A Flower’s Shade (24 page)

When the first rays of dawn entered the room, Ai'ai had endured an intense struggle and was lying flat on the edge of the bed. She was no longer breathing. The room was very quiet, and on the shelves of flowers by the bed was a lotus in an urn in full bloom, its shadow printed on the wall, like a tranquil painting.

A
i'ai's death unleashed a strange sense of panic in the Estate. At about nine in the morning, the news of her suicide had reached every corner. Miss Yu rushed over to the packed courtyard, and forced her way through. She looked at the distraught Suqin, who was crying her eyes out. Miss Yu could barely believe her eyes. Everybody was like spectators at a show, and no one could understand what could have happened. Suqin's voice was unutterably miserable.

"There was nothing wrong, why would she swallow gold?" Miss Yu had heard that she had killed herself in this way, and so she was posing question with great curiosity. She had never liked any of her brother's wives, and in the past she had never bothered to figure out who was who and what they were up to. Now that she was the mistress of the entire Estate, Ai'ai's death was in any case an event, a peculiar event, and she had to get to the bottom of it. Many years before, a concubine of the Old Master had been discovered having an affair with her cousin, and she had also swallowed gold.

Suqin was crying hysterically, "Ai'ai, why didn't you just say something, why did you have to die, why did you have to die?!" As she cried, she kept repeating, "I know there was something you wanted to say to me, you were scowling all day, but you couldn't say it, you poor girl, why didn't you just say it, if you had only said something." Ai'ai, lying flat on the door, which had been taken off its hinges, looked exactly like a child. There were traces of blood at the edge of her lips, and her face looked even paler than before.

Huaifu had arrived a step ahead of Miss Yu, he had gone into the crowd and surreptitiously watched Suqin's show of grief. Like everyone else, he was taken by surprise by Ai'ai's suicide. But because Ai'ai had told him the great secret of the Estate before her death, his expression underwent a profound change. His look of anxiety did not reemerge; ever since he had entered the Zhen Estate, all of the legends surrounding the Estate, whether he had believed them or not, had been proven true. Magnificent in its exterior, the Estate was rotten at its core. Strange to say, aside from the incredible debauchery, even more appalling things were occurring.

Miss Yu was peering all about, and Huaifu knew that she was looking for Xiaoyun. Actually, from the very beginning, Huaifu had also been looking for some sign of Xiaoyun. He found that he wanted very much to see Xiaoyun's face, to see how Xiaoyun would look when faced with Ai'ai's corpse. What would his face look like? Apparently, Xiaoyun was not in the Estate, he had evidently taken his birds somewhere else. Suqin sobbed for a while, and then suddenly called for someone to wheel Naixiang up to Ai'ai, shouting affectedly, "Ai'ai if there was something you couldn't tell me, you could've at least told the young master, you can't just leave us like this, all of a sudden, how are we supposed to go on now?" The incredible scene had terribly shocked all present. Everyone had always believed that Naixiang was no more than a breathing corpse, a mummy, unconscious for ten years, without awareness or thought. But now, facing Ai'ai's rigid body, the people discovered to their amazement that tears were shining in Naixiang's eyes. Although his expression was just as ridiculous and rigid as before, the fact that there were tears in his eyes suddenly undermined the assumption everyone had made about him. People began to whisper and stare at Naixiang. The tears shining in his eyes finally welled over. It would be hard to claim that trickling tears represent sadness, or that this means that a person had returned to a certain consciousness, because aside from the endlessly rolling tears there could be little doubt that Naixiang was still just a vegetable. Suqin and Miss Yu were both frightened by this extraordinary change in him, particularly Suqin, she stared at him with mute astonishment, her tone of voice had changed "You, you—you're sad—I know…"

Huaifu approached Suqin quietly, saying deferentially in a voice almost not own, "Sister-in-law, I'm sure the master actually knows all about it. I'm sure that nothing that goes on in this Estate escapes his notice, I'm sure he knows it all." His voice was ghastly, and when Suqin heard it she looked at him, rather losing her composure. He continued, his words pregnant with meaning, "On the outside, people are saying that the master became this way because someone drugged his opium. Sister-in-law, just think, if he was drugged, then wouldn't he snap out of it one of these days? At the moment it's just that he can't say what he's thinking."

