51 Shades of Maggie, Liverpool Style (5 page)

Big Sally-Ann is one dark horse. Her an Igor were down at the docks doggin while me an
Sinead
were workin hard in Tesco! I couldn't believe it. She told me all about it back at my flat later that day. He had told her to go into Tesco an then say she was on her moons an had to go to the bog, an then he would be waitin for her at the fire exit. I thought to myself that it sounded like he'd done this before, but I didn't want to spoil Big Sally-Ann's ride – she seemed to really like Igor. So he picked her up from the fire exit an took her to the docks. Then he parked down some road where all the trucks were. Then she said they were like wild animals, rippin each other's clothes off an makin love on all the seats of the bus. And, yes, she said, ‘makin love'. Then he trailed her off the bus an had her up against the side of it. She had told him to watch in case they were caught, but he said it added to the thrill an she just went with it!

She said Igor was huge too. As big as Long Schlong Silver, the stripper that we saw in Benidorm last year. Sure he had got Big Sally-Ann up on to the stage an made her slap sun-cream all over his wilbert. An I think his plan was to swing it about an flick the sun-cream all over her. But before you could say ‘factor fifty', she was squirtin the cream all over him. An he almost died – it was in his long hair, in his eyes an everythin. She's terrible when she gets started. In the end, a bouncer had to pluck her off him an we were told not to go back to that bar. The stripper was cryin an everythin. It was his own fault – that's what you get for pickin on a quiet-lookin one.

But the sight of Big Sally-Ann gettin thrust up the side of a minibus attracted the attention of the truckers an before they knew it, there was a crowd gotherin so Igor took her back into the bus to save her modesty. An Big Sally-Ann was laid out on the aisle of the bus, gettin the shag of her life from Igor an when she was just about to explode into a million pieces with orgasmic glee, instead of shoutin, ‘Oh Igor!' like a normal person, she
shouts, ‘
youuuuu raaaanngggggg
?'
in her best Transylvanian accent. Her biggest fantasy is gettin shagged an bit on the neck by Dracula. An big Igor is as close as she'll ever get to that. Like Dracula's little brother – a bit less sexy, an a bit less cunning, but still rideable. But she said after they were done, he was all romantic an took her for a pint an a prawn sandwich.

An I said, ‘True love, Sally-Ann. Will I buy a hat?'

‘No – he's only here temporary. He has to go back to Transylvania soon.'

Then I felt sorry for her cos she's never really liked a man before. She only just rid them for the sake of it. Then she got a text from Igor an her face lit up an I thought to myself, now he may like a bit of outdoorsy sex an he's probably going to get sent back to Transylvania soon, but I was happy for Big Sally-Ann. An as she was textin back an gigglin to herself, I thought about my man, Mr Big. I couldn't believe that me an Big Sally-Ann actually had boyfriends, even though mine wanted to whip the tripe out of me an hers was into doggin. Mr Big had said he'd be spankin me later that night an I was ready for it. I was thinkin I was gonna answer the door to him butt-naked an bendin over – a vertical smile to greet him.

So, after Big Sally-Ann went, I got up to tidy the place. I washed my Paris Hilton bedsheets (I had to, cos they were about to crack in the middle) an then I hoovered, dusted, polished an emptied the ashtrays, all ten of them. Then I got to look at myself in the mirror, an I said to myself, now your turn, so I had a bath. An that's somethin I never do durin the week – I have a bath every Saturday, whether I need it or not. But I wanted to be nice an fresh for gettin a whippin off my boyfriend that night. I thought about gettin a wax but the salon near my flat was full of Barbie dolls an I didn't want them gawkin at the Muff, an besides, it was like a pet to me now – I couldn't get rid of it just like that. My muff's for life, not just for Christmas. So I put on a black dress that you could see my arse in when I bent over, an red lipstick that I nicked in the chemist an I was ridealicious.

I had a drop of vodka to help with the pain I was about to get, an I sat an waited for Mr Big, my arse twitchin at the thought of what was to come. An I was ding-a-lingin all right.

But just as I was beginning to wonder where he was, Mr Big texted to say he was sendin a taxi for me an I was to go to his flat instead. I was a bit pissed off after all the cleanin that I'd done especially for him. But then I rang Big Sally-Ann an told her if she wanted to, she could bring Igor into my flat an shag him there, cos lyin on concrete in the street gives you piles. Well, that's what my mum always said, and her arsehole's like a vineyard. Big Sally-Ann promised to clean all the jiz up so I said fine.

I bounced from the taxi up to Mr Big's apartment an flung the door open an he was standin in the middle of the room, shirtless, his chest like a brick shithouse, his muscles flexin, an with just those chinos on. An I was gushin, like Niagara Falls. He was the biggest ride I'd ever seen. I went over to him an he led me straight to the red room of pain, shuttin the door behind us.

