A Passionate Endeavor (22 page)

“Charlotte, no!” he replied. “You have
twisted my words quite thoroughly.”

“Have I?”

“Yes. I would never classify you as a distant
relative.”

“Then what would be my role?”

“You would be my wife, and as such would have
the protection of my name.”

“Yes, this you already mentioned. So, I
suppose that after the wedding night, and required consummation, I
would be free to live my life however I choose?” she asked, then
rushed on, “But then, perhaps consummation would not be
required?”

His short hesitation was all Charlotte needed
to form another layer of protection for her fragile heart.

“I am not sure, but I believe consummation—a
one-time affair—would be required to legalize our wedding vows. If
we are careful, it is highly doubtful a child would be
conceived.”

“Ah .”

He pulled her into his arms. Try as she might
she could not raise her arms to resist his embrace. It felt so good
to be held. But she forced herself to remain stiff, her nose buried
in his neck cloth. She breathed in his warm, masculine scent. Her
resolve was so very weak, weaker than at any other time in her
life. She wanted him so very badly. She wanted the comfort of his
arms, his name, and more so, the possibility of seeing him— even if
only for short periods in her life. A little voice also reminded
her that she would never force him to remain by her side. It was
too much. She wasn’t sure she could refuse him, even when her pride
screamed no.

“Charlotte, please say yes. I promise to take
care of you. And I promise everything will be all right,” he said
quietly into her hair.

“All right… yes,” she whispered, desire
triumphing over pride. What was she saying? She had meant to say
the opposite.

He squeezed her. “I promise you will not come
to regret it.”

“I wish I could say the same to you, my
lord.”

“Do you think you might be able to call me
Nicholas? The occasion calls for it,” he said, pulling back to look
at her. A sudden wave of shyness engulfed her. “Yes, of course…
Nicholas.”

“Well, then, it is all settled. I am sorry
your circumstances will force you to marry me before the proper
amount of mourning time for your father has passed, Charlotte.” His
tone had changed from tender to efficient. “And of course, you will
still be able to wear mourning for a year or for as long as you
choose.”

Charlotte felt faint. This was all too fast,
too unreal. “How soon would we have to marry?”

“I am afraid it will have to be as soon as
your brother accepts his commission. I would not want you to have
to live alone in this cottage,” he said. “I arranged everything in
London a few days ago whither I went to discuss my future position
with the Military Secretary at the Horse Guards. I was also able to
purchase the commission, and arrange for a special license in
Canterbury.”

How mortifying. He had arranged for a special
license, knowing she would accept his offer—so sure was he in his
success. She swallowed her hurt. It was too late now. She had
agreed to marry a man who did not love her.

“You will inform your family, then?” “Yes.
They will be delighted to accept you into the family,” he said.
Charlotte remembered the painful scene between Nicholas and his
father when he had been near death, and felt a knot form in her
stomach. “Nicholas, please let there be a minimum of falsehoods
between us. I know I will not be welcomed. But, it does not matter.
We will not be living here. And at least Rosamunde will accept me
as a sister, I believe.”

“I would never tolerate any ill-behavior
toward my wife. But, forewarned is forearmed. And we will only stay
as long as my father desires me to remain near him, and to watch
over the beginnings of some agriculture and industry I have
approved on my holdings.”

Charlotte’s curiosity was piqued.

Nicholas told her about the adjacent land his
maternal grandparents had deeded to him and his projects. “While in
London, I hired a man, who is very knowledgeable about the brewing
process. Mr. Gunter helped to select a few key items and made
arrangements for possible future distribution points.”

After listening to all his other plans, she
replied, “Oh, this will mean so much to the Roberts family and so
many like them.”

“The land was going to waste. It was very
easy to help these poor people.”

“Don’t belittle your efforts. It will mean
the difference between slow starvation and a much better life for
the few who are involved,” she said with spirit. “And if you do
import the sheep, even more will benefit. I cannot bear to see such
poverty.”

“By opening some of the acres I own for
common land, it will also help ease this problem, I hope,” he
replied. “I only wish my father was here to see the good effects
this will cause.”

He squeezed her hand, his gaze warm and
sincere. “I am so sorry, Charlotte. He was the best of men. I felt
honored to know him.”

He had said exactly the right thing, unlike
so many others who had tried to console her. He was tugging at her
chin. Charlotte raised her head to face the deep green intensity of
his heavy-lidded eyes and prayed he would never know how much her
love for him consumed her. She would never allow him to feel the
heavy weight of her unrequited love. But his gaze moved to her
lips, and she closed her eyes, hoping he would kiss her.

Warm lips touched hers, enveloping her in a
sea of passion. She dared not breathe. He opened his mouth and his
tongue reached past her lips. She curled her tongue against his and
felt a spiraling sensation leap between her legs.

He would consummate the marriage. If only
that one time, she would know him fully. And he would be part of
her and she would be able to hold that memory with her for all
time. She would have to make it enough. And perhaps if she was
lucky, very lucky indeed, a force that had evaded her throughout
her life, her wedding night might give her a child. And she would
have a chance at reciprocated love.

She wished it would happen with Nicholas. She
wanted him with every ounce of her being. Her arms had somehow
found their way up around his immense shoulders, and she felt his
warm hands caressing her waist.

He broke off the kiss. “Perhaps I should be
on my way. I know you have much to do. Will you and your brother
accept an invitation to dine with my family tonight?” he asked. “I
will inform them all of our intentions before then.”

