company in the world to contend with.”

“You’ve had my undying devotion from the start.” His words were offered in a most serious manner. “In fact, I’ve come here now to speak my mind.”

“Don’t.”

The word was offered simply yet firmly, surprising Jeffery into silence. For several moments Simone thought—even prayed—that Jeffery might drop the subject and prepare for his departure. It wasn’t that she longed to see him return to Topeka, but she needed time to think things through, and with Jeffery continually popping up unannounced, considering matters for very long was impossible.

“I won’t be kept from speaking my mind,” Jeffery finally said. “I’ve come to care a great deal for you, Simone. I am quite determined to talk about our future together, and I think you know very well what I have in mind.”

Simone tried to make light of the matter and chuckled. “You are only trying to win your bet that I would marry before my contract time is up.”

Jeffery jumped to his feet. “Don’t laugh at me, Simone.”

She looked up at the hurt expression and knew she’d gone too far. Getting to her feet, Simone faced Jeffery. “I wasn’t laughing at you, Jeffery. I only wanted to make this situation easier to deal with. I’m so confused. Surely you can understand that.”

Jeffery reached out to take hold of her arms. “I only understand that I love you. That I hold you more dear than anything else in this world. I cannot bear that you might not return those feelings. Please tell me you feel something more than amusement for me.”

“Of course I feel something more,” Simone replied, refusing to elaborate. “You are a dear friend to me.”

“I don’t want to be just a friend.”

Simone turned sharply. “But you don’t understand. I never had a friend before coming to you in Chicago. At least not a male friend. My whole life has been filled with pain and misery. Even my mother’s love was stripped away from me at an early age. I’m not even sure I know how to be a friend in return. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Let me worry about that,” Jeffery replied, pulling her against him. “I want you for my wife.”

Simone felt her heart pound wildly as her breathing quickened. Jeffery’s eyes seemed to burn holes into her soul. It was as if he could clearly see all of her feelings, the worry and fear … the doubts.

“Please try to understand,” she murmured. “I’ve only come to know what it is to be free. I don’t know how to give my feelings. I don’t even know for sure what those feelings are.”

“Then let me help you understand them.”

He reached up to gently touch her hair. His fingers trailed down to her cheek, and Simone closed her eyes to keep from betraying her emotions. Tears came to her eyes, and when they escaped her tightly closed lids and trickled down her cheeks, Jeffery’s fingers stopped their motion. Simone opened her eyes to meet Jeffery’s confused expression.

“This is very difficult for me. For so long I truly believed that hope was nonexistent. I had no hope, no faith—and to trust others was unthinkable.” Simone looked at him, praying that he might understand. “I have hope again. I know what it is to look forward to tomorrow. And after a lifetime of fear, I’m just coming to understand that I can trust people and not pay for it with my life.

“But I have to seek what God wants me to do,” she whispered. “I’ve only just allowed myself to listen to Him again. I can’t and won’t make choices without paying the strictest attention to what He wants for me. I’ve isolated myself from everyone and everything for so long, and now you want me to just forget my past and head into a new, joyful future. And, Jeffery, I can’t do that.”

Jeffery released her and stepped back. “I see.” His voice was flat, almost harsh.

“No, you don’t see,” Simone replied. “Most of my life people have betrayed me in one manner or another. That isn’t something you just up and decide doesn’t matter anymore.”

He stared at her, as if longing to say something that would change her mind, but instead he remained silent. The sorrow and disappointment in his expression were almost more than Simone could bear. Stepping forward, she gently put her hand on his cheek.

“Please try to understand what I’m saying. It isn’t you—it’s me. I don’t know who I am or what I’m supposed to do. I don’t know what to feel or think. I need time to know my heart.”

“I think you already know your heart,” Jeffery replied. “I think you know it, but you’re too afraid to trust your feelings, and—” He paused to make certain she was listening. “You’re too afraid to trust me.”

“It isn’t that simple.”

“Oh no?” he questioned, pulling her back against him. He lowered his mouth to hers and kissed her with a fiery passion that left Simone stunned and unable to speak when he finally let her go.

“I think you’re trying to make this harder than it has to be. I’m leaving for Topeka in a few hours. You have a job there if you want it, and you have me there—at least for a short time. The choice is yours.”

He didn’t wait for an answer but instead turned and walked back toward town. Simone watched him go. A part of her longed to call out after him, while another equally determined part refused to allow her a single word.

He’s leaving. He’s going away and I could stop him
. Unlike the others in her life, Simone knew with confidence that if she but issued the request, Jeffery would turn in his tracks and return to her. But she didn’t stop him. Not then, nor two hours later when the passenger train bound for Emporia and Topeka pulled away from the Florence depot.

“Are you going back to Topeka?” Una asked her later that night.

Simone sat brushing her long ebony hair, and with each stroke she considered her plight. “I don’t know. Rachel sent me a telegram and begged me to return. She told me how lonely she’d been since I’d come to Florence. But I just don’t know what to do.” She put her brush on the nightstand and sighed. “I wish the answers were easy and clear.”

Una smiled. “I think they’re more clear than you realize. But I think, too, that you’re scared. You’re afraid to feel things for folks, especially someone like Mr. O’Donnell, no?”