Then he said to me, ‘Now Margaret, you were a bad girl today. You must be punished. Strip.'

So I said, ‘Yes, sir,' an took the lot off in about ten seconds flat. Then he sat on the edge of the big bed an told me to lie face down. So I climbed on to the bed an shoved my baps in his face on the way past, but he just ignored them, an I realised that he must have somethin special in store for me. He started to tie my hands an feet to the bed an I said to him, ‘I wonder how small people have a bondage shag – they'd be too small to stretch out on the bed.'

‘You just need a longer rope.'

‘Please don't tell me you've been ridin dwarfs in this bed.'

An he laughed an said, ‘I don't talk about the past.'

An then I knew that he had. Oh my God. And then he put a pair of headphones on me. He said, ‘It's all about control, I want to control what you hear and feel.'

An I said, ‘Have you got any Lady Gaga there?'

But he started playin some crazy opera music that's like music to kill yourself to. An I was about to complain when I felt a massive slap to my arse, an what with not knowin it was comin, it was too much of a shock to really hurt. Then he did it again an again an I started to know when they were comin cos every time I heard the twat on the violin go beserk I got a wallopin by Mr Big. An then I started to count the slaps. An I think this musta been turnin him on cos in between slaps he was strokin my arse an the Muff was gettin a tickle too. Then, the music stopped an he untied me an we went for it like two maniacs all over the bed an the floor. We even had a go on the swing, but after bits of dust an cement started comin down from the ceiling, we moved off that an back to the big bed.

Then, after we were done, I was lyin on his chest an lookin at the scars on him an he said, ‘Don't look at me, I can't stand it.'

Then I told him that he's a big ride but he just smiled. Then I said to him, ‘So tell me, did you play “Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work we go,” on the earphones for the dwarf when you were smackin the hole off her?' Then he just laughed an said it was time for me to go. So I said, ‘Maybe we could just stay here? Just for the night?' But I felt him tense up an I knew it was a no, so I just got dressed an left, an I could tell he was as annoyed as I am at his fucked-up-ness.

So I got into the flat to find Big Sally-Ann an Igor naked an havin a dirty ride up against my flat window. I thought to myself, fuck me, if he's not doin it outside, he has to be lookin out the window!

He was too busy goin at it to notice me, but Big Sally-Ann nodded at me an said, ‘I left you half a beef chow mein in the microwave, babe.'

So I said thanks and sauntered into the kitchen to heat it up. When I got back into the livin room, they were still goin strong, an Igor was shoutin, ‘Zally-Ann, Zally-Ann!' An her eyes were rollin in her head as he's ridin her further up the window, so I just sauntered on into my bedroom to eat in there an left them to it. I was a bit worried that the weight of the two of them pushin against the window would crack it open an they'd end up fallin into the street. But they were havin too much fun to interrupt them for a health an safety talk. An then again, Big Sally-Ann might want to get her arm broken or somethin to get a claim cos she was torturin me about gettin the money up for a fag run. An the last time she
'
d needed a bit of cash quick, she
'
d run out on the road in front of a bin lorry an got concussion from whackin her head off the road. So I left them to it an I sat on my bed an started to eat the Chinese.

Then, I got a text from Mr Big that said, ‘I'm sorry for being like this. I will come and stay the night with you tomorrow, I promise.' An I was so excited I spat out the noodles in my mouth an yelled, ‘Yesssss! Yesssss!' just as Big Sally-Ann next door was screamin, ‘Yeesssss! Yesssss! Yyoooouuuuu rrraaannnggg?'

The next day I could hardly contain myself with thinkin about Mr Big comin to stay the night with me. I couldn't concentrate on Jeremy Kyle enough even to work out if the chavs were lyin or not, an I always guess it right. Big Sally-Ann an Igor had stayed the night on my sofa an I woke up to him growlin an her wailin an I knew they were at it again. An I was a bit annoyed, like, cos there was Igor only with her a few days an already spendin the night, an Mr Big was only just thinkin about it now. But better late than never.

So, after Igor left, Big Sally-Ann an me had a bacon sambo an a smoke an I got the lowdown on their relationship. She was in love with him an he had said he loved her too. Then he had said he was probably gonna have to leave the country within weeks an Big Sally-Ann was gutted about that. I was a bit worried about where the relationship was gonna go myself cos I'd heard on the radio that some twat had been fixin marriages to get his family into England. An when he ran out of women to agree to be brides for him, he used to get the men to come here on holiday, shag needy women an then propose to them. Then the women that got married were dumped as soon as the men got in the country. I was gonna have to keep my eye on the big girl, cos she was smitten.