Charlotte closed her eyes for a moment. “I
suppose it would be best to face them all at once. Although I fear
the effect the news will have on your father. If he is very angry,
perhaps it would be better for me to put an end to any bedside
nursing. I could give Doro the tisanes and some instructions.”

“Let us take it one step at a time. This has
all been very overwhelming for you. Let us say no more until
tonight.”

“As you wish,” she replied.

He bent down and kissed her forehead one last
time before releasing her.

“
If a woman doubts as to whether she
should accept a man or not, she certainly ought to refuse him. If
she can hesitate as to “Yes,” she ought to say “No” directly. It is
not a state to be safely entered into with doubtful feelings, with
half a heart
.”

—Emma

WALKING back to the abbey, Nicholas wondered
if he had done the right and proper thing. It was clear that
Charlotte did not really want to marry him. If the doctor had not
died, Nicholas would be planning his departure as soon as his own
father and brewery venture would allow. He would have probably
never seen her again. She had only agreed to marry him because he
had used every logical argument to force the agreement.

She had blanched when he had mentioned
consummating the marriage. And he would not soon forget her wistful
questions: “I would be free to live my life however I choose?
Perhaps consummation would not be required?” At least he had not
had to face the embarrassment of explaining that he and his family
had decided long ago that the risk of any of Nicholas’s progeny
inheriting his great failing was too large a risk for the
successful continuation of the dukedom.

She had wanted to make sure that a coupling
would only have to occur once in their marriage. It would be as she
had suggested, a marriage of mutual respect such as one held for a
dear distant relative. That would have to be enough for him

And she would be safe from harm, never
dependent on the whim of an employer. Perhaps in time she would
grow to admire the set of skills he possessed: his organizational
capabilities, his cool head under fire, the loyalty he could
inspire in his men, and his willingness to give of himself.

But as his father had warned him, he would
never try to live up to the high set of intellectual standards she
would expect in a man she could truly respect and love, for it was
an impossible task that he was sure to fail.

He had yet to attempt to tackle his greatest
difficulty: the task of figuring numbers on paper. He had always
had the capacity to calculate long sums in his head, just as he had
been adept at music. He had confounded Rosamunde’s music teacher
and his stepmother by his ability to perfectly execute memorized
piano concertos. Her Grace had been horrified and had denied him
access to the music room, saying the playing of instruments was
reserved for young, unwed ladies.

That was when he had realized that he must
leave the abbey; he would never be of any value to his family. But
with perseverance he had regained his self-worth through servitude
to the Crown.

Nicholas was on the precipice of wishing he
could alter his fate. She would be worth it. Her love would be
worth it.

The consecutive private interviews she had
faced with the two male relatives in her life proved more trying
than expected. First Charlotte had had to endure the exuberant well
wishes of her overjoyed brother, who believed that it was a love
match on both sides. Then she had had to withstand the cynical
musings of Alexandre, who had dissected her betrothed.

“Ah Charlotte, it is a shame that he is a
cripple both mentally and well, perhaps less so, physically. You
deserve a `whole man,’ not someone you will have to nurse and read
to your entire life. But I suppose his title and his gold will go a
long way in erasing his faults,” Alexandre had said, after
receiving the news.

She was infuriated. “That is most unfair. You
know he is as fit as you or James. And as for—”

“Did his injury affect his ability to sire…”
He waved his hand loftily in the air, allowing her to guess his
vulgar question.

“Why, of course not. But I have not had
firsthand—oh, you are just teasing me now, I know your tricks,” she
said in annoyance.

“Well, I suppose if I cannot have you…”

“You never wanted me,
monvieux
.”

“You burst the illusion so heartlessly, my
love.”

“It is easy. It is too bad the ladies at the
abbey are not so well-used to your illusions,” she said, with a
knowing smile.

“But then it would not be nearly so amusing.
The petite Lady Susan, is she not deliciously delicate and
feminine? Albeit not a trace of intelligence in her attic,” he
said, with a sly smile. “Unlike you, my little bluestocking
cousine
. It is really too bad your father was not the miser
I made him out to be. I was so sure.… We could have returned to
Paris and cut quite a dash, as the English say.”

“Yes, well perhaps for a week or so. Then you
would have found
une petite amie
to try your charms on, and
I would have become a shrew.”

“My dear Charlotte, you think me very
fickle,” he said with a grin. “Do you think it would be de trop to
continue to bed Lady Susan’s delightful maid if I many Lady Susan
and her divine ten thousand a year?”

Charlotte shook her head, and could not stop
the tickle of a giggle in her throat. “Impossible. You are a rake
without boundaries, Cousin. You do not deserve my notice. If you
were not my cousin, I would give you the cut direct at every
opportunity,” she said, regaining a serious expression. “As it
stands, I can only beg you to never speak unkindly of my future
husband again.”

“I see how it will be. No joy in your
marriage, only duty and honor. How very English and boring. I would
expire within a week’s time.
Ma cousine
, I wish you joy, but
do not expect my attentions to change toward you just because you
have altered the rules somewhat. In my experience, married ladies
are adventuresome and quite enchanting!”

Charlotte sighed. Alexandre used his
flirtatious charm to hide the genuine familial bond he had finally
developed for her since arriving in Wiltshire. At least his verbal
jousting had forced her to sharpen the meager amount of wit she
possessed. It was a tool she would need to survive the ordeal of
facing the frosty overtures of the duke’s family.