A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Heaven (12 page)

Even though I have no doctorates or degrees, I have some theories, scientific conjecture, and intelligent guesses. Some other people might have already made these suppositions, but these are things I have been thinking about for a long time—honestly since I was old enough to start putting two and two together, which I believe still equals four. I know—I am not just another pretty face. In fact, I have several pretty faces that I keep in a box in the basement. I only wish I could remember their names.

I did it again, huh? Sorry—I distract easily.

To me, spirits are energy. Thanks to The Matrix, I understand now that the human body produces enough energy to power a world of deadly machines. We are 9-volts with two legs and a hunger for bacon. I would be remiss if I did not posit the theory that the human soul makes up a lot of that energy. That kind of represents a major chunk of my case. Yeah, I know what you are thinking: “Jesus wept, is he going to hit us with some schoolhouse shit?” The answer, my friend, is you bet your ass I am. In fact, I am going to break it down for you as well. Peter Griffin once said, “Some words are long and hard to understand.” Well, I apologize, but I am going to throw some polysyllabic information at you so you can see where I am coming from. Hey, let’s be honest: some of you might need it to keep up! In this day and age, when some girls have no idea they are pregnant and most guys cannot even be bothered to wash their balls, I think explaining myself should be par for the course. So here goes.

I said before that my belief is that the human soul makes up the majority of the energy we emit from our bodies. Then again, maybe it is the energy of the body that provides fuel and nourishment for the development of the soul. Either way it serves this idea. Warning: the following is fairly educational. If you are allergic to things like learning and thinking, it would be best if you brought in what they would refer to in baseball as a “pinch reader.” The next few paragraphs are loaded with science. I know I gave you a heads up earlier, but I am certain you all thought I was just tossing a load of bollocks at your face. No, I meant that shit—there is some actual learned shit going on here! Anyway, it is what it is. Sorry if you mistakenly leave here with some unwanted knowledge; it was truly not my intention. Everyone got his or her beakers, goggles, and adult pants on? Yes? Then we shall begin.

According to the first law of thermodynamics—more specifically, its first principle, known as the law of conservation of energy—“energy can neither be created nor destroyed.” It goes on to say that “energy can change forms and it can flow from one place to another, but the total energy of an isolated system remains the same.” So put that in perspective with the existence of ghosts and the concept of reincarnation. If we exude and are made up of energy and that law is true, where does that energy go after we die? Does it search out another system, that is, a new life form preparing to surface in this world? Or do they linger in a place they understand but cannot reenter the way they did before? What if ghosts are pure human energy? And how can scientists flat-out deny their existence and not take all these variables into consideration?

What if ghosts are bundles of energy that have not morphed into another system? I have an idea that ghosts are made up mostly from the energy of a human soul and a strong personality or sense of self. This might be why some ghosts speak to people. It might also explain why some ghosts appear dressed in clothing they used to wear when they were alive. People (and the writers of The Matrix, to be fair) talk about the subconscious image of your residual self. This is the mental image you keep in your mind, the version of yourself you see in dreams or imagine when you consider your ideal physical form. This could be why we see certain ghosts how they once were; spirits might unconsciously hold onto that internal vision of who they were and what they wore, therefore manifesting that image to the metaphysical. I know—there are lots of questions that follow that statement. That is why this is a hypothesis more than a theory, really.

There is another part to this. Paranormal groups talk about how certain energy sources drain or wan when spirits prepare to show themselves. Lights flash and batteries in various devices appear to go dead or weaken. The air can go cold or sometimes superheat to the point at which it becomes uncomfortable. Well, I have a plot thickener for that as well. The second law of thermodynamics asserts the existence of a quantity called the entropy of a system. That means that even when energy changes hands or the source breaks down, that energy does not dissipate; it merely redistributes itself to a new place. So I hypothesize that maybe reactions with humans, electronics, and even the temperature in the air can allow the spirits to exchange or borrow energy from those sources, enabling them to reach a mutual thermodynamic equilibrium. Basically, the ghosts take the energy and manipulate it to their benefit. Once that energy is used, it can then find another system in which to adapt. Energy never goes away; it just switches sides when it is convenient. Maybe this is why some ghosts can seem less vibrant or coherent at times—because they have not been able to recapture and replenish their own energy, and even with a force of residual will, they cannot be the soul they were when they were alive or even freshly dead.

