A Promise for Tomorrow (40 page)
“In turn, when you rode the locomotive and sought masculine studies, I feared that someone would see this as an error in your upbringing. I told you then how concerned I was that no respectable young man would seek you in marriage, but in truth, I felt a vast anxiety over whether or not my friends were speaking badly of me behind my back.”
Carolina watched her mother absentmindedly smooth the material of her woolen skirt. It seemed odd to hear this confession after so many years had been lost to them.
“Perhaps I recognized it then for what it was, but I never allowed it to change me,” Margaret admitted. “Remember the talk we had not long before your sixteenth birthday? I told you not to let fear keep you from living your life.”
“I do,” Carolina said, nodding. She remembered the talk as though it had only been yesterday. “You also told me that going my own way was more than having my own way.”
Margaret smiled. “Yes, and that the truth God put inside you— the one that made you who you were, who you would become—was one that only you could know. It’s no different now. Turning to God and reflecting on the Bible’s teachings will help you see that truth for yourself, but you must remember, Victoria has God’s truth inside of her, as well. Yes, she is very young. But that is fleeting. If she sees in you the ability to turn to God, even when things seem displaced and out of control, it will affect her more profoundly than any lecture. By being true to God, you can in turn be true to her. You can express your concerns for her, but turn your fears over to God and allow Victoria to begin finding the truth inside herself.”
“You make it sound so simple.”
“Oh, but it isn’t,” Margaret laughed. “And I would never tell anyone that it is. After all, this is a child you love. A child you have fought to keep from death’s grip and life’s hardships. This is a child for whom you would gladly give your life and fight to the death anyone who threatened to harm her. That kind of love is never simple. But let me share something else with you.” Margaret leaned forward once again and this time reached out to touch Carolina’s cheek. “Fear only kills love, and fear is not from God. The Bible says, ‘For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.’ ”
She paused for several moments, her expression changing as she considered her next words. Carolina cherished the moment, knowing that her mother was reaching down into the depths of her own heart and soul to bear her weaknesses before her child. Somehow it humbled Carolina in a way that she could not explain, and her heart swelled with love so deep for this woman—her mother—that all else seemed dwarfed in importance.
“When I went to the hospital,” Margaret began, “I was lost in my fear and suffering. I felt a bitterness toward your father for not having been at my side when our children fell ill. I felt a hatred toward the weakness and frailty of our human bodies, and I knew a deep abiding anger at God.” Her eyes grew damp with tears. “I wanted no more of life because it seemed only to offer me death and suffering. I said to myself, ‘If this is what living a godly life produces, then I want no more of it or of God.’ But down deep inside, I knew it wasn’t true. I knew it wasn’t my heart’s desire to turn my back on God, but my pain was so fierce and my fears were so overpowering.
“As time went on, I only wanted to push away those people who loved me. I didn’t want to feel love or to love because that would only serve to make me vulnerable. I lay in my hospital bed, praying to die but believing that as some great joke of God’s, I would live. My dear nurse, Esther, refused to allow me to bury myself in selfishness and sorrow. She read to me daily from the Bible, and she prayed for me when I could not and would not pray for myself. And always she left me with this verse I just quoted to you.
“Then one day she explained to me that if God had not given me this spirit of fear, I should examine the situation and recognize who was responsible. God was offering me power, love, and a sound mind, but only Satan stood to benefit from my fears—fears that rendered me helpless and useless, fears that drove me from my family and loved ones.” Margaret gently stroked Carolina’s cheek, then cupped her chin as though Carolina were a small child unable to focus. “I tell you again, my dearest daughter, do not let fear keep you from living your life. And I add, do not let it keep you from allowing your children to live their lives, as well. We can lock them away and secure them from all that might render them harm, but in the process we have hurt them even more. Protection is one thing, but isolation is another. They are human beings entrusted to us by God. We raise them for a time, teach them the truths we hold, and then, often uncomfortably, we must stand aside and allow them to think and plan for themselves. It isn’t easy, and I certainly do not imply that you ever stop praying for them, but letting go is necessary for both their coming of age and yours.”
