A Life That Fits (16 page)

Though I felt shy all of a sudden I did my
best to echo Wendy's casual greeting, but the surprised glance she
flicked me suggested I hadn't quite managed it. I cleared my throat
and joined in their chat about what rides we wanted to do first,
hoping Loren hadn't noticed anything.

Lisa arrived, then Debbie, then Jay appeared
and we headed into the park. After trying Jay's favorite coaster, a
wooden monstrosity that I rode with Wendy, we were wandering around
looking for our next activity when Debbie froze and said, "I want
to do that."

I followed her gaze to a huge metal arch from
which an object swung high in the air, then gasped when I realized
the 'object' was actually two people bundled into what looked like
a cloth bag. The bag was attached to thick cables, and the poor
fools inside were bouncing around and shrieking.

"They get dragged to the top," Debbie said,
her voice full of terror and excitement, "and then it just drops
them. From like three hundred feet up! It's crazy. But I want to do
it." She looked around at the rest of us. "Who's coming with
me?"

Amid the noise of most of the others laughing
and insisting they weren't that insane, I stared at the arch and
knew I had to try. "I will."

She turned to stare at me. "Really?"

Wendy nudged me. "Um, did you
see
it?"

"Yeah. I want to do it anyhow." At least I
thought I did.

Debbie turned to Loren, who hadn't been
laughing like the others. "What about you?"

"I've tried it before," he said. "I'll stay
on the ground and cheer you and Andrea on."

Andrea didn't want to be cheered on. I was
fast becoming convinced I'd made a huge mistake, but before I could
bail out Debbie was dragging me off to the line, and the bored
staffer there was fitting us for safety harnesses and explaining
the process to us.

We had about a fifteen-minute wait before our
turn, and Debbie grew steadily quieter while our coworkers laughed
and chatted and teased us about the ordeal we'd soon face. When the
group right before us began to be hoisted into the air, she began
scrabbling at the buckles on her harness. "I'm not doing this.
Forget it."

"No refunds," the worker said.

"I don't care." She managed to free herself.
"It's crazy. I'm not going up there."

I looked up at the people rising closer to
the top of the arch. The whole concept terrified me, and the wait
had been hard on me too, but I wanted to feel that fear, feel
myself poised in mid-air then launched into flight. I wanted to be
that brave.

Debbie said, "Come on, let's go."

I dragged my eyes back down from the heavens.
"No. I'm doing it."

"By yourself? You're nuts."

She walked away, and I took a long deep
breath. By myself. Up there all alone.

I nearly bailed out too, but took only one
step forward before I made myself stop. I raised my chin and willed
myself to stop shaking. I could do this.

My eyes met Loren's, and he gave me a small
smile. Then he said, "Want company?"

"You said you'd already done it," Debbie
whined, and I realized she might not have changed her mind if she'd
been expecting to have Loren in the fabric cradle with her instead
of me.

"I have, so I know it's more fun with someone
else." He raised his eyebrows at me. "Solo or not?"

The group before me had reached the top, and
we all turned to watch them plummet from the sky, shrieking so
loudly I couldn't imagine where they found the breath. They reached
the lowest point, which the worker had said was a safe six feet
from the ground, then catapulted back up again.

I turned back to Loren. "Not. If I'm going to
die, I'd rather have company."

He smiled and joined me in the line. The
worker didn't look impressed, but Loren had obviously done the ride
more than once because he was in his harness well before the
previous group was lowered the last few feet to the ground.

They were unstrapped and weaved their way to
the exit, giggling weakly, then Loren moved forward. I would have
but my feet had apparently been nailed to the floor.

He turned back. "Last one in's a rotten
egg."

"I'm fine with that."

He chuckled. "Get over here."

I had to lift my feet extra-high to make them
move but I did manage to go forward and join him and the worker on
the starting platform.

We were quickly strapped in and I took deep
breaths and tried to relax. It wasn't just the anticipation of the
ride freaking me out, though: lying beside Loren, with my left side
glued to his right by the fabric cradle, felt amazing and weird at
once. The most contact I'd had with a man in a long time. He didn't
seem uncomfortable with it, which helped.