It would be impossible to describe Suqin's horror as she listened to Huaifu, her sense of propriety, her capacity to speak compromised. She stammered, "Who says he was drugged? What drug did he take?" Huaifu chewed his lips and looked at Suqin inscrutably. Miss Yu was nearby, looking with incredulity at Huaifu, astonished at his sudden use of this kind of tone. She told him not to speak nonsense, told him to stand aside, and remarked that it was not his place to speak at all. But Huaifu seemed no longer to care whether he upset Miss Yu, he said slowly, "How do I know? In any event that's the rumor going round. I thought you might know, and of course Master Xiaoyun would certainly know too. He stared motionlessly at Suqin, and under his intent gaze she dared not look at him. Miss Yu also heard that Huaifu's words were pregnant with meaning, and she looked at him, unsure what to believe. She noticed that Huaifu was showing signs of an extraordinary change today.

Suqin struck her hands and began to lament Ai'ai again. She was no longer crying with the same sorrow of a moment before. It seemed like the purpose of escalating her sobs was simply to disguise something else. The courtyard was still a jumble of people, and it had to be cleared. Someone suggested that Ai'ai's family ought immediately to be informed; in such hot weather, the corpse couldn't be kept very long. Miss Yu was still mulling over Huaifu's words, and without any reflection, she said imperiously, "What is there to tell them? If she's dead, she's dead. Her parents brought her into this Estate, and she's been dead to them forever. Besides, nobody forced her into it, it was her own decision to swallow the gold. She has only herself to blame."

X
iaoyun appeared in Miss Yu's room, looking blank. Ever since Ai'ai's suicide, Xiaoyun seemed to be preoccupied, and evidently unstable in his moods. Ai'ai's death caused a great deal of talk in the Estate. Because her death was so mysterious, people started in again on the old topic of how Naixiang had come to be as he was. When Naixiang had just had his accident, there had been the rumour that Naixiang had taken the wrong drug. People had spoken of it, and it was tantamount to suggesting that Naixiang's present state was the result of a plot against him.

Xiaoyun now often deliberately avoided Miss Yu, and only came when somebody was sent to fetch him. Even if he did come, he spoke little. He would simply stare fixedly at Miss Yu, and as soon as his gaze met Miss Yu, he would avert his eyes in dread. "What's the matter with you recently?" Miss Yu had noticed that he seemed to have a bad conscience, and she asked him about it more than once. But each time Xiaoyun had only stammered and tried to gloss over it by saying that there was nothing the matter.

Xiaoyun's heavy-heartedness gave him a different allure. Miss Yu felt that she and Xiaoyun had some kind of undefined destiny; their relationship no longer consisted simply of lovemaking. Evidently, some other kind of attraction existed between them. Miss Yu discovered that she really did like him more and more, that she was falling in love with him. "Xiaoyun, I guess I really do like you." She had once regarded love as a game, but now she had become very serious about it. Deeply moved, she said, "If I really liked you, what would you do?" A shadow passed over Xiaoyun's face. He looked at her as though in a trance, and made no response. Miss Yu continued, "Don't look at me like that, you know that now I really do like you. Sometimes I think, I'm really a fool, why should I like that unremarkable fellow, everybody does what I say, everybody listens to me, and you're the only one who stands up to me. You know, there are times when I really do hate you."

Xiaoyun's expression grew unnatural, and he laughed bitterly. "Didn't you just say you really liked me? Yet a moment later, you say something entirely different." Miss Yu said, "Something entirely different?" Xiaoyun said, "You said you really did kind of hate me—let me tell you, in the future I'm afraid you won't just kind of hate me, one day you will well and truly hate me!" Xiaoyun turned away to look somewhere else, but very quickly he again stole a glance at Miss Yu, who was nattering on about something.

"What did you say?" Miss Yu had not heard him clearly.

"What is there to like or dislike? I, Yuan Xiaoyun, am nothing more than your houseboy." Xiaoyun said looking dejected and speaking vacantly, "You have only to give the command, and I'll appear. Besides, what is there to like about someone like me?"

Miss Yu was surprised that he would speak like this at such a moment. She really didn't know the trouble he hid deep in his heart, or why he was perpetually intent on making things awkward. He really had no need to denigrate himself and make himself unhappy. "Xiaoyun, let's not fight whenever we meet, alright?" Miss Yu felt light-headed from his perorations and she tried to make peace, saying "I don't want to try to understand you. Why are you always saying you're my houseboy for no reason? If you really liked me, what would it matter if you really were my houseboy? Here—I'll be your housegirl, then, how about that, or better—I'll be your maid; is that alright then?"