Simone nodded. “I’m very much afraid. I mean, I know I don’t have to worry about the things I lived with in the past. It would seem very few people act like Louis Dumas and Garvey Davis. There are geniunely good people in this world, and I want to believe that I’ll never have to contend with those who are less than honest. But, Una, I’m afraid my ignorance will be the ruin of me.”

“God understands your fears, Simone. He knows about them even before you take them to Him.”

“I thought I’d been through the worst possible of fears,” Simone admitted. “My life had so much to be afraid of. But this … this is something so completely overwhelming. My head hurts from thinking so long and hard about it.”

“Is it so bad to accept that you care for him? That you have love for him?”

Simone shook her head. “It’s not bad to accept the idea, but it’s what to do with it after that.”

Una sat down beside Simone. “God will guide your steps, but you can’t move ahead unless you are willing to step out in faith that He will be there.”

“It’s so hard.”

“Ja. Nothing good ever comes easy.”

“Have you ever been in love, Una?”

The blond-haired girl shook her head. “No. I’ve been too busy. My moder needed me to work at her side, and when I left home to work for Mr. Harvey, I was too busy with my job to think about such things.” She grinned and added, “However, there is a nice man here in town who has asked me to come with him to the opera. Imagine me at the opera!”

Simone smiled. “Are you going?”

Una shrugged her shoulders. “Don’t know yet. I told him I’d think on it.”

“I think you should go,” Simone replied conspiratorially. “I think you’d have a great time.”

“I think you should go to Topeka,” Una countered. “You can’t just keep running away from your problems. Sooner or later you’re going to have to stand up to them face-to-face.”

Simone realized the truth in her words. “I’d not thought about it as running away. I suppose it is just one more way I’ve avoided dealing with my feelings.”

Una nodded. “Ja, I think so.”

“It’s just that …” Simone paused and shuddered. How could she explain all the things that came to mind whenever she considered a future with Jeffery? She knew it was foolish, but awful thoughts came to mind when she thought about becoming anyone’s wife.

Una took hold of her hand. “What is it?”

“I’m just so afraid, Una. When Jeffery kisses me I feel all weak and overwhelmed. I can hardly even speak. Then I think about what he really wants from me. How he wants me for his wife and what all that means. I think back to my mother and father and the horror and ugliness that existed between them. They fought constantly and the pain my mother suffered—”

“You don’t think for one minute that Jeffery would treat you that way, do you?” Una interrupted.

Simone met Una’s expression of disbelief. “I don’t know what to think. I can’t imagine that my father—and for all purposes he was the only father I knew—I can’t imagine that he was cruel in the beginning. Otherwise my mother would never have married him. He probably acted in some charming way, assuring her that he was good and kind. He probably bought her gifts and showed her a wonderful time. Why else would my mother have ever agreed to marry him?”

“You told me your mother was already expecting you. Maybe she was desperate to be away from her parents and took up with the first man who offered her an honorable solution. Maybe he had his obvious faults even then, and she didn’t care. Or if she cared, maybe what she had to contend with in dealing with her folks was worse than what your father had in mind for her.”

“I’d never thought of it that way,” Simone replied.

“I don’t think you should judge your own situation on what happened with them, Simone. My parents have been happily married for over thirty-five years. They’ve shared many good times and a few bad times, but they have never treated each other with anything but love and respect. Marriage can be a real blessing when the right people are joined together.”

“But what if Jeffery and I aren’t meant to be together? What if his interest has only been stimulated by the mystery surrounding my life? What if we married and found ourselves totally wrong together?”

Una seemed unconcerned. “I can’t help but think Jeffery would understand all of this, if you would just tell him how you feel. He is, after all, a reasonable and intelligent man. Just tell him your fears—tell him the truth.”

Simone bit at her lower lip. “He deserves that much and more. But I need time.”

Una patted her lovingly. “He doesn’t seem the type to let a good thing get away from him based on impatience. Give him a reason to wait, and I think you’ll find him most cooperative.”

“But what if he’s not the right one for me? I mean, just because his kisses leave me weak is hardly a reason to plan a wedding.”

“True enough, but I think there is so much more. You trust Jeffery, don’t you?”

“Yes,” Simone admitted. “I trust him.”

“Then that’s the very best place to start. You have something special in that trust. You know he will keep your secrets, and that no matter how ill the rest of the world thinks about you, Jeffery will think only the best. He’s proven it to be so.”

“I suppose you’re right in that.”

“Pray about it. Take it to God, then listen to your heart. Trust Jeffery to understand. Be honest with him, and I think you’d be surprised by his reaction.”

“But he wants a wife now, and I know I can’t be that for him. Not yet.”

“Then tell him that,” Una urged. “You have nothing to lose.”

“Nothing but his friendship.”

“If he withdraws his friendship because you were honest, then he wasn’t much of a friend at all.” Una stood and looked at Simone. “But I think he will stand by you. I think friendship is important to him as well as to you. I think Mr. O’Donnell will do whatever he must in order to keep you close to him.”

“I suppose I should go back to Topeka,” Simone said flatly.

“It would be the best way to deal with the matter and maintain your job with Fred Harvey’s company. Besides, Jeffery will be returning to Chicago. You heard yourself from Miss Taylor that he made far more trips to Topeka than he used to. There’s bound to be times when he has to be away in order to properly do his job.”