After she left, I tried to have a doze but I couldn't settle. I kept thinkin about Mr Big in my bed an what he was gonna do to me. Then, when I was wonderin how I was going to put the day in, I got a text from Sinead askin me if I wanted to go into town for a bit of shopliftin. She wanted to get some make up to sell on the internet so we went into Debenhams. Those tarts on the counter looked at us like we were scumbags an that just made me want to steal more.

So, we got this girl that was about six foot tall, with bright red lipstick on, a pointy nose an big drawn-on eyebrows. An I got busy askin questions about the Dior sparkly lipgloss while Sinead started droppin stuff into her bag. Now we knew there were cameras there but pros like us knew where the blind spots were. An the left side of the Dior counter was one of them. So the girl on the till knew this too an she kept lookin at the display stand to see what was missin. So, I asked her to do my face up an said I would buy somethin. So she started with the eyeshadow an the blusher an I thought to myself, this is great – free make-over for my night with Mr Big. An by the time she'd finished, Sinead was chompin at the bit to get out of there with her stash. So the girl on the till handed me a mirror an I looked like somethin from the eighties. Black eyeshadow an eyeliner, orange blusher an red lipstick an I said to her, ‘I look like a fuckin drag queen.'

She said to me, ‘You said you wanted an evening look.'

‘I did. But not an evenin with Danny La Rue.'

An this is her, ‘You said you'd buy something.'

An this is me, ‘And you said you could do make up. I'm not buyin anythin.'

So, she stood there with her arms crossed an mumbled somethin to herself that sounded like ‘chav' an I wasn't havin that. ‘I'm no fuckin chav. You're standin there like you own the bloody place. You did me up like a hooker – I could make a fortune tonight.' Then I saw Sinead stuffin a box a bronzin balls into her bag so I decided to take the huff a bit further to let her nick some more. So I acted all hurt an offended an said, ‘You've no right to look down on us. You only work in a shop. A shop! Same as if I worked in a corner shop sellin fags or a charity shop sellin cardigans that smell of piss.'

Then her face went bright red an I saw a crowd of people, mostly women, lookin over an smilin, an I knew they were thinkin the same as me. So I said, ‘See ya. Wouldn't want to be ya.' An I linked Sinead's arm.

Then Sinead said over her shoulder, ‘You have to be a whore to work at Dior.' An we strolled out of there like two footballers' wives from Freshfield.

The row was worth it all cos Sinead had played a blinder an nicked half of the stock. She had lipsticks, eyeliners, foundation, bronzin balls – the lot. Five hundred pounds worth, at least. So we sat on a wall up the road from Debenhams an split the make-up in half so we both got a good mix of stuff. We were pissin ourselves about the woman on the till, then Sinead said she had to go to get her stash on the internet by dinner time. An I said to her, ‘We'll have to do this again, babe.'

An this is her, ‘Big time!' then she hugs me an heads off to get the bus home.

As soon as I got home, I scrubbed the clown face off me an started gettin ready for Mr Big. I painted my nails bright red an did my toenails too. I had to go next door an borrow Mrs Murray's cheese grater for the hard skin on my feet cos they were like two pig's hoofs. I had to tell her it was Parmesan I was gratin cos I couldn't get the little bits of skin out of it when I give her it back. She wouldn't notice anyway – she's blind in one eye. Then, I took out an eyeliner an blusher from my Dior stuff an I piled it on. I got a bit carried away, and I was a bit like Miss Piggy by the time the buzzer rang.

Mr Big kept to his word an there he was, at my flat to stay the night. I could tell from the look in his eye that he had it in for me again an I was glad that I had lubed my arse up with baby oil just before he came. I thought that maybe it would make his big hand slide off my skin an maybe it wouldn't hurt as much gettin slapped. But when he came in he was all calm. Looked like he'd never walloped a woman in his life. He had a bunch of flowers for me an a bottle of Paris Hilton ‘Siren' perfume an I couldn't believe it. Nobody had ever bought me flowers an perfume an I said to myself, he can have me anyway he wants me tonight! But he said it was an apology for psycho Deirdre's behaviour at the Dole.

Then I said to him, ‘Now, is that the last I'll hear from her like?'

Then he said, ‘I really hope so, Margaret. But she does seem a bit on edge so I'm keeping a close eye on her.'

Then I said, ‘Maybe I should send a gang down to give her a fist sandwich an that'll give her the proper message.'

Then he said, ‘No, Margaret. I'll deal with her.'

Then I said to him, ‘What did you ever see in that whore anyway? She's no tits or anythin. She's like a boy with two backs.'

Then he said, ‘She reminds me of my birth mother, Margaret – all my subs do, even you.'

Then I said to him, ‘Here, I'm no sub – you don't get me in a meal deal with a Coke an a packet of crisps.'

Then he said, ‘No, Margaret, not a subway – a submissive. I was her master. Like the way I want to be your master.'

Then I said, ‘Yeah well I'm still thinkin about that, babe.'

