Authors: KE Payne
Just got home now and am missing her like crazy! On top of all this, I still gotta sort out all this shit with Alice [/joy/]. I bet even Romeo and Juliet never had hassles like this.
Friday 24 August
Took a deep breath and rang Alice’s house today. I figured if I rang her mobile then she wouldn’t answer it, but she’d have to speak to me on the landline. I told her I wanted to come over and she said, ‘If you want,’ so I went over just before lunch.
She looked awful! She looked like she’d been crying, and I felt an absolute rat for not trying harder to speak to her before now. I didn’t know what to say, but the embarrassing silence on the doorstep was solved by Alice’s mum calling from the kitchen, asking me if I wanted some coffee and cake. Alice snapped at her that we were going upstairs. When we got into Alice’s room, I worried for a nanosecond that she might try and kiss me but then told myself I was being ridiculous.
She sat on her bed and I said, ‘I’m sorry I didn’t ring or text you. I didn’t know what to say to you,’ and she shrugged and said, ‘S’ok.’ Then she said, ‘I’m sorry I ever told you how I felt—it was stupid of me,’ and I didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t say anything. She said, ‘I’m sorry I ruined your holiday and all,’ so I said, ‘Don’t be daft. You didn’t ruin anything.’ Too many sorrys.
I asked, ‘How long?’ and she asked, ‘How long what?’ so I added, ‘How long have you felt like this?’ and she shrugged and mumbled something I didn’t catch. Then she said, ‘A while,’ and all I could do was nod, ’cos I didn’t know what to say. She said, ‘I’ve felt like I wanted you to be more than just a friend for a while, but when school ended for summer, I didn’t see you for ages and the feelings started to go away, but then being with you, on our own, in France for all that time made the feelings come back again. Now I’m as confused as hell.’ She bit her lip.
I didn’t want her to start crying again, so I tried to explain about how I liked her, but not like that, and that I had a girlfriend already, and that having another one would be toooooo confusing, and she giggled and said she didn’t want to be a scarlet woman. I was mightily relieved that she was smiling again, and it made me relax. I said I thought she was great, and that she was my best friend in all the world, always had been, always would be, but that I just didn’t fancy her. It felt weird talking to Alice about girlfriends and fancying girls—all these thoughts I’d kept to myself for ages—and here I was talking to Alice about them. Too strange!
She asked me how long me and Han had been going out with each other so I told her about how I’d liked Han for ages and how I’d been dead confused about my feelings, just like Alice was confused now. I told her about the day Han asked me out, down by the reservoir, and how happy I was. Alice looked a bit sad, but just said, ‘Han seems lovely. You’ll make a nice couple,’ which I thought was sweet of her.
I decided not to tell Alice about J, ’cos it all seems so insignificant now. That, plus the fact I don’t want it getting back to J that I used to fancy her like rotten (and cry myself to sleep over her some nights). I asked Alice not to tell the others about me and Han, so I hope she doesn’t.
Anyway, I was glad that we’d sort of cleared the air, and I went home feeling happier than when I’d left it. I walked home looking at Han’s skull ring, which I kept for while she’s in Portugal, and got an aching feeling inside, wishing she was with me.
Saturday 25 August
A note! From Alice! It was pushed through our letterbox last night and it said:
Clem
I found it way too difficult to say half the stuff I wanted to say yesterday so thought I’d be better writing them down instead. I’m sorry I fucked up what we had left of our holiday. I just hope that u enjoyed the time that we had before Friday as much as I did.
I’m also sorry I told u what I told u. I think it would of been better just to keep stuff to myself and hope that it went away, but when u told me about u and Hannah it just hit me like a thunderbolt. I suppose I kinda hoped that one day u’d see me the same way as I see u so when u told me u were going out with Hannah it ruined any hopes I might have had.
I’m really confused at the moment, I don’t even know if the feelings I have for u r more than just the normal feelings friends have between each other, or whether they’re something more. All I know is that I miss u when ur not around, I think about u all the time, and right now I’m as jealous as hell of Hannah. Sounds like I’m pretty confused doesn’t it?
I think it’s best I don’t see u for the rest of the summer, so I can figure out what’s going on in my head. I can’t figure out what’s what when ur around, but that’s not ur fault, it’s mine.
See you soon
Alice
xxx
I have to say, I agree with her about not seeing each other for a while.
Sunday 26 August
Our new sofa was delivered today! The colour is called ‘Café Society’, which could mean anything, really. It’s kinda coffee coloured and it’s very squishy and comfortable. The delivery drivers plonked it in the lounge and Mum immediately put a dark-brown throw on it! All those months of agonising over the colour and she throws a blanket on it! I saw Dad look at her in exasperation but he knew better than to question her.
Monday 27 August
Thought my tan was fading a bit so stayed out in the garden all day today, topping it up. Lay on the sun bed thinking about Han in Portugal and pictured her wearing her bikini, then got all horny, so went inside and helped Mum chop up some lettuces for tea to take my mind off it.
Tuesday 28 August
Got a postcard from Han today! She had the sense to put it in an envelope so our nosy postman wouldn’t read it. It said:
My lovely,
Weather flipping hot! Spending most days down at the beach, swimming and lying in the sun thinking of you. Mum keeps telling me not to wear black ’cos it attracts the heat but I’d rather boil than wear white. It’s against my beliefs.
Miss you like crazy and can’t wait to see you again. Love you loads. Han xxx
Now I’m worried in case she overheats in all her Goth gear. I hope she didn’t take her
fuck-off
biker boots with her as well.
