A Matter of Trust (15 page)

Jake said he loved her. God, this was
all happening too fast. She’d just reconciled herself to moving
from friends to lovers, and she still wasn’t completely comfortable
with that. Part of her was thrilled at his declaration, but as
usual, part of her was terrified. Could she afford to open herself
up to love again? She’d sworn she never would, but then Jake came
into the picture, and she’d let him past all her protective
barriers. Hell, he bulldozed his way through them. The thought made
her smile.

Jake said he wasn’t going anywhere.
She didn’t want him to go anywhere. She wanted to be with him. He
made her feel special. She knew he tried very hard to understand
her and what she needed. She couldn’t ask for any more. He’d shown
such patience. For the past few years, her vision of her future
included only her kids. Now she could envision Jake there, too. She
wasn’t sure when it had happened, but she knew she was already half
way to loving him, despite all her efforts to avoid that. Even so,
she had to be very careful with her kids. After debating all points
to death, she finally fell into an exhausted sleep sometime after
midnight.

At three o’clock in the morning, she
jerked awake, barely containing a scream. The nightmare had
returned with a new twist. This time, not only was Pete covered in
blood, but so were Lexie and Trevor. She got up from the couch
immediately and went to check on the kids, who both slept soundly.
She lifted a shaky hand to sweep her hair off her face and went
back to the living room.

She never did get back to
sleep.

Like clockwork, Trevor and Lexie woke
up before seven for cartoon day. Saturday, she allowed them to
watch several hours of television as opposed to school nights when
they could only watch for an hour. Trish bought a TV from Eva and
Josh that worked perfectly with the entertainment center she’d
bought from Jake for the living room. She made blueberry pancakes
for breakfast and had just finished the cleanup when the doorbell
rang. Trevor jumped up yelling that he would get it and ran for the
door.

“
Oh, no you won’t, young
man, not without me there with you. You don’t know who’s at the
door. It could be a stranger. Remember stranger danger?” Hoping for
a stranger considering she looked like a wreck, she opened up the
door.

Trevor was ecstatic. “Jake! Hey, did
you come to see our new house? Come in. Mom, open the
door.”

“
Can I come in, Trish?”
Jake looked at her cautiously.

“
Sure, Jake, come on in.”
Trish opened the door wide and let him in.

“
Zake! Come see my pink
ballewina woom!” Lexie jumped up and down and finally wrapped her
little arms around Jake’s legs.

“
I saw him first, Lex. You
have to wait your turn. Come on, Jake.” Trevor tugged at Jakes
hand.

Jake got down to eye level with the
kids. “I’ll tell you what. After I talk to your mom for a little
bit, I’ll come get you, so you can both show me your rooms. Fair
enough?”

They both agreed, if reluctantly, and
went back into the living room.

He’s finally run out of
patience, and he’s going to break things off. I don’t blame
him.
“Can I get you something, Jake? Are
you hungry?” Trish felt like someone on her way to face a firing
squad as she motioned him further inside.

“
No, I’m fine. I’m sorry
to drop by unannounced, but I wanted to talk to you.”

“
Sure. Come on into the
office.”
Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry.
It’s probably for the best. Keep it together until he
leaves.

They both sat on the loveseat. She
thought about sitting in the desk chair in front of the computer,
but she figured that would make her look weak.

“
What’s on your mind,
Jake?” Braced for the worst, Trish looked at him
quietly.

He reached up and touched his
fingertips to her cheek. “You okay? You look tired.”

“
I didn’t sleep very well
last night. I’m fine, though.”

“
That makes two of us.
Listen, Trish, about last night … “

“
Don’t worry about it,
Jake. I don’t blame you if you want to step back and rethink this.
I come with all these strings, and I don’t blame you one bit for
not wanting to get tangled up in them. Let me just make this easy
on you and say that I think you’re wonderful, and I hope we can
still be friends. No hard feelings on my side at all.”

“
Well, honey, I hate to
rain on your parade after that pretty little speech of yours, but I
don’t want to take any steps back, and I don’t mind your strings,
and I have every intention of getting tangled up good in them. And
no, I’m afraid friends isn’t enough to satisfy me, so I
suggest
you
do
some rethinking yourself. Jesus Christ, Trish, how many times do I
have to tell you I’m not going anywhere?”

Trish didn’t know until that minute
how much she wanted him to stay in her life. She threw her arms
around him and burst into tears.

Jake pulled her onto his lap and held
her against his chest and rubbed her back up and down while she
cried herself out.

“
I thought you came here
to break up with me, and I didn’t blame you, and I wanted to let
you off the hook, but I didn’t want to not see you anymore, and I
didn’t even realize it until I thought you were ending things
between us.”

“
Take a deep breath,
honey. Nobody’s breaking up with anybody. That’s the last thing I
want, and even if you wanted to, I’m not that easy to brush off.”
He reached for a tissue and handed it to her. “Now, blow your nose,
that’s it.”

“
I look awful when I cry.
I hardly ever cry, and never in front of anyone else. I’m sorry.
I’m not myself. I didn’t sleep much last night, and I have too much
on my mind, I guess.”

“
You look beautiful. A
little tired and damp, but beautiful, all the same. Better?” She
nodded.

“
I stopped by to tell you
I didn’t mean to scare you last night when I told you I loved you.
I meant it, but I didn’t mean to just blurt it out like that,
especially when you were already worried about the kids. It’s okay
if you don’t feel the same way about me. Yet. I’m a patient man,
and we don’t have to go any further with that for awhile. I don’t
want you to feel pressured. It’s just that when you left last
night, it felt like I was losing you, and I don’t want that. I sure
wish you’d talk to me about how you’re feeling.”