Miss Yu had to leave off, Xiaoyun's expression had clouded, as though he might at any time lash out. She knew all about his neurotic tantrums, and didn't want to provoke him. But Xiaoyun didn't lash out, he only closed his eyes painfully. Miss Yu, not understanding, stretched her hand out to touch his face, "What's the matter?" Xiaoyun suddenly struck Miss Yu's hands away and approached the opium bed with an unusual look about him. He lit the lamp, and scooped out a pill of opium with the needle, vaporizing it over the lamp and putting it into the pipe bowl. Then he lay down aslant on the bed, and began to puff madly without a thought for anyone else. Until then, Miss Yu had only known that he was adept at vaporizing the opium, but she had never seen him smoke from the pipe himself. She knew that opium was profoundly loathsome to him. In fact, because Xiaoyun hated the opium so much, Miss Yu had recently been doing her best to cut down on it, and had been secretly planning to quit. She crawled onto the opium bed, leaned on Xiaoyun and looked at him unswervingly.

"Xiaoyun, what's going on in that head of yours?" Miss Yu asked carefully. Xiaoyun closed his eyes, and concentrated on the clouds of smoke he was blowing. Miss Yu couldn't stop herself from sniffing the smoke. "Don't do this, alright?" Miss Yu said, looking at him, forgetting herself. She said, full of tenderness, "Xiaoyun, don't you know how much I like you? Really, when you're not around, I miss you, I keep on wondering what you're doing—are you doing this, are you doing that? I know you might be sick of me, but you're always in my thoughts. You're the only one in my heart. Xiaoyun, what's the matter with you, what's on your mind?"

Xiaoyun's eyes were tightly closed, his mind in disarray, his face marked by pain. Miss Yu kissed Xiaoyun's face. He suddenly took her into his arms, and the two of them fell into a tight, passionate embrace. Miss Yu felt an irrepressible impulse, she held Xiaoyun tightly and kissed him at random all over his face, and panting as she kissed him, said "Xiaoyun, I like you so much."

Xiaoyun suddenly pushed Miss Yu forcefully off. His expression of pain and confusion had been replaced by something that was almost malice. He said in a tone of malice that Miss Yu could hardly believe, "We don't need to keep performing, let's not play at that between the two of us. Why talk of liking me, we're just toying with each other, you treat me as a houseboy, and I, I treat you like a shameless whore. Neither of us should bother pretending, or play at games of I like you, you like me…"

Miss Yu was shocked by his words. She looked at him in astonishment, not daring to believe that the words he had spoken had just come out of his mouth. Yet there was no doubt they had. Xiaoyun seemed to be choking something, all of a sudden he found himself unable to utter word. His eyes guiltily averted, he couldn't muster the courage to look at Miss Yu directly. Miss Yu couldn't believe that Xiaoyun hated her so much. Was she really so horrible, so despicable? She said, in a passion, Xiaoyun, why do you hate me so much, why do you treat me this way? I can tell you really do like me, so why do you such things?

Xiaoyun could no longer hear what Miss Yu was saying, he was grinding his teeth and saying, "To tell you the truth, neither you nor I are worth a damn, why should we sleep in the same bed. You wanted to because you felt like you couldn't have me, a great lady like you, the more you can't get something, the more you want it. And why did I want it, let me tell you, I wanted you, I was willing to sleep with you, because I hate you, there's only hatred between us!"

"Only hatred?"

"Yes, only hatred. You hate me, I hate you."

"But I don't hate you." Miss Yu was looking blankly at Xiaoyun. A sudden ache overcame her, she shook her head incredulously, unable to understand what was the matter. "You hate me, why do you hate me so much?"

"I just do! I hate you! Not just you, but your whole family, do you want me to tell you something, do you know how your brother got this way?" Xiaoyun, throwing caution to the wind, erupted with a shout, "It was I who made your brother get this way. It was because I drugged your brother, because I poisoned his opium, that's how he got this way. Let me tell you, I'm not worth your affection. Why should you like me; who am I? I'm only a worthless poisoner."