After a repeat of the instructions he'd
already given us, reminding us not to drop anything or spit down on
the crowd, the worker said, "Look up here, between you." I did, to
see a red handle. "Once you're at the top, I'll tell you it's time.
You have five seconds to pull the handle or I pull it for you from
down here. Got it?"

I'd be falling either way. "Got it."

Loren did too, so the worker left the
platform. Seconds later, we jerked upward. I gasped, and Loren
said, with a smile in his voice, "If that bothers you you're in
trouble."

"Nah, it just startled me," I said vaguely,
watching with fascination as the ground moved away from me. I
looked around, examining everything from my new and ever-changing
vantage point, and found myself imagining that once I dropped
everything would be different. I would leave the old Andrea, the
one who'd been tied to Alex, at the top, and the new me would
clamber out of the fabric cradle at the end and never be the same.
I liked the idea.

"Andrea! You okay?"

Loren's urgency surprised me and I turned to
him. "Fine. Why?"

He smiled, his relief clear. "I was talking
to you and you didn't answer. I was afraid you'd gone into a coma
or something."

I smiled back. His face was so close to mine.
With a little wriggling closer, we could have kissed. Geez, those
eyes
. "No, I'm good. Just looking around. What were you
saying?"

"Are you pulling the handle or am I?"

If I wanted to become new Andrea, I'd have to
take control. "I am."

"Good for you. Amazing view from up here,
eh?"

I nodded, then gasped again as we snapped to
a stop, swaying high above the park.

"Pull the handle," came the worker's voice
from a loudspeaker somewhere in the cradle.

I froze.

Loren gave me a second then caught my
shoulder. "You want to do this, right?"

I nodded because I couldn't speak.

His grip tightened. "Then reach up and pull
the handle. It's up to you."

I looked into those gorgeous eyes, full of
both amusement and support, and it was easy. I raised my hand and
set us free.

We swooped toward the ground at an
unbelievable speed, and though I'd been assured it couldn't happen
I was terrified we'd smash face-first into the concrete. At first I
was too shocked to breathe, not to mention that I felt like I'd
left both my lungs and my stomach at the top along with old Andrea,
but then I grabbed the edge of the cradle with both hands and
sucked in a full breath and screamed like I'd never screamed
before.

Loren yelled, "Woo!" instead, but I couldn't
do anything but shriek. The
feel
of it! We swung up away
from the ground, then back down toward it again, and I laughed and
screamed and commanded Loren to stop laughing at me and when we
finally reached the end I was exhausted, with tears of laughter and
a few of pain pouring down my face.

I wiped my eyes, giggling weakly just like
the previous group. Had they also felt like they were becoming
someone new, leaving their old fears behind? I hoped so, for their
sakes, because I'd never felt so free.

We hung over the platform as the worker
approached, and Loren murmured, "You okay?"

I turned toward him and smiled. "You know
what? I am."

*****

Once we'd been unstrapped and returned to the
group, Debbie said, "Man, I wish I'd gone. Was it fun?"

Wendy laughed. "Didn't sound like it. I bet
half the park could hear her shrieking."

"I certainly did." Loren cupped a hand over
his ears as if in pain.

"It
was
fun, actually. It was amazing.
But I couldn't keep quiet." I smiled at Loren. "Besides, you were
yelling too."

"Pardon?"

"I said," I began, then realized he was
teasing and poked his arm. "I said you're a jerk."

"What?"

I gave him a mock glare and drew my finger
across my throat.

"I heard that."

I laughed, and he grinned. "Where to
now?"

"Somewhere I can sit and relax? Or else a
nice peaceful ride?"

"I know just the thing." He turned to the
others. "Ready to move on?"

We trooped off. Debbie still looked mad at
herself and annoyed that nobody was suggesting they go with her,
and I was so glad I hadn't chickened out. My body was still lit up
with the amazing energy of the free fall, and I knew I'd never
forget it.

When Loren said, "Here we are," I stared up
at the huge roller coaster. "Here? Isn't this the stand-up
one?"

