Authors: Jennifer Faye
“Ella, are you listening to me?” Tony grabbed her upper arms and stared into her eyes. “I need you to keep it together. Okay?”
In the middle of the disaster, he still radiated a calm strength and determination. Her breathing slowed to a normal pace.
Continuing to stare into his dark pools of reassurance, she gathered her thoughts. “Yes. I’m fine.”
All four of us will live through this disaster
.
With Tony by her side, she could do this.
Tony glanced at his nephew. “How about you? Think you’re up for hiking out of here?”
Tilting up the helmet, Johnny stared up at him. “Yeah. Remember, I’m your little man.”
“You certainly are. Now we need to get moving before those winds pick up again.”
Tony took the lead and marched them toward the road. She kept a vigilant eye on Johnny, afraid he wouldn’t be able to keep up with the rapid pace. The rough terrain lacked any sort of path. Periodically, Tony would pause to help them over the large rocks and roots jutting out of the earth. Their progress was slower than she would have liked. She kept glancing over her shoulder, making sure the fire wasn’t hot on their heels. The terrain was scorched with puffs of smoke here and there.
Her breath came out in small huffs as she was not used to this much physical exertion. Still, the threat of the fierce fire had her putting one foot in front of the other. Her eyes burned and watered from the smoke. A quick glance at Johnny’s exhausted face told her she wasn’t the only one wearing out. Still, she kept moving, regardless of her exhaustion or her scratchy throat. Step after step, they marched along. Vigilantly, she looked over her shoulder to reassure herself the fire wasn’t catching up to them.
Tony paused and turned, still holding the basket with Patch. The man’s face was etched with exhaustion as he checked on Johnny. “You doing okay?”
Johnny nodded.
“Can I carry the puppy?” she offered, hoping to lighten Tony’s load as he still had his backpack strapped to him.
“How about we take a breather first?”
Her feet ached and her lungs burned. “Do you think it’s safe?”
“We’re far enough down the mountain to rest for a couple of minutes.”
They stopped next to a small boulder. She settled herself on the edge of the rock, relieved to get off of her feet. All around them was undisturbed vegetation. The fire hadn’t made it this far yet. With the wind blowing the other direction, the smoke has lessened.
Tony alerted command central that they were safe before easing off his backpack. He withdrew a bottle of water and handed it to Johnny. “Here. It's all I have so we'll have to share.”
She’d never seen anything that looked so good in her life, and she anxiously awaited her turn. When the bottle made it to her, she was tempted to chug the wet, refreshing liquid, but she refrained.
After she handed the bottle to Tony, she asked, “You wouldn’t happen to have a sandwich or two in that backpack, would you?”
He smiled. “Afraid not. But I did grab the dog leash.” Tony rested the basket on the ground. “Johnny, use the helmet as a water bowl for Patch. And then you can take him for a little walk. But make sure you stay within sight.”
Tony helped Johnny get out the excited puppy and hook up the leash. Ella sat quietly, observing the father-son relationship and yearning to be an official part of their family. Yet, she knew as long as she carried her secret, she could never have her greatest desire—a family of her own.
“Penny for your thoughts.” Tony took a seat next to her.
“With inflation, I don’t think you’ll get much for a penny these days.”
“You have a point. But seeing as I don’t have any cash on me, all I can offer you is a shoulder to lean on and a willing ear to listen.”
She glanced over at him. His intent stare pierced her with its depth. This was her chance to let him inside. She took a steadying breath. After today, she decided, she was strong enough to face just about anything.
“I was thinking about the past.”
He nodded in understanding. “I can’t even imagine what you must be feeling.”
Johnny knelt down to pet Patch. He was close enough to keep an eye on, but far enough away not to overhear their conversation.
Her insides quivered with nerves as she contemplated her next words. She swallowed hard, clearing the lump clogging her throat.
She had to do this.
She had to take a chance on Tony.
W
here did she start?
“It was winter in Ohio.” Ella’s thoughts drifted back to the most horrific period of her life. “I was just a kid.”
She laced her fingers together and squeezed them tight, mustering the courage to continue with her story. She could feel Tony’s gaze on her, but she couldn’t face him—not yet. Instead, she stared straight ahead at Johnny and the dog.
“The night was cold. Ice cold.” She hesitated. “I’m sure you don’t want to hear this. You have enough on your mind.”
“I want to hear whatever you have to say. That is, if you’re willing to trust me enough to tell me.”
She nodded. “We…we were very poor. They’d shut off our power that week. My mother had set up an old kerosene heater in the bedroom I shared with Timmy.” Ella sucked in a ragged breath. “My mother and I had a fight that night. She ordered me to bed. She told me not to get out of it. Only, I had a nightmare and, forgetting about the lack of power, I climbed out of bed, planning to go curl up on the couch to watch television until I fell back to sleep.”
The events stood out clearly in her mind. She wrung her hands, twisting her fingers so tight they hurt, but not as much as the memories. Anguish stiffened her muscles as she began to relive the nightmare that had held her prisoner for far too many years. Tony’s hand settled over hers. She took comfort in his sure, steady touch.
