A Reason to Rebel (11 page)

To be so comprehensively loved simply for oneself was a gift that she was never likely to experience firsthand. To live the feeling vicariously through her brief contemplation of this painting was a temptation too great to resist. She understood at that moment why Alex kept it here rather than on display with the other, more formal family portraits in the main gallery upstairs. It must catch his eye every time he glanced up, giving him pleasure and acting as a reminder that the future of the Crawley dynasty now rested in his hands.

Hearing the sound of the front door opening jolted Estelle from her reverie. Her father must be leaving and Lord Crawley would return to this room as soon as he was gone. Without hesitation she opened the door to the hall and peered cautiously round it. Finding the vestibule temporarily deserted she slipped up the stairs without being seen.

Gaining her own chamber, Estelle flopped onto the sofa in the window embrasure and contemplated her situation. She battled to regain both her breath and composure. Even the slightest exertion still fatigued her. She was safe from Lord Crawley and his very natural questions if she remained in here, where he could hardly beard her.

But once she ventured downstairs again, he was bound to seek her out and demand answers. That being the case, she would use her illness as an excuse not to show herself. That would be considered natural enough after all her recent unaccustomed activity and Lady Crawley would immediately take her side.

Estelle suppressed the guilt she felt at playing upon that lady’s sensibilities, pushing it to the back of her mind as she tried to decide what best to do. Never had she felt the need for Susanna’s advice more. And Marianne’s too. She would listen to it this time and take it to heart. But Susanna and Marianne were not here and could not help her when she needed them most. No one could. She was on her own.

And so, what to do?
Think, Estelle, think
.

She gathered some of her things together and threw them haphazardly towards her portmanteau, a plan forming in her mind. She would plead fatigue as her excuse for not appearing at dinner and then, when the household had settled down for the night, she would slip out. And away.

She paused in her efforts to pack. She would have to leave most of her possessions behind. Getting out of the locked house undetected would be difficult enough. Attempting to do it whilst toting a heavy bag and then walking as far as the village to catch the mail coach first thing in the morning would be impossible. She would just have to take the bare essentials in her small valise and make do as best she could.

But where would she catch the coach to? Where did it go to from here? She had a vague idea about getting to Ramsgate and quizzing Marianne’s suitor about her whereabouts. She checked her reticule. She had barely enough money to pay for the journey and a night or two’s lodgings. If she did not find Marianne or Matthew immediately then how would she live? Questions without answers flooded her mind. Were it not for the fact that she had already taken shocking advantage of Lady Crawley’s good nature and been caught out in deception by her son, she would be tempted to bide her time here in this lovely house that so soothed her jaded spirit for just a little longer.

A light tap sounded at her door.

“Come in.” She straightened up, expecting the maid to be bringing her afternoon tea. “Oh!” A hand flew to her mouth when she saw Lord Crawley on the threshold. “What do you want?” Her nervousness made her forget her manners. “You cannot come in here.”

His only answer was to step into the room and close the door behind him. He looked at the contents of her wardrobe scattered across the bed and raised a brow.

“Going somewhere?”

“I, er, I…that is to say—”

“Miss Tilling, or should I say Mrs. Travis?”

“I do not know what you mean.”

“I sent him away,” he said softly. “He will not get past the gates again. I have given instructions to that effect, so you have nothing more to fear.”

She turned away from him lest he read the overwhelming gratitude in eyes that were swimming with tears. He had not asked for her side of the story but could not doubt that she had sought to deceive him. Her continued presence in his house would only visit troubles upon him but he had still taken her part. No one had ever displayed such faith in her before, other than Susanna, and finding an unlikely defender in this handsome stranger made her feel weak with gratitude.

“Tell me about it?” He leaned against the closed door and folded his arms.

Estelle’s head was spinning, a fact attributable as much to his presence as to her difficulties. She was acutely aware of his commanding presence and was in danger of being overwhelmed by his kindly expression. His desire to be of service to her only increased her giddiness. This room, which had once seemed so commodious, now felt crowded as he prowled around it, covering the distance between them with lithesome grace. He stopped a foot or two short of her position by the window.

She wanted to fling herself at his feet and beg him to protect her from her brute of a father. She longed to make him understand why she could no longer do her duty by an authoritative parent who was blind to her finer feelings.

But she knew she would not behave thus. This was her battle and she must somehow find the strength to fight it alone.

“I do not understand your meaning, sir,” she said, unable to meet his eye. “But I do know that it is not at all seemly for us to be alone in this bedchamber.”

“You found the passage to my study, presumably?” She nodded. “I was hoping you would. The other branch leads to the cellar and through a trapdoor directly to the stables. Very useful it is too.”

“Why was it constructed?” She had no real interest in knowing but needed to divert his attention away from her own situation.

“Some dissolute ancestor, wishing to enter and leave the house unobserved, I have always surmised.” He smiled. “In any event, most of these old houses have something of that nature. Very useful for secret trysts, plotting against the monarchy, that sort of thing.”

“I suppose so.” Estelle’s gaze was focused on the orchards below as her mind continued to whirl. He was being so kind to her, doing so much to put her at her ease. She felt ashamed of the trouble she was causing him and could not bring herself to look in his direction.