It was indeed fear within her that made Carolina fret over Victoria. Perhaps it was even fear that kept her miserably discontented with her homelife. If she remained unhappily behind the garden wall because she was afraid to climb over and test what lay beyond, it was hardly anyone’s fault but her own.
“Oh, Mama,” she said and embraced her mother eagerly, “I want so much to grow up to be like you.”
“Hopefully, you will be spared the years of a not-so-sound mind,” Margaret said. Tears coursed down her cheeks, and Carolina’s vision blurred with tears of her own. “I’d like to think that I went through my difficulties in order that my children might learn and be spared the same misery.”
Carolina felt hope surge anew. She wiped at her tears and smiled. “Mama, I’m so happy to have had this time with you. I shall miss you so much when I go away again.”
“But your home is in Greigsville,” her mother said matter-of-factly.
“Yes,” Carolina agreed. “And I miss it more than I had ever thought possible. Shortly before I left, I was fairly miserable and unhappy. I felt confused and homesick, and yet my home was there all along. Maybe I’ve just been too afraid to live the life God has given me.”
Margaret nodded. “Perhaps so. Sometimes we let things creep in upon us without noticing them. But if you had never stepped out in faith, you wouldn’t even have Victoria. Much less James and Brenton and Jordana.”
Carolina smiled conspiratorially and leaned closer to her mother. “Or the baby I’m carrying now,” she whispered.
“What? But why have you said nothing until now?” her mother replied with a look of sheer joy.
“Well, I suppose because I’m only now really certain of my condition, and then, too, with Virginia’s pregnancy ending so tragically, I didn’t want to make my joy any more painful for her.”
“Well, this is delightful news,” Margaret said, embracing Carolina. “Have you told your father?”
“No,” she answered. “I wanted you to be the first to know.
Somehow it just seemed right.”
“I’m so glad,” Margaret said, mirth edging her voice. “We should celebrate this evening.”
“No,” Carolina said, shaking her head. “I don’t plan to tell the children until after I’ve told James. Perhaps we could just have a lovely farewell dinner, and you and Papa will know the heart of the matter for yourselves.”
“I understand.” They rose together and held hands for a moment before Margaret broke the silence to add, “God bless you, my dearest. You will never be far from Him, for my prayers will be uttered constantly on your behalf. There is power in the prayer of a friend for another, perhaps even more so in the prayer of a mother for her child. Never forget that power.”
“I won’t,” Carolina said, knowing the truth of what her mother had said. “I promise you, I won’t.”
“I’m so grateful the weather has remained fair,” Carolina told Miriam as the locomotive slowed. They were approaching Cumberland, and Carolina strained to look out the window, anxious to catch a glimpse of her husband.
“Will Papa and Kiernan be at the station waiting for us?” Victoria asked in animated fashion. She smoothed her mulberry wool gown and added, “I want to show them my new dress.”
Carolina smiled. She had hit upon a brilliant scheme in her final days at Oakbridge. Taking Victoria to the attic, they had managed to locate a trunk of Carolina’s old gowns, and in turn had taken these to the sewing house to be remade for Victoria. The entire affair had proven to be a success. Victoria was pleased with the new array of gowns, as was Carolina. It seemed a perfect solution given their limited time.
“I ’magin’ yo’ papa will be there, Miz Victoria,” Miriam told her, smiling broadly.
“I can’t see him missing it,” Carolina admitted. Then seeing the concerned perplexity of Victoria’s expression, she added, “Nor Kiernan.”
Victoria beamed a smile and resumed her vigilance at the window. Carolina tried to still her own excitement. The holidays were nearly upon them, and spending them together in their own home would be such a joy. She tried to imagine how they would decorate things and what they might dream up in the way of special treats and goodies. Carolina had managed to do some early Christmas shopping on the trip. And Naomi had overseen the packing and crating of several hundred jars of apple, plum, peach, and berry preserves and jellies, as well as fruit for pies and cobblers. Carolina had thought of the store in Greigsville and what a treat it would be for the locals to experience this wealth of treasures from Oakbridge.
“We’re here,” Brenton said excitedly as the train finally came to a stop.