She loves me! How cool is that?!!
Wednesday 29 August
Maybe she just said she loved me for something to write at the end of her postcard? People say it to each other all the time, don’t they? Without really meaning it? Probably best not to go declaring my love for her in case she runs a mile!
Thursday 30 August
The fair is in town! Well, it’s been here a week but today was the first day I had a chance to get over there and see it for myself! I went over with Matty, Ems, and Caroline and we had a blast!
We went on the Dodgems, Freak Out, Roller Ghosta, Afterburner, and then the Wall of Death. I was okay until I looked down and saw the spotty youth with the shaved head and no teeth who was in charge of the on/off button, and who looked like he shouldn’t be in charge of a pair of scissors, let alone a 30-foot ride with 20 people on it. Felt a bit sick from being thrown around on all the rides, but had a blob of candyfloss and the sugar seemed to perk me up again.
Ems asked if me and Alice had a good time in France, then asked me if I’d seen her since I’d been back, ’cos she’d seen her on Sunday and she’d seemed a bit down. I got a bit flustered and said that I hadn’t seen her, and that she’d probably been down ’cos we’re going back to school soon. Then I felt bad ’cos I knew Alice was feeling down and it’s all because of me. Thought about ringing her, but couldn’t bring myself to do it, then felt even worse!
Friday 31 August
Got dragged into town by Mum today who remembered in a panic that I’m back at school on Monday. How could she forget this? She’s a teacher, for God’s sake!
She’s got it into her head that the clothes I wore perfectly well all last term aren’t good enough for this term, so hauled me off to the shops to buy new shirts and jumpers. Managed to persuade her to buy me some more shoes AND I managed to make her buy me Doc Martens shoes on the basis that the soles are thicker and will therefore last longer. Ha ha ha!
They rub like buggery, mind, but it’ll be worth it in the long run!
Han’s home tomorrow!
Saturday 1 September
Woke up at nine to a text, which read: ‘I’m back in Blighty! Got up with the sparrow’s fart ’cos flight was at 5:30 a.m. Just landed at Heathrow. Home soooooooon xxx’.
How marvellous! I wonder if she’ll be too tired for sex?
11 p.m.
: Just got back from Han’s house. Didn’t get a chance to see her all-over tan ’cos her mum and dad were hanging round the house all day. Han brought me back this wicked wristband that’s kinda like tapestry material and has lots of Mediterranean-type designs on it. Am still pretty tanned from France so it looks well cool on my wrist!
Sunday 2 September
Realised with a jolt that I’ve made no effort to contact Alice since she pushed her note through our door over a week ago. She did say she thought it best we didn’t contact each other, so I suppose I’m doing the right thing, but I still feel guilty not texting, e-mailing, or calling her.
Mum and Dad went out for the day to go walk round some boring, dusty old stately home somewhere, HRBH went to town to meet up with some friends, so I seized the moment and ushered Han over for what could be our last chance to
do it
before school starts!
While we were
doing it
, Han told me she loved me but I kinda wondered if that was just the sex talking and she didn’t really mean it, so I didn’t reply. Maybe I should have, but I didn’t want to scare her off so I just stayed shtum and concentrated on what I was doing.
Monday 3 September
Teacher training today so at least I had one more day of lie-ins! Heard Mum grumbling out on the landing about having to go ‘back to the workhouse’, but her persistent grizzling was soon muffled when I turned over and pulled the duvet up over my head…
Tuesday 4 September
School! Ugh! Whoever invented school was a sadist.
It was really good to see everyone again, though. I’d barely seen anyone except Han and Alice, ’cos we’d all been busy, away, or working. I was dead nervous about seeing Alice after what had happened in France, and I was fretting about how she would react to seeing Han, but I needn’t have worried ’cos I hardly saw her all day. Don’t know if that was something planned by Alice ’cos she just didn’t want to see me, or whether it was because, despite it being our first day back, the school took it upon itself to bombard us with orders and useless bloody information about the year ahead. Sheesh!
To top a pretty crap day all round, our new form tutor Mr. Harman has been banging on all day about how important this year’s going to be, ’cos it’s our GCSE year, and how we have to work hard and concentrate and hand all our work in on time and blah, blah, blah. By the end of the day, my head was thumping, and I’ve only been back a day. How am I gonna last until June??
Wednesday 5 September
We got our new timetable today. I was shocked and dismayed to see I have double Maths first thing on Mondays this year. Who decides these things? The Gestapo?
We had a whole school assembly this morning so the new Head could address us all. Her name’s Mrs. Unwin and she looks like Judge Judy, but I’m not holding that against her. She seems okay actually; she was wearing an argyle cardigan and a string of pearls and looked dead nervous but I think she’ll fit in well. I think she must have a sweet tooth, though, because every time you pass her, there’s a terrible whiff of Mint Imperials.
Nabbed Alice during afternoon break and asked her if she was okay. She looked at me like she didn’t want me to talk to her but I didn’t care. I’m fed up with her avoiding me and making me feel like I’ve done something wrong when I haven’t. She wouldn’t look at me and kept biting her bottom lip but she did at least tell me that she was all right, and that she was ‘working on some personal issues’, whatever the fuck that means. She said, ‘I kinda need to stay away from you for a bit, Clem, ’cos when I’m around you I can’t think properly. I’m hoping that if I don’t see you or talk to you, then I’ll be able to forget you and move on. You can understand that, surely?’