“Come, Estelle.” He whispered her name in a voice loaded with such gentle compassion it was as though she was hearing it for the first time. His somnolent smile was full of persuasive charm. His eyes locked upon hers and caused her resolve not to confide in him to falter. “Tell me what I can do to be of service to you.”

“There is nothing. I—”

“You have no reason to be afraid of me.” He brushed her shoulder with a gossamer touch that set her senses reeling. “You will find that I am a very sympathetic listener, one who is not easily shocked. Besides, unless I mistake the matter, you are of age and can do precisely as you please.”

“It is not that.” She swirled away from the window, frowning as she placed distance between them. Her mind had a tendency to become addled when he stood too close to her, preventing her from thinking straight. But she knew better than to give way to temptation and lean upon him just because he was being gallant. “It is something I have to work out for myself.”

“You may depend upon my discretion. You and I understand the ways of the world, I think. After all, you can hardly lay claim to being a skittish miss, not if half the things that posturing brute claimed are to be believed.”

Estelle let out a gasp of betrayal. She had almost given in to his gallantry and shared her troubles with him. How could she have been such a simpleton? She should have known better than to imagine that he was really on her side. He now knew she had been married and intended to take shameful advantage of her.

He was no different than Mr. Travis’s awful son, and others too, who had seen her married to a man so much older than herself and thought she would welcome their advances. By refusing her stepson’s overtures with contemptuous disregard for his pride, she had made an enemy of him, which was partly responsible for her current difficulties.

And now history appeared to be repeating itself. She would not offer herself to Lord Crawley and would very soon find herself homeless again as a consequence.

“Please leave,” she said.

“I only wish to be of service to you.”

Estelle could easily imagine the service he had in mind. “I do not require anyone’s assistance.”

“Oh, but I think you do.” A flicker of understanding passed across his face and his expression hardened. “I cannot imagine what you think I have in mind but I suspect you have misinterpreted my intentions.” He threw her shawl on the bed and turned towards the door. “Winthrop was most interested to observe this garment in the drawing room,” he said, closing the door softly behind him.

Estelle wanted to weep with frustration, even as she wondered why she was so disappointed to discover that Lord Crawley was no different than all the rest of his gender. Despite his pretence at an innocent reason for wishing to assist her, she knew better than to believe him. She had seen the look in his eye when he called her by her name, had seen the same hunger in the eyes of too many other men since the time of her marriage to mistake its meaning. She knew what he would expect in return for aiding her and, in spite of the fact that she had no one else to turn to, she was not prepared to oblige him. She had finally had enough of being exploited.

Lady Crawley would most likely seek her out upon her return. The notion helped Estelle to banish her introspective thoughts. She hid her efforts at packing and reclined upon her bed, which is how that lady discovered her not half an hour later.

“My dear, you look worn out. I am afraid you have overexerted yourself.”

Estelle was overwhelmed, once again, by Lady Crawley’s concern for her welfare. It was clear that her son had not yet revealed her true identity—presumably because he was unaware of her return. Estelle could not but wonder how much distress she would be responsible for causing when it did become known. She stifled a sigh and would have given much to make it otherwise.

“Yes.” Estelle sat up and managed a weak smile for her hostess’s benefit. “I fear your wonderful harp proved to be too much of a temptation and I played for longer than I ought. I completely lost track of time.”

“Yes, my dear, Alex mentioned to me when I came in just now that your beautiful music has been filling the house for most of the afternoon.”

“Oh, did Lord Crawley say that?”

Estelle was now very confused. So he had spoken to his mother but had not chosen to mention Estelle’s deception. Why? Presumably to protect his mother’s finer feelings. Or did he hope that by remaining silent she would feel obliged to warm his bed through a sense of gratitude?

“I have asked for tea to be sent up here,” said Lady Crawley. “We can be quite comfortable and you need not exert yourself. And then, my dear, I do think it would be advisable if you remained in your chamber this evening and recovered your strength.” She patted Estelle’s hand. “You are looking altogether too pale and I blame myself for that. I should have known that harp would be your undoing. I would not have been able to resist it either, had I been in your position.”

Estelle smiled and thanked Lady Crawley. She felt more dispirited by the minute for deceiving her but did not scruple to obey. She had known the dictate would be issued the moment the viscountess saw she had taken to her bed.

“Lady Jacobs is to hold a house party in two days’ time,” said Lady Crawley, once tea and a delicate selection of cakes had been delivered and the maid had left them alone. “She reminded me about it this afternoon. Dear Miss Jenkins will be there too, of course. Alex and I are expected and although I said we would attend, I do not now see how I can go. I cannot possibly leave you when you are so unwell, although I daresay Alex will still wish to form part of the party.”

“Oh no, Lady Crawley, you must go. I insist!” How much more guilt would this charming lady unwittingly heap upon her already overburdened shoulders? Estelle did not think she could bear it. “I would not for the world have you miss the entertainment because of me. Besides, I daresay you would not wish to miss an opportunity to further Lord Crawley’s intimacy with Miss Jenkins. House parties are ideal situations for matchmaking, are they not?”

“Oh dear me, yes, there is that. Lady Jacobs and I referred to the matter just this afternoon. We both have such high hopes in that regard and Miss Jenkins herself is, I believe, not averse to the notion. It does seem like too good an opportunity to pass up. Dear Miss Jenkins was looking quite pretty today. I wish Alex could have seen her in her pink dimity. Oh dear, I really do not know what it would be best to do.”