He was clearly trying to look confused and
surprised but the corner of his mouth quirked up. "Didn't you say
you wanted to go stand somewhere to relax? I swear that's what I
heard. Must be something wrong with my ears."

I tried to glare at him but my mouth wanted
to smile too so my fake anger was about as successful as his
feigned innocence. "Oh, yeah, that's totally what I said."

"I love this one," Wendy said. "C'mon, Jay,
let's get the front and leave the rest of the train to these
losers."

They set off. As we all followed I knew she
was deliberately putting me with Loren, and I couldn't say I
minded.

We rode the stand-up coaster together, twice,
and from then on we were together for every ride. At first we were
pretty quiet in the lines, since I for one felt shy and he didn't
seem much better, but then we began chatting. After a bit of small
talk about the gorgeous weather and our experiences on the bungee
ride, he said, "What made you leave your previous job?"

I sighed, and he said, "Oh, sorry. Never
mind."

"No, it's okay. I... I had a rough breakup a
few months ago, and I guess I didn't have all my attention on work.
My coworker basically convinced my bosses I was unstable and
convinced me the bosses didn't appreciate me enough, so I quit. Are
you okay?"

As I'd talked his face had gone first white
then red.

"I'm fine. Sorry, it's just-- you said a
breakup?"

I nodded.

"How long were you together?"

"Half my life. Fourteen years."

I expected the usual freaking out, but I
didn't get it. Instead, he gave me a sad smile and said, "Sucks
when things don't go the way you expect, doesn't it?"

Despite all the crying I'd done the week
before, and the additional tears I'd shed on the bungee ride, my
throat tightened. "It does."

He reached out and covered my hand, resting
on the railing dividing the lines, with his. I'd barely registered
the warmth of his skin, though, when he moved away again. "What do
you want to ride next?"

We talked about the various options, but I
could feel my hand tingling where his had been. Though it hadn't
been anywhere close to the seven years Tina had claimed I'd need,
and I couldn't imagine being in a new relationship, I was finding
myself increasingly attracted to Loren. His touch suggested maybe
he felt the same way, but his quick ending of that touch made me
think he might also share my conflict about a relationship.

The rest of the day passed in a blur of rides
and laughter, with no more touching but lots of chat and jokes
between us and among the others too. We all stayed at Wonderland
until it closed at ten o'clock, then joined the crowd streaming out
into the parking lot. Everyone had come in separate cars, so we
exchanged goodbyes and drove away. I'd thought maybe Loren would
make some sort of excuse to hang out with me afterwards, or send me
a text or something over the weekend, but he was the first out of
the lot and I didn't hear from him once.

Wendy really did me a favor with that
Wonderland trip. After a day of laughing and joking we were all so
comfortable with each other on Monday. Jay teased me about my
screaming on the bungee ride and I pretended to be offended, and
Lisa and Debbie invited Wendy and me to join them for lunch for the
first time. I still didn't like my work much, but I did like my
coworkers.

Loren was his normal friendly self, with
nothing in his demeanor to suggest we'd had any connection on the
weekend. But I knew we had, and I felt sure he knew it too. He
clearly wasn't interested in pursuing anything, though, and since I
wasn't even sure if I wanted to be pursued I definitely wasn't
going to be the aggressor, so it was probably good he wasn't
acknowledging what had passed between us. I tried to convince
myself of that but couldn't quite do it.

What I could do, though, was pursue the work
I wanted. I wouldn't be returning to DataSource, and frankly the
more I got to know my new coworkers the less I wanted to, so I
decided instead to try to bring a little of my DataSource work to
the new job.

Loren was the main obstacle for that, since
he owned a lot of the work I wanted to do. Dana had made it clear
that he was the boss when it came to work distribution, so I waited
until he complimented me on a finished project then said, "I'm glad
you like it. Can I talk to you about something?"

He tensed, and I realized he might be
thinking I wanted to discuss our relationship, if what we had
deserved that term. I felt my cheeks grow warm but did my best not
to look like I had any idea of what he might be thinking. "It's
about the work distribution."