These are my points. A ghost—to me—is a strong soul with a stronger will, seeing itself as we see it and doing its best to borrow enough energy to continue. Some find a way to use external energy for its survival, thereby finding balance in the natural systems of the world. Others never develop that skill and slowly fade away, feeling their own natural energy ebb from constant use and never recovering when that energy does not return, joining the various systems of its surroundings. Sure, it is not perfect. In order for this to work, you have to believe the human will is powerful enough to manage malleable energy. In order for my scientific (hah) idea to mean anything, you have to concede that a personality is strong enough to control the power of a human soul even after death, unconsciously or otherwise. I cannot think that is too much to ask. We have seen the power of the human mind do incredible things: overcome pain, break down certain secrets of the universe, compete with computers, and so on. I do not see how this can be too far a reach into the potential of this fascinating flesh experiment called humanity.

Ghost hunters talk about EMF readings a lot. EMF stands for “electromagnetic field.” Essentially these are fluctuations in the natural fields that surround us, because EMF readings are everywhere. Doubters are quick to point out that because of this reason, EMF readings are no good at differentiating between a spirit and, say, some sort of aberrant electrical wiring. However, using my intelligent energy hypothesis, this tends to back up what the paranormal establishment is saying, that EMF readings are indeed a solid way to find out if a ghost is nearby or possibly even trying to manifest and make contact. I grant you that sometimes EMF readings are just a proper way to establish whether or not you have a problem with your outlets and light fixtures. I mean, you can feel when faulty appliances and circuitry are spilling about; many people experience headaches, nausea, paranoia, and slight hallucinations. Sometimes a spade is a garden utensil. But sometimes a spade is the trump suit. Sometimes, what you are feeling very well may be what is actually going on.

But what do I know? I am a singer in a band, just trying desperately to get the masses to pay attention to my every move. I am prone to outbursts of profound berserker ramblings that fade into one-way lanes before overcorrecting to keep my Mopar mind on the road. I think all the time, and I cannot shut it off, often much to my own calamity. I am not complaining; I get more from thinking than I do from idling—you cannot race a parked car. So I tumble these fancies over and over in my brain like laundry in the dryer, flipping them about for coverage and praying my crotch is not soggy when I find myself wrapped inside them. I am the Buddha of babble—witness the vitriol and savor its profundity.

Skeptics are quick to call out anything as far-fetched as an idea like mine. Then again, cynical atheists are just as crackers as zealous religious nuts sometimes. They mock and fight and demand evidence—it always comes down to the evidence. Well, I quickly point out that the scientific society is certain of the existence of quarks, the particles that make up atoms. But they have never seen one. They are certain there are planets that can sustain life much like our own—an idea I happen to agree with. But they have never seen one. Before the Hadron Collider provided exasperatingly miniscule evidence of what scientists refers to as “dark matter”—the substance they say makes up space itself—they were certain of its existence. But they had never seen it, and the jury is still out on whether it is indeed dark matter. You have to remember: as smart and savvy as these people are, they are still humans. Until 1969 humans still considered homosexuality a mental illness, and hundreds of innocent people were persecuted because of it. To this day some people still believe homosexuality is something that can be “cured,” which is disgusting. I defer to the scientific community on this one, because they have provided several examples of homosexuality in nearly every species on the planet. You are attracted to whomever you are attracted to; blame pheromones or Axe Body Spray. It is the way of the world. The point is that we can get it wrong, spectacularly at times. But God for-fucking-bid you try to get a stubborn prick biscuit to change his or her mind.

