A Different Kind of Despair (6 page)

"That was her
kauna
. Her path. All
S-shamans have a kauna. It defines the parameters between them and
the s-s-spirit world, how they can interact with us and c-call for
our aid."

"Do I have one?"

She shook her head. "Kauna are engraved upon
ascension. You need one, Miraj, or else s-spirits will be able to
hurt you. I s-still have my human heart. My pride as Hikari. S-so
you are s-s-safe with me, but I c-cannot guarantee you will be
s-safe anywhere else without your kauna."

"So how do I get one?"

"My mother instructed me on their making. I
c-can do it, but you must decide what kind of Shaman you wish to
become to determine your path."

What kind of Shaman?

I thought about my mother, missing her to the
point of bitterness. Resenting her secrecy to the edge of rage. I
thought of Kurai and spat upon the heritage I was so proud of, for
believing in the lie that we could not fall apart since kin will
not attack one another. We were family, and yet they mowed us down
like weeds in the field.

I took so much pride in being an adult, in
being my mother's daughter that I never saw how wretched and
spoiled I was by our prosperity and the love of my surroundings. I
was so ignorant, so weak that I couldn't help but be
angry.

In fact, it was this weakness I was angry at
my entire life -only now I could place a name to its source. Me. I
was angry at myself all these years because, on some level, I
understood how sheltered I'd been. And because of that weakness, I
could only stand by as Hikari burned.

"I've decided," I said to Jiki. "I wish to be
powerful. As powerful as Ayasha herself."

The rusalka opened and closed her mouth a few
times, clearly having misgivings on my request. It was possible,
however. She knew it, therefore I knew it as well.

"There will be... drawbacks," she hesitated.
"I c-cannot s-say what, exactly, but the s-stronger the kauna, the
greater the risks."

"I don't care," I said. "If it's so dangerous,
I won't rely on spirits unless necessary. All that matters is that
I'll have their strength for those times I need it
most."

Still, this did little to alleviate her worry,
but Jiki finally relented to my will.

I watched her gather a number of pure black
vials of ink. She poured the dye into the water geyser in the
middle of the space.

"S-step into the pillar."

"Will it hurt?"

"Pain is the price of power, S-shaman. Do you
want it or not?"

I stepped into the column of water, but the
liquid hovered above my skin instead of touching it. Only the tips
of my hair grew wet in the stream, and I marveled at the sheer
control Jiki possessed in order to maintain such an
environment.

Black vines of ink hovered near my face and
bare arms. I heard Jiki's voice as though she were speaking not
through the veil of the geyser, but from the stream
itself.

"
I'll make it quick
."

I didn't have the chance to reply before I was
stabbed by the ink, the pressure so intense that it pierced my
skin.

My cheeks, my shoulders, and the base of my
neck felt as though they'd just survived a thousand tiny arrow
wounds. Breath fled my lungs in a great gasp, too startled to
scream.

Water receded into the floor, and I collapsed
in the puddle that remained, breathing hard.

It was as though I could see myself through
Jiki's eyes as she studied me. I could see my ashy hair clinging to
my sweat soaked skin, and the blood running in rivulets from the
wounds that had been inflicted.

More startling than anything else,
I saw how quickly they healed. Jiki knelt and ran her gentle, damp
hands over the affected areas, clearing them of blood and grime so
I might see the kauna left behind.

I remember my mother's tattoo as a wispy
design. The tree's roots were thick and dark, but the higher
branches were whispers of ink and smoke by comparison. Mine had no
such contrast; the pattern was bold and black throughout, with
scars and scales, sunshine and raindrops, in an unapologetic motif
upon my bare flesh.

My face now had two great triangles stretching
across the apples of my cheeks, a loud declaration of my status if
ever there was one. Yet, I did not feel very different. More alert,
perhaps, but that was all.

"Miraj!"

Marvin's voice shook me from my daze. He set
his hands on my arms.

"No!" I yelled, throwing them off
me.

I looked on him with new eyes, spying a
shadow... a darkness I could scarcely sense before. Marvin himself
was not evil, but his spirit bore a mighty taint.

"What happened?" I asked him, earning a
bewildered frown. "Marvin, what is that thing following
you?"

"Following me?"

He was feigning ignorance. Jiki
knew it, therefore I did. The surroundings flooded my mind with
information of things there was no way I could have known. So this
was the power of my kauna -I'd become a reservoir for spirits and
their perceptions. It horrified me more than I could ever
imagine.

"...
Koronos
." The name slipped past my
lips, and as it did I could see him, a beautiful man with lime
green eyes practically glowing in the dark.

"
My
," he cooed from behind Marvin.
"You
are
an
interesting one, aren't you?"

Marvin looked up at Jiki.