“Where’s Papa?” Jordana asked, squirming down from Miriam’s lap to join her sister at the window.
“I’m sure he’s there somewhere,” Carolina commented. Only one more leg of the journey and she would be home, she thought contentedly. They would spend the night in Cumberland; then in the morning they would make their way by stage to Greigsville. And through it all, she would have James.
A commotion outside their window caused Victoria to sit back with a start. “Kiernan’s brother Red is out there arguing with someone.”
Carolina glanced out and saw a gathering of about fifty men. Sure enough, Red O’Connor was in the middle of the entourage. He was speaking in loud, angry tones, but Carolina found it impossible to make out the words over the sounds of the train.
“I suppose the Irish trouble is still with us,” she murmured and gathered up her children. “Let’s stay very close together.”
“If Red is here,” Victoria stated, “then Kiernan probably is, too.”
“And no doubt your father is, as well, Victoria. We will seek him out first. The others are probably here on his behalf.”
Victoria nodded and followed her mother.
Carolina was assisted from the railcar by a porter and waited in turn for her children and Miriam to be helped down. Jordana, cantankerous from the long journey, put her hands over her ears and protested the noise of the arguing men and of the locomotive whistle and bells.
“Too loud!” she said over and over.
Miriam picked her up and patted her sympathetically while Victoria and Brenton joined hands and huddled near their mother. Carolina looked around for James but saw nothing of her husband. She moved away from the train, glancing first up one side of the platform and then down the other.
He wasn’t there. Disappointment washed over her, and when the protests of the nearby Irish immigrants increased in volume, Carolina suddenly feared for her little family.
“Everyone stay close,” she commanded.
“Where’s Papa?” asked Victoria, drawing Brenton even closer.
Carolina positioned herself so as to put Brenton between them. “I don’t know.” She continued to look for James even as she began to doubt the wisdom of lingering too long near the rowdy group of men. Soon the other passengers had hurried off in their various directions. A tingling sensation was edging up her spine as she suddenly realized that, with exception to the collection of arguing men, everyone else had deserted the area.
The sound of breaking glass caused Carolina and her family to press even closer to one another.
“Ya ought to just go back to Ireland where ya belong,” someone shouted. This was followed by several thudding sounds, and Carolina realized that rocks were being hurtled and some were hitting up against the railroad car.
Curses flew and accusations abounded as the argument reached a new height of intensity. “I say we hang ’em from the nearest tree,” another voice cried out.
“We have to get out of here,” Carolina told Miriam. She looked away from the growing crowd of men to see if the opposite direction might afford them an escape. But it looked no better. Even now another gang of laborers was making its way en masse toward the depot.
Red O’Connor caught sight of this at nearly the same moment Carolina did, and his shouts of displeasure rang out loud and clear. “And so here comes another pack of rats to chew at our bones.”
The protests of those Carolina presumed were Red’s Connaughtmen filled the air as vile cursing and threats rang out and tempers raged. Glancing back at the approaching gang, and then to Red and the crowd fixed in place to her right, Carolina suddenly realized her retreat was being cut off, with her and her family caught between the two warring groups.
“Dear God,” she breathed, “help us.”
“Mama, I’m scared,” Brenton said in a trembling voice.
“I am, too,” she told her son, then hugged him close. “Come on. Let’s move this way.” She pulled them along toward the depot, hoping and praying that somehow she could make her way through before the two sides rushed each other.
“Ya’ll be lettin’ our people go,” one of the approaching men called out. “Men of Cork, are ya with me?”
A rousing cheer rose up from the men, while an equally disturbing counter cheer filled the air when Red proclaimed that the only good Corkman was a dead one. As if to add credence to their declaration, several rocks were thrown at the rival group, narrowly missing Carolina and Victoria.
“These are bad men,” Jordana declared and hugged her arms around Miriam’s neck.
Carolina pushed Miriam ahead of her, pulling Victoria and Brenton behind her as she turned to shield her children from the approaching men. Behind Red, Carolina’s eyes caught sight of several mounted riders. The men carried muskets and were trying to make their way through the Connaughtmen. This only caused the crowd to surge forward, cutting off any chance of Carolina reaching the stationhouse.