Speaking of the Almighty, just when I think I can get onboard with an idea like God, religion gets in the fucking way. I remember being on a press tour when all the violent protests broke out at the various embassies last year over the American movie Innocence of Muslims that purportedly made fun of the prophet Mohammed. People died, including an American ambassador and British soldiers. The Muslims of the world wonder why they are persecuted so much and so often. I give you exhibit A. I am not advocating this persecution—I am merely showing you why there might be such a penchant for global animosity. When any religion says it represents love and morality yet lashes out with constant ferocity when ideals do not line up with its own, that faith becomes synonymous with hypocrisy and hate. Christians are just as bloody guilty. In my opinion if you say to the world that your way is the way to God and heaven and everlasting peace and other such rubbish, whether you are a Christian, Muslim, Jew, or Voodoo priest, you have a responsibility to humanity to try to make things better, not tear things apart. In fact, to “get religion” means “to resolve to mend one’s errant ways.” Maybe the religious should consider getting religion in lieu of just being one.

Let’s get back to the reasonable side of the fence before I go off on another rabid tangent.

My hypothesis is something I am calling the “intelligent energy” idea. I am no mathematician, but I am certain that if I were, I could devise a wonderful formula for this idea. It would be something along the lines of “the soul (will added to energy) multiplied by infinity equals the spirit (surrounding energy fields divided by gravitational singularity to the Nth power).” I will give it a go in equation form: S (W + E) × ∞ = ghosts. Not as elegant as I would have imagined from myself, but there it is. I am no Stephen Hawking, but I would say I lean toward a decent side of the fence. Then again, maybe not—I do say fuck a lot, and apparently using coarse language is a sign of a limited intelligence.

Well fuck you too, dick breath.

To sum up “intelligent energy,” consider a ball of Silly Putty rolled onto a newspaper. Silly Putty, for those of you younger than I am (bastards), is a sort of Play Doh-like substance that is more rubber than clay. You can stretch it out, bounce it like a ball, chew it up if you are truly disgusting, or do what is also suggested on the box it comes in—use it to make transfers from pictures in newspapers. The ink adheres to the Silly Putty, giving you a mirror image transfer that you can then pull and manipulate into different shapes and macabre cartoons. It can be a lot of fun—well, at least for a generation who did not grow up with Assassin’s Creed 3.

My idea of “intelligent energy” has that same kind of slant to it. Essentially the soul is the newspaper and the energy is the Silly Putty. I believe a strong enough will—or soul—can impress itself onto outside energy, enabling it to carry on in a state sort of like a loop in this world. Because that energy cannot be destroyed, the energy of the soul joins that energy and becomes something completely different, what we refer to as a ghost. In that way the intelligence of that spirit carries on without the body to fuel it, seeing as it can adhere itself to as much energy as it can get its “hands” on. Yes, I know—sounds a bit weird, right? But if you take into consideration the lower system in the body—the intestines, colon and such—which can continue to run itself even when disconnected from the brain and the central nervous system, something like “intelligent energy” existing in nature does not seem like such a far-fetched idea. Maybe I am right and maybe I am wrong; like I said before, it is only an interesting concept. I have done no experiments to prove these things—this is all patchy guesswork on my end.

I think my own brain loves to get me in trouble sometimes, sort of a double agent sabotage attempt. The things that seem to make complete sense to me at the time tend to make other people openly stare at the sad man with a beard like a leprechaun. Maybe I can get away with it if I just plead “ginger” sometimes. I really enjoy the idea that redheads like me (sort of) are regarded as soulless weirdoes. So I use this to my advantage a lot—especially in Britain. If I am feeling a bit apathetic that day, I tell people my ginger is acting up, and they seem to buy that. But now that I think about that a little too much, I am wondering . . . are there any redheaded ghosts? Well, according to Jeremy Clarkson, gingers have no soul. So how could a soulless ginger leave behind a spirit? This might require more research. It could be that gingers do not die—we just melt and reconstitute as a different ginger baby. Maybe we absorb the energy around us to fill the deep chasm where we should feel things like . . . feelings. OOH! What if redheads eat ghosts? What a wonderful idea! Could you imagine, if you were dealing with a poltergeist and an exorcism did not work, sending in a ginger that is really peckish? Their mouth would elongate like the “Come to Daddy” video by Aphex Twin, and they would just suck any spirits into the heart of their redheadedness, powering its gingery ways for a few more days.