Then he came over to me an started to kiss my neck an I said, ‘So how do I remind you of your mum?' An I know this is a touchy subject so I am a bit stiff about askin him.

Then he said, ‘It's your accent. She talked like you.'

I don't whether to take this as a compliment or not like. But then he started to lick my ears, an I went all giggly.

Then he said, ‘Margaret. I'd like to play with you. Get on the bed and strip naked.'

So I said, ‘You don't have to ask me twice, babe.'

So I ran into the bedroom an he shouted in after me, askin if I had any ice cream an I shouted back to check the freezer cos I hadn't a clue. So as I was flingin my clothes off, I heard him crashin about in the kitchen, bangin stuff around. Ice cream? I thought to myself. I'd rather have a bit of man cream.

Then he appeared in the doorway with a big tub of ice cream an a wooden spoon. He had this wicked smile an he grabbed my socks from the floor an started to tie my arms to the top of my bed. Then he lifted my bra an knickers up an tied my feet to the bottom of the bed with them. So I was naked an spread like a starfish an I thought to myself, now there's nothin straightforward about this fella, there always has to be somethin gettin tied up or what-have-ya. But I was excited too cos after seein Big Sally-Ann gettin rid up against the window, I was moist all day waitin for my turn.

So, once I was all tied up, he pulled out a balaclava from his back pocket an I said, ‘No way, babe. Are you from Belfast or somethin?' Then he said it's not for him, it's for me, an he pulls it over my head the wrong way round so I can't see at all. Then I said, ‘Fuck, am I that ugly you don't wanna look at me when you're ridin me?'

Then he said, ‘No, Margaret. You are lovely, it's so you can't see what I'm doing. It's about control for me.'

Then I heard him say, ‘Oh,' all disappointedly, so I asked him what was wrong. Then he said he didn't realise the ice cream was mint choc-chip but it would do as I was tied up already. So he lifted the balaclava up to my nose an put a big dollop of ice cream into my gob an I started munchin on it. Then he dropped a big bit of it into my belly button an it was freezin cos I'd been on fire from the waist down since I seen his arse in those chinos. The ice cream started meltin right away but I was more worried about the fluff, cos my belly button makes loads of fluff an pus ever since I got that infection. Big Sally-Ann had pierced it with a skewer from her ma's barbecue last summer an it had never been right since. But then I remembered that the ice cream was green anyway, an thought that he probably wouldn't notice the pus if there was any.

Next he started plasterin my baps in the ice cream an I'm squealin the house down cos it's so cold it's nippin my nips, but Mr Big was just laughin, lovin every minute of it. Then he started to slowly lick it off an I was ringin like Quasimodo's bell. He was takin his time an I was gaggin for it – I was about to tell him to hurry up when he shoved a load of it on my fan-box. I let out the loudest ‘Whoooooooooo!' you've ever heard, an before I could say anythin else, he was down there eatin it off.

An I said to him, ‘Now, that's what I call a knicker-bucker glory' an the next thing I knew, he was ridin me into the night and, while I was lovin it, I was thinkin to myself, where the hell are those chocolate chips gonna end up that are gettin rammed up my quim?

So, after we'd finished, he untied me an we lay on the bed, kissin an talkin. He started talkin about his rotten birth mum who had abused him when he was little – that's why he had all those scars, an I thought, fuck, he's openin up to me now. Maybe we will be a normal couple one day an go to Ikea an buy candles an salad bowls. Then I fell asleep in his arms an I dreamt I was Cinderella an Mr Big was Prince Charmin.

The next mornin, I woke up singin, ‘One day my prince will come,' an I felt like a right dick. So I thought to myself, I'm gonna surprise Mr Big an wake him up with a blowie to make him want to stay over more often. But when I flung the sheets back, his dick was manky, like it had some weird infection.

So I started screamin an he jumped up yellin, ‘What? What? What's wrong?'

Then I said, ‘Look at your knob, babe. It's dead.' An he looked down at it an it was all green scabs an black spots, an he burst out laughin. ‘It's okay Margaret. It's just the ice cream. Mint choc-chip? Green? I didn't wash it off last night.'

Then I said, ‘Fuck a duck. That's what I call a spotted dick.' Then he grabbed me, flung me on the bed an had his wicked way with me again before he had to go to work.

After he left, I lay in bed an smoked ten fags one after the other an daydreamed about my Big Fat Gypsy wedding dress. But then I got a phone call from the Dole an was told I'd to go down for a back-to-work interview the next day, an I knew right away that whore Deirdre was on my case again. So I got dressed an went to find Big Sally-Ann to discuss how we were gonna deal with the bitch, an to tell her about the ice-cream shag. I was pissin those choc-chips out for the rest of the week, so I swore to myself that was the last time I would get shagged with mint choc-chip ice cream in my Mary.