“
Right now, the
overwhelming emotion I’m feeling is relief that you’re not hitting
the road. I really wouldn’t blame you if you did, but I would be so
sad.” He leaned down and kissed her. “I’m not trying to be
obstinate. I’m trying to sort out how I feel. You’re important to
me. I just realized that I don’t want to lose you. I wish I could
put the past behind me, and God knows I’m trying, but it’s hard. I
was so concerned about myself and whether or not I was willing to
chance a relationship, I didn’t stop to think of the kids. What
kind of mother does that? I barely decided to risk myself when it
hit me that every risk I take also risks my kids. I can’t believe I
forgot that.”

“
Trish, you’ve had a lot
on your mind, and you were solo for a few weeks. You never forgot
about them, you were just preoccupied. I would never hurt those
kids. You’ve got to know that.”

“
I know you would never
purposely hurt them. But they’ve already lost the most important
male in their lives, so they’re vulnerable. I’ve been trying to
beef up our world, so they’d feel safe and secure again, and it’s
been a slow process. I worry all the time how losing their dad will
affect them long term. I don’t want to add to the problems they’re
already dealing with. If they get used to you being in their lives,
and you disappear for any reason, that could take them right back
to where they started.”

“
Honey, I don’t know what
I can say to ease your mind, except to tell you I’m sticking. If I
leave, it’ll be because you send me away, and even then, you’d have
one hell of a fight on your hands. This is going to freak you out,
but I’m going to tell you again, anyway. I love you. You’re it for
me, Trish. I’ve wanted you from the time you walked back into my
life when you started planning the Lit Center with my sister, and
now the more time I spend with you, the more time I want with you.
You don’t have to do a thing in the world about it, except believe
me when I say I’m not leaving. Given time, I’ll prove myself. Give
me that time, Trish.”

“
Oh, Jake. Why do you put
up with me? You could have any number of women. Why in the world do
you want me?”

“
Sweetheart, you’re the
only woman I want. If you’re not comfortable with us going out with
the kids, we can hold off until you think it’s a good idea. I know
you have to put them first in everything. I don’t want to pressure
you about anything. You’re the boss.”

“
How about a trip to the
zoo this afternoon?”

“
You bet. First, though, I
have a couple of rooms to inspect, if you’ll excuse me.” They both
stood up, but before he left her to find the kids, she wrapped him
in a big hug.

“
Thank you for being so
great.”

“
I can’t help it honey,
that’s just me.” They smiled at each other, and he went to round up
the kids while she took a shower.

By the time she got ready and returned
to the living room, the kids were dressed and ready to go with the
exception of Lexie’s hair. She went back to Lex’s room to get a
brush and some hair bands and ribbons and noticed that someone had
made the bed, and put up clothes and toys. She found the same in
Trevor’s room. Who says miracles don’t happen?

“
Wow, you guys. Beds are
made and floors are picked up. Nice. I am impressed.”

Trevor looked up and said, “Jake said
we were big enough to make our beds, and we did. We’re not so
little anymore, Mom.”

“
You’re growing every day,
Trev. Jake just said yesterday that he thought you were both taller
since you left on vacation.”

“
And Granddad said my
handshake is getting really strong, too.” Trevor smiled
proudly.

“
Mine, too, Mommy. Right
Zake?” Lexie got into the act, too.

Jake winked at her. “Yes ma’am. How
would you guys like to go to the zoo today?”

“
With you,
Zake?”

“
All of us, your mom, too.
How does that sound?”

Although Jake couldn’t hear a specific
answer through all the yelling and jumping up and down, he figured
he’d take the loud reaction as a yes. Trish packed a bag, and they
left shortly afterwards. It felt cool enough for a light sweater,
but the sun was out, and they ended up having a great time. They
drove home, and Jake invited them to come over later for movie
night at his house, and they all agreed. Trish was curious, since
she’d never been to his house before, what it looked like. She’d
had no idea he lived so close, just a few streets over. It would be
a nice walk when the weather got warmer and it stayed light
longer.

Jake had said he’d take care of
dinner, so she packed up the kids and a bag of essentials and
headed over. When she got there, Jake opened the door and smiled,
and she thought she’d never seen a more welcoming sight in her
life. The man was incredible. It hit her full force just then that
she’d passed the half way mark in love with him. She waited for the
fear to set in next, but it barely registered. Maybe everything
would work out okay. For the first time, she felt hopeful about
their future, and that was progress in her book.

When Jake opened the door for them,
Trevor shook his hand, Lexie held her arms up to him for a kiss,
and when he put her down, it was Trish’s turn. He hadn’t kissed her
in front of the kids, and while she appreciated him leaving it up
to her to set the ground rules, she no longer felt the need to hold
back. She reached up and pulled his head down to hers and kissed
him like there was no tomorrow.

Initially caught off guard, he
recovered quickly and gave as good as he got. In seconds, they were
both out of breath and dying to carry it further, knowing they
couldn’t with the kids under foot.

“
When can I be alone with
you? I don’t need much time. The way I feel right now, ten minutes
would be long enough, at least to hold me over until we have more
time. How about I sneak in through your bedroom window tonight?”
Jake wiggled his eyebrows at her.

“
Don’t tempt me. Maybe I
can take the kids to my mom’s for awhile tomorrow. She called and
said she was having withdrawals.”

“
She’s not the only one,
honey. God, I want you. Bad.”

“
Me, too. I’ll definitely
take the kids to my mom tomorrow.” She kissed him again and
reluctantly pulled away.

Trevor walked back and said, “Hey, you
guys. Whatcha doin’ just standing there?”

“
We were just coming to
find you guys, Trev. Are you hungry?” Jake reached down and ruffled
the boy’s hair.

“
Sure! Whatcha got?”
Trevor followed him into the kitchen.

“
How about mac and cheese
and hot dogs?” Jake asked him.