“I grabbed the blankets from my bed and dragged them along behind me. I tripped over something, and I heard some stuff fall.” Her voice wobbled as two teardrops rolled down her cheeks. “I couldn’t see anything in the pitch black, so I kept going. I…I thought it was some of my brother’s toys.”
“I was wrong. We should talk about this later.” Tony reached out and swiped away the tears with his thumb. “You shouldn’t have to relive this now. Not after what you’ve just been through—”
“Yes, I do. If I don’t, I might never have the courage.” She leaned out of his reach. She had to do this on her own. “Before the fire, during the fight with my mother, I told her I hated her.”
A small cry escaped her lips. She pushed a shaky hand to her mouth. Why had she said such a nasty, hurtful thing?
“I didn’t mean it. I was just angry and lashing out. I…I never got a chance to tell her I was sorry. That…that I didn’t mean any of it. Those awful words were the last ones I ever spoke to her.” She held a sob captive in her throat as tears dropped to her cheeks.
“You were only a child. I’m sure your mother knew you loved her.”
She swallowed down her pain. “No. Don’t. I don’t deserve your sympathy. This guilt is my punishment…my burden.”
“But why?” Tony got to his feet and knelt down in front of her. “Because you lived and they didn’t?”
All she could muster was a nod. If she didn’t finish this now, she never would. At last finding her voice again, she continued. “The fire inspector said the blaze was caused by an overturned kerosene heater. If only I had listened to my mother, I wouldn’t have knocked it over… I started the fire.”
A sob tore from her throat. She pressed a hand to her mouth, holding back the rush of emotions. She’d thought all of these memories had been buried so deep that they couldn’t pierce her heart, but perhaps keeping it all bottled up for so long hadn’t helped at all.
She lowered her hand and inhaled an unsteady breath. “I tried to reach them…a wall of smoke rolled over me. The burning embers started to fall onto my arms… A neighbor found me choking and carried me outside.” She swiped at her damp cheeks. “I begged the firefighters to save them…but…but it was too late.”
Her shoulders drooped beneath the weight of her guilt. Tony reached out and pulled her to him. She let herself be drawn to him. She pressed her face into his shoulder, smothering her sobs.
“It was an accident,” he murmured, running a hand over her back.
“Don’t you get it? The fire was my fault.”
“How can you be sure you started the fire?”
She straightened. Hadn’t he been listening? What didn’t he understand?
“I told you. I tripped on my way out of the room. I knocked something into the heater.”
Tony shook his head. “You only think you did. Didn’t you say you couldn’t see in the darkness?”
She jumped to her feet. Her hands rested on her rounded hips. “Don’t play games with me. There’s no other way for the fire to have started—”
“Yes, there is. I’m a firefighter, remember? Accidents happen all of the time. Maybe your brother got out of bed to go to the bathroom or to grab his blankets from the floor and knocked something into the heater.” Not giving her a chance to argue, Tony continued, “I’m guessing your mother also had a kerosene heater in the bedroom next to yours.”
Ella nodded.
“Then she might have been the one to accidentally start the fire. Don’t you understand? It was a horrible accident, but blaming yourself won’t bring them back. You need to make peace with what happened and move on.”
“You’re just trying to make me feel better.”
“Look at me.” He gripped her shoulders. “This isn’t about me. This is about you and the guilt that keeps you from living a full life. Is this self-recrimination what your mother and brother would have wanted for you? Is this the legacy your mother would have wanted to hand down to you?”
Ella thought about it for a moment. “No, but my grandmother blamed me—”
“I’m sorry that your grandmother was so mean. She must have been caught up in her own grief, and who knows what else, that she couldn’t see you were an innocent kid who deserved love, not blame.”
His words struck a chord in her memory. “My grandfather used to come to my defense, but my grandmother didn’t want to hear any of it.”
“He was right.” Tony took her hand in his. “It’s time you let go of the past, of the horrible things your grandmother said, and move on. You can’t change the past. But you can change how you see yourself and your future.”
She wanted to believe him. Oh, how she wanted to escape this suffocating blanket of guilt. She knew she’d never be able to totally let it go, but if he could still care about her after seeing her scars and hearing about what she was certain she’d done, maybe they had a chance for a future. The crazy notion was a much-needed soothing balm on her aching heart.
There was no more time to talk as the winds picked up, pushing the heat and traces of smoke in their faces. She followed Tony and Johnny as they led the way to the access road.
All the while, her mind replayed Tony’s words. He had a point. She’d never know the exact cause of the fire. She was struck by his initial instinct to defend her and not blame her—unlike her grandmother—who’d gone to her grave believing the worst of her granddaughter. All Ella had ever wanted was her grandmother’s forgiveness and understanding, but instead, Ella had come to believe that she didn’t deserve either.
She glanced at Tony, catching his gaze. The warmth in his eyes soothed her nerves. She’d known all along Tony was a great man, but his insistence that she let go of the past made her realize how much she wanted to hold on to him.
At last, the road came into sight, but she was too physically and emotionally exhausted to celebrate. They climbed up a small rise to the side of the asphalt road. They took a breather before starting the rest of the way down the mountain.