"What's with the tattoos? What did you do to
her?"

"The kauna are wards," the rusalka
said to him. "S-she is S-shaman. It will take time before s-she's
used to the feeling of it."

"I don't like you," I said to Koronos. "Leave
Marvin alone."

He chuckled, "I'm afraid I can't do that, my
Lady. We have a deal." Koronos approached me. More and more, the
rest of the word became washed out, as though he and I were the
only people in it. His touch was frighteningly real as he cupped my
chin in his hands. "That's a good look in your eyes. Lady Galatea
had the same expression on her face when I poisoned
her."

"Lady Galatea?"

"Ask your husband about it," he snickered.
"It'll make for quite a show."

"What deal do you have with him?" I asked. "Is
there anything I could do to make you leave him alone?"

Something flashed in his eyes at that moment,
and I watched as the pupils grew into inhuman slits. His jaw
unhinged slightly, exposing a menacing smile of too-sharp
teeth.

"Oh, I
like
you, my Lady. You know how to
appeal to this old devil's heart."

"MIRAJ!"

Marvin pierced the veil of my stupor with the
most alarm I'd ever seen. His face, normally expressionless or
mildly annoyed, was brimming with fear.

His nose was inches away from mine, and I felt
his hands shaking as they held my arms. There were tears in his
eyes, filled with such terror as though I were about to disappear
from right in front of him. Color returned to my surroundings, and
all I saw of Koronos disappeared... but I knew he was still
standing there, watching with his evil smile.

"Miraj, don't talk to Koronos ever again,"
Marvin urged. "Don't look at him. Don't speak to him. If he offers
you any kind of bet, tell me so I can set him straight."

"Jiki," I heard myself saying. "This dye -can
you take it out of his hair?"

Unable to deny my wishes, the spirit streamed
water through Marvin's hair. The black dye sat in a puddle on the
floor, revealing the strands for the steel gray I'd seen on the day
I first met him.

"Miraj," he called my name again. "Do you
understand me?"

I looked Marvin in the eyes, and for the first
time I saw the years of fear and pain that belied his calm
expressions. He had a kind heart, a heart that for these few
moments was filled only with me.

I wrapped my arms around him, closing my eyes
as I rested my head on his shoulder.

"I'm tired, Marvin. My head hurts."

And it did -it felt as though I was aware of
the thinness of the veil of this world. There was another realm,
swimming with spirits, right behind this curtain. Reality as I'd
known it was such an abstract concept -all at once my mother's
cryptic words made much more sense. I was seeing life through her
eyes and the eyes of every Shaman before her.

He picked me up off the ground. "Then sleep,"
he told me. "We'll get to Nethermountain in a couple
days."

Breathe.

The thought came to me like a reed on the
water. So I breathed. And with every breath I felt consciousness
returning. I could hear the crackling of a campfire; the
shirring
of a spatula in a cast iron
pan.

But still I breathed, long and
deep and deathly, for I recalled what Marvin had told me back in
Leo's tent -my breathing changed when I was about to wake up. It
was the sound of conversation that prompted my pseudo
slumber.

"What was all that about?" Will asked, sans
his usual pomp and sneering. "How does she know about
Koronos?"

"Beats me," said Leo, and I heard
him flip the food in the pan. "Jiki just said it's a natural
development. Maybe to a rusalka, sure, but I don't see anything
normal about suddenly being able to see demons."

Demons?

Breathe! The voice in my head commanded, and I
disguised my startled response as a restless groan, turning my back
to the men.

"Well..." Will ventured. I heard the thoughts
rustling through his mind. "The barbarians always were spiritual
people. I'm pretty sure my mother was one as well, but I can't
really remember. Maybe there's more to being a Shaman than smoking
herbs and going delirious in front of a campfire."

BREATHE! The voice yelled at me, and I
released a pent-up breath. Is that what necromancers thought of us?
Drugged-up schizophrenic savages? We're people, proud nomadic
people who live as nature had intended.

"Will isn't far from the truth."

My ears twitched at Marvin's voice. It was
above me, but not near me. I quickly peeked to see that I was up
against a blackened wall; he was most likely sitting on the
overhang, looking down on the campsite.

"In Nethermount we were trained from a very
young age to see bodies like machines. The only real thing we and
the Four Tribes can agree on is that the body is a vessel. We worry
more about the physical state, and they stress over everything
else."

I rolled my eyes behind their
lids. Marvin was right, but in a very crude way. I did give him
credit for trying to explain it -I doubted I could put it any
better.

"
Heeere's
the thing that bugs me,"
Leo began, setting the pan on a stone. "We all met Suna. She was
really nice. She also didn't have a trance-episode like Miraj did
back at Purilo's caverns."