Read A Royal Mess Online

Authors: Tyne O'Connell

A Royal Mess

A Royal




Title Page
ONE Doing the KR with My Posse
TWO ’Rental Meltdown
THREE The Fascism of Creative Endeavours
FOUR Bell End Goes Double Bonkers!
FIVE My Knickers Were in a Right Twist
SIX Be Warned! Life’s NOT All Nicey-Nicey
SEVEN My Tragic Fan Club
EIGHT She Who Would Valiant Be
NINE Even Toxic Psycho Toffs Can Talk Sense, Occasionally
TEN Royal Collision in Windsor
ELEVEN The Risk of Taking Your Soft Toys Too Seriously
TWELVE Scaling the Battlements of Eades
THIRTEEN You’ve Got to Know When to Neck It and Know When to Leg It
FOURTEEN Matron’s Remedy for Hiccups
FIFTEEN The Quality of Mercy Is Not Strained – It’s Drained
SIXTEEN The Extreme Trauma of Privilege
SEVENTEEN Bell End’s Sacred Sabre
EIGHTEEN The Return of Octavia
NINETEEN It’s Your Love Life or Your Life!
TWENTY Saint Augustine’s Fencing Army Engages the Enemy
TWENTY-ONE Pulling Princes
TWENTY-TWO Sarah’s Car of Shame
TWENTY-THREE The Clapham Commoners
TWENTY-FOUR Bob’s Big Bombshell
TWENTY-SIX And Just as They Were Bringing in My Crown!
ONE Sound the Alert! Americans Are Storming the Castle!
TWO The Collision of Parental Culture Shock
THREE The Most Spectacular Fib
FOUR Witness to Madness
FIVE H to the O to the N to the E to the Y
SIX Bohemian Rhapsody in the Dorm
SEVEN Operation Dumping Boys
EIGHT In Defence of the Realm
NINE Enterprising Initiatives
TEN Peace, Love and Buddhist Security
ELEVEN Not Fair Was Made to Fare
TWELVE Buddhist Security Alert
THIRTEEN The Sword of Damocles
FOURTEEN When Good Fantasies Go Bad
FIFTEEN Pi-Squared Shockarama
SIXTEEN Bonkeratus, Bonkeratum, Bonkerama
SEVENTEEN The Mechanics of The Counter Dump
EIGHTEEN It Was All Très, Très, Très Befuddling
NINETEEN Snoozely Woozely Does It
TWENTY My Style Statement Depended on the Whims of a Psycho Toff
TWENTY-ONE Lights-Camera-Action, Your Majesty
TWENTY-TWO When Good Plans Go Bad
TWENTY-THREE The Drowning Dreams of a Teenage Egoist
TWENTY-FOUR A Severe Attack of the Mea Culpas
TWENTY-FIVE Sic Transit Gloria Mundi
TWENTY-SIX The Insubordination of The Commodore
TWENTY-SEVEN Discothèque Pazzo
TWENTY-EIGHT Developing My Aptitude in Matters of La Dolce Vita
TWENTY-NINE The City of Amore and Melodramas!
THIRTY He Made It Seem Like the Most Sensible Thing in the World…
THIRTY-ONE The End of the Beginning and the Beginning of the End
THIRTY-TWO The Italian Duckling Job
THIRTY-THREE Aren’t the Maddest Ideas Always the Best?
THIRTY-FOUR You’re No One Until Someone Wants to Sell Stories about You to the Press
THIRTY-FIVE In Each Letter, a Heart Beats
THIRTY-SIX Pulling the Past in Pullers’ Woods
Calypso’s fencing terms and English words
Author’s Note

Dueling Princes

To my daughter and muse, Her Royal Stunningness, Cordelia O’Connell, and my son, the most distressingly fit boy to ever wield a sabre, Zad Santospirito. I kiss my blade and salute you both.

Dumping Princes

To my muses, Her Royal Magnifiqueness, the stylish Cordelia O’Connell, and my worshipfully clever Santospirito sons, Zad and Kajj, who brought Italy and Windsor to life for me.


• • •

If I were the only girl in the world, and you were the only prince … (ribbit)!

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