Their steps were slow and labored. She had no idea how much time had passed before some trucks came into sight. But they were all heading in the wrong direction, uphill into the inferno. After stopping to check on them, the rescuers steered the trucks onward, toward the fire. Ella shuddered, thinking of all those people risking their lives. They were the unsung heroes—men and women facing a fiery monster to spare lives and homes.
Long minutes later, a truck headed downhill picked them up. Once seated, she opened the basket to find Patch lying down. His little tail swished when he spotted her, and she paused to run her hand over his soft fur.
“I can hook up his leash, if you want to get him out,” Tony offered.
“Not yet.” She closed and secured the lid. “Wait until we reach the bottom of the mountain.”
“You won’t have to wait long.” Tony’s voice was reassuring.
She struggled to find the appropriate words to thank him for all he had done. After all, how do you thank a man who has just saved your life? And your dog’s? And a little boy’s? Tears welled up in her eyes as she reached out for Tony, but Johnny’s voice made her pause.
The boy launched into an endless string of questions about the wildfire. Her thank-you would have to wait until later. In the meantime, she thought over what she and Tony had gone through that day by saving Johnny and Patch. History hadn’t repeated itself. This time, fire hadn’t been able to snuff out the lives of those she loved.
When they pulled to a stop at the command post, Tony lifted Johnny from the back of the truck. Then he held out his hands to her. He firmly grasped her waist, and she willingly followed his lead.
Her gaze met his, and the air trapped in her lungs. She’d already told him her deepest, darkest secret, so why did the thought of telling him how much she cared about him make her stomach quiver?
Before she could utter a word, Carlota and Melissa rushed over to greet them. Ella watched Tony retrieve the puppy from the bed of the truck. She moved off to the side, letting Tony’s mother hug him. Johnny joined them and wrapped his arms around both his grandmother and uncle.
Moe, Melissa’s husband, appeared out of nowhere. He hugged Tony and patted him on the back. Then he chewed him out for pulling such a foolish stunt by rushing up the mountain alone. After getting it all out of his system, Moe’s voice lowered. “You did a good job. Next time, take backup. Better yet, make sure there is no next time.”
Moe’s gaze landed squarely on Johnny. The boy fidgeted. “There won’t be.” Johnny’s finger crossed his heart. “I promise.”
There were hugs, kisses, and tears of joy to go around. Once they’d been processed through triage and checked for smoke inhalation, Doc Willard declared them healthy, aside from a few scratches and bruises. Mrs. Willard handed them each a bottle of cold water and sent them on their way.
The women escorted an exhausted Johnny to their car. Tony, still holding the basket, walked Ella to her car. He placed the container in the passenger seat, hooked the leash to Patch’s collar, and lifted him out. He set the puppy on the ground, where the little guy could use the length of the leash to explore his surroundings.
Ella dropped the water bottle on the front seat. She turned back to Tony, and their gazes locked. With a new lease on life, she no longer wanted to hide how she’d grown to care for Tony. Life was far too short to put off the important bits. She took a step forward and wrapped her arms around his neck. Ignoring the flash of surprise in his eyes, she lifted up on her tiptoes and pressed her mouth to his for a quick kiss.
He cleared his throat. “What was that for?”
“I thought that would be obvious. Maybe I should try again.”
With her arms still clasped around him, she moved closer, letting her lips brush his. She heard his swift intake of air. His mouth pressed to hers with a fiery intensity. His fingers combed through her hair, holding her mouth against his.
She immediately opened to him, letting him lead the way. Her heart hammered against her ribs. This was where she wanted to be, where she wanted to stay.
His hands wrapped around her waist and pulled her to him. His fingers slid beneath her shirt and moved rhythmically against the small of her back. A moan formed deep in her throat as she leaned fully into him. Shivers of excitement and anticipation raced up her spine, leaving goose bumps on her arms.
“I love you,” she said in a breathy tone.
His tender kisses stopped as he drew back, leaving behind a cold, empty spot. He wrenched himself free of her embrace and stepped back. “Don’t say those words.”
“Why not?”
“Don’t say them because you don’t mean them.”
“I do mean them.” She needed him to believe her. “My feelings for you are real.”
He shoved his fingers through his messy hair. “No. You don’t know what you’re saying. You’re high on adrenaline. When you calm down, you’ll realize I’m not what you want, what you need.”
“You’re my hero.”
“I’m not your hero. I’m not anybody’s hero.” His head hung low as he uttered the denial. “If I was, you and Johnny wouldn’t have ended up in the middle of a wildfire.”
She rested her hands on her hips. “You can’t read the mind of a nine-year-old boy. No one can.”
“You obviously did.”
She shrugged. “I happened to be in the right place at the right time to figure out his next move.”
“That’s what I’m saying. I should’ve known he would try to save the puppy.”
“You’ve got to believe me. You’re a hero to me and to your nephew.” She took a step toward him and leaned forward to repeat their kiss, but he grabbed her arms.
“Stop.” His harsh tone was at odds with the desperation in his eyes. “This is a mistake.”
“Don’t you understand?” she asked, searching his dark eyes for comprehension. “Nothing you say is going to